Thursday, March 22, 2012

Studying trip post!

First of all, thank you so much girls! I had never expected that kind of comments, I was so overwhelmed! It means so much to me, you'll never know! I'm so grateful to have you girls, it's crazy! Thank you :)

So, I'm in Spain, getting sunburned (TWICE on my nose! Seriously?!) and exploring this amazing city! Seriously, if you ever come to Spain, you have to visit it! Especially the part we just went to today, Monachil. It was crazily beautiful! At first, it was a looong walk up badly made stairs and patches, but after we got to a hanging bridge - 50 m! - we made it to this beautiful area. We had to walk around a gigantic mountain, on a path so small, we could barely walk there, and the mountain river flowing on the other side. Seriously, there were handles at some points where it was just impossible to walk without. It was so fantastic, so much fun, and such a beautiful area! It was way more interesting than Alhambra, and some has declared that the worlds 8th wonder. Seriously, Google it, 'cause I can't put in pictures at the moment. I don't have the cable for my camera.

We are walking crazily much. My feet are hurting so bad, and I have overstretched (that word sounds crazy, but it's what my dictionary says :/ ) I never even knew of before! Beneath my knees, down the side of the legs. Seriously, what the fuck?
But we are seeing so many things, and we're having such a great time! I'm not much of a socializer though, so I haven't been out drinking with the others in the evenings. I just don't feel comfortable doing that with people I don't really know so well, and doesn't really like-like. I mean, they're fine, but I just have such a hard time of it. Small steps. We're all going out to see a flamenco-show tonight, and having dinner beforehand. After that, most will go into town to party. I'm thinking I'll maybe go get a beer or too, and just try to enjoy it.

The weather down here is so great! Especially today has been so very nice. It made me wish I had the confidence to wear shorts. And that I hadn't cut my thigh this morning.
My eating down here sucks, though. I have been acting so gross, and it just kills me thinking about it. I just made it beneath 80 kg/176,4 lbs before the trip, and now, I'm probably coming home to 85 kg/187,4 or something. Gosh, that would be so terrible. But realistic. I'm not kidding. It has been so disgusting, and so little of it has been purged. I already cut twice down here for being a pig, and I know I'm gonna cut tomorrow for this days mistakes as well. I can just sense it already :/

I swear to God, and this time I'm serious, when I get home, I have to start going into the gym! It doesn't even have to be obsessively much. Just 2 or 3 times a week, for one hour or one and a half. No more! How hard can it be?!
Also, I have got to get my eating under control. I keep using money I don't have, and it's driving me crazy, 'cause then I can't get my cigarettes and diet coke! And I really, really enjoy those things. I helps keeping me sane. I've noticed, my depression-state has taken of since I started smoking. I know I already wrote this earlier, but really! Why didn't I start smoking way sooner?

I'm worried people will notice my cuts tonight, 'cause I'll be wearing tights and shorts. But then again, no one ever notices me anyway, so why would they start now? No one will be looking at my disgustingly fat thighs anyway. I'm just going to try and relax, and enjoy myself a bit. We're all having paella for dinner, a traditional Spanish dish. It's just rice and vegetables, since I'm a vegetarian - really, I have gotten better at not eating meat! - so it should be fairly healthy. All I've eaten today is 3 Kit-Kats, 1 Nestlé Milkybar, and a 100 g. crisp bag. And some very, very dry bread. Like, 20 g. or so. Nothing, really. Then I've had 2 Red Bulls, and one glass of orange juice. A lot of calories, but hardly anything to keep me full. Why am I so stupid?

So, I'll go put on some make-up now, then I'll go have a cigarette, and hopefully by then, my hair will be dry enough to straighten. The website said all rooms had hair dryers. The website is a big fat liar! So I'll just go put it in the sun.
Until I get home, and until next time I write you girls, I want you all to take great care of your self, and I promise, promise, promise, I'll be commenting as soon as I get home! I have to. I will!

I love you girls. You really do light up my world. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Sunday, March 18, 2012

New hair! (Very short!)

I don't have time for a real post, since I still haven't packed or cleaned my room, and I'm leaving tomorrow. Just wanted to keep my promise and let you guys have a look at my new hair. Dyed it yesterday. What do you think? Let me know!

I love you girls. And I promise, I'll write you the first evening I have the time while in Spain!
Damn, I'm excited!

Don't forget to leave me a comment, telling me what you think!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Friday, March 16, 2012

Hair dye, cigarettes and other random informations!

