Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Weekly weigh-in + Those days where I really hate myself...

CW: 79,0 kg/174,1 lbs (BMI 28,3)
Loss: 1,1 kg/2,5 l
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
I know I should be pleased by that. But I was so hoping it would be lower. It was yesterday. I'm so disappointed in myself. I ate badbadbad yesterday, even though I knew today was weigh-in! I always do that! I hate it! I hate myself. I'm such a big fat pig. Stupid. Stupidstupidstupid!
And of course I continued today. I ate 735 calories just for breakfast, and I didn't - fucking - purge. Argh! Why didn't I purge?! So what if I had class. I don't give shit about that. I could have said I needed to go to the toilet. Desperately. I could have ignored my teacher. I could have fucking not stuffed my face like a starving African child, when in reality, I'm a fat, stupid, lame Dane.
I cannot eat another bite for the rest of the day. My sisters confirmation is tomorrow, so I will eat lame. There's both breakfast with the grandparents, and the family dinner/party at night. Birthday parties Friday and Saturday. There will be snacks. And alcohol. Both is bad, and somehow, the snacks always seems to come down along with the alcohol. Fatfatfatfatfat. I need to do good today. I must be as light as possible by tomorrow. What if the dress wont fit? What if my ever non-shrinking body has decided to hate me, and feels like being bloated and acting like crap all day tomorrow? I just know it will. It always does. I hate my body. And I hate myself. Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat.
Doctor appointment later on today. Today, I'll finally get told whether we can start some treatment of my depression while waiting for the psychiatric appointment or not. My doctor called them, the psychiatries, the experts. If they say go, I'll get put on some pills, and I'll be watched very carefully, both by my doctor and my family, so I wont end up killing myself during the first month (side effects). If they said no, I'll just have to wait 4-5 months, until they have resources for me at the psychiatric, and I'll have to live with the weekly doctor visits.
I'm so nervous. So very, very, very nervous. What if I don't get any help? I'll break down. Put what I have to take those stupid pills? I'll break down too. Seems like nothing is really going to help. I'll be crying tonight no matter what, I can guarantee you that. And if Nicolaj and I don't work something out, and I'll be alone, I'll cut my every piece of skin to pieces. I sure would like to do that just now. But I'm in school. And Mie, my best friend, will be there when I get home...
How can I be so massive, and still feel so fragile?
How can I be so strong, and still feel so weak?
How can I be so fat, and still feel so... Well. Fat. I ran out of words.

I just want to... I don't know. Cry. Cut. Lose weight. Starve. Eat. Drink. Smoke. Be happy. Break down. Run away. Give up. Disappear. Die...

I can't even face tomorrow any more. I can't even face the current day. I live day by day, not running, not walking, but crawling across the events of my life. When I go to bed, I close my eyes and pray that I never wake up. All I seem to care about is hurting myself. I cut, I starve, I binge and purge, I smoke, I thirst. All just ways to slowly kill yourself. It's like a suicide they'll never know about.
I keep thinking about it. Dieing. What would it be like? How would I do it? Would it hurt? Would it burn me up from the inside out? Would I, with my last breath, remember all the reasons to live, and regret in the same second as I pass? Or would it be peaceful? Finally, I can sleep. Forever.
This sounds so serious. Does it help if I say that it's only during my breakdowns I feel like this?

I want to start crying. Sobbing. But I don't seem to remember how any more. The tears never really come. Besides, I'm sitting in the middle of a classroom full of students. And two teachers. What wouldn't they think?

I don't deserve shit. I don't deserve tears, I don't deserve feelings, I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love. I don't deserve my few friends, I don't deserve Nicolaj, and I most certainly do not deserve you.
This is all way too good for me. You're way too good for me.
Dump me. Leave me. Get the fuck out of here, before I fuck you up too badly.
I am shit.
No. Not even that.
I'm less that shit.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Monday, May 14, 2012

