Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy new year girls! (Very quick)

I have to leave my house in 5 minute to go get a haircut and help preparing tonight's party at my best friends house. I just wanted to wish you all a very very happy new year!
I hope all of you will get well into the new year. And that you will all reach all of your resolutions!

Speaking of those, I did find one more that was so important, I thought I should add it here:

  • Become a better vegetarian - You can't just say you're a vegetarian to everyone, and still eat meat almost every day!

January 1st will be fasting for me. I'm going to have spring rolls and alcohol for dinner, so I'll need it, haha :)

2012 will be our year girls! This year, we will accomplish great things! We will lose weight, gain confidence and leave everyone starring, wondering the fuck we can be so awesome!

Happy new year girls! I love you all so much!
Please don't lose any fingers tonight!
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Mentos' and New Year's resolutions!

I just opened a pack of Mentos fruit (140 calories for the whole thing), divided the pastilles in 3 piles, color coded, just to see how many there was of each. You see, I love the yellow ones, the lemon ones, but when I have a pack of Mentos, I always feel like there's hardly yellows in it. In this randomly picked pack, 7 out of 14 was pink, strawberry, 5 was orange, orange, and ONLY 2 WAS YELLOW. Like, wtf? Are you kidding me? So as I am writing this, I am chewing on a load of strawberry Mentos' and sulking.

So... My friend Tine blew me off. I was supposed to come visit her in Copenhagen, but she called me yesterday just as I was getting ready to leave the gym. She told me she had totally forgotten that she had promised her other former best friend to come visit her, here in Køge where I live, so she couldn't be with me. Then she asked me if, since she was in Køge anyway, she could just come here tomorrow. I told her, pretty cold I'm afraid, that I couldn't because I had to go visit my grandma. Of course, if she really forgot, there's no reason to be mad. But I just know her so well. I know she would totally just pretend to have had a deal with that other girl, just because she felt more like visiting her. Or if she just didn't want to see me at all.
It's not like I was looking that much forward to seeing her. She always pretty much just used me because she could. I was the fat copy of her that she made fun of behind my back, but I was good enough when no one else was available. But it still pisses me of that she treats me this way, so long after. I was starting to hope she had changed after moving... Oh well, maybe not.

I  really need a new diet. From January 1st, I need to be doing some kind of diet. It needs to help me stop purging without starving me totally, and it needs to be effective, 'cause I'm starting to get pretty damn reckless here. Any advice?

And now, for the funny part.
My New Year's resolutions!

Okay, let's start out with looking at last year's resolutions and see how well I've done.
  •  Loose 25 kg (55.1 lbs) at least! I have lots of weight to loose from, and in one year, I should at least be able to loose the double!
  •  Start jogging! I just hate that sh*t. But I have to do it. I just have to! Buuut I'll wait 'till the weather gets better whit this one ;)
  •  Use my money better! I have 3 jobs, and I make great a deal of money every month. But then I always go waste them on junk. This will end! I will have more money, and I will be able to buy whatever I want.
  •  Become more active socialy. I will not spend the next new year alone, doing something dead boring! I want to go to more parties, and I want to have fun!
That's just sad. Looking at that, I haven't reached a single one of my resolutions. Maybe the first one wasn't so realistic, but the rest of them... Oh God. Let's try and do better this year, right?

My New Year's resolutions 2011 is:

  • Reach goal weigh 4 or 5 before end of the year 2012 - I'd love to say way below that, but I want to be realistic this year and actually make my resolutions!
  • Get that God damn purging under control! - Don't want to end up like Cassie, do we?
  • Become more thankful for what I have, instead of always wanting more - I have been a real bitch this year, to Nicolaj, my family, to myself and anybody else around me. It's about time I change that.
  • Start jogging - This year, I'm serious!
  • Become a better blogger and, most important, follower - I don't ever really comment, and I have started to suck on updating my own blog as well. We can't have that happening!
  • Cut down on the soda's and up the water instead - I drink waaay to many carbonated drinks...
I think that's it? I'll probably have tons to add to it as soon as I post this. I'll make a list on my computer that I can add on or something.

Any advice on the diet-thing, let me know. Also, I'd love to hear your New Year's resolutions if you feel like sharing! :)
I love you girls. I love you very, very much!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Weekly weigh in + Christmas/New Year stuff

CW: 79,3 kg/174,8 lbs (BMI 28,4)
Loss: 1,2 kg/2,6 lbs
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
So, I had actually decided that I wanted to reach my goal weight 2 by New Years eve, and mostly, I am an optimist. But even I have to admit that that'll be a little hard. If I hadn't been fucking up so much lately, I would totally have made it. But I can't change the future, and it's nothing I want to cry about (any more). I will be fasting for the next to days, hoping that on the 31st I'll be able to at lease see the 78, even if it's not .0. And this time, I will not break my fast. I have been spending two days eating and relaxing and enjoying myself, so by now, I should have summoned up the strength that I need for it. Really, two days, I have done that a couple of times before by now. I have enough money to buy all the Diet Coke I'll want, and I have excuses enough for a couple of evenings.
Also, gym with mom later today, and maybe Friday as well. Hurray for mom! It's been over a week since I've been to the gym, damn it's going to be hard!
So, I never had a chance to tell you guys what I got for Christmas! It was kind of boring, but most of it really needed, so.

From Nicolaj: Skullcandy headphones + white, fuzzy bathrope.
From mom & dad: 700 dkk + a new printer.
From Amanda & Patrick: 5 new nail polishs + 1 mascara.
From grandmother, mom's side of the family: Make-up box.
From grandfather & wife, mom's side of the family: 150 dkk, hidden in a cute little elf-figure-thingy.
From grandmother & aunt, dad's side of the family: 400 dkk.
From grandfather & Kirsten, dad's side of the family: 500 dkk, wrapped around a hair-care product for colored hair.
From the in-laws: 5 books about some vapire-thingy. I like vampires.

And that would be it. Mostly just money (1750 dkk), which you can convert here to get a better picture of how much that actually is. But a handful useful stuff as well, like that printer. We're supposed to bring our own for our written exams when we get there, and the one I had was broken. Which, of course, is why I got it. My parents knew that. And don't misunderstand me, I'm really really thankful for all the gifts given me! I love my family so much. Most of the time. When they're not around for me to listen to all their arguments. I love them as individuals, okay? Oh God, you know what I mean!

Tomorrow, I'm going to Copenhagen, to meet up with my former best friend. Her name is Tine, and she's very very very very very thin. I remember once, we were hanging out in Køge, and we were wearing the same tank top. It was in our scene period (ha ha, I used to be wannabe scene!), and the tights were almost the same as well. Mine were in blue, hers in green, with leopard spots on it. She had the blue as well, and I had the green too. Hair dyed black, with tons of extensions in it. Leg warmes that almost covered out worn sneakers and, tons of necklaces and bracelets dangling on us. The tank top was bright pink, and one of those long ones that goes past your butt, so you can wear it as a dress. Except mine didn't go past my but, and I was wearing shorts underneath it. Tine was so cute in her scene clothes, really tall, flat stomach, cute accessories. I never realized until later how pathetic I must have looked next to her, being 90 kg/198 lbs, shorter, with fewer necklaces and bracelets, ripped tights that had all my leg-fat showing, muffin-top clearly visible through the tank top. And I just remember looking at her, decided that I wouldn't eat ever again until I looked like her. She was such a beauty in my eyes. Oh dear, what a time...

New Year in three days, and I already have the dress! I'm thinking about bleaching my hair for it, then dying it read afterwards. But I wasn't supposed to get red hair until my goal weight 4 or 5 or something. It's just, black dress, black shoes, black hair, black make-up. It kinda gets too much, if you know what I mean?
Oh, and I promise, I'll post a picture of my in the dress, along with one of me in the dress I bought for Nicolaj's birthday (more than a month ago). I remember someone asking me to post it, though I can't remember who. Well, it will be coming!
I don't know if I get another chance to blog before New Years Eve, since I'm going to Copenhagen tomorrow, up to visit my Grandma Friday, and then promised my best friend to decorate her house and make the dinner for New Years Eve. She's having a party. It's not gonna be huge, we'll be 12 people and her mom. Normally, the mom-part would really disturb me, but I know her mom, and she's pretty cool, so I think it'll be alright. I'm really looking forward to it this year, since my last New Years Eve was kinda boring. Anyone who has gone back in my blog know that. It'll be fun to go a little crazy this year, after a year of playing Ludo and drinking apple cider. It was nice last year, though! Very quiet and lovely.

So girls, even if I don't get a chance to make a real update, I promise I'll still be writing to you and wishing you a happy new year and all that stuff. And I will still be reading at any time available!

I love you all, my wonderful butterflies. So so so so so so so much!
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas everyone!

So, today's the day of Christmas Eve!
I must admit, I haven't been looking forward to this night, but now the day has come, I can feel myself starting to think about the presents, the delicious food, going to church with my sister and grandma, and all that sort of stuff. I'm trying to focus on the positive, 'cause my weight this morning was crazy, and I really don't want to think about tomorrow.
I ate tons yesterday, and I didn't purge once! When I say I ate tons, what I mean is, I ate a bit normal - a toast for lunch, two pieces of bread and a bit of rice pudding for dinner - and then tons of Christmas treats. I was at Nicolaj's place, and his mom likes to make all the sweets herself. Home made sugar roasted almonds, anyone? Delicious Christmas cookies in all sorts of shapes and sizes, with tons of different delicious tastes? Put me in there, and you have why my weight has been going up, up, up lately.

But today, I'm happy. Today will be a good day, because I said so. I'm gonna get started with the cleaning as soon as I've posted this thing. Which I will do, as soon as I've written it.
I finally took some time to just sit down and comment on all the recent posts. I know I'm the worlds worst follower, and I'm sorry girls. One of my New Years resolutions are to get better at the commenting, I swear!

Eew, I look so fat in this clothes.
Eew, I'm so fat in general.
The end.

I should also go put on some make-up and do my hair. Luckily, there's about 4 hours 'til we get guests and I have to go to church. Plenty of time! Besides, why stress about cleaning a room that we aren't even going to be in? Toady, I'm in a good mood. A chilly mood.

My parents are so brilliant. They though they'd make us all happy this Christmas morning, so they put a small present in each sock, along with a bunch of candy. And I know I'll probably just end up throwing it all out or something, since that would be better than eating it and cry about it afterwards.
I hate how hard this has to be. I hate being such a bitch to my parents, when they're just trying to be sweet. And the necklace I got with the candy really is pretty! I'm wearing it right now, so they'll know how thankful I am.

I'm a bad daughter. I never help at home, I never spend any time with them, I never thank them for anything or tell them how much I love them. Well, all these things are what I never do to my mom. But it's no secret I don't really like my dad, so I guess I don't feel nearly as guilty about that. Which just makes me an even worse daughter, doesn't it?

I'm pretty much empty. I can't come up with anything else to write.
Today it is Christmas, and I'm happy. That's pretty much it, isn't it?
Oh well.
I wish you lovelies all a very, very merry Christmas, or to any non-Christians, happy holidays!
I love you girls so much, and I will be thinking about you tonight, when opening presents and thanking everyone for everything they've given me.
Also, I just wanted to be a good person and post this - It's a new blogger who writes really amazing. I'm her only follower, and I think she deserves so many more. Take a look at it, if not for me then for her, and show her she's not alone. No one deserves to be.

Merry Christmas everyone!
Happy holidays!

I love you!
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Thursday, December 22, 2011

(Yesterday's) Weekly weigh-in + 1 fucking year! (Long one)

CW: 80,5 kg/177,5 lbs (BMI 28,9)
Loss: +1 kg/2,2 lbs
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

I was so bummed about that, I couldn't get myself towrite you about that. I was feeling like shit. I was so down, I even cut myself. Explanation further down.
I had actually decided not to tell you girls about it. But when I stepped on the scale today, the scale were saying 79,6 kg/175,5 lbs. I have my period at the moment, so I have come to believe that the gain was just a bloat. That kind of cheered me up. A lot.
Also, I baked scones yesterday. Just because I felt like it. They were pretty damn good, considering my abilities in a kitchen, and the fact that I'd never made them before, ever.
And, I had a wonderfu day with Nicolaj. I finaly got my Christmas break Tuesday but Nicolaj had to wait until yesterday. So I spend a day sleeping, reading in my book, snuggling with my boy all day, baking, eating less than I have in... Well, forever.

About the best follower thing. I'm really serious. You girls are so amazing! When I made that post monday, I was feeling like shit. Like I'd never be able to feel okay with myself again, like no one had ever failed like I had, like nothing was ever gonna make me smile again. Then a few hours later, I log on to find the most beautiful and inspiring comments. You girls were so kind to me, so much more than I deserve, and I was able to fall asleep with a smile on my face, knowing that somewhere in this world, there was someone who wasn't unhappy or disappointed with me. And even though I had gained for Tuesday, I managed to keep smiling. Even though I cut my thigh that morning - and it fucking hurt! - I managed to keep up a happy face. I managed to stay happy. Because I have the fucking BEST followers in the world!
Thank you so much girls! You have no idea what this means to me!

So... I cut again. I just couldn't bear to see the weight, just going up and up and up... I have my weigh in tomorrow, and I'll be lucky if I'm still just anywhere near 80. And it just hurt so much more when I stood there, looking at myself, knowing that the only person who was to blame was me. I just hated myself so much, I had to do something. So I broke my lady shaver, and I took the blades from that one and used. I have a kind of bad situation, 'cause I lost one of them when I opened it with the knife. It just flew away, and I have no idea where it landed. And those things are sharp, you know.
I chose my thighs. One, they're so fucking fat and ugly and I hate them, and two, it's so much easier to hide. I don't want to run around Christmas Eve, or even New Years Eve, and feel a bit less pretty because my cuts doesn't go with my dress.
It's pretty much healed now, and it doesn't hurt anymore. I guess I'm just sad it had to go as far as me cutting before I could get myself together and start losing again.

Christmas Saturday... I don't think i'll be able to give you girls a happy result next Wednesday. I already know how that evening wil go. Trying not to eat all day, failing, purging. Then eat a crap-load of wonderful, tasty dinner that my mom have been working on for hours. Purge. Same goes for the Christmas sweets that I'll eat while we open presents. That's right, Danish people get to open their presents on the 24th, after having eaten and danced around the tree. That's the only good thing about that evening, now my uncle Jan isn't comming anyway.

This will without a doubt be the worst Christmas I've ever had. I'm just waiting for it to be over...