Didn't succeed the fast yesterday. But I didn't fail too bad either, so I'm not too beaten up about that (two bags of crisps and some spring-rolls. That's all for the day, and I purged every God damn bite! - in no measures my worst binge). Besides, I'll just do it today anyway. No more fails, I promised! I'm going to stick to that promise.
Woke up to my scale saying 80,6 kg/177,7 lbs this morning. The lowest I have been for, like, two months. So all of a sudden, I'm far more optimistic about the Granada trip. I'm hoping to get beneath 80 kg/176,4 lbs before leaving. I'm positive today! Mentally, I'm exhausted. But it's Friday, the weight's been going down every day for a while now, and some time this weekend, I'm gonna dye my hair! So excited. I already bleached, so I am no longer the Bella you know. No longer the black-haired depressed failure you knew as before.
I'll post a picture as soon as I've dyed it, so you guys will be the first ones to see! All I can say is, it's the same color as I had almost two years ago, and it's the color I have loved the most of them all. I actually promised myself I had to be beneath 75 kg/165 lbs before dyeing it, but I just couldn't wait, and I was so tired of the black. I hope it'll be good, even if it's on top of my fat head.

I didn't cut yesterday anyway. I wanted to, but I couldn't leave my friends for 30 minutes without them asking where I was. By the time I got home, all I could think about was purging. After that, I strangely for once did NOT want to cut. I didn't want to feel any worse. I just wanted to start over.
I even invited my friends over. We smoked, and laughed, and tried on clothes, and watched TV. It was great. I wasn't alone with my thoughts and feelings, and I went to bed without cutting.
I can't guarantee this feeling will last. Probably not even by the time I get home, I will have thought about it, wanted to do it. But even one day is a success for me. I'm getting better :)

I feel like I need to smoke all the time lately. Everything just seems stressing, and I'm absolutely sure that the only reason my depression has been holding back lately (no crying before going to sleep the past week!) is the cigarettes. They really, really help. It's crazy!
I don't feel like they decrease my hunger though. I definitely feel something when smoking, something about my hunger. But it's not enough to make me breath, think, and cut out the eating. That's sad, I had hoped for that side effect. But still, so worth it. I love smoking.
People always tell me "it's so bad, you'll die many years before when smoking!". I always feel like answering them "what if I don't care whether I live or not? What if I want to destroy myself?". They'd think me crazy if I ever said that, so I always just say something along like "you don't need to smoke, just leave me alone".

Sometimes it's hard, you know? Not being able to tell anyone how you feel. I mean, we're all used to it and stuff, but I honestly doesn't have a problem with it, most of the time. It's not like I ever feel different, so once it's out, it's just all the same from then on. But sometimes I miss the understanding along my friends. Every time I get up to purge, every time I take of my sweater because it's too hot. Sometimes, I just wish they'd understand what it means, what I'm exposing, hoping for them to catch. Because I want them to care about me.
Not that I'd talk to them about my problems anyway. But just having them know... That would be nice. I think.

Time goes by so slowly on Friday mornings, doesn't it?
Man, I long for weekend. And Granada! Just a shame the weather turns crappy in Granada, and great in Denmark, just as we're going there. I guess once I'm drunk, I won't notice anyway ;)

Life is so short lovelies, and our youth is over before we know it.
So do what you want to, laugh because you feel like it, and never take any bullshit from anyone!

I love you girls. And I swear, I'm gonna post again as soon as I dye my hair!
Oh, and I found out there's free WI-FI on the hotels, so I'm bringing my computer! If I have the time, I'll write you while I'm there, let you know how everything is going :)

Hope you'll all have a great weekend! :)
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful
- Bella ♥

Thursday, March 15, 2012

¡Viva España!

Hello darlings, sorry for the long wait. I just... I think I have a writer's block, you know? It's hard for me, getting my thoughts out there. Here. I never felt that way before, ever! What is this eating disorder doing to me?

Monday 19th until Saturday 24th, me and my class will be in Spain. It's a trip every 2.g (the term for my year at the Gymnasium) goes to. Since we're a Spanish class, we're going to Granada, to see the Alhambra, the Cathedral, and a lot of other exciting things.
This means no posts next week :/

I don't know what I'll do about food, though. 
I keep trying, I keep trying to hold back, to restrict. But I can't. I fail every time. And then I end up binging and purging. Or worse, just binging. Sometimes, there's just no way for me to purge. Because the people around me, my friend, they know, and they'll get hurt if I do it while with them. I don't want to lose the few friends I have. So I don't.
I know that strawberries are very cheap in Spain. They cost, like, a fourth of what they cost in Denmark. So I'm looking very much forward to eat a ton of strawberries every day! I hope that'll be enough for me...

I guess my plan is to just NOT buy all my food at restaurants, but go grocery-shopping, and make sure it's all fairly healthy. I don't think there's anything I can do to come around gaining while in Spain. I just don't have the self-control. I lost it all. I have no idea why.