Gym date, new hair and abstinence

So, to start of in a totally eating disordered way:
Yesterday I ate: 1 bowl of cornflakes with sugar (purged), 2 toasts with ham, cheese and ketchup (purged), 1 pita döner kebab (purged), 1 cup chocolate pudding (purged), 1 roll of Oreo-wannabe cookies (purged) and 1 bag of pop-corn (purged). So yeah. That sucks.
I was at the gym yesterday - my first gym date. I don't know how much I burned. About 400 would be my guess.
They gym was actually a lot nicer than I remember. I mean, my muscles have gotten very, very weak since I last went, so my body is aching all over, but I was with friends, and we actually had fun. Of course, I was by myself around half the time, since I'm training with guys - there were 4 of them, and I'd only expected 2! They nearly killed me... - and they don't care much about cardio or leg muscles. But when I was with them, we had fun. We laughed of the weakest one, the youngest one, the most feminine one. And no, that wasn't even me, lol.

I must admit, I have been on the scale for the past two days. I had to. And I was somewhat pleased with the number. Let's say it like this: if I weigh the same or less by tomorrow, for my weekly-weigh in, that will be a fantastic process made in one week! Even thinking about last week's weigh-in was made on the first day of my period (bloatbloatbloat).
I actually didn't even put on from yesterday, despite all the crap I ate. And I must admit, the 5th time and more than you purge on a day, you do it half-heartedly, thinking "every single calorie count". It must be the way I ruined my body yesterday I can thank for not having put on.

I don't know if you've mentioned it, but so far, my abstinence this year have been 0,00%. Well, no more. Damn it to hell if I didn't wake up late because my phone had fucked me up when setting the alarm Sunday evening. I seriously broke down crying, thinking about my 0,00% abstinence gone. Crying. My doctor told me it's and OCD, so maybe it's a good thing I got confronted with it, seeing that I didn't die from getting a bit abstinence. But I was so hoping I could make it the last 2 weeks of school. Dammit!

And then for the last mysterious part of my post title. My new hair!
Sunday, I got a haircut, changing my bangs especially. And yesterday, since I had all day at home anyway, I decided to dye it. I had to for my sisters confirmation - a tradition in the Scandinavian Lutheran protestant church. I don't know if Lutherans in the U.S. or anywhere else in the world has them. I juts know we do. It's pretty much like a Bar Mitzvah. It takes place in a church, where you say the Lord's Prayer and the Creed. That way, they confirm what has been giving them in the baptism, and get confirmed by the priest in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy spirit. Amen. After that, there's normally a huge party, where the person holding the confirmation is given tons of expensive gifts and lots of money. We don't celebrate sweet 16 here either, so you get the best gifts of your life at your confirmation.
Anyway. I needed to dye my hair because the dress I'm wearing for the party is the color of smoked salmon, and my dad would freak if I showed up with that and red hair. He's even forcing me to take out my nose ring that day, saying it wasn't part of our original deal, but when had I ever cared about that, and yadda-yadda-yadda. And since I'm still beneath 18 by then (Turning 18 on the 27th of May, my sisters confirmation being the 17th of May - Thursday) I have to do as he says, according to the law.
I don't have a good picture of my hair, so I'm gonna wait and upload one from the confirmation or so. I also got some new extensions (my old ones being 31 year old and black), but I have to dye them the same color as my hair. I ordered them blond, so I could dye them any color I wanted to.

I'm also invited to a 21th birthday Friday. We're going to play paint ball! Awesomeness!
Seriously, I can't wait! I've never tried it before, but it always looks like so much fun!
It begins at 11am, so I have to leave by 10am in order to make it with the public transport. This means I have to get up around 9am. The day after my sisters confirmation. Where there will be drinking, and dancing, and joking until 2am or so. So, 7 hours of sleep, hangover, playing paint ball, drinking again after that. Plus I'm invited to a party Saturday too.
Normally, I'm never invited to parties. But this weekend, with my sisters confirmation, I'm invited to 4! I have to turn one down for fuck's sake! My head is gonna be done by the time I have to get up for the last party. I'm gonna be plain dead. I don't have the money for that much alcohol? I need to buy more cigarettes soon, and I don't even have enough to pay for that!
I hate not having a job. I hate hate hate hate hate it! Please, someone, hire me! Anyone?

I swear girls, my butt is killing me! It's crazily sore!

