Friday, January 21, 2011

Well, look at that

I'm actually doing all right at the moment. Today I weighted in at 83,8 kg/184,7 lbs, which is the exactly same, as the lowest I ever were, before going back to put on weight. I've not eaten today at all, and I'm not planning on ruining it now. Tomorrow, I want to see a number on the scales that I haven't seen for ages! I'm so looking forward to that!

I've done pretty well the last couple of days, and I'm absolutely thrilled! I'm back on track, and nothing can stop me from reaching my goals!
My boyfriend and I actually set up a goal for me together; at March 15, I have to be below 75 kg/165,3 lbs. That day, My Chemical Romance (finally!) performs their first concert in my small, crappy country. I believe that I can loose more than that before, but then again, I don't want to set up unrealistic goals. I hate not reaching my goals, simply because I've overestimated myself. It makes me feel like shit.

One thing I can't wait for, is for everyone to notice how much weight I've lost. Of course only in the beginning, while I'm still fat. Until I reach 55 kg/121,3 lbs I will love for everyone to notice how thin I'm becoming. Of course I will keep trying to loose weight after that, since I want to be skinny, not just normal sized. But I honestly don't want people to notice after that.
I've never really had much attention, neither from classmates, parents, boys, or anyone. That's the main reason why I want to loose weight. I want people to see me, to look at me and admire me for my pretty body (in, like, 5 years or so maybe...). I want to be perfect...

Well,  I guess that's it for now.
Stay strong girls!
- Bella

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I guess it's alright

So, I think I might be back on track. I've lost a little weight the last 2-3 days, but I'm not sure how much, since I don't remember what I weighted before. Today, I've had 2 diet cokes (bottles) and 2 pieces of sugarfree gum. I'm going to bed in about 1½ hour, and I don't belive I will eat before that.

Everyone keeps tempting me (my mom just came in and asked if I wanted some ice cream, though I told her no less than 2 hours ago!), and I don't know how long I can keep saying "no". Maybe I'll eat tomorrow. I have way to much cash, and I know it makes no diffrence if I just leave it at home, 'cause once I get home, I'll just give in.
I need to stay motivated through the day, but it's hard, since no one knows, besides my boyfriend and my best friend, and none of them understands! I need, like, an Ana buddy. But where on earth could I find one, in my small, small country, who wouldn't be disguisted by my look, my weight, my everything?

I find great relieaf in reading Pro Ana-blogs online. If it weren't for you girls, I would never be able to do what I do! I love you all so much, though you don't even know I excist. 'Cause honestly, what diffrence does my unknown love make? None. None at all.

I'm going to a party this saturday, 18-years birthday, so I will probably be drinking. I've read online that of all alcohol, plain rum seems to be the best, along with Coke or Sprite zero (or other light/zero products), so I'll stick with that. But honestly, I don't really feel like drinking, and acting stupid, and waking up with my stomac turned the wrong way.
I'm tired of this shit, I'm tired of how everybody exspects me to looove drinking, to do it all the time. Even my parrents thinks it's good for me, 'cause they know how much of an out-sider I've always been, and therefore never being invited to parties.

Screw society and all their exspectations! This is my life, and I'll live it just the way that I want to!
And what I want to, is being thin, and beautiful, and admired. I want to be happy, and to live my life without carying about everything I do, all the time! Just to bad that's never going to happen...

Starve on girls! You're all so beautiful
- Bella

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I am nothing

I am worth nothing. Nothing at all.

For the last 2 weeks or so, I have been eating like a pig. I have put on a lot of weight. This morning is was 87 kg/191,8 lbs. This is really, really bad.

I don't know what happend. I just stopped thinking. Even today, I've eaten a whole lot of crape. Chips, winegums, lemoncake, chocolate-cereal. And today was even a good day. The past week I've eaten more chocolate and stuff like that, than I did all December month!
And even though I've told myself every day the last month to, I have not been to te gym once.

I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself.

Even my boyfriend thinks I'm ugly. He never says it, but  he's been loosing his intrest for me. I can feel it, and it's not just imaginary. Thing have happend between us, but they are just too private to even put on the internet.

Every night I lay in bed, thinking "tommorow I'm going to fast!". So why can't I just stick to it?
I wish I could change. I wish it was just that simple. I don't even understand it myself. Even though I want this more than anything, it's like my whole body is struggling against me, eating sweets and chocolate, drinking sodas and just... Sitting there, like it'll all be fine.

It'll never be fine. It'll never be okay. I'll never be perfect or thin. Or just normal sized. I hate it. I hate myself.

Don't be like me girls.
I know you can do better than that.
Starve on, stay strong!
- Bella