Britt Nicole has been taking over every playlist on my computer, Youtube, my Ipod, everywhere! I have fallen in love with how inspering her songs always are, so full of hope. Seriously, it is in every song she has made! Sad, happy, funny, every single one of her songs is about finding hope. Wether it's in God, in yourself or in humanity doesn't matter. It just hits me straight in the heart.
I like the thought that there is always some sort of hope. That no matter how dark things look, somewhere, there's a reason to keep on going, keep believing that life is worth living. I always try to look on the bright side of everything. But as every day goes by, I find that my eating disorder takes over more and more, and pushes everything else out of my head. As each day goes by, I find myself having a little bit harder believing that everything will be alright eventually.
That's why it's so reasuring for me to listen to this kind of music. It gets a tiny bit easier to believe every time I listen to her songs. I want to believe.
My weekend has been weird. Friday and first part of Saturday was very much stressing, but at the same time, that was the best part of my weekend. Went straight to work from school, and then straight down to the scouts hut (there was a sleep-over down by the hut for the small ones that I'm leader for. I had totally forgot!). Got less that 4 hours of sleep that night, and then it was up and start over. Do you guys have any idea how much energy kids have? It's horrible!
Anyway. When I got home Saturday, I took a shower and got ready for the party that I went to the same night. Yesterday night. But honestly, I just didn't feel like it. I had lots of booze, but none of the stuff that I wanted, and I was very drained after the sleep-over, and most of the people at the party, I didn't really like. I went home with Nicolaj when it was 1am, 'cause I seriously was so bored I was falling asleep.
Then, at Nicolaj's place, we just got in the bed and got ready to sleep, and all of the sudden, he totally breaks down. He kept telling me how much he misses the old me, how much I've changed lately. The eating disorder again... After that, we had make up sex. Except he couldn't. This doesn't happen to him a lot, but it happens. And every single time, I can't help but thinking that it's because of me, that he's so bothered with how fat and unatrractive I am that he can't even get it up. (Sorry if this is tmi, I just really needed to get this of my chest).
So today, I just stayed home with my mom. We watched some TV and I made chocolate chip cookies. This is big for me girls, I never ever bake, and when I do, it's the sort of stuff where you just have to add water and bake it. But I made theese from scratch (not that hard), nearly burned the first batch, then made some more. They got so much bigger than I had imagined. Seriously, they're huge! They got pretty good. I did have one that I purged again afterwards though.
Oh, by the way, I didn't eat the cake! I said yes to have it because my friend asked me to, and then I gave her my pieces, though that cake looked sooo good. I mean, there's always a lot of cake going around in my class, but this one looked absolutely amazing. But I gave it away. I think I'm getting better.
Eating wise, my weekend has been alright. I don't know.
I have stopped craving bad things. I don't want crisps, or chocolate, or candy, or cake anymore. But I'm so hungry all the time, I keep eating! I only eat salad, soup and whole lot of bread (salad and soup, good. Bread, bad). And when I go over my allowed limit, I purge. I wouldn't say I'm binging. I'm just eating 4 times a day or so. I have totally lost my willpower! It's so so bad! I can't seem to find it, no matter how hard I try. The last 3 weeks or so have been like that, ever since I realized how to purge. I started eating after finding out, and then when I wanted to go back to resticting, my willpower had dissapeared. In such a short amount of time!
I have no idea what to do. I'm so lost. I have tried fasting every single day for the last week, and every day I have ended up eating so much I had to purge it. WHERE IS MY FUCKING WILLPOWER? I WANT IT BAAACK!!!!!!! :'(
I'm so tired of being weak. I wish I could fast tomorrow, but seriously, I had dinner 1½ hour ago, and I'm already starving again. What the fuck happend?
I just have to slowly fight my way back. I can't make it happen from day to day. I think I'll make a calorie limit for tomorrow sounding 500. It's been too long since I counted my calories. I will tomorrow. And I will write them in here, I will update if I eat after I have already posted, and to make sure I won't go over limit, purging will not be allowed tomorrow. I have to find Ana, and I have to find her soon, 'cause I'm so sick of being stuck in this fat, fat body. I seriously need to lose some weight, and I need to do it fast!
Oh, and gym tomorrow. Haven't been since Wednesday. I'm actually missing it. Me, missing gym?! Now I know for sure that my eating disorder have eveloped! Haha :)
I will be leaving you now.
Thank you so much for the wonderful comments you left me Sam, Ell and Thin Thoughts. It means so much to me. I love you all so much :)
I love all of you!
Jeg elsker jer! <3
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
Sending you lots of love!
- Bella ♥