Thursday, March 8, 2012

Life is just too short

I really, really wish I could achieve something in life. But I'm not smart enough to be a doctor, or a scientist, or anything like that. And I'm not talented enough to become famous by singing, or acting, or anything like that. I just...  I want to make a difference. I want to reach out to people, touch them and their lives. I want to reach out to the lost young girls and boys in the world. I want to leave something ever lasting before I die. Something important. I want people to remember me for changing their lives.
That's why I'm going to be a teacher. I'm not smart or talented enough to touch millions of lives, but at least I can touch some. In 7th grade, I had a teacher who pretty much saved me. She found out that I was cutting myself, and she spent so much time trying to help me, trying to make me feel better. And she did. I felt valued, even if it was just for a short amount of time. That's the kind of teacher I want to be. I want to scout out the kids that cuts them selfs, that starves them self in order to feel pretty, the kids who are abused in either way, the kids being bullied, or being on a bad path, on the way into alcohol and drugs and violence. I want to change these peoples lives, I want them to remember me like I remember that teacher of mine.
Life is just too short to not make anything out of it.

The last couple of days has been alright. A lot of purging Monday. A bit Tuesday. Only once yesterday. Slept at Nicolaj this night, so I don't know about my weight this morning, but yesterday, I was down to 81,4 kg/179,5 lbs. I'm out of the 180's again. Not out of the 80's though, and that annoys me. I swore I'd never go over the 80-mark again. Once I get under it again, I'll have to work super hard to keep it up. I can't just relax and be happy. That has gone wrong once too many.
Nicolaj has bought us tickets for the Roskilde Festival again this year. He's gone together with, like, 10 people, so that he can give me mine for my 18th birthday. He knows I can't afford it. It's in 4 months, and by that time, I want to be at least 10 or 15 kg beneath my current weigh. I want to be in the 60's. So that's my goal. 4 months to drop just around 13 kg/28,6 lbs. I can do it, I know I can. I just have, have, have to stay focused. I have lots to lose from, so if I just don't mess up too badly, I can do it. Seriously, we're talking 3,25 kg/7,16 lbs a month. Absolutely possible, considering how much I have to lose from!

So, today I've had veggie noodles (290), a piece of bread (95) and a dürüm-roll (I don't know. 700 or so?). Oh, and a Kit-Kat chunky (~250). Purged everything except the Kit-Kat. I really need to stop eating so much. I don't think I've gained today, considering the purging, but still. I really need to start thinking about what the fuck I put into my mouth.
(Re-reading that, that sounds incredibly wrong... So sorry!)

I cut Tuesday night. Not that that's anything new. But not only did I cut my left thigh randomly, I also cut the word "worthless" into my right thigh.
How the fuck am I supposed to ever wear a bikini, in ten years, when I've finally lost weight? Damn.

On a brighter side, I have been a genius in the kitchen, making something a million others have before me! But seriously, for me, it's extremely cool!
Nicolaj's going to a party with a fellow friend of ours tomorrow. I was supposed to go to, but I'm going on a scouting course for leaders, so I can become a real leader for the little children, instead of just an assistant. Anyway, we decided to make jello shots, with vodka and orange-juice. Understand this, foreign girls, in Denmark, jello is very rare, let-alone in shot-form! We even put wine gums in the bottom of some of them! So cool! We also made wine gums in vodka, where you let them lay there for 24 hours, and they grow to three times their original size! At first, we fucked up the jello shots real bad. BUT we saved them! They are seriously awesome! I'm so sad I won't get to go to the party, just to see peoples reactions! Again, this is a very uncommon thing, okay. They're a big deal, I swear!
We're also going to make "flødeboller" with vodka in them. It's gonna be a great party. Damn I wish I could go!

The scout thing's going to be pretty fun too. Lena is going too. At Saturday, there's a party themed "ball at the nursing room"... Okay, sounds so lame compared to the other party. I guess I do belong in a nursing home ._.
But no, it's gonna be really nice, and a lot of fun too. And, I'll have fun all weekend, instead of just one night. AND  I won't feel bad the next day!

At least I won't be eating much. And no binge-opportunities... *Sigh*. MOVE THE FUCKING PARTY!

Okay lovelies, I'm gonna go pack now. I won't be updating this weekend, but I promise, as of Monday, I will start blogging just as regularly as I used to before my breaks! I prmosieåromisepromisepromisepromise (Don't believe me. I suck at keeping a promise).
I love you girls so much. So, so much.

Oh, and before I end this post, a shout-out to all my lovely followers:
I hope you'll all take a second to check out BatteredRose's blog. She's a super sweet girl, an amazing blogger, and a wonderful follower! I'm her only follower, and to be honest, I hardly count, since I'm so bad at commenting. It would mean so much to me, and her too, probably, if anyone would check it out, follow her, and maybe even leave her a comment? We all have to help each other out here, you know :)

Okay, again. I love you girls. So, so much.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. Your goal is possible :) And that's lovely about your wish to be a teacher, I had two teachers like that but they still seemed to not quite understand! If you've been there you'll be able to help them. I got a shock with that thinspo pic, I have that girls underwear! I don't look that good in it though. Have a good weekend darling xx

  2. Bella,thank you so much for the shout-out!
    You're so cute and I'd never expected that you'd "talk about me" on your blog. Guess I look like a tomato now :D
    And thanks to everyone who's following my blog now :)

    Your goal to be a teacher sounds so nice and I just wish you the best! You can make it!! But I do think you're a smart person as your way of writing and expressing yourself is great!
    That teacher of yours was so nice. I wish I had such teachers...
    Some of my old teachers told me I was stupid just because of me not being at school everyday. They didn't even care about me suffering of several diseases.

    I really hope you'll achieve your goal and be an awesome teacher one day!!