And now the conversation has turned to me rear. I think I better end this thing, before I say something deeply disturbing. Seriously. Plus, I think it's time for my break! Cigarette <3

I love you girls. So, so, so, so, so much!
Thanks for all the wonderful comments you left me.
But honestly, I don't deserve them.
I suck so much at giving them myself.
Don't waste your time on a girl who isn't going to return it.
You're better than that.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Friday, May 11, 2012

Finally fucking friday!

I know, I know, I swear too much. But seriously girls, this week has been hell on earth. It's crazy. Every single night have I gotten too little sleep, and every single day, I have been working my butt of in school. Biology report, preparations for exams, and worst of all, this years common study preparation years test (to translate directly. I don't know what the fuck it's called in English). We have to write a whole report about a specific subject - new themes each time - using two subjects. We do this 5 times a year, and the last time every year, it's also a test/trial exam. So both last year and this year, I actually have to work my butt of and worry about this thing, in the middle of my exam period, in order to go in, get a grade, and then that's it. It doesn't mean anything. If a get a shitty grade, it won't affect anything. Why we do this? So we can be prepared for the real exam on our third year. Bullshit.
Sorry, I just needed to get some of my frustrations from school out.

I haven't weighed in since Wednesday. I'm actually kind of proud.
All I had yesterday were a salad for lunch, a motherfucking huge apple, two wheat buns, and a quarter pack of Digestive. I shouldn't have eaten the Digestive, but I was just so hungry for something gross and sugar-filled. Believe it or not, but they were the healthy choice. And I didn't eat that many. Writing it like this, it seems like a lot. But usually, I eat way more than that. Like, that would be what I ate just while in school. Then more would be waiting for me at home. So not bad at all.
Today, I've had 406 calories (35 g. cereal - 121, 2 dl 0,1% milk - 76, one motherfucker apple - 77, toast bread - 92, butter on that -29, ham on top of that - 11) . Me! And I don't feel hungry at all. It's 5 p.m. in Denmark as I write these words, I've had 406 calories, and I'm not hungry. At all. In fact, I'll even try and see if I can get out of dinner too. *Break for 5 minutes*. Just told my mom. She's fine with it. Or, not fine. But she doesn't give me any crap for it.

I don't know if I'll make it through the weekend without weighing. But at the same time, I think it's causing me to eat less, not knowing what I weigh. Cause the fear of putting on is just so big, and I really, really don't want that.
Weekends are my bad days. That's why I put the official weigh-in on Wednesday. So I can get a fair result. Everyone's got bad weekends, but for most of you girls, a bad weekend means a day of 800 and a day of 900 calories or so. To me, a bad weekend means 3000+ calories both days. How can I even have an eating disorder when eating so much? I'm so disgusted by saying this out loud. Or... Writing it down. Potato tomato. But seriously, how gross is that?
At times like this, I get the feeling like I never want to eat, ever again. I have been doing a tiny bit better on restricting recently, and I'm really hoping it'll stick with me. So much.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have a friend of mine over. I actually talked about her once, a very long time ago. She suffered from anorexia for two years, but recovered 4 years ago. At her lowest, she weighed only 27 kg/59,2 lbs. At age 14. I didn't really believe her when she told me, but I've seen some pictures of her, read some stuff on the Internet about girls getting to ridiculously low weights, and I actually think it's true. Whenever I'm around her, I try to find excuses to talk about it. I'm obsessed with it. I always ask her how the fuck she managed to get that far, how she'd hide it, what excuses she'd use. I feel like a small pro-ana teen around her. We've all done it, I know it. God how pathetic I was, searching for tips on how to get an eating disorder back then. But that's the thing with Ana. Once she's in, she'll never really go away. Though with me, it's more like she's wrestling Mia, and Mia is winning right now. Anyway, back to my friend.
So, she'd praticaly fast for 2 weeks, and purge if she ate anything, even the slightest, keeping herself going on the sugar from regular soda. Then every second weekend, she'd have a massive binge, purge, and then repeat.
There'll probably be crisps, and sweets, and chocolate tomorrow night. She's almost fully recovered, hardly thinking about Ana anymore, and never letting her take over again. So she will be eating this stuff, and I'm so scared I'll be weak, oh so weak, and eat along with her. What do I do lovelies? :(

Sorry the post got so long. Again. I was just taken over by thoughts all of a sudden.
I really should rather just post more often, but smaller posts each time, don't you think?
I don't know...

