Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Weekly weigh-in + Doctor's news

CW: 79,9 kg/176,1 lbs (BMI 28,6)
Loss: +0,4 kg/0,9 lb (over 3 weeks!)
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
I was at the doctors today. I told him about my self harm, eating disorder and depression. He made this test on me, and concluded that i definitely have a depression. I was hoping for some anti depressing pills or something like that. Like the ones Nicolaj will get, even though his is way less serious than mine. But no. He did that thing, that you are just not supposed to do with me. He sent me on. He fucking send me on in the system! Now I'm supposed to come back there in a week, and he'll tell me how much of a waiting list there is. He's subscribing me to the youth psychiatric department, with a priority mark. And I'm supposed to just wait for that, check in with the doctors now and then, to see if I'm getting worse.
No pills. No help. No hope. Nothing.
I just wanna cut, cut, cut until I bleed to death. Please let me die, let him see that I need some fucking help RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
I feel so... Let down. I have no hope left in me for ever getting better. Ever. I will have to live with this until the day I fucking die. Really. I will.
They all just keep sending me on. They don't want to deal with this fucked up wreck. Let someone else do it, that's fine. I'm fine. I don't fucking need your help

My mom just came in and talked to me. Asking what the doctor said. I broke down. Totally. I cried, and I told her every thing I just wrote above this, about how disappointed I am, about how little faith I have in this, and all that. And she just held me, and told me that she was so happy that finally, finally, I was gonna get better. She apologized for never having been able to do anything about it herself, for having been such a bad mother in that way. And I just cried, and let her hold me, let her tell me that everything is going to be fine. I just sat in her arms, and felt safe, and loved, and finally, I started to believe her when she said that I was probably gonna get the pills later, that these conversations and the psychiatric was gonna be good. And now she's gone, and I'm already back to the "no hope" point again. I love her so much, but why does she have to make such bad choices all the time? She makes me feel safe, like home...

My weight has been going down for the past couple of days, and I really don't want to jinx my just haven gotten under 80 kg/176,4 lbs, so I have been very careful today. Unless I break it in the 3 hours or so I have until bedtime, I should have lost again for tomorrow, and if I can keep this up until the end of the weekend, maybe this time I'll be able to stay under 80, finally. I just have stay focused. It's only a few days. Sure I can make it... Maybe.

I'm not sure how much longer I can make it. My body is starting to show signs of my fucked up eating habits. My heart is starting to beat real fast, so fast I get dizzy, every single morning. My legs are starting to give away under me, like I'm going to trip, all the time. And I'm sure that the bad sleeping isn't the only reason for my being so fucking tired all the time.
I know I should just eat a little and go to the gym.
I know that would be a lot healthier, that I would lose way more that way.
I know this, don't think I'm stupid. It's just not that easy, it's not that simple. It's not a "just". It's so fucking hard. I hate when people tell me to do this. They don't fucking know how I feel, okay? Just because you're able to starve yourself for days and work out 2 hours every fucking day, doesn't mean I can do the same, okay? I don't have the same strength, the same self control! I'm just a pathetic, weak piece of shit. I'm nothing. I'm not even worth all your "good" suggestions, so why don't you just piss off, please?
Sorry. I went a bit nuts over a friend of mine, thinking she knows my body better than me, thinking I can just follow her diet. Well, I can't. It's just not that easy. Sorry.

 Music is gonna be my anti depressant for now. I've gone into my very own music therapy.

Good luck with all of your plans lovelies. I hope you're doing better than me, and least psychic, if nothing else.
I love you. You girls keep me alive (I even told my doctor that).
You really do. I love you girls, with every single piece of my heart. Or what's left of it, at least.
And I still hate this new Blogger design ._.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Important question (And sorry for being so lame)

First of all, I do have the weights for my two missed weekly-weigh in, and I will write it in the box on the right as soon as I finish this post. I don't know why I never posted them, I guess I've just got too much going on right now. My depression has taken over, and the last couple of days have been spend eating, purging, cutting and crying. Plus handling Nicolaj's depression as well.
But really, everything is looking up on that. Nicolaj's got an appointment at the doctor today, and I've got one on Wednesday. I'm going to tell the doctor about my depression, self-harm and bulimia, and hope he can help me get out of it.
I'm not going fully into recovery though. I just want to stop purging, to stop being so addicted to eating and eating and puking and puking. I don't want to ruin my teeth, or my neck, or anything that way.  Instead, I want to learn how to eat less, something the doctor probably will help me with, if I just say that it'll help me to not purge.
I'm hoping to get some antidepressants or some counseling or something for the depression. If they don't help me out, if they just advice me to seek a shrink, I'm gonna give up. I've been trying for so long, I'm so sick of always being sad, of always urging to harm myself, of always feeling like dying. If they wont give me help when I ask for it, I'm gonna make them practically force me to accept help. I'm ready to be happy again.

Now, to the important question, that I'm not asking for myself, but for my ED-friend (remember, I told you about her before?). Anyway. Remember, I'm not a crappy friend for doing this. I don't want her to be ill, but I want to help her reaching her goals. She's the only person I know IRL who really, truly understands how I feel.
She's a very impatient person, she's pretty strong-willed, and she's determinative to become skinny fast. Does anyone know a good diet for very fast weight-loss? It doesn't matter whether it lasts afterwards or not, as long as you lose weight fast.
She's a vegetarian, and she doesn't eat more than a couple hundred calories a day. Can anyone recommend something?

Damn, I really hate the new Blogger design. It's horrible! I can't work it out at all. I hate the way you see the blogs you follow, the way you can edit and add and all that on your own, I hate it all. It sucks. I want the old one back.

So... As I mentioned earlier, I have not been a good girl. I was so close to getting lower than ever, and then I picked back up all the weight again. I'm ashamed. I have been eating really, really bad. My diet is crazy. Take as an example yesterday: 3 pieces of rye bread with dark chocolate = 200, sandwich with egg salad = 400, 1 pack of chocolate chip cookies = 1080, 2 bags of sweets = 1030. Purged the sandwich plus a bit of the rye bread, the cookies, and half the sweets or so. My weight didn't do anything. I neither gained or lost on a day like that.
What have I done to myself, to my body?
This is the reason I want to stop binging/purging, and just eat less. Just 800 a day or so at first, that's shouldn't be so hard. That used to be a dream day for me. Know, I eat minimum 3 times that amount a day.
I can't feel my body any more. I can't ever feel whether I'm full or not. I feel the hunger, and then I eat and eat and eat, and even when I try, I honestly can't feel when I'm full any more. I always just feel like I can eat more, like I need more in order to feel good. Sometimes, I eat until I can't eat no more, until the purging almost happens automatically. I just feel like I need to eat all the time. And I would love to just eat low calories snacks all day, but I'm so fussy with food. I don't like carrots, or celery, or bell peppers, or anything that'll keep my full. I like cucumber, apples, strawberries, pears and melon. And that's about it. The strawberries and melon is expensive, the pears and apples always gets eaten in 2 days when my mom finally buy them, and the cucumber, I got tired of after about 200g.
Can anyone recommend me any sweet, delicious or something like that-snack that I can bring around in a container, so I can eat anytime I want to?

Oh loves, I'm so embarrassed by how I've been treating you. I promise, it'll never happen again. Never ever!
I love you so much. And I'm gonna get better for you, so I can make positive posts and inspire you all. I will be that blogger some day, I promise! For you <3

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Weekly weigh-in - at last!

CW: 79,5 kg/175,3 lbs (BMI 28,5)
Loss: +0,7 kg/1,5 lb (over 9 weeks!)
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
Yes girls, I finally got below the 80's again, and I even felt strong enough to post it. The weigh-ins are back! Also, I'm planning on irritating my mother until she takes me with her to the gym today. I haven't been to the gym since... Well, since I stopped posting my weekly weigh-ins, actually. What a waste of money. But, I'm back now. I'm stronger. I can feel it.
As of Sunday night, throughout Monday, and into the middle of yesterday, I managed to do a 36 hour fast. It doesn't sounds like much, but the last time I managed to fast for even just 24 hours was in December. So yeah, I feel very motivated!

Yesterday was not that good eating wise, though I still managed losing some weight.
I had some rye bread with cheese, along with some cookies, a pizza, half a tube of crisps, and some candy. I purged the rye bread, the cookies and the pizza. I don't feel too bad, binging after my fast, 'cause I purged most of it, and it felt so nice to actually have a reason to purge, instead of just feeling super bulimic and purge over one stupid meal. I definitely intend to go on this way, which is fasting and only purging when binging. I'm actually 12 hours into my newest fast already, which I hope will last for at least 48 hours. I don't know about that, but we'll see. It'll only work if I find a way to avoid dinner. So we'll see.
I really, really need to start counting calories again. It's just... When I turned bulimic (I have no problem at all saying this. It feels so strange to be able to admit it so easily!) my daily intake just rose to a point where I stopped counting because I was too ashamed to see it, even if I was the only one who would ever know.
Well, no more. I will fast, restrict, exercise, count. I will go back to that period of my life, except this time, I'll be stronger. Seriously, I'm only 1,2 kg/2,6 lbs from being at my lowest ever while having this blog. That's like, nothing! If I really do manage to fast today and go to the gym, that'll be reached way before the next weigh-in!

Now, speaking directly to everyone who read my last post, the worlds greatest followers, and everyone else who might care: I'm sorry for all the depression-trips these posts are taking. I'm sorry I'm such a selfish bitch. I promise, from now on, I'll think twice before posting anything! Not just post in rage, or while tears are streaming down my face. I can't guarantee there'll be no more of those posts, but the number of them should really drop considerably. I mean, I come here to get my feelings out, but not to make you girls feel bad.
I was touched by the comments you left me. And also just by how many read it. How many cared for me out there. Care.
I can truly say, you are the best girls. I love you so very, very dearly!

Now, to something entirely different! I was at the movies with Nicolaj Monday evening, and we watched The Hunger Games. I know these books are a huge deal in the US, and I'd love to read them, really. But to be honest, I didn't think the movie was super great. I mean, it's not like I came out like"OMG, HURRY UP, I NEED TO BUY THE EFFING BOOK!" or anything. It was a good story with a nice plot. But it wasn't any more than that to me, to be honest. Sorry to every lover out there. I just came to think about it when reading someone on Facebook cheering for it up to the release.
I guess I'm just more of a sexy, bloody, vampire-y kind of girl.
My broken finger is really starting to annoy the hell out of me. The wound on it is itching like hell, and I still have to keep it in the bandage for 2 more weeks. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make that.
How it happened? Well, I was down but the scouts, and we were taking down the swing my patrol had made as our pioneer project. So, we were pushing the rafts, and then suddenly, the ones standing beside me lost control of theirs, which resulted in my finger getting squeezed between the raft I was holding, and their raft, landing on top of it. I got the nastiest wound - the damn thing tore up the skin on my finger! - and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna loose my nail. Plus, of course, the bone broke a little. So, not exactly the perfect night.
At least the pain kept me from eating for almost 18 hours after it happened. But then the guys at the ER fixed it, and I started stuffing my fat face. Sigh.

Oh well, at least you guys are now updated on pretty much everything in my life at the moment. God, what a long ramble of random stuff. Just like I used to make them!

So girls, I'm gonna smoke now. You all take care of yourself until next time I write you!
I love you girls :)

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Broken bones ain't got nothing on me

I'm so broken girls. And I'm not talking about my finger - yeah, I broke my finger last Tuesday, hence the lack of posts. My inside is so very, very broken. A broken butterfly. I can't fly. I'm too fat for that. All I can do is lay here on the floor, when I ended up when trying to take of, to fly away from this world, and hope no one steps on me. I'm surprised my x-rays didn't show cracks in my entire hands, 'cause I feel like every single little piece of me has fallen apart, like there's nothing left to hold me up. 
I feel like there's no need for me here. Everything I do, it's useless. No matter what I do, no matter how much I put myself into it - all the tears, all the sweat I ever spill - it ends up as just another insignificant waist of effort. I'm not sure how long I can take this, this insignificance, this waist. I'm waisting away. Not literally of course, 'cause when was I ever really able to keep my big mouth shut and my self-control up? But on the inside... I'm dying, and nobody sees it. I'm falling apart, breaking a little more every day, and still, people think I'm fine. Nobody really cares.
So many people knows about my scars, my battles. Parents, friends, teachers. They all say they're here for me, advising me, telling me to get some help. But where are they all, when my world falls apart? When I'm sitting alone in my room, crying, bleeding?
No one. No one is there for me.

81,4 kg/179,5 lbs this morning. Not - Good - Enough.
This has got to stop. I can't go on eating this much. Bulimia was never supposed to be my method. Starving is alright. But this constant purging... I can't take it. It's so easy. So simple. It doesn't hurt. And you don't have to hold back for nothing. But I can't go on like this. I have to stop eating. I have to lose weight, instead of just maintaining around the same 3 digits all the time. I have to starve. To feel the pain. To count the calories. It has been so long. I need it. I need to go back to it. I need control. I will have it. I will have control.

The nurse at the hospital, a very cute young man - kind of reminding me about Kevin Alejandro, actually - saw my arm when he had to clean the wound on my finger. He asked me "Did you hurt your arm too? What happened?". My mom and Nicolaj looked at me, and then my mom told him "No, it's nothing" at the same time I did.
Nothing happened to me, you're right mom. Just close your eyes and pretend nothing happened. Your little girl doesn't cut, she doesn't throw up your food. Sure, you hear her tell you so herself, but why take it seriously? No, just pretend nothing ever happened, that's right. That's easier, I'm sure. For you.

I can't wait for the day something finally happens. The day someone finds me unconscious, dying. I can't wait for the day they'll be holding my lifeless body in their arms, finally, finally crying for me. And it'll be too late. They won't be able to go back and make it all not happen. They won't be able to do anything, while the doctors are fighting to save my life.
This is the dark corner of me, the one no one ever sees.
They'll never know.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I know this isn't what most of you want to see.
You won't know what to say. You'll be disgusted, just by reading it.
But this is my blog. This is what I made it for.
I don't expect anyone to cheer about that. But it's the truth.

I don't want to hurt you girls.
You are the only ones I have.
The only ones who knows, who understands.
And if there's any feeling left in me at all, you are the ones to make me feel it.
Love. There's still love in me.
I love you girls. Really.

I'll write you soon. Really. I'm getting better with the finger and all.
Until next time girls, take care.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella