Monday, February 18, 2013

My last words

This will be the very last entry I will ever make on this blog.
I don't know what to say.

So much of my life has gone by with all this shit, and finally, finally, I found the place I belonged. I was supported, loved. I was never alone. I want you all, old as well as new followers, to know how fucking much you have meant to me. I'm so grateful for all the times I've been on here, broken down, and found nothing but love a support in you. You are all amazing persons, and I love you with all my heart.

I'm getting really well loves.
I don't binge, purge or cut any more. I don't always eat right, but I don't punish myself afterwards anymore. I may not always eat enough, but I do eat.
I'm getting better. I really am. I still have bad days, but I've learned to live through them.
I've made a promise to myself. From now on, I'm going to do everything I can to make every day count. Not all days may be good, but there'll be something good in every day from now on.

Take care of yourself girls.
I hope you'll be able to fight through this, to get out to the brighter side, feel the warmth and joy.
I'm wishing the best for every single one of you.

I love you girls,
Take care
- Bella

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Anything for you, love.

I hate to dance. But baby, I'd dance with you all night if you asked me to.
And I hate to sing infront of others. But I'd sing you to sleep if you needed me to.
I hate to hold another person, hate comforming them. But I'd hold you, comfort you all night if you felt bad.
And I hate to watch movies with aliens and action an blood and horrorstories. But I'd cuddle up on a sofa watching it with you if you wanted me to.
I hate to think things through and plan ahead. But if you needed that too, I'd do it for you.

And I hate to trust, to let you go your own way. But you asked me to, so I'm doing just that. With tears in my eyes, I'm waiting for you to find the time to write me, between the computergames and the friends you're with.

Because I love you so much. And I'd do anything for you. Even when it breaks me down, makes me want to never let you leave me again. I'd do anything you asked for. Just please. Let me know you love me back...

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Feels like no matter how hard I try

To be a good person, a good daughter, a good friend... A good girlfriend... I always end up fucking things seriously up...

Friday, December 28, 2012

I'm so scared

I'm scared I'll wake up some day, and he won't be there. Won't be mine anymore.
I'm so fucking scared that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Not nearly.
He's the only thing that makes sense any more.

And I'm so extremely terrified of losing him. I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about it. Every other person I ever loved has left me, or given up on me. Why wouldn't he as well? And it scares me so much that I can't see myself a future with him. Not because I don't want to. But I can't. I can't afford it right now. If I start believing in a life with him, and he walks out on me... I wouldn't be able to take it. It would break my heart into a million tiny pieces. And I'm not quiet sure if anyone would be able to put it back together afterwards. I'm already starting to hope, to dream, and it scares me shit less.
I'm so scared that I'm putting so much more into this relationship than him. That I've misjudged our situation. That he really doesn't love me. Just like me. The comfort of it all. The sex. What if it's not really me?
I'm absolute terrified that he'll some day see me clearly. He'll see how much of an attention seeker I am, how greedy, how selfish, how jealous, how much in need of control I am. How ugly... He wouldn't stay with me, not if he knew the true me. I just don't think so. Terrified.
I'm scared he'll get tired of me. Nothing new ever happens with me. I'm easy to get bored with.
I'm so, so scared that he will some day leave me, feeling nothing but numb, and broken, and worthless. I'm not sure I'd be able to manage. Not with as many suicidal thoughts as I have at the moment.
I'm scared I'm not good enough for him. That he doesn't feel like I care, or listen to him. That I can't help him with his problems, that I'm not there for him when he needs me.

I'm terrified, and in tears. I can't sleep. I'm too scared.

I'm absolutely devoted to him. I'm so much in love, I can't even remember when I last felt something so strong. He made the numbness go away for a while. I'm dependent on him. Stupid as I am, I let myself get caught in the same trap as I did the last time. I need him too fucking much, and every fucking time he lets me down, it hurts me so bad. He's all I care for, though I know I'm not even close to all he cares for.

I'm so scared to lose you baby.
I love you. So, so, so, so very much. You will never understand it.
You will never know. I wish I had the guts to tell you all of this, but I don't. So you'll never know how I really feel. I'll just continue to smile, and savor every single second I have with you, and pretend I don't know that my time with you is borrowed. I'll enjoy what I have, for as long as I have it. Have you.
I love you.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas has officially reached a new low

I'm sitting in my room, all alone, just... Wishing it would all be over. That this would be just another regular evening. I'm so sick of this already. I'm so sick of Christmas in this fucking house with this fucking family. I swear to God, the day I move away from home, I am never having a single Christmas like that ever again. Ever! It's the same every year. We wait until way to late to eat. After dinner, we eat dessert. After desert, we dance around the Christmas tree. After that, we open presents. And after the presents, we go to bed.
Well, I don't want to fucking eat, 'cause it's all just gonna end up in the toilet any way - which my mother know very well. She commented on the toilet not flushing properly after my last purge. I don't want to dance around a fucking tree, holding hands, singing songs. I don't want to spend hours of watching what other people get for Christmas. I - DON'T - FUCKING - CARE! Why doesn't anyone in my family seem to realize this?! 
I want to have a nice Christmas, just me and my boy. Who is Rasmus now, yes, but this is just a general dream. I want to make a light, lovely Christmas dinner together the man I love, and have fun with it. We'll eat, and laugh, and we'll drink too much alcohol, and we'll have a fucking nice time doing it. Then, we'll open presents together. Then there's sex. And at the end of the night, we'll cuddle on the couch, watching some cheesy Christmas movie. And when we go to bed, we will fall asleep in each others arms. That would be the perfect Christmas.

