Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sometimes it's so hard to explain

So. This is proberbly going to be a reeeal long post, about me telling you guys what's been up for the last month or so, and what'll happen now. Guess I better get started.
Shortly after my last post before the "break", I stopped and thought "well, this isn't working. Wanna try it the healthy way?"
So I did. I ate 3 times a day, only healthy things,  and snacked on fruit and rice crackers only. For the first 2 weeks, it worked wonders. Then it came to a stop. Then I became depressed. Then I fell right back into my "old" old habbits.
I ate lig a pig. I ate so much every single day, and so unwisely. I put on, but not as much as expected. What kills me is, you can see that I've put on so much weight since I was at my lowest! And I can feel it on my clothes to.
I've put on 2/3 parts of what I lost at first. I'm so ashamed. I just wanna hide in a hole, WITHOUT any food thanks, and come up again sometime next year, thin and beautiful.

Then, one morning I woke at my boyfriends place, and I couldn't get to a proper scale (they have one, but it's not cooperating with my own :/), I looked in the mirror and realized how huge I'd gotten. I cried quite a few tears. Then I got myself together. I told myself that I would not live like this anymore, that I would go into a fast and not stop 'till I was satisfied.
Sadly, yesterday evening was the last scouts meeting before the holidays, so traditionally, everyone brought some sweets and sodas and crisps, and since I hadn't had time to get used to the hungry feeling, I fell right in it again. And ate like a pig again.

So. Today is a fast. Tomorrow will be too.
Before sunday, I'll have lost at least 3 kg/6,6 lbs. I know it's a lot, but it's all carb and water weight. I think, if I work real hard, I'll be able to do it.
Zumba today. Might find something else to do tomorrow.

Saturday evening (or sunday morning, not sure yet) I'll leave for Roskilde Festival.
It's the biggest festival in the north, it's held once a year, and it is the biggest even of the summer, of the music year! It's simply huge. And this year, I get to go, along with boyfriend.
Good news: haven't saved up a lot of money for food. I'll be starving wether I want to or not.
Bad news: There'll be drinking. Lots and lots of it. Whitch is fun, but totally unhealthy. It'll be 8 days straight of drinking cheap beer, listening to loud music, living on rye bread with Nutella, eating apples, getting to little sleep every night, and walking around the town if I wake before the music starts. Yikes. That doesn't really sounds healthy, does it?

BUT I will not let this ruin my experience. I'll find a way to balance it. I mean, if I don't really eat anything during the day, I'll get faster drunk. I wont have to drink more than a couple of beers. So I should be allright. I think. I hope.
Gosh, I'm excited!

Okay, Blogger is absolutely screwing with me. It won't even insert my pictures now! I won't let me comment either. Like, at all. I'm totally pissed now. Gaaarh!
So, I'll have to leave you darlings without any pictures to make this post a bit prettier, without thinspo, without anything. Blame Blogger, okay? Not me.

I'll write you guys soon, I promise.
Stay strong lovelies.
Think thin!
- Bella

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Never good enough
It's been a long time. A really long time.
I went into a kind of home made treatment. And it went real well the first couple of weeks.
Then it got out of hand.
I just...
I ate. And ate. And then ate some more.
I've putten on so much weight I can't even get myself into saying it.
I've got to get it off me. Fast.

So I'm back. I'd sworn I would never do this again.
But I'm in too deep. I'm too addicted.

I'm sorry for leaving you girls for so long. So sudden.
I just... i really thouht I could do it, you know?
Guess I'll not be doing that mistake again.

I'm back girls. For real.
And I'm free. Summers break.
So I'll be able to write a lot more.
I'll write again tomorrow, when I'm not so...
Well. Depressed. Dissapointed. Mad.
Dunno. I'll write tomorrow.
I'm sorry girls. I truelly am.

I love all of you, with all my heart.
- Bella