I'm going to end it now.
Until next time loves,

Stay strong, thin think, be beautiful!
- Bella

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Weekly weigh-in + Psychiatric department news

CW: 80,1 kg/176,6 lbs (BMI 28,7)
Loss: +0,2 kg/0,5 lb (in 3 weeks)
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

So. Not pleased about the weight. I was sort of hoping for it to stay below 80 kg/176,4 lbs, but then again, it's so little it's over, and it's possibly just a period gain.
The downside to having my period is, that I tend to eat a lot. Not because I'm craving more than I regularly do, but because I feel so bad if my stomach is empty and I have cramps at the same time. Therefore, I'm not pleased about today either. It's been pretty bad. I only purge twice. And I didn't get any of the fries up I ate. Those are gigantic fat and calorie bombs. So I will for sure have gained by tomorrow.
I have decided I'm going to try and not step on the scale more than once a week. I've tried it before, but I just kept putting on, because I didn't see the number go up when it was starting to go bad. By now though, I know my body so well, I can tell without a scale if I have gained or not with a, like, 98% accuracy. So maybe this time, it'll work out for me? I don't know. We'll see about that.

When I got home from scouts yesterday, there was a letter waiting for me from the youth psychiatric department. I've been called in for an interview on 25th of June. Great, you think. Wrong. At that time, I will be over 18, and therefore, I will no longer belong in the youth department. They therefore have to send me on the regular one after the interview, which has about 3 months additional waiting list. So basically, I'm screwed. 4½ months of waiting, I can't do that. I'll chicken out before it even gets to that point. I'll regret it, and I'll have enough time that I can just pull myself right back out of it.
The doctor says he'll call the psychiatric department and ask if he can start some treatment for me depression. Medication, of course. If they say go, which I'll find out in a week exactly, I'll get put on the anti-depressants, and we'll watch out how that works real good. The side effects are pretty serious, so they want me to call in twice a week, on top of the weekly meeting with them, to track how it's going.
I don't know.
Yes, I want to pills.
No, I don't want any more than that.
I guess I just wish to stay miserable, and at the same time, I want to stop being so damn sad all the time.
I deserve it, though.
Maybe that's why.

Receiving that letter, addressed to both me and my parents, meant I had to tell me dad though.
He took it very well. Too well. He barely responded to the fact that I suffer from an eating disorder, and a depression bad enough to be medicated. He knew I was cutting though. My mom told him that when he found the letter.
He just talked about as if I had told him I was suffering from a fever, or constipation or something. Something simple. Something that would go away again soon. Like it wasn't a real problem. Like it wasn't something important...
I don't know. We had a nice talk, thinking about who it was with. No one got mad, no one cried, no one yelled. That's what I put into a nice talk with my dad. He just told me hopped I wouldn't get medicated, since he's tried it himself. And then he told me he wish I'd stop smoking. It's a bad habit. And throwing up your food and breaking open your own skin isn't...

On a whole 'nother page. A friend of mine is starting at my gym, and he's asked if I want to start going with him. I told him yes, very much! I actually talked to my parents about gym last night, and we decided I used it too little for it to be worth it. But I told them to hold off for a month, so I can see if I'll go more with my friend. I'm thinking if we make a deal about going together, I'm going to have to hold it. So hopefully, I'll see some changes in my body soon. I always get really toned the first month, and then it stops. The minute I cut the exercise, the tone goes. Well, then I'll just have to keep it up this time!
I used to enjoy going to the gym. Very much, actually. It was a productive break from the hell I was - am - living in. But then a holiday came in the way, and I never really returned since then. I hope I'll enjoy it just as much with my friend as I used to. That would sure get me going.

Loves, I'm afraid that's all I've got for today. My creativity just doesn't go that far.
I'm trying to get back into my old blogging habits, when it was almost hard for me not to blog too much.
So watch out, 'cause there'll probably be a new post real soon :)

I love you girls. Really. You keep me alive.
You are the wind beneath my broken wings <3

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
 - Bella

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Has it really been that long? Time flies!

