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Saturday, April 23, 2011

I feel good

I feel happy. I've gotten so used to eating now, it doesn't bother me anymore. This ought to upset me, and I should be devastated. I should stop it! But it just makes me so happy, not having to feel that painful emptiness, country calories all the time. of course, I know this has to stop. And Tuesday, when I return to school after the holidays, I will  stop it. But the last 2½ days... I'm to happy to stop!

So, now I'm finally in a good mood, I though I ought to write something in here.
I've been making a weekly plan, for better control. Goes something like this:

Mondays: 400 calories, 1 hour in gym
Tuesdays: 300 calories
Wednesdays: 500 calories, 1 hour in gym
Thursdays: 200 calories
Fridays: 500 calories, 1 hour in gym
Saturdays: 400 calories
Sundays: 300 calories

And of course all the usual stuff I do everyday, like the sit-ups and such :)
This is good. That, I'll be able to follow. I'm going to look... Better. Not good. Better for the summer. Bikini. Yikes *scared*


My boyfriend's gone. Out of the country. Third day today. He comes home tomorrow night.
Think I ought to make something out of myeslf. We're going to a party together, he'll just meet me there (he's coming straight from the airport :P).
Like, being real sexy? Just one problem. I'm too huge for sexy. For even pretty. Maybe I can be prettier than I am now. Which is, none at all. Lol. Doesn't sounds like I'm happy, but I am :)

Gotta go girls. My grandma and my aunt is coming in less than 30 minuets, so I need to get ready. Sorry for the short post. I was so planing on writing a looong one, but I totally forgot they were coming. Sorry!
Hey, maybe I'll update it later? Let's see about that.

 Stay strong
Think thin
Be beautiful
- Bella

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I wish I was a Sims character...

Playin' Sims 2. Making a huge family of teenage-girls and moms. Making them all thin and beautiful, with long golden hair, light pink make-up, tight clothes showing their non-existing bellies.
I wish I was a Sims character. So I could make myself thin, and pretty. And happy...


My life at the moment:
Still binging. Been doing that for more than a week. I know I can stop. I just don't want to.
Skinny! That's what I want to!
I'm going to stop this fucked up mess now. I won't gain anymore.
I'm going to be beautiful.

In a dark mood. Sorry for not posting.
Constant binges just doesn't make you feel very Ana-ish.
Sorry for that. I'm a failure.
But I'm on the right track now. Just now. Sorry girls, I'll improve <3

Feelin' better now. After writing all this crap.
I'll post again tomorrow, and I'll have good news!
For now on girls, be strong. Be... Well, not like me.
I love you guys :)
Stay positive! That's the most important thing!
- Bella

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I'm such a pig :(

Hello lovelies, sorry it's been so long! I honestly did not have any time for like, a week. It's been crazy.
I'm on day 4 of my binge. God, I suck. It's over now. Writing in here always, like, marks when some crazy shit stops. Now, I'm getting myself together :)
Honestly, it hasn't been that bad. Yesterday was bad. But the other days... Maybe 1000-1500 a day? Less than normal people, for sure. But yesterday... Don't want to think about it.
My breakfast today, alone, got me between 700 and 800. So that's it for today. I'm doing a fast. Again. 36 hours without food. To cleanse out my body for all the food I've eaten the last couple of days. I would have said 48, but I get so grumpy when I fast, and I only have 3 days left with my boyfriend before he leaves for Budapest, and I don't want to be all grumpy and mad around him 2 out of those 3 days. So, 36 hours liquid-fast, starting NOW!


How have you been doing, lovelies? I swear, I've thought of Blogger 6 times an hour for the last 4 o 5 days! I've missed it. It feels so good to update :)




Just found that picture ^
I think I'll put it on my phone, background!. And computer. And maybe I should print it out, and keep in my wallet. So every time I take it out to buy something fat and sweet, my eyes will catch that little picture. Oh yeah, I'm so doing that!


Went to Copenhagen this Friday, finally got some shopping done. Got 1 new T-shirt, 1 new top, and 1 new bra + matching string. The boyfriend helped me picked. He loved it! Haha :)
If it hadn't been for the milkshake, that day would have been perfect. I love shopping, but I don't g out to do so much, 'cause the train-tickets are so expensive. Bah :/


So... Don't really know what to say. I've failed, so I can't write something inspiring and funny. I feel sad. And fat. But I always feels fat, so that doesn't count. Guess I'll just go read all you guys blogs again. Hopefully, that'll get me in a better mood.



Stay strong, all you wonderful girls out there.
You mean so much to me :)
- Bella ♥

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The sky is crying

I know how it feels...

So, how DO I feel?

I just don't know.
At some points, I'm happier than I should be. And sometimes, I'm sadder than I should. But I'm never just somewhere in between, my feelings never makes sense!

I get to bring my boyfriend on my vacation! I'm so excited! 2 weeks in Bulgaria, just me and the people I love. My mom already arranged it and everything.
So now, I should be really, really glad. But the first thought to go through my head was: "You better loose some weight - a LOT of weight - before Bulgaria! Do you wish to embarrass him?". No. No I don't. I'm going to practically LIVE in a bikini down there, and though I can't reach that gorgeous-stage before that, I can be way better than I am now. So from now on and until we leave (9th of July) I'll constantly be working out, counting calories, dieting hardcore. Which is good. He gives me the motivation I need.

ABC day 1 yesterday. I only had 3 apples, medium size (162 calories) and 6 rice crackers (156 calories), so I didn't use up all of my calories for the day. No one said I had to. I don't know what I'll do today. Diet sodas are a must. Maybe I'll just buy some more rice crackers? Ate my last ones yesterday. Dunno. I ought to plan it now, so I don't binge. But I just can't be concerned about it. I will not binge. I need to be thinner for Bulgaria.

Weighed myself yesterday. It was real bad, but of course, I have to write it here anyway. I actually weighed four times yesterday, after the morning. I promised I wouldn't. I just forgot. At least I didn't step on the scale this morning.
Monday morning, I weighed a massive 83,6 kg/184,6 lbs. I suck.



---

I actually began writing this at home. But I was pretty late, so I just shoved the laptop into my bag and ran. So if there's any change in my mood that I can track, forgive me. I'm too lazy in the morning xD

Just bought a six-pack of diet sodas. No coke, but some sporty one. Cheap. Delicious. Yum.
I honestly don't know how I'd get through the day if I couldn't drink my beloved diet sodas. I would binge even more. And that tells a lot.
They just saves my life! Whenever I crave something sweet, when I feel dizzy, or when I just feel like it, I drink one. And then I always gets better. Thank you, diet soda, for saving my life! <3


So, girls, I'll leave you now. Need to pay attention in class.
Stay strong, you beautiful girls
I love you!
- Bella

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sunday ._.

I'm so sorry, I completly forgot to tell you guys I were going away for the weekend. I was on a trip with the scouts. We walked a lot, so that's real good. But I ate more today, when I came home, than I should have. So I'll say I'm even.
Begining ABC tomorrow. I'm maybe doing it with my friend Mie, but she can't really decide if she wants to. She's started being all healthy, eating normal and exercising and all. It's kinda sad, though I'm glad for her. But  it was nice having an Ana-buddy around all the time. I still love her, though :)

I'm going to weigh  myself tomorrow (and it can't be good. I've been too much of an idiot this week), and then I wont do it again until Friday. I've tried ABC before, and I know it's hard as hell. But I can do it. I can I can I can!
I also need to have, like, a pen and some small piece of paper all the time, so I can write down everything I eat and when, and then add it to a food journal when I get home.




On another page,  I've gotten sunburned. And it's only the beginning of April. Fml.
It's not even like it's really hot. It's actually really windy, too windy for just a T-shirt, unless you're out of the wind. But my sensitive cheeks and my sensitive nose has gotten sunburned. Like, a lot. But my arms, who's also been out? Nothing. I hate my skin. It's very annoying, very weird ._.

I'm watching Made Weekend Break on MTV. I love that show! I just love the idea of how you can change your whole life in such a short amount of time. I would love a Made coach who could force me into getting thin. Why isn't it as easy as that?

I've been in a real bad mood the whole weekend. Sorry I can't be more positive girls. Guess I just need to get started. That's what I'm doing tomorrow. A new week, a new diet, a new start. Except it's not a start. Just a way to get my fat ass back on track. But besides that! Lol :)




Guess I ought to do my homework. Got a science-report for tomorrow. I have no idea what I'm supposed to write :/
Gah! Next school-year, I have to listen in on the classes, do my homework on time, all those kind of things. I''ve reached the part where I'm supposed to be serious. I need to get better.

So girls, I'm gonna go now.
Hope you've had an awesome weekend.
Think thin!
- Bella

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Versatile Blogger

So, Elle from Working On It has nominated me for the Versatile blogger award.
I'm very honored! This is the first time something like that has happened to me :D
Okay, so it goes like this:


The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.





1. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU ELLE! Again :)


2.
  •  I live in a very small country in Scandinavia, Europe. We are very different from America in a lot of ways. Our taxes are huge (more than 50%), but we don't have to pay anything for going to school, the hospital/the doctor, and until we're 18, the dentist neither. There are tons of other things, but I honestly can't write all of them here. That would just take forever. You should google it. Honestly, we're worth the time! :)
  •  I have the worlds best boyfriend. We've been together since June 10th 2008. He's is everything to me, and he is more important than anything, even becoming thin. I would give my life for him without thinking about it for a second! He's very bad for me in a lot of ways, but I'd say the good stuff weighs up the bad.
  • This is going to fuck you up real good: I'm almost 17 years old, and I'm in 1.g on K√łge Gymnasium. Yes, fucked. But our schools are different, too. We go to kindergarten for 3 years, between the age of 2 or 3 - 5 or 6. Then, we spend at least 10 years in a public school. After that, some choose an education as contractors and so, some take another year in the public school, or some go the Gymnasiums. There are 3 different kinds of gymnasiums, and under those, there are 2 different kinds of getting educated too. We are a very fucked up nation, I know. Btw, I suck in school. To lazy, not focused enough. They'll probably kick me out before I'm done :/
  • I'm obsessed with the Sookie Stackhouse novels. I just got the 10th yesterday after school, and I read 'till 3:36, though I had to go to school today. I've always been a girls for supernatural stories (Harry potter first, then Twilight, now this). I like how Charlaine Harris doesn't make it all seem so sweet and innocent. The Sookie Stackhouse novels contains so many scenes filled with sex, violence, actually loosing the people you love in battles, dramas, being split between several guys, and all those things that we all know are a part of the real world.
  • Hips and thighs are what inspires me the very most, since those are what I long for the most, what I wish the most that I could change about my body. Collarbones, too, inspires me a lot.
  • I've always had a talent for writing. Poems, short stories, essays, everything. I've always been good at it, which have helped me a lot in school. It would be an absolute dream for me if I could ever get a book published, and I have decided that this dream is going to find place before I die. I just won't die before I have a book on the shelfs!
  • I'm addicted to sparkling drinks. Energy drinks and light soda's at the most, but honestly anything satisfies me. I need it, I crave it constantly. I drink at least 1l. a day, every single fucking day. I don't know what it is about the sparkles that I need so much. But I do. And I love it. I can't give that up, ever!
3. In no particular order, of course:
Joana from Pro Ana: My Struggles with and Acceptance of Ana (http://acceptingana.blogspot.com)
Kia from The Loosing Cycle (http://kianervosasworld.blogspot.com/) My fellow Dane :)
Molly from Skin, Bones and Ana (http://annaxoskinnyxo.blogspot.com/) The first Pro Ana blog I followed.
Thin_Envy from Thin, Love & Other Sacrifices (http://thinloveandothersacrifices.blogspot.com)
Elle from Working on it (http://elle-usivedream.blogspot.com/) Who also nominated me.
Olivia Lee from Count My Bones (http://countmybones.blogspot.com/)
Starving Artist from Crazy is better when we're crazy together (http://imwithana.blogspot.com/)
Annie from Encounters with Ana (http://encounterswithanaproana.blogspot.com/)
Unknown from Fighting To Be Me (http://tryingtoact.blogspot.com/)
Bella from Long Way To Skinny (http://bellawillbethin.blogspot.com/)

4. I will do that as soon as I finish posting :)


With that done, I have to admit. I'm a terrible, weak, stupid person. But I will get better. I promise.
I'm not going to write anymore today, since there's probably more than enough to read already.

Stay strong, all you beautiful strong girls out there!
I appreciate y'all more than I can ever say :)
- Bella  

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sometimes you just need to think

I've done well today. I think.
4 rice crackers. 104 calories.
1 granola bar. About 100 calories.

Wish I hadn't had that granola bar. But I were so ready for a binge, I didn't think about it. And then, right after munching that bar, ready to go for more, I stopped. And thought. Just thought about it. I didn't need to eat. So I didn't. What a feeling!
Joining "Unknown" from Fighting To Be Me on a liquid fast tomorrow, fruit Thursday, fruit and veggies Friday and the rest of the weekend. Anyone else up for it?






Slept at the boyfriends yesterday. I hate being there on school mornings. Seriously, his brother were in the bathroom so long, I didn't have time to do anything! I couldn't pee, I couldn't brush me teeth or use the mirror, and I couldn't use their scale. So I have no idea how I'm doing. But I guess that's a good thing.
I have to stop weighing in so often. I decided to have my weigh-ins at Mondays, but I still use the weight every morning. And afternoon. And sometimes evenings too.
I'm obsessed.
I hate it.

