Friday, December 28, 2012
I'm so fucking scared that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Not nearly.
He's the only thing that makes sense any more.
And I'm so extremely terrified of losing him. I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about it. Every other person I ever loved has left me, or given up on me. Why wouldn't he as well? And it scares me so much that I can't see myself a future with him. Not because I don't want to. But I can't. I can't afford it right now. If I start believing in a life with him, and he walks out on me... I wouldn't be able to take it. It would break my heart into a million tiny pieces. And I'm not quiet sure if anyone would be able to put it back together afterwards. I'm already starting to hope, to dream, and it scares me shit less.
I'm so scared that I'm putting so much more into this relationship than him. That I've misjudged our situation. That he really doesn't love me. Just like me. The comfort of it all. The sex. What if it's not really me?
I'm absolute terrified that he'll some day see me clearly. He'll see how much of an attention seeker I am, how greedy, how selfish, how jealous, how much in need of control I am. How ugly... He wouldn't stay with me, not if he knew the true me. I just don't think so. Terrified.
I'm scared he'll get tired of me. Nothing new ever happens with me. I'm easy to get bored with.
I'm so, so scared that he will some day leave me, feeling nothing but numb, and broken, and worthless. I'm not sure I'd be able to manage. Not with as many suicidal thoughts as I have at the moment.
I'm scared I'm not good enough for him. That he doesn't feel like I care, or listen to him. That I can't help him with his problems, that I'm not there for him when he needs me.
I'm terrified, and in tears. I can't sleep. I'm too scared.
I'm absolutely devoted to him. I'm so much in love, I can't even remember when I last felt something so strong. He made the numbness go away for a while. I'm dependent on him. Stupid as I am, I let myself get caught in the same trap as I did the last time. I need him too fucking much, and every fucking time he lets me down, it hurts me so bad. He's all I care for, though I know I'm not even close to all he cares for.
I'm so scared to lose you baby.
I love you. So, so, so, so very much. You will never understand it.
You will never know. I wish I had the guts to tell you all of this, but I don't. So you'll never know how I really feel. I'll just continue to smile, and savor every single second I have with you, and pretend I don't know that my time with you is borrowed. I'll enjoy what I have, for as long as I have it. Have you.
I love you.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Well, I don't want to fucking eat, 'cause it's all just gonna end up in the toilet any way - which my mother know very well. She commented on the toilet not flushing properly after my last purge. I don't want to dance around a fucking tree, holding hands, singing songs. I don't want to spend hours of watching what other people get for Christmas. I - DON'T - FUCKING - CARE! Why doesn't anyone in my family seem to realize this?!
I want to have a nice Christmas, just me and my boy. Who is Rasmus now, yes, but this is just a general dream. I want to make a light, lovely Christmas dinner together the man I love, and have fun with it. We'll eat, and laugh, and we'll drink too much alcohol, and we'll have a fucking nice time doing it. Then, we'll open presents together. Then there's sex. And at the end of the night, we'll cuddle on the couch, watching some cheesy Christmas movie. And when we go to bed, we will fall asleep in each others arms. That would be the perfect Christmas.
I don't wanna go to sleep alone tonight.
My life has never felt as sad as it does right now. I have never in my entire life felt so lonely, so depressed, so fucking helpless.
I'm sitting here, in my room, on Christmas eve, alone. Smoking a cigarette, listening to depressing music. Knowing I'm about to eat a bunch of food I don't want, food I won't enjoy, and then go throw it all up again. Nobody's texting me. Nobody's even thinking about me.
I'm sitting here, in my room, on Christmas eve, alone. Crying...
Why do we do this to ourselves loves? Why do we always insist on being miserable, on being depressed and alone. We pull ourselves away from the people who loves us, so that we can run around and say "I'm all alone, it's so hard, feel sorry for me". Why?
Because we don't deserve any better. We don't deserve happiness, so we keep a distance to anything that can make us happy. We don't deserve anyone loving us, so we let go of the people in our lives. We don't deserve fucking shit. But we don't deserve to die either. That's too fucking easy. So we walk around, empty and broken, just fighting to get through day after fucking day. We're nothing but empty shells. We're not dead, physically, yet we feel so dead inside. And no one understands. No one but the people who have tried it themselves, can possibly understand our pain. They can't see it.
We all just want someone to see us.
To save us, while there's still something left to save.
Merry Christmas guys.
I hope you're doing better than me.
No matter what,
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥
Friday, December 21, 2012
I also want you guys to know how much I love you. Seriously, like... So much. It's crazy.
4 eggs, scrambled and with ketchup, and 2 pancakes with syrup, sugar and whipped cream. Wow, what a fat ass.
So, if you need me girls, I'll be spending my last day on earth purging, and then trying to work it off in the gym.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Note to self: whenever Rasmus as much as mentions his computer, dig in your heels. Run away. Fast. Or refuse. Anything so it won't end up like this.
So, we're on our way home from scouts, when he says "can we just pick up my computer at my friends place before we go home to me? Not because I'm going to play or anything. Well be there for an hour tops". Now, 3 hours later, he has decided that we should sleep here. And him and his friend is gaming again. So basically, I'm stuck for the night in a house I don't know, with people I don't know, and absolutely nothing to do. I'm through my Tumblr, my Facebook, even my blog... Never trust that boy to make a decision I like, as soon as a computer is involved!
Still purging. Not eating as much as last I was purging, but definitely more than I could allow to stay down. Weekly weigh in tomorrow, if you still want me to do that? I figured I'm just going to start over with all that shit.