I swear lovelies, I had no idea it had been so long since I last updated. I totally forgot about it, about everything. So much is going on right now, and it's driving me crazy. Insane! More than I were before, yes.
I even missed a weekly weigh-in! I didn't even think about that, I swear!

First of, I saw my doctor again last Wednesday. They hadn't gotten an answer from the psychiatric youth department yet, but law permits them only 2 weeks, so by Thursday, I should get an answer, since it has then been 2 weeks since my doctor sent the request.
I told him I found the place where my mother hides our dangerous pain killers, those you die from taking too many off. He told me I should probably tell her that, so she could hide them from me somewhere else. I promised I would, but I didn't. I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to do that. It's reassuring, knowing they're there. They're available.
Anyway. He also told me that there might be a waiting list, and that if it were too long, we'd start treatment with the doctor instead. He'd prefer to have the experts decide what to do, but as he says, I can't wait for months, feeling as bad as I do. I almost told him it's been like this for a year, that a few more months probably wouldn't hurt me. But then again, I really, really want those pills, so I can stop feeling so damn sad all the time. I don't care if I get addicted to them. It's better than being addicted to this sadness, to this pain. It's better than this.

I have to go again tomorrow. I'll go, and he'll tell me they haven't answered, and we'll talk about my cutting, depression and eating disorder for the past week. And then I'll get an appointment next week, and by then, they should have the answer, according to the law. Yippee.

Weighed in positive this morning, but I'm getting my period today, so I don't think it'll last for tomorrow. Just remember, whatever I weigh in at tomorrow, you probably have to count in at least 1 kg/2,2 lbs as bloating-gain.
Eaten 375 calories so far (2 cookies - I hate when my classmates have birthdays, and 1 chicken-and-bacon burger on rough bread). I don't think I'll be able to keep it at that, but I have a dentist appointment today, and scouts tonight, so I can't get too much more in. The burger was very small, but after the cookies, I needed something, or I'd go of in a sugar craving and binge on 2000+ calories.
Cross your fingers for me that I'll finally make a day without having to purge loves. It would be so huge to me.

Currently, I'm in school, having religion. We're having about Islam at them moment, and that always makes me think about my Sammywhammy. About her life, and family. About the rules, the norms. How can you be so different, and yet so perfectly like all of us?
And then I go on to all of you. Where are you? What are you doing at the minute? How was you day? How do you keep motivated, strong, beautiful, when I cannot?
Are you listening?
Are you thinking about me...?

When did the world lose it's colors? When did the stars stop shinning, when did the food turn to poison, friends to snakes, happiness to hopelessness? When did the world die, leaving us with nothing but ash, and cold, and broken dreams? Where did the world I grew up in go?
When did the world become so fucking depressed...

I can't remember the last time I cried girls.
I almost did it this morning, but after two tears and three sobs, it went away.
No matter how sad I get, I can't seem to cry any more. Finally. I have waited for this. I know what's coming next. The numbness. The I-don't-care/don't-mind-ness. The point where everything else will just disappear, and the only thing in my head will be my goals.
Maybe then, I'll be able to get somewhere.
If I don't lose 5 kg/11 lbs before summer, I will have broken my strike. I will not be able to say I dropped 10 kg/22 lbs since last summer, like I could this year. I can't chock people with my ongoing success (Hmpf. What success?). I will be a failure once more. I will die of shame, and not come out the entire summer...

I really need to lose this weight. I have no plan what-so-ever as to how, 'cause at this point, each day is so different, and a struggle of it's own. Some days, I have the strength to resist, and even under beneath 1500 calories a day (sounds like so much, but think about how much of it I purge then). Some days I just don't give a fuck, and I binge and I purge, and binge, and purge, and binge... And then there are these very rare days, where I'm able to stand of and not binge a single time. And there's no pattern as to how these days come.

I promise, I didn't forget you girls.
I'm just so busy.
I'll make time to do my weekly weigh-in tomorrow, and I'll tell you what the doctor said-

I love you girls. So much.
You keep me going.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella