Hair dye, cigarettes and other random informations!

Didn't succeed the fast yesterday. But I didn't fail too bad either, so I'm not too beaten up about that (two bags of crisps and some spring-rolls. That's all for the day, and I purged every God damn bite! - in no measures my worst binge). Besides, I'll just do it today anyway. No more fails, I promised! I'm going to stick to that promise.

Woke up to my scale saying 80,6 kg/177,7 lbs this morning. The lowest I have been for, like, two months. So all of a sudden, I'm far more optimistic about the Granada trip. I'm hoping to get beneath 80 kg/176,4 lbs before leaving. I'm positive today! Mentally, I'm exhausted. But it's Friday, the weight's been going down every day for a while now, and some time this weekend, I'm gonna dye my hair! So excited. I already bleached, so I am no longer the Bella you know. No longer the black-haired depressed failure you knew as before.

I'll post a picture as soon as I've dyed it, so you guys will be the first ones to see! All I can say is, it's the same color as I had almost two years ago, and it's the color I have loved the most of them all. I actually promised myself I had to be beneath 75 kg/165 lbs before dyeing it, but I just couldn't wait, and I was so tired of the black. I hope it'll be good, even if it's on top of my fat head.

I didn't cut yesterday anyway. I wanted to, but I couldn't leave my friends for 30 minutes without them asking where I was. By the time I got home, all I could think about was purging. After that, I strangely for once did NOT want to cut. I didn't want to feel any worse. I just wanted to start over.

I even invited my friends over. We smoked, and laughed, and tried on clothes, and watched TV. It was great. I wasn't alone with my thoughts and feelings, and I went to bed without cutting.

I can't guarantee this feeling will last. Probably not even by the time I get home, I will have thought about it, wanted to do it. But even one day is a success for me. I'm getting better :)

I feel like I need to smoke all the time lately. Everything just seems stressing, and I'm absolutely sure that the only reason my depression has been holding back lately (no crying before going to sleep the past week!) is the cigarettes. They really, really help. It's crazy!

I don't feel like they decrease my hunger though. I definitely feel something when smoking, something about my hunger. But it's not enough to make me breath, think, and cut out the eating. That's sad, I had hoped for that side effect. But still, so worth it. I love smoking.

People always tell me "it's so bad, you'll die many years before when smoking!". I always feel like answering them "what if I don't care whether I live or not? What if I want to destroy myself?". They'd think me crazy if I ever said that, so I always just say something along like "you don't need to smoke, just leave me alone".

Sometimes it's hard, you know? Not being able to tell anyone how you feel. I mean, we're all used to it and stuff, but I honestly doesn't have a problem with it, most of the time. It's not like I ever feel different, so once it's out, it's just all the same from then on. But sometimes I miss the understanding along my friends. Every time I get up to purge, every time I take of my sweater because it's too hot. Sometimes, I just wish they'd understand what it means, what I'm exposing, hoping for them to catch. Because I want them to care about me.

Not that I'd talk to them about my problems anyway. But just having them know... That would be nice. I think.

Time goes by so slowly on Friday mornings, doesn't it?
Man, I long for weekend. And Granada! Just a shame the weather turns crappy in Granada, and great in Denmark, just as we're going there. I guess once I'm drunk, I won't notice anyway ;)

Life is so short lovelies, and our youth is over before we know it.

So do what you want to, laugh because you feel like it, and never take any bullshit from anyone!

I love you girls. And I swear, I'm gonna post again as soon as I dye my hair!

Oh, and I found out there's free WI-FI on the hotels, so I'm bringing my computer! If I have the time, I'll write you while I'm there, let you know how everything is going :)

Hope you'll all have a great weekend! :)

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful

- Bella ♥