Sunday, November 13, 2011

Binging and purging-mode


Yeah, yesterday was a binging day. Almost without purging, since I never stopped eating long enough to purge. So. Fucking. Fat!
So I went on the scales this morning, in an attempt to scare myself to stop. And it was very much lower than I had even dreamed. This is good, right? No. No, 'cause today I have been eating like a pig, purging after everything I eat of course. Seriously, I have already ourged 4 times today, and I still have 2 pieces of pizza and a lot of candy bars left. I purge every half hour, 'cause longer, I won't make myself walk around with food in my stomac. I'm scarred it'll be too late if I wait any more. Plus, if I eat something I haven't tried purging before, I go do it as well. I need to know what I can purge and what I can't. I though crisps would be really, really easy, right? No. Crisps and chocolate are very hard to get up if it's something that I've eaten alone. Fluids and firm foods. So I'm eating pizza and chocolate, purging, eating more pizza and chocolate, purging some more. I know it's bad, and I promise, I'll try to not purge as much. But as long as I'm in this binging mode, I need to be able to purge. I will gain all that weight back! That's why I discovered purging from the beginnig.

So, the upcoming week, I will try and go on a resticted diet, with no purging allowed. I really need to lose this habbit, 'cause I seriously purge 2-3 times a day. A month after purging first time. It is highly addicting to me. Being able to eat if I get hungry, and whatever I want... I honestly don't think I'll be able to give it up again. I have already lost so much weight just by purging every time I eat more than I should! And there is nothing I want more than losing weight...

Lately I have noticed hwo everything in my life is centering around my eating disorder. At first, I was capeable of ignoring it when I knew I had to. I could think of other things in school, and I could hide it away inside me. The only time I would ever notice it was when it was eating time. But now, I can't focus in school because I spend all day on Blogger, searching thinspo, or something else ED-related. Every book I read, every movie I see automaticly because 10 times better if I find out there's an eating disordered character in it. I even watch series and movies just because som bi-role in it has an eating disorder. And music...
Music used to be my whole world. I would listen to it all the time. It was my way of coping. There was a song for every mood, every single emotion. Now, the only music I listen to is ED-related music. Songs about anorexia, bulimia, SI (I SI too, so that one goes anyway), about not being good enough, about fighting an endless fight. I don't go by genre any more. I go by how ED it is. My - fucking - music!
This eating disorder had totally taken over my life. But no matter how much I hate that fact, no matter how much I miss how much easier life once were... I can't give up my eating disorder. Never. It will really be with my until I die, and that even if it isn't the eating disorder that kills me.
I don't want to die. But I can't be fat any more. I must be thin. Skinny. Bony.

Just purged the last pizza. I'm thinking about eating a candy bar without purging it. They're 235 each, and filled with sugar and other deliciousness. I though that I'd eat that and skip dinner, just so that I have something to go on, you know? I don't know. It's chocolate...

I really need to stop purging. My throat is burning.
Okay, so tomorrow, fruit and chocolate only. i don't know why the chocolate, but of course, I won't eat more than 500 worth of chocolate. I will not be counting the calories in the fruit. That'll just stress me out. And then I'll just end up purging. And that's exacly what I'm trying not to do...

 Okay, I'm pretty much just repeating myself by now, so I'll just go play some Monster World on Facebook instead.
Until next time, take care lovelies!
I love you all so much!
Even if I don't comment all that much. I really am sorry about that. I just find it hard to find the time, so sometimes I choose to update instead of commenting. But I do read, I promise! Never doubt that!
I love you...
Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't going as well that you'd lie them to be :( Congrats on the low number though :) Be proud of that! Since you got there once, you know that you can get there again!!!...and please try to stop purging, just for the day..I'm worried that because you've been eating thick food and it's been hard to make it come up, that you may hurt yourself...

    Stay beautiful, lovely :)

  2. Please be careful, Bella. It is all that I ask. Have you ever heard of the song Never Good Enough by Rachel Ferguson? And I SI too. I love When She Cries by Britt Nicole and The Way She Feels by Between The Trees. I really don't know a lot of SI songs...I think I have more ED ones in my playlist than SI songs..

    Anywho, take care love. Congrats for the low number :)

  3. Oh Bella, please be careful with yourself. Despite the things we put our bodies through we dont need to do unnecessary damage to them. You really need to cut down the purging and start using it as a last resort only. be careful and im sending my love.

    The diet pills i take are called Metabo Extreme and they work by increasing your energy levels, suppressing your appetite and increasing your metabolism. They do make me feel quite lightheaded, but thats something i kind of like =/ im weird.

    Lolita xx

  4. The girls above me are right, you'll only do more damage to yourself if you keep it up.
    Please stay safe sweetheart.