Gaining power every hour, one more pound, I know I can win.

So, yesterday was a disaster. I had an apple and 3 rice crackers for lunch, then 3 ricecrackers more as a snack. One sausage roll that I purged. The 3 that I almost didn't purge. I tried, but I was at work. How fucked up am I? I actually purge up by the counter when there wasn't any costumers. If my work knew this, they would fire me!

Anyway, then had some duck, potatoes, potato chips and some sauce for dinner - my dad's birthdaydinner. Purged the dinner. Then ate a Corny bar because I got stressed when my grandparrents called and asked my parrents to come over because they'd had a break-in while at our house to celebrate my dad. Tried purging, but almost didn't get anything out. After that, my throat was burning so bad. I think some of my stomac acid came up and decided to stay in my throat. It was so bad.

When I got up and on the scales, I had gained. And that's it. Purging is okay, as long as I still lose weight. But now that I am gaining, I need to do some serious restricting. So I'm fasting today. And there's no way I'll break it. Binging and purging will not be tolerated. There is no other option. Starving, it is.

Random memory: I remember in 5th grade, we were having a project week. The main topic was "this is wrong", and my subtopic was suicide- which also gave me a lot of dark thoughts, but that's not what this memory is about. No, I remember that 3 other girls had chosen eating disorders as their subtopic. One day, one of them read out to me something from a book she had, that was a collection of food diaries from anorexics. It was like, morning, 1 bun. Lunch, 1 pear. Dinner, 1 beer. Fasting the next day. And I was like "oh, I could totally do that too!". She didn't believe me. Then durring her presentation, she showed us all this picture of an anorexic model, and we were all, including me, like "oh eeeew! That is so ugly!".

Just found the picture on google, and I can't see anything but beauty. But it's the same picture, and I know that I once believe that that was so fucking ugly, and that I couldn't even begin to imagine what drove women to do that! Am I the only one who has ever experienced something like this? I am so puzzled at this realization.

This picture! It was this picture!

Ever since I first got eating disordered, I have had this dream.

You see, in my eyes, anorexics are glamorous. They are untouchable to be. I can never reach them. They're like movie stars. I know they exist, but I'll never be able to see them in real life. I'll never be able to talk to them, touch them, be them. So of course, I have always wanted to be one myself. But now that I have discovered purging, I am getting more and more bulimic. I have never even thought about bulimics like that, and I have never ever dreamt of being one myself. They have always been second to anorexics. Anorexics have self-controle, they can go for days without eating, weeks and months without gaining. Bulimics... They're out of controle. That's why they have to purge. Because they can't controle themselfs. They eat and eat, and then try to undo the damage after it has been done. Anorexics doesn't have to. They wont do the damage from the begining. Can you understand why anorexic sounds more atracting than bulimic to me?

Now, what do I do with all theese thoughts? What's my conclusion, since I just spend loads of time on writing all that crap here? I don't know. I just felt like sharing. I guess the truth is just that I really really wish to be anorexic, but I'm a weak one, so instead I'm mostly either bulimic or just binging without purging. Forever second, third, fourth, 1000 miles from what I really want, what I'm striving to be. Forever failure.

Thanks for all the advice on my last post girls. I really appreciate it, and be sure that I will try them all! I can't believe I have 107 followers, all willing to read all this meaningless crap that I post, give me advice, give me comfort. Someone who will never judge me, no matter how wrong I do. I have never though of myself as an inspirering person, and specially not in the eating disorder community, because of my huge weight and fat procent. I never thought I'd be one of those popular bloggers with a three-digit number of followers. I never expected just one, to be honest. I will never give you up girls. Never! I promise!

Fighting for the smallest goal to, gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom nor dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes? 

 

Lots of love.

- Bella ♥