Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Playing it safe

Pretty much fucked up yesterday after I'd made that post. Ate more, purged more. Sucked more.
When I got on the scales this morning, there was only a small loss, compared to what I'd hoped for. And tomorrow is my weigh in. i only need to lose the same amount as I did yesterday, and I will have earned that Ben & Jerry's I bought yesterday. It is both a celebration reward (for what, you'll know tomorrow) and a carrot. You know, like in the cartoons, where they put carrots on a stick and then tie it to the horses. That kind of carrot. Only, instead it is delicious ice cream. Ben & Jerry's is really really expensive here in DK, because it's such a huge succes in the US, so I don't buy it very often, and I've only tasted 3 or 4 of them. Every time I do something that makes me really think I deserves it, I award myself with a new flavour. This time, it is New York Super Fudge Chunck - I still haven't had Chocolate Fudge Brownie, 'cause they never have it in my local 7-eleven! So mad about that, that's the one I want to try the most! That will be my award for reaching 70 kg/154,3 lbs I think :)

Okay, and now enough with the binge-causing talk.
What I was trying to say when I started that was, that today, I'm playing it safe (title relation!). If I must binge, please leave it for after tomorrow!
Tuesdays are always the worst, 'cause I know that what I eat today is so important for my weigh-in tomorrow. I can't gain. I need to lose so little to earn my Ben & Jerry's, and I'll be so devasteted if I don't make it! Not because of the ice cream. Because I set a total realistic goal, and I am now so close that I can fucking taste it. If I don't make it, it'll break my heart.
Wow. This will so cause me to purge if I eat anything to bring me over 500. Plus the scouts-meeting (for the little ones, the "beavers" we call them) has been moved forward. This means I can't make it, which is sad, but it also means that I don't have to be at the hut until 7pm. Can you say G - Y - M?

I'm having social sience again, sitting here looking at this tall, thin bohemian chick from my calss. The natural type, the one who wears loose cardigans, eart colours, and has her natural blond-ish hair on top of her head.
She has the most wonderful collarbones I've ever seen. As she sits back in ther chair, leaning back with her head held a bit forward, they stick out practicly from shoulder to shoulder. They're beautiful. I want them...

Sometimes, I feel like a bad girlfriend. I chose to go to the gym in order to see Nicolaj 3 hours earlier, I don't really text him unless he text me first. When we're toether, my mind is elsewhere. Sometimes, I have a hard time loving him. Recently, I have more and more often found no satisfaction in seeing him, being with him. I haver never enjoyed our sex. I've never enjoyed sex at all, it's not just him. I just can't.
I can't be losing  my love for him. Girls, he is THE ONE. Every cell in my body was made for him, him only. I was made for being with him forever, having his children, making his life easier. Better. Just the very thought of leaving him makes something deep inside my ache. So why is it that I can't find these feelings when I'm with him? When he text me, why can't I seem to care what he has to say?
I love him, I know I do. Somewhere deep inside, there is a love like no other. I just can't seem to pull it out anymore. I can't seem to think past gym, food, calories, skinny.
I can't believe he's sticking with me. He is worth so much more, he could have so much better.
He doesn't want to admit it. I'm just scarred someday he'll realize I'm wrong.
I can't function without him.
I just can't feel anything right now.

I have gone numb.
I am never happy anymore
I am never sad either.
I don't care about my friends. My family. Not even my boyfriend...
Sometimes I cry, in the hope that I will feel something.
I cut.
I binge and I purge. I enjoy purging. For a short time, I feel like I can so something right.
I have tried starving. But all that makes me feel is hunger. I don't like hunger.
I like feeling empty though.

I feel Mia calling me. And though I have only known her for a short time, I already adore her.
But Ana has been with me so much longer. She has always spoken to me. My love for her is so deep. I don't know if I'm ready to give her up. Though I never belonged to her anyway.

This picture reminds me of Ana and Mia. I imagine Ana as the blond one, Mia as the dark-haired one.
See, they can exist happily together?

I have gone mad.
And I can't even seem to care about that anymore.

I truly am sorry for this confusing ramble girls. My mood went from in the skies to the bottom at the ocean while writing this post. Shit happens.

I would say I love you.
But I don't know if you'll believe me after my long rambling about not feeling anything, anymore.
I do care about you. You are part of my ED related thoughts.
You are the only ones I seem to be able to care about at the moment.
I love you girls.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. I came across your blog yesterday and love it. I haven't gone through it all so if you want to point anything out please feel free.

    It sucks to be eating and then having to purge. I actually don't recommend purging though. Because by the time you purge the calories have absorbed and it does fuck your metabolism. Instead of eating bad foods I'd recommend eating healthy light foods instead and then excercising it off. And fasting is a bad idea too. I know from experience.

    You will get there. Just think thin. xx

  2. Your post is fine, darling <3 it's fine to ramble and do whatever you please! That's what these blogs are for. Stay strong and I'm sure you'll earn that Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ben and Jerry's! My FAVORITE is Cheesecake Brownie! I live in the US, hence the ease of finding it. Haha. I can never find Chocolate and Peanut Butter Haagen Daaz. (Sorry. No cool symbols). but ironic, yes? Haha. Stay strong! :3

  3. Girl, you just do what you need to do to be thin! But please make friends with ana and ditch mia soon lol I'm trying to do that!
    gooood luck!! I bet that you can make it 2 days fasting with me! I BET YOU CAN! 2 days! 2 FULL DAYS! starting tomorrow, wednesday and going until Friday morning! I BET that you can do it!