I don't wanna go to sleep alone tonight.

I really wish I could be with you now love. We'd cuddle and tickle each other and laugh, and while everyone around us wastes their time, we're gonna be spending ours together, just the two of us, having a perfect evening. You'd get me a wonderful present, and I'd get you something that would barely be good enough. But you'd still smile, and kiss me, and thank me, and try to convince me that it's the best gift ever. All I want is to be with you. Why can't I be with you?

My life has never felt as sad as it does right now. I have never in my entire life felt so lonely, so depressed, so fucking helpless.
I'm sitting here, in my room, on Christmas eve, alone. Smoking a cigarette, listening to depressing music. Knowing I'm about to eat a bunch of food I don't want, food I won't enjoy, and then go throw it all up again. Nobody's texting me. Nobody's even thinking about me.

I'm sitting here, in my room, on Christmas eve, alone. Crying...

Why do we do this to ourselves loves? Why do we always insist on being miserable, on being depressed and alone. We pull ourselves away from the people who loves us, so that we can run around and say "I'm all alone, it's so hard, feel sorry for me". Why?
Because we don't deserve any better. We don't deserve happiness, so we keep a distance to anything that can make us happy. We don't deserve anyone loving us, so we let go of the people in our lives. We don't deserve fucking shit. But we don't deserve to die either. That's too fucking easy. So we walk around, empty and broken, just fighting to get through day after fucking day. We're nothing but empty shells. We're not dead, physically, yet we feel so dead inside. And no one understands. No one but the people who have tried it themselves, can possibly understand our pain. They can't see it.
We all just want someone to see us.
To save us, while there's still something left to save.

Merry Christmas guys.
I hope you're doing better than me.
No matter what,

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Friday, December 21, 2012

If the world ends today...

I have wasted my entire life, not gotten anything, anything at all, that I wanted to do in life.
I also want you guys to know how much I love you. Seriously, like... So much. It's crazy.

4 eggs, scrambled and with ketchup, and 2 pancakes with syrup, sugar and whipped cream. Wow, what a fat ass.
So, if you need me girls, I'll be spending my last day on earth purging, and then trying to work it off in the gym.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Weekly weigh-in + Pictureeeees :D

CW: 77,1 kg/170,0 lbs (BMI 27,6)
Loss: I'm not even gonna do this
GW3: 73 kg/160,9 lbs (BMI 26,2)
Yes loves, that is abso-FREAKING-lutely right! That is a new lowest weight for me in 4 FUCKING YEARS!!! You guys have NO idea how fucking happy I am right now! It is just INSANE. I have been stuck in the 80's for soooo long, and then suddenly, out of no where, BUM! I just drop and drop and drop. And oh gosh, how I love it!
Since we're at all that ED stuff, I though I'd let you now how it's working out for me eating wise. I have no idea why, but lately, I have absolutely dropped my appetite. I'm not complaining here. Yesterday, I had 1 bun with 1 egg for the entire day. I binged on 3 buns more at, like, 2am, but purged it all. I should never be left alone in the house. It is just too easy for me to binge when everybody is asleep!
I have been sleeping in lately. Like, very much. I woke up at 1.30pm today. With no school, no job, no nothing, it's just too easy. If I can just sleep it all away, I won't feel like such a failure, at least. So. I woke only 3 hours ago, resulting in the fact that it is now 4.30pm, and I have not eaten a damn thing today. And the funny part is, I'm not even hungry. Usually, I get hungry an hour after eating. But the last couple of days... Maybe it's my weight loss success that messes up my brain, but I'm just not hungry. I can't really explain it any more than that.

Oh, and girlies, here it is! A picture of my tattoooooooooo <3

I LOVE it. I don't know if you can tell - I sure can - but the writing is different in all three words. I had my sister write the top word, Mie, my best friend WHO BOUGHT ME THIS TATTOO FOR CHRISTMAS, write the middle word, and Rasmus, my boyfriend, write the bottom word. And I know what you're thinking; "you're gonna regret that if you break up". WRONG. The point of this tattoo is, it's real, it's authentic. Even if we break up, I will always know that he did really love me when he wrote down that word. Us breaking up won't make that any less true, any more meaningful. He'll always be a part of my life now, broken up or together. And that's what tattoos does, isn't it? They take a special, fleeting moment in life, and they make sure you'll never forget it. It's perfect just the way it is, and I love it. So don't you dare say I'm gonna regret it!

And, just because I'm in a sharing kind of mood, here is a picture of me and Rasmus. I realized you guys had no idea what he looked like! Wait - did I ever post a picture of Nicolaj? Oh well, too late. They're all gone by now. But here we are, me and my honey <3

I guess you can figure out for yourself who is who? :P

I don't know why, but I am in an EXCELLENT mood today. I have cleaned my room, I have wrapped up all me presents, I am listening to the words of the fabulous Luke Bryan, and tomorrow, I'm back on the pill, and I'm gonna have fantastic, crazy, rough, mind-blowing sex! (Sorry Michelle - men du er selv ude om det!). And yes, that was Danish. A friend of mine is reading my blog, and I thought I'd give her a shout out. Could it get any better? I think not.
Oh, and here is a picture of me and Mie. Just because I want you to see her as well <3

And me with my BEAUTIFUL baby sis <3 who is 14, and a lot taller than me, yes...

And me and my beloved doggy. I miss you so much <333

And by now, I figure you've had enough of me. So I'm gonna leave you for now, BUT, with the promise that I will be back soon. Before Christmas, I promise. Before the 21st actually, 'cause if the world ends, I want you guys to know that I sent you all one last thought ;)

So for now girls,
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella