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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Weekly weigh-in + positivity!

CW: 81,7 kg/180,1 lbs (BMI 29,3)
Loss: 1 kg/2,2 lbs (over two weeks)
GW1: 82 kg/180,8 lbs (BMI 29,4) - REACHED
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

So, for once, I am updating this post while being in a relativly good mood. Yesterday didn't go as I planned. One sandwich for lunch, no dinner, but we made kanelsnegle (Cinnamon snails) with the kid-scouts, and there was a lot of candy too because it was out last meeting before christmas. I purged both of those things. Then we had the meeting for the bigger scouts, and we had this competition that we have once e year. It's about solving codes. But first, you have to find the codes, and theese are hidden all over a table with some sort of theme. Like, we have had christmas eve, birthday party, family evening. This time it was chritmas-brunch theme, so of course, there was a lot of food, delicious food that we got to eat while finding the codes. And because it was stretched over 2 hours, I didn't have a chance at purging it. Still, I had lost weight for today, also getting me under my goal weight 1 (in the box on the right, behind the post-review).
I am so excited about this. It feels so wonderful. And I am getting so close to my lowest weight ever at this height! The lowest I have ever been while dieting, that is. I can practicly taste it. I so don't want to mess up this thing.
I do have one problem though girls. Yesterday I was drinking some sparkling mineral water, and one or two of my teeth ached so bad! I hurt so much I almost spat it back out.
If there is something I like about my look, it's my teeth. They are very straight since I have had retainers, and it was such a pain while having it that I take good care of my teeth now. So I have decided to give my teeth a small break. The next couple of days will be restricting with max. 800 calories a day net-total. Fitness every day, of course :)

I have eaten 704 calories so far today (rye-bread 399, bun 145, müslibar 81, cheese 44, butter 36).
When going to the gym I'm aiming to burn 300 or so on the exercise machines, then 50-100 on the weights (How do I know how much I've burned on the weights? It annoys me that they don't have an overlook, 'cause when I google it, I get 100 diffrent results ._.)
Anyway, once that's over with, I'll have about 350 calories left for dinner. Soup is always lovely, and I know that Nicolaj has some tomatoe cup-a-soup, so I'll just have that and maybe some bread with it. Yeah, I'm eating at his place tonight.
Lunch is over, and it's too late to purge. I'm starting to feel a bit panic-y at the thought of all those calories in my stomac right now. I was so much more than I though when I looked it up. Sigh.
No!
I've got to stay strong!
I've got to save my teeth!
I've got to get myself together!
Once, I could go for a week without eating more than 2000 calories in total. Now, I eat more than that every single day. I feel like I have lost every shred of control I ever had. But then again, it has got to be some kind of controle, being able to make yourself throw up several times a day, every day, knowing that it's a really bad feeling - though at the same time, really addictive?

Don't worry, I'm still pretty positive. Just wondering about life and stuff :)


Oh, and I really really want to thank y'all.
The support you give me means so much to me.
Really, no matter how depressed and destructive I am when I post, you girls always find some way to make me feel better about myself again. There is a reason I check Blogger 50 times a day, looking if I have gotten any more comments. Whenever I see them, I always just smile broadly.
Thank you all for always being there for me.
You girls really are the best!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I'm so sick of being sick...

I have gotten so bulimic lately. And it's working. The weight is droping. I didn't have a weigh-in last Wednesday, but my guess would be that I had gained 1-1,5 kg/2,2-3,3 lbs. Today, it is lower than my weigh-in almost 2 weeks ago, but what does that matter if the method I'm using is killing me so much faster than I'm losing? I know I have always said that method didn't matter, as long as I got there. I always defend myself when people tell my to stop purging. I get angry when some says that all I need to do is stop.
My ED friend did that the other day. I don't know if she's reading this or not, but I don't really want to bitch about her. I guess I'd just expected more support. She should know. What if someone told her, or any of you out there judging me, that you should just eat? Would it be that simple to you? No. And now I have lost the only ED friend I had in real life,  because she couldn't understand that.
Back to topic. I have always done all those things, but truth is, I'm scarred. I'm so, so scarred. I'm scarred that this will make all my teeth rotten, burn a hole in my stomac, will kill me with the use of my own acids. I'm scarred because I never really get addicted to anything. Last time I got addicted to a destructive habbit like this, was when I started cutting at the age of 11. I still haven't stopped that. And it all just went so fast. It only took one week from I met Mia, until I was purging every single day.
Right now, I purge maybe 3 or 4 times a day. Every day. No one really realizes how bad it is, not even Nicolaj. Remember when I told you that I had told my mom about my Bulimia that Friday everything went to hell? She hasn't mentioned a word. She hasn't even given me a hint. She just keeps making me food, and I keep throwing it all up again. Using her toothbrush, since my own is too thick.

I'm sorry that my blog has turned so pro-mia-ish, when most of you come here looking for Ana-stuff.
I really really am trying. But I'm not ready for fasting. Not yet. I have gotten too weak.
I must try to restrict. I eat so much all the time, and I only purge half of it. Still, my weight is going downdowndown. How can that be? Have I already broken my body with the acid so much that I'm losing some of the weight that was my stomac?


Today, I skipped breakfast. I used to hate eating breakfast. It was a habbit that went back to when I was 13 and first started to want to lose weight the unhealthy way. Mia ruined that. I have started bringing it to school, eating it around 9 or 10 every day. Usually, that one stays down, 'cause it's only a 186 calorie yogurt. Ironic, once that was more than I was even allowed to eat in a day. And it wouldn't be only. It would be massive. Then at 11.30 there's lunch. That one gets purged. Then maybe something around 3, if I'm home or have the money to buy it here. Depending on how much it is, I purge that as well. Always purges at home though. Then again around 5 I will maybe eat some more, only on the bad days. Purge. Dinner at 7 or so. Purge. Then sometimes a before-bed-snack. Depending on size, that one gets purged too.
So, I skipped breakfast and left lunch at home.I have no money, so I can't posibly buy anything.
I'm going directly to the scouts hut today, where I know for sure that there is a bit of food. I will have one can of mackerel in tomato-sauce (197 calories pr. hundred gram. Can't remember how much is in one can). Then I will want to eat some more, and I might eat one piece of rye-bread with it (100 calories). If I eat more than that, I know that I will purge, 'cause I can't even stand the thought of having it all inside me at once.

I am so fucked up. How can you guys keep being so amazing, reading this shit, commenting it?
I'm amazed.


Okay, so I fucked up before even having posted this post about me being tired of fucking up.
Ate a sandwich for lunch, which I borrowed money for, and then purged it 'cause it was just too much food at once. So much bread. And eggsalad. So gross.
I apologize for being so bad, so gross. So sick.
Believe, I hate me too.

I love you girls, even if you don't really feel the same.
To me, you are all the most beautiful, strong, wonderful people in the world.
Really.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Sunday, November 27, 2011

There's nothing glamorous about hanging over a toilet...

Behind closed doors I lay again
Knees on the floor, head in the bin
No one's here, it's just me and her
She looks so weak
Too weak to speak
Soon, I'll be just like her

She takes my hand and gives it a squece
”Until they're out, you'll never find peace”
My mind does not belong to me
It's all hers
It's all just blurs
Soon, I'll be free

I lock the door and I mask the sounds
I'll do anything not to be found
And I know what they're all thinking
”She's out of controle”
”She's loosing it all”
Soon, I'll be shrinking

...


I feel like I'm not done with it. But I just can't come up with any more.
You know, once I could spit out poems faster than you could count to ten. Now, it's a struggle just to get started. Not to say how long it is since I finnished a poem that I was satisfied with...