I barely live disordered anymore. I eat like a normal person, and I hardly purge. I remember purging 8 times at some days, and I know that's horrible. But it's better than this.
I have gained so much. I'm so ashamed. I don't even want to tell you girls. Not yet. I can't.
I need to get back into restricting. I can't fast, not yet. It's been so long. I long for it. I long for the empty feeling. But I can't do it. I'm too weak.

No more girls. No more. No more binging. No more purging. No more gaining. No more failing.
Only loosing. Restricting. Starving. Winning.
I will not eat today. I will not. No matter what anyone tells me, I will not eat today.
I might regret it. I might look for excuses. I might give up.
But there's no "might"s in my life anymore. I refuse to be a loser one more day of my life. I can't.

I want to cut. I want it so bad.
I want the pain, the blood, the tears, the silence.
I want this numbness to end.

My arm still hurts from yesterday. Yet, I just long for more pain. I want to feel the razor slicing up my skins, leaving behind the proof that I will never be whole again.
I have started to bring a razor everywhere. Because I always get the urge to cut while in school, but never have the means. I'm gonna bring one to Spain.
You knew I was fucked. But do you really know how bad it is?

I'm never gonna be the same again.
I'll never get myself back.

I'm so depressed today.
Yet another day.

But I'm hopeful.
Because I know that I will be thin.
And when I do,
I will be happy.

I love you. Really.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Life is just too short

I really, really wish I could achieve something in life. But I'm not smart enough to be a doctor, or a scientist, or anything like that. And I'm not talented enough to become famous by singing, or acting, or anything like that. I just...  I want to make a difference. I want to reach out to people, touch them and their lives. I want to reach out to the lost young girls and boys in the world. I want to leave something ever lasting before I die. Something important. I want people to remember me for changing their lives.
That's why I'm going to be a teacher. I'm not smart or talented enough to touch millions of lives, but at least I can touch some. In 7th grade, I had a teacher who pretty much saved me. She found out that I was cutting myself, and she spent so much time trying to help me, trying to make me feel better. And she did. I felt valued, even if it was just for a short amount of time. That's the kind of teacher I want to be. I want to scout out the kids that cuts them selfs, that starves them self in order to feel pretty, the kids who are abused in either way, the kids being bullied, or being on a bad path, on the way into alcohol and drugs and violence. I want to change these peoples lives, I want them to remember me like I remember that teacher of mine.
Life is just too short to not make anything out of it.

The last couple of days has been alright. A lot of purging Monday. A bit Tuesday. Only once yesterday. Slept at Nicolaj this night, so I don't know about my weight this morning, but yesterday, I was down to 81,4 kg/179,5 lbs. I'm out of the 180's again. Not out of the 80's though, and that annoys me. I swore I'd never go over the 80-mark again. Once I get under it again, I'll have to work super hard to keep it up. I can't just relax and be happy. That has gone wrong once too many.
Nicolaj has bought us tickets for the Roskilde Festival again this year. He's gone together with, like, 10 people, so that he can give me mine for my 18th birthday. He knows I can't afford it. It's in 4 months, and by that time, I want to be at least 10 or 15 kg beneath my current weigh. I want to be in the 60's. So that's my goal. 4 months to drop just around 13 kg/28,6 lbs. I can do it, I know I can. I just have, have, have to stay focused. I have lots to lose from, so if I just don't mess up too badly, I can do it. Seriously, we're talking 3,25 kg/7,16 lbs a month. Absolutely possible, considering how much I have to lose from!

So, today I've had veggie noodles (290), a piece of bread (95) and a dürüm-roll (I don't know. 700 or so?). Oh, and a Kit-Kat chunky (~250). Purged everything except the Kit-Kat. I really need to stop eating so much. I don't think I've gained today, considering the purging, but still. I really need to start thinking about what the fuck I put into my mouth.
(Re-reading that, that sounds incredibly wrong... So sorry!)

I cut Tuesday night. Not that that's anything new. But not only did I cut my left thigh randomly, I also cut the word "worthless" into my right thigh.
How the fuck am I supposed to ever wear a bikini, in ten years, when I've finally lost weight? Damn.

On a brighter side, I have been a genius in the kitchen, making something a million others have before me! But seriously, for me, it's extremely cool!
Nicolaj's going to a party with a fellow friend of ours tomorrow. I was supposed to go to, but I'm going on a scouting course for leaders, so I can become a real leader for the little children, instead of just an assistant. Anyway, we decided to make jello shots, with vodka and orange-juice. Understand this, foreign girls, in Denmark, jello is very rare, let-alone in shot-form! We even put wine gums in the bottom of some of them! So cool! We also made wine gums in vodka, where you let them lay there for 24 hours, and they grow to three times their original size! At first, we fucked up the jello shots real bad. BUT we saved them! They are seriously awesome! I'm so sad I won't get to go to the party, just to see peoples reactions! Again, this is a very uncommon thing, okay. They're a big deal, I swear!
We're also going to make "flødeboller" with vodka in them. It's gonna be a great party. Damn I wish I could go!

The scout thing's going to be pretty fun too. Lena is going too. At Saturday, there's a party themed "ball at the nursing room"... Okay, sounds so lame compared to the other party. I guess I do belong in a nursing home ._.
But no, it's gonna be really nice, and a lot of fun too. And, I'll have fun all weekend, instead of just one night. AND  I won't feel bad the next day!

At least I won't be eating much. And no binge-opportunities... *Sigh*. MOVE THE FUCKING PARTY!

Okay lovelies, I'm gonna go pack now. I won't be updating this weekend, but I promise, as of Monday, I will start blogging just as regularly as I used to before my breaks! I prmosieåromisepromisepromisepromise (Don't believe me. I suck at keeping a promise).
I love you girls so much. So, so much.

Oh, and before I end this post, a shout-out to all my lovely followers:
I hope you'll all take a second to check out BatteredRose's blog. She's a super sweet girl, an amazing blogger, and a wonderful follower! I'm her only follower, and to be honest, I hardly count, since I'm so bad at commenting. It would mean so much to me, and her too, probably, if anyone would check it out, follow her, and maybe even leave her a comment? We all have to help each other out here, you know :)

Okay, again. I love you girls. So, so much.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Thursday, March 1, 2012

I don't want to do this any more

I'm not ready. I do not want to get better. I do not want to see a doctor. I do not want to talk about my problems, and I do not want get over it! I can't. I just can't.

My life is such a mess right now girls. I'm sorry I'm so lousy, not commenting or updating for weeks, then come crawling back to you when I feel like complaining. I'm just a mess. Nothing is ever working out for me. I can't starve myself, even though it's just not eating. I can't purge all my food, even though it's just about keeping going. I can't cut deep enough, even though it's just about pressing harder. I can't get good grades, I can't be a good friend, a good girlfriend, I can't do nothing. I can hardly make 'til the next day. Every day I go to sleep, hoping I'll never wake up again. And every morning I get up, not knowing wether or not I'll make it through, wether or not this will be the day it all ends. And I'm starting to hope. To believe. Because it seems like the only way out.
And still, I do not want this to end. I don't want to get better. I want to be this miserable every single day for the rest of my life. Because I don't deserve nothing else.

Every day I wake up, and I put on my mask before I even leave the room. I keep it up all day, and it's so fucking hard. But I manage to hide the pain from them all, somehow. At night, it crumbles. Sometimes when I'm with Nicolaj, but mostly, it's when I'm alone. 'Cause that's when all these things hit. How much of a failure I am (we all know that feeling), how I don't deserve anything I have, how I'm just not worth it. I've been given so much throughout my life, but I throw it all away, and I go ahead and play sick. I am sick. A sick fuck, who doesn't really want to live, but doesn't want to die. Who doesn't want to go through all of this, but still cling to the feelings.


I don't remember if I ever told you about Lena, my... Well, how do I describe her... She's my friend. She's 40, mother of two, and she's the most generous and loving woman I have ever met. She might even be reading these words. She earned my trust, so I told her about it all. Even the blog.
I tell her everything. She's wonderful to talk to. She never ever judges you. She's had a very rough life herself, which just makes her so much more amazing for making it through every day with all this, and still have the energy to help fucked people like me.
She's so super supportive. She really wishes for me to get better. And it breaks my heart so much, seeing all this, and still not being able to accept it. I wish I could do this for her. But I just can't. I feel like the most terrible person in the world. I care about her so much. It's a huge change in my life, having someone older, wiser, tougher to talk to, and not being judged. Everything that I should have in my parents, but never had...

I'm too fat to have an eating disorder...

Weight-wise, I'm fucking. 81,8 kg/180,3 this morning, positively gone up by tomorrow. I saw 77 kg/169,8... And I can feel it only body. My belt. I can see it in the mirror. My dad even told me he could see it too. He doesn't get it. Doesn't get how much those innocent words hurts. He just meant to warn me in a nice sort of way. Instead, he made me cry.
I just hate myself. I hate myself so, so much. I feel like cutting up all my skin, making my body as ugly as can be. I don't deserve nothing else. I'm pretty sure God had this figured before I turned 5.


I don't... I don't know how to end this post...
I don't deserve you all. I don't want to make any more promises to you, I don't want you to care for me and support me, when I never supported you, never made you feel better when you needed it.

You have been my everything for so long by now. You keep me fighting, help me through the day. I hate myself for letting you down. You deserve better than this. Than me.

I love you girls. So, so, so, so, so much, it hurts!
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
Everything I'll never be...
- Bella