Monday, February 18, 2013
I don't know what to say.
So much of my life has gone by with all this shit, and finally, finally, I found the place I belonged. I was supported, loved. I was never alone. I want you all, old as well as new followers, to know how fucking much you have meant to me. I'm so grateful for all the times I've been on here, broken down, and found nothing but love a support in you. You are all amazing persons, and I love you with all my heart.
I'm getting really well loves.
I don't binge, purge or cut any more. I don't always eat right, but I don't punish myself afterwards anymore. I may not always eat enough, but I do eat.
I'm getting better. I really am. I still have bad days, but I've learned to live through them.
I've made a promise to myself. From now on, I'm going to do everything I can to make every day count. Not all days may be good, but there'll be something good in every day from now on.
Take care of yourself girls.
I hope you'll be able to fight through this, to get out to the brighter side, feel the warmth and joy.
I'm wishing the best for every single one of you.
I love you girls,
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I hate to dance. But baby, I'd dance with you all night if you asked me to.
And I hate to sing infront of others. But I'd sing you to sleep if you needed me to.
I hate to hold another person, hate comforming them. But I'd hold you, comfort you all night if you felt bad.
And I hate to watch movies with aliens and action an blood and horrorstories. But I'd cuddle up on a sofa watching it with you if you wanted me to.
I hate to think things through and plan ahead. But if you needed that too, I'd do it for you.
And I hate to trust, to let you go your own way. But you asked me to, so I'm doing just that. With tears in my eyes, I'm waiting for you to find the time to write me, between the computergames and the friends you're with.
Because I love you so much. And I'd do anything for you. Even when it breaks me down, makes me want to never let you leave me again. I'd do anything you asked for. Just please. Let me know you love me back...
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Friday, December 28, 2012
I'm so fucking scared that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Not nearly.
He's the only thing that makes sense any more.
And I'm so extremely terrified of losing him. I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about it. Every other person I ever loved has left me, or given up on me. Why wouldn't he as well? And it scares me so much that I can't see myself a future with him. Not because I don't want to. But I can't. I can't afford it right now. If I start believing in a life with him, and he walks out on me... I wouldn't be able to take it. It would break my heart into a million tiny pieces. And I'm not quiet sure if anyone would be able to put it back together afterwards. I'm already starting to hope, to dream, and it scares me shit less.
I'm so scared that I'm putting so much more into this relationship than him. That I've misjudged our situation. That he really doesn't love me. Just like me. The comfort of it all. The sex. What if it's not really me?
I'm absolute terrified that he'll some day see me clearly. He'll see how much of an attention seeker I am, how greedy, how selfish, how jealous, how much in need of control I am. How ugly... He wouldn't stay with me, not if he knew the true me. I just don't think so. Terrified.
I'm scared he'll get tired of me. Nothing new ever happens with me. I'm easy to get bored with.
I'm so, so scared that he will some day leave me, feeling nothing but numb, and broken, and worthless. I'm not sure I'd be able to manage. Not with as many suicidal thoughts as I have at the moment.
I'm scared I'm not good enough for him. That he doesn't feel like I care, or listen to him. That I can't help him with his problems, that I'm not there for him when he needs me.
I'm terrified, and in tears. I can't sleep. I'm too scared.
I'm absolutely devoted to him. I'm so much in love, I can't even remember when I last felt something so strong. He made the numbness go away for a while. I'm dependent on him. Stupid as I am, I let myself get caught in the same trap as I did the last time. I need him too fucking much, and every fucking time he lets me down, it hurts me so bad. He's all I care for, though I know I'm not even close to all he cares for.
I'm so scared to lose you baby.
I love you. So, so, so, so very much. You will never understand it.
You will never know. I wish I had the guts to tell you all of this, but I don't. So you'll never know how I really feel. I'll just continue to smile, and savor every single second I have with you, and pretend I don't know that my time with you is borrowed. I'll enjoy what I have, for as long as I have it. Have you.
I love you.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Well, I don't want to fucking eat, 'cause it's all just gonna end up in the toilet any way - which my mother know very well. She commented on the toilet not flushing properly after my last purge. I don't want to dance around a fucking tree, holding hands, singing songs. I don't want to spend hours of watching what other people get for Christmas. I - DON'T - FUCKING - CARE! Why doesn't anyone in my family seem to realize this?!
I want to have a nice Christmas, just me and my boy. Who is Rasmus now, yes, but this is just a general dream. I want to make a light, lovely Christmas dinner together the man I love, and have fun with it. We'll eat, and laugh, and we'll drink too much alcohol, and we'll have a fucking nice time doing it. Then, we'll open presents together. Then there's sex. And at the end of the night, we'll cuddle on the couch, watching some cheesy Christmas movie. And when we go to bed, we will fall asleep in each others arms. That would be the perfect Christmas.
I don't wanna go to sleep alone tonight.
My life has never felt as sad as it does right now. I have never in my entire life felt so lonely, so depressed, so fucking helpless.
I'm sitting here, in my room, on Christmas eve, alone. Smoking a cigarette, listening to depressing music. Knowing I'm about to eat a bunch of food I don't want, food I won't enjoy, and then go throw it all up again. Nobody's texting me. Nobody's even thinking about me.
I'm sitting here, in my room, on Christmas eve, alone. Crying...
Why do we do this to ourselves loves? Why do we always insist on being miserable, on being depressed and alone. We pull ourselves away from the people who loves us, so that we can run around and say "I'm all alone, it's so hard, feel sorry for me". Why?
Because we don't deserve any better. We don't deserve happiness, so we keep a distance to anything that can make us happy. We don't deserve anyone loving us, so we let go of the people in our lives. We don't deserve fucking shit. But we don't deserve to die either. That's too fucking easy. So we walk around, empty and broken, just fighting to get through day after fucking day. We're nothing but empty shells. We're not dead, physically, yet we feel so dead inside. And no one understands. No one but the people who have tried it themselves, can possibly understand our pain. They can't see it.
We all just want someone to see us.
To save us, while there's still something left to save.
Merry Christmas guys.
I hope you're doing better than me.
No matter what,
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥
Friday, December 21, 2012
I also want you guys to know how much I love you. Seriously, like... So much. It's crazy.
4 eggs, scrambled and with ketchup, and 2 pancakes with syrup, sugar and whipped cream. Wow, what a fat ass.
So, if you need me girls, I'll be spending my last day on earth purging, and then trying to work it off in the gym.