Searched the webs for low calorie fat free brownies. Found 3 recipes I have to concider. And whatever I choose, I'll try making them next week. I cross my fingers. I'm such a sucker for sugar. Cake, chocolate, candy, whatever. Oh, and crisps, but there isn't any sugar in that, of course xD





Well, that's all for today.
Stay strong pretties. Think thin!
- Bella

Monday, April 4, 2011

Well, I suck.

That was fast. Very fast.
Failed a bit on my second day of ABC. And failed a LOT on my third. Had a huge fight with my boyfriend, and I ended up stuffing my face, while cutting my hand. Today, I've ad to pieces of deep pan pizza. With meat! I swear to god, I didn't even think about it. Today I feel sick. Very sick. Good. I feel so bad! I haven't eaten meat in a long time. I'm so dissapointed in myself.
Tomorrow I'm going to fast. The day after that - I don't know. Fast again, or very little food. Depends on the excersice. I can't excersice a lot, if I haven't eaten anything at all. I'll go to the gym tomorrow though. And wednesday. Gosh, I hate myself!

I honestly have no idea what to tell you girls. In 1 day, I put on all the weight I'd lost in 3. Now it's gonna be 3 more days, before I can continue from where I was. I have to loose 8 kg/17,6 lbs before May. I will be 75 kg/165,3 lbs before my birthday! I'll be 17 at May 27th :)


I've realized a reason I have a hard time reaching my goals. I never reward myself for reaching them. So I'm going to make a list with both goals and rewards. I have no idea what it'll be yet, but I promise I'll write it here as soon as I have :)

Skpped school today. I onestly didn't really felt like it. Just hanging out with the boyfriend instead, listening to music. Trying to do some homework. Sigh.
I reaaaally don't like school. It just takes so much time away from me. Time that I could spend way better. Pretty much anything would be better. I can't wait 'till I'm fully educated, and have a job. Done with all those stupid classes that I'll never use for anything anyway. Just me, and a job I enjoy. Dunno what that'll be yet, either. Gosh, I suck at planing :o


So, that's pretty much it for today, I guess.
Think thin, ladies.
Stay strong!
- Bella

Saturday, April 2, 2011

And I'm like... Argh!

Hey lovelies.
I know it's been a while. 1 month and 4 days, if I counted it correctly.
First, I would like to apologies. I have no good reason for being so weak, and no good reasons for bailing on you girls!


There's just not a nice way to say this... Truth is, I broken my SGD-diet on day one. So I figured I would wait a day or two, 'till I had something nice to write about. That just never happend.
After a week, I was ready to write again, so I sat down in front of my computer (NOT a laptop!), I turned on the screen, it lightend up for two seconds, and then... Shut down. Died. Completely! ARGH!!!!
It still hasn't been fixed, almost a month later. I just can't afford a new one :(
So I've gotten my old, stinking, crappy laptop set up in our office-room-thingy now. I should be able to write a couple of times a week.


I'm so very, very sorry for letting all of you beautiful girls down.
I'd like to specially apologies to KianaKat, who commented on my last entry, and asked if I wanted to be Ana buddies. Of course! I would love that! I'm so, so, so sorry I didn't saw it! I really hope you read this shit :(
And of course, to all of you who stuck to the SGD-diet, while I was so pathetically weak! I swear to god, I'll never let you girls down again!




So, I'm back, both on here and on track, and I started the ABC-diet yesterday. I've done it before, I know it's hard, but I have to do it. I just have to. And so far, I'm doing well. There's one positive thing.
Another one is, that though the last month has been like a roller coaster ride, I started the ABC weighing exactly the same as I did, last I updated in here. That's nice.


I'll never forgive myself for the last months absence in here. All I can do is hope that you girls forgive me. Eventually.
A lot of things has happened. But nothing important. Nothing about me. I'm just the same as I was the last time I wrote in here. Gosh, I'm just so, so sorry girls! :'(


I have no idea what to tell you. I've read all the blogs I follow, though not commented anything. Forgive me for that, but I'm so bad at writing comments. But believe me, I've read it. I haven't done anything else all day. I've missed all this so much. I never realized how much it meant for me, how hard it is to go without it. I wasn't able to eat right more than 5 days in a month! And even that was bad. I'll never have to bother with that again. I promise I'll never be that weak again. I'm so sorry ("yeah, we get the point, thank you ._."). I'll never be able to say it enough times!



So, I guess that's it for today. I promise, promise, promise I'll write tomorrow! And monday. The whole next weak, I promise!


Stay strong lovelies!
I hope you can all forgive me.
- Bella