Thursday, January 13, 2011

I am nothing

I am worth nothing. Nothing at all.

For the last 2 weeks or so, I have been eating like a pig. I have put on a lot of weight. This morning is was 87 kg/191,8 lbs. This is really, really bad.

I don't know what happend. I just stopped thinking. Even today, I've eaten a whole lot of crape. Chips, winegums, lemoncake, chocolate-cereal. And today was even a good day. The past week I've eaten more chocolate and stuff like that, than I did all December month!
And even though I've told myself every day the last month to, I have not been to te gym once.

I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself.

Even my boyfriend thinks I'm ugly. He never says it, but  he's been loosing his intrest for me. I can feel it, and it's not just imaginary. Thing have happend between us, but they are just too private to even put on the internet.

Every night I lay in bed, thinking "tommorow I'm going to fast!". So why can't I just stick to it?
I wish I could change. I wish it was just that simple. I don't even understand it myself. Even though I want this more than anything, it's like my whole body is struggling against me, eating sweets and chocolate, drinking sodas and just... Sitting there, like it'll all be fine.

It'll never be fine. It'll never be okay. I'll never be perfect or thin. Or just normal sized. I hate it. I hate myself.

Don't be like me girls.
I know you can do better than that.
Starve on, stay strong!
- Bella

1 comment:

  1. You'll make it, I promise. We all binge, either we admit it or not. I always happens. You WILL be a normal size, and you WILL be thin. It's true, your body really is fighting against you, defending it's current weight! But you will win, you got the brains on your side!