So now, I figure I'll go sulk in a corner until my boyfriend takes the hint. And that can be hours from now, seriously...
Sorry about the short post. I'm on my phone, and I do not get along with the touchpad!
So, until next time loves,
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Christmas is overrated. You always watch all the movies, all the TV series. All the pictures of the pretty lights, the children building snowmen and having fun, couples holding hands. Truth is, you lose three toes just trying to go into that weather. Might as well just stay inside, listening to depressing music, updating your blog.
Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of the year. Everyone was just so happy, and the whole nation was just glowing with joy and anticipation. I was no different than any other kid. With stars in my eyes, and I watched the candle with it's numbers slowly count down to the big day, opening my advent calender, making wish lists as long as myself.
Now, I can't stand it. All these people around me, trying to act so fucking happy all the time, trying to hold on to the childish illusion I used to love so much. I see through them. I know they're really just stressed, and sad, and broke, and just wishing for this month to be over. Everyone, they're all so fucking fake this month. And why? Because that's the social standard. Everyone does it. They all smile, and laugh, and wish each other a very merry Christmas, but most of all, they just wanna scream and swear at Santa Claus and this whole fucking tradition.
Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I just... Gosh, I hate it.
I purged yesterday evening. Well, night, actually. This morning too. I lasted 38 days. But it's just not working. I'm sick of acting like I'm okay. People think as long as I'm not purging or cutting or breaking down in public, that I'm okay, I'm getting better. When the truth is, I'm getting so much worse. The anti depressives are not working. I find myself thinking about suicide every fucking day. I just want to cut open my skin and disappear. Never come back. I'm a loser. I dropped out of school, but I can't even find a job. I have no money, no friends, no interests.
I am nothing anymore. Just an empty shell.
I've gotten so well at acting, it comes naturally to me. So I guess I'll just keep going through this hell, until I finally break some day. I cut, I cry, I lie, I fake a smile, and they all believe me when I say I'm "fine".
I think it's because I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. Lena and I, we've just sorta flown apart. I still see her and her lovely family, but we don't talk like we used to. Rasmus... He's not into deep conversations. I keep trying to tell him I need it, but it never really happens. Mie, she's always working. And if not, she's all hooked on her newest love. So even though I have the best boyfriend I've ever had, the best friends, the best family... I still feel alone all the time. And that hurts, girls...
I know you guys haven't heard a lot about Rasmus yet, but there's something I really need to get of my chest.
I don't think it's going to last. Don't get me wrong, I wish for it, more than anything. But it feels like we expect different things from a partner, me being a selfish little bitch, just wanting him all to myself, and him being Mr. social, just wanting to spend time with his friends and play his stupid game with them. And I just feel like, some day, he's going to realize this. And he's going to dump me, and find someone better, someone he can be himself with. And I just so don't want to lose him girls. I really, really don't. He's the best thing I ever had, and I'm so fucking afraid. All the time.
I haven't seen him since Thursday, when he left in the evening because he had to work the next day. He was supposed to stay here, to sleep by my side. I sleep so badly when he's not there. But he left. And though I have begged him, literally, to come home to me, to come help me, he's been at his friends house since Friday, and is staying there until tomorrow. He's only an hour away, and he can't come to me when I'm begging him, sobbing and broken, to come hold me, even for just one second. He has to stay with his friends, and play LOL or COD or what the fuck he's playing this time.
I needed him so bad last night. And he wasn't there. I wrote him, crying, telling him that I couldn't handle it by myself. And he just told me that "he's not the kind of boyfriend who is there all the time". I'm not fucking asking you to be there all the time! I'm asking you to be there for me, when
So, I had breakfast today (a bun and a piece of bread, both with cheese spread). A stupid, stupid habit, that he got me into too. But I had it at, like, 12 pm. So I should be able to make it through the day, into the evening, where I'll come up with some excuse for my parents. Maybe I should just take a long hike. In the storm. Get lost, get buried underneath the masses of snow and sludge and... I don't know.
My cat disappeared two weeks ago. And Monday this week, we had to get my doggy put down. Damn, I miss them so much, both. They were the only ones in this house, who was just as intelligent as me. The only ones I could really talk to. I guess that's pathetic, huh?
Merry fucking Christmas, and a "happy" New Year to you all.
We all know that's not going to happen, though.
I love you girls. With all my heart, I love you, and I will never ever leave you like this again. So sorry! <3
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥
Thursday, December 6, 2012
In that time, I have only cut twince.
My weight is averagely beneath the 80's, which I have been stuck in for a year or something.
Yes, that's right girls. I'm alive. I doubt that I've got even a single one of you left, who actually bothers to comment. Or even read this. But I'm here.
Why now? Why, when everything is going this well?
There can only be one reason.
I was showing Rasmus, my boyfriend, some pictures of girls I though was utterly beautiful. He thought them all to be too thin. At one picture, I stopped, and I told him "I would kill to look like that". He looked at me very seriously, and then said "no you wouldn't. If you wanted it that much, you would look like that".
Yes. He said that. To me. Even though I have told him a hundred times to watch out for what he's saying. He doesn't understand my mind yet. He keeps coming with comments like these. But this one... I'll show you honey. I'll show you just how bad I want this. I'll help you understand my mind. There is only two things going on in there. 1) Get thin, get beautiful, and 2) Make him think so too, make him never want to let me go.
So I am back. Starving. Purging. Doing whatever it takes.
I will get there. Wait and see.
Don't you ever dare to doubt my will. Not on this. Not ever...