Sunday, December 9, 2012

Snow is falling

All around me, Children playing, Having fun! It's the season for, Love and understanding! Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas is overrated. You always watch all the movies, all the TV series. All the pictures of the pretty lights, the children building snowmen and having fun, couples holding hands. Truth is, you lose three toes just trying to go into that weather. Might as well just stay inside, listening to depressing music, updating your blog.

Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of the year. Everyone was just so happy, and the whole nation was just glowing with joy and anticipation. I was no different than any other kid. With stars in my eyes, and I watched the candle with it's numbers slowly count down to the big day, opening my advent calender, making wish lists as long as myself.
Now, I can't stand it. All these people around me, trying to act so fucking happy all the time, trying to hold on to the childish illusion I used to love so much. I see through them. I know they're really just stressed, and sad, and broke, and just wishing for this month to be over. Everyone, they're all so fucking fake this month. And why? Because that's the social standard. Everyone does it. They all smile, and laugh, and wish each other a very merry Christmas, but most of all, they just wanna scream and swear at Santa Claus and this whole fucking tradition.
Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I just... Gosh, I hate it.

I purged yesterday evening. Well, night, actually. This morning too. I lasted 38 days. But it's just not working. I'm sick of acting like I'm okay. People think as long as I'm not purging or cutting or breaking down in public, that I'm okay, I'm getting better. When the truth is, I'm getting so much worse. The anti depressives are not working. I find myself thinking about suicide every fucking day. I just want to cut open my skin and disappear. Never come back. I'm a loser. I dropped out of school, but I can't even find a job. I have no money, no friends, no interests.
I am nothing anymore. Just an empty shell.
I've gotten so well at acting, it comes naturally to me. So I guess I'll just keep going through this hell, until I finally break some day. I cut, I cry, I lie, I fake a smile, and they all believe me when I say I'm "fine".

I think it's because I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. Lena and I, we've just sorta flown apart. I still see her and her lovely family, but we don't talk like we used to. Rasmus... He's not into deep conversations. I keep trying to tell him I need it, but it never really happens. Mie, she's always working. And if not, she's all hooked on her newest love. So even though I have the best boyfriend I've ever had, the best friends, the best family... I still feel alone all the time. And that hurts, girls...

I know you guys haven't heard a lot about Rasmus yet, but there's something I really need to get of my chest.

I don't think it's going to last. Don't get me wrong, I wish for it, more than anything. But it feels like we expect different things from a partner, me being a selfish little bitch, just wanting him all to myself, and him being Mr. social, just wanting to spend time with his friends and play his stupid game with them. And I just feel like, some day, he's going to realize this. And he's going to dump me, and find someone better, someone he can be himself with. And I just so don't want to lose him girls. I really, really don't. He's the best thing I ever had, and I'm so fucking afraid. All the time.
I haven't seen him since Thursday, when he left in the evening because he had to work the next day. He was supposed to stay here, to sleep by my side. I sleep so badly when he's not there. But he left. And though I have begged him, literally, to come home to me, to come help me, he's been at his friends house since Friday, and is staying there until tomorrow. He's only an hour away, and he can't come to me when I'm begging him, sobbing and broken, to come hold me, even for just one second. He has to stay with his friends, and play LOL or COD or what the fuck he's playing this time.
I needed him so bad last night. And he wasn't there. I wrote him, crying, telling him that I couldn't handle it by myself. And he just told me that "he's not the kind of boyfriend who is there all the time". I'm not fucking asking you to be there all the time! I'm asking you to be there for me, when I FUCKING NEED YOU!

So, I had breakfast today (a bun and a piece of bread, both with cheese spread). A stupid, stupid habit, that he got me into too. But I had it at, like, 12 pm. So I should be able to make it through the day, into the evening, where I'll come up with some excuse for my parents. Maybe I should just take a long hike. In the storm. Get lost, get buried underneath the masses of snow and sludge and... I don't know.

My cat disappeared two weeks ago. And Monday this week, we had to get my doggy put down. Damn, I miss them so much, both. They were the only ones in this house, who was just as intelligent as me. The only ones I could really talk to. I guess that's pathetic, huh?

Merry fucking Christmas, and a "happy" New Year to you all.
We all know that's not going to happen, though.

I love you girls. With all my heart, I love you, and I will never ever leave you like this again. So sorry! <3

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. I can identify so much Bella
    People think that because I regained some weight this year that I must be better
    But that couldn't be further from the truth
    My body may have started to recover but my mind is still so very sick
    I wear many masks, happy, confident, well
    But I'm dying inside

    I hope things get better for you
    Try not to beat yourself up
    Be kind to yourself

    Stay strong x

  2. Wow, reading your post was like realizing a sad truth. My boyfriend is always working and we only get to spend 1 day/night with each other a week, so I know how hard it can be to be away from him. Honestly though, it really bothered me to read that even when you were crying and begging him he wouldn't come be with you. Thats what love is, being there for the other person. And while I can understand having time apart to create separate identities and encourage separate interests and what not, to me, no matter what, if someone you love needs you, you do what you have to to help. Especially as a girlfriend, that is your right!
    Don't let him walk all over you, it will just encourage the behaviour to repeat and not motivate any sort of change what so ever.
    I know the worry and fear can be overwhelming. We're in very similar circumstances, i also have dropped out of school and have no job and generally feel like a waste of space every day. I keep telling myself that as long as I lose weight things will be okay. If I am smaller then somehow my problems won't seem so big. It's so wrong to think that way and so irrational but thats the only way I cope.
    I hope you are able to find a healthy way to manage your stress. Sometime I like to paint to unwind, find something to take your mind off of everything, even a minute.
    love always,

  3. This time of year really sucks, I can't wait for boxing Day when we can put all the stupid pretend winter stuff away and embrace the summer that is really going on outside. It's not helping my head any.

    People are fucking stupid. They'd rather deal with a pleasant lie of an exterior than the truth which is not nice and may take work to deal with. It makes me want to slap people SO HARD.

    Ok, wtf? He is being a dick. You both do need time to hang out with your mates, but if you're struggling that bad and he won't come help I wouldn't keep him around for good. It's not worth the extra emotional pain.

    *Huggles* Losing pets is hard. I hope your cat does come home, and poor goggeh. *Huggles again* It's NOT pathetic! I got along better with the family cat than I did any members of my immediate family. Smart people like animals.

    Sending you tons of love. I don't know what else to do. Hang on, ok? Look after yourself. Better things will happen. They have to.

    Love love love you <3