Friday, November 25, 2011

A real update (Long time, no see)

So, I haven't been myself this past week. Actually, I haven't been myself for a very long time.
The past month, I have been making shit decisions. I have been a bad person, a bad girlfriend, a bad employe, and a bad Christian. The last thing, I will leave up to God to deal with. He knows how sincere I am when I say I'm sorry. He know just how sorry, and He only will be the one the judge me for that.
The first 3 things though, I'll have to deal with myself.
Firstly, a bad employe, done. Since I got firred, I'm not an employe anymore. Ergo, I can't be a bad one either. I swear that once I do find a job again, I will be the best, hardest working, mostly friendly and engaged employe ever. I will never do anything like that again.
Second, a bad girlfriend. I need to work on that real bad. Nicolaj deserves better, and thinking about how much I love him, it shouldn't be too hard to do. I want to be a good girlfriend. I hate getting mad over every small little thing, hate getting jealous just because he plays a game of Guitar Hero with my best friend instead of me. I want to be able to be happy just because he's happy. He's supposed to come first, not me.
Third, a bad person. How can you change who you are? This is going to be the hardest one. It is going to take a long, long time. But I want to do it. I will be thinking about this every day, trying my hardest to be as good as I can. In the end, I want to just be able to be a good person without having to try. I want it to be my nature. I know I can be good. I used to be...

I have no idea about my weight. I haven't weighed since last Wednesday. I know I have gained a ton though, 'cause I've been eating a lot, and purging way too little compared to that. Plus, I can see it. I had finally lost enough that people were noticing, and  now I have ruined it all just days before the party I'm going too. Which is tomorrow. Nicolaj's 18th birthday party.
I'm fasting today. And again tomorrow. I only have a bunch of alcoholic sodapops, so even though I don't eat, I won't be getting too drunk for it to be fun for others. I will be drunk though. Dammit I'm going to have fun. I need to. My life has been so hard the past month or so. I have wondered several times if it's worth it. I have even been standing with the pills in my hand. I have them if I need them. If it gets too bad.
Nicolaj is the only thing keeping me alive right now...


I have started thinking about Ana and Mia in weird ways. Yesterday, they were both sitting on my shoulders, one on each side, like the devils and angels you always see in cartoons. Ana was the angel, telling me that I was strong, that I should choose the light and food-less path. On the other side, the devil in Mia's form kept wispering in my ear that it would be okay if I ate all of it, 'cause I could just purge it anyway.
I have thought about writing down some of the stories my mind makes up about Ana and Mia. I seriously think in stories sometimes. Real "he said, she said" stories. It is so weird. But sometimes, something beautiful comes out of it. I would like to share with you, but only if you want to read it?

My psycology teacher is talking about how illnesses and diseases easily can become a fashion. She started out with crisis, then stress. Anorexia. Cutting.
I'm sitting next to my ED friend. I swear, I couldn't even get myself to look at her. Instead, I looked around. I wanted to see people's reaction. I though that maybe I could read something from that. Think if someone in this room right now if suffering from some sort of eating disorder? We all know how alone you feel all the time. Think if we were both sitting here, thinking the same thoughts, feeling the same panic at the teacher's even mentioning it. And we will never even know. 

Somehow, I always have the ability to make every situation much worse than it is. It's an amazing talent, how easily and fast I can make myself depressed...



I can't deny that I have become rather bulimic lately.
I can't help it.
I someone asked you to stop fasting, restricting, smoking, what-do-I-know, told you about how unhealthy it is. Would it make a difference?
I don't think so...

I love you girls. I really do. And I am very sorry for having been so abscent and weird lately. Everything has just gone to hell here.
I hope you girls are doing better.
I hope that next time you hear from me, it'll have gone better.
I love you all.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Rules

1) Always say no to food. Don't buy it either, or borrow money to buy it for.

2) When you eat, throw up afterwards. All of it. No matter how hard it is.

3) Become thin. Methods doesn't matter, as long as you get there.


Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat 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Friday, November 18, 2011

Wednesday I binged and gained.
Thursday, I fasted and lost.
Today I started out fasting, the ending up eating a bit and purge, and the eating without purging.

I got fired from my job today. I spend more than 1000 kroner (convert it yourself, I really can't be bothered). The money wan't mine. I stole the from a costumer, using his card.

I have done a lot of bad things in my life.
But this tops everything.

I cut when I got home. And, I told my mom that I was bulimic, the easiest way to explain that I have an eating disorder.
My dad will be home in 20 minuts, and then we'll have to tell him too.

I'm going away for the weekend.
Even if my dad won't allow me.

If you don't hear from me ever again, assume that I have killed myself.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Weekly weigh-in + I'm not "fat" anymore...

CW: 82,7 kg/182,3 lbs (BMI 29,7)
Loss: 1,9 kg/4,2 lbs
GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
 
I did it girls! I really, really did it! My BMI is officially beneath 30, which means that I am not "fat" any more. I'm just overweight.
Of course I'm still fat, I know that. I'm so close to 30 that it doesn't really count. And of course, I don't go from fat not not-fat in one week - wish I did. But I don't.
But still, just the fact. I mean, BMI doesn't mean much to me, but it's just such a victory that I can't help but feel I've achieved something. Something big!
I have been beneath 30 before. And I ruined it, absolutely shattered it. I will not do that again. I never, mark my words NEVER go back over again. Never again shall I be clinical fat. Never never never never never never!!!

Oh, and that's why i bought the Ben & Jerry's. To celebrate. Plus, I made my goal (a goal that I gave myself Monday) of reaching beneath 83 kg/182,9 lbs by this weigh-in. I have already eaten and purged my lunch. I have decided not to purge the ice cream, 'cause that would just take away the joy of eating it. Plus, it takes me waaay more than 30 minuts to eat the whole thing, 'cause it keep melting, and then I have to put it in the freezer again. So it can take a while, haha :)

 
Today is a good day. In some ways. I'm in a real good mood. Sadly, that also means eating without feeling guilty. Which is what I'm doing at the exact moment. But boy, is this sandwich goooood!It's been so long since I've enjoyed eating enough to not even think about purging. I want this sandwich in my stomac, it's that good!
I'll probably regret later, and then want to purge, but it'll be too late. And then I'll end up purging the ice cream anyway. I just know I will, because I know myself.
But right now, I can't seem to fucking care.

Something amazing happend yesterday. I wrote all that stuff about being a bad girlsfriend, and not being able to feel the love that I know I have for Nicolaj, right? Well, I saw him last night because he was down bu the scouts - his mom is our leader, and he was helping out planning something. And as soon as I saw him, a huge smile just came across my face, my heart began beating faster, butterflies apperead inside my stomac. We even had a water fight! We laughed, and we chased eachother, and he made me so happy. We spend one hour that night just laying in my bed talking, his arm around me the whole time. It was so movie like, I can't believe it!
It's like, I go a month without talking about it, hoping it will go away, and it doesn't.
Then I talk to you guys about it, and the next time I see him, all gone! And of course I told him about it too. I don't want to have any secrets from him, so I just let him read what I wrote in here to you guys. And he took it so well, since I kept assuring him that I didn't feel like that at all.
Maybe I should just tell you girls about every single problem I have, and hope that they just magivally dissapear, huh? :)


So girls, break is over, and I gotta go make some serious school work.
We're working in independent groups today, and we're only two in mine.
Me, and my awesome ED friend (just because I know she'll read this).

I love you girls.
I really, really, really do!
So much :)

Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!
- Bella

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Playing it safe

Pretty much fucked up yesterday after I'd made that post. Ate more, purged more. Sucked more.
When I got on the scales this morning, there was only a small loss, compared to what I'd hoped for. And tomorrow is my weigh in. i only need to lose the same amount as I did yesterday, and I will have earned that Ben & Jerry's I bought yesterday. It is both a celebration reward (for what, you'll know tomorrow) and a carrot. You know, like in the cartoons, where they put carrots on a stick and then tie it to the horses. That kind of carrot. Only, instead it is delicious ice cream. Ben & Jerry's is really really expensive here in DK, because it's such a huge succes in the US, so I don't buy it very often, and I've only tasted 3 or 4 of them. Every time I do something that makes me really think I deserves it, I award myself with a new flavour. This time, it is New York Super Fudge Chunck - I still haven't had Chocolate Fudge Brownie, 'cause they never have it in my local 7-eleven! So mad about that, that's the one I want to try the most! That will be my award for reaching 70 kg/154,3 lbs I think :)

Okay, and now enough with the binge-causing talk.
What I was trying to say when I started that was, that today, I'm playing it safe (title relation!). If I must binge, please leave it for after tomorrow!
Tuesdays are always the worst, 'cause I know that what I eat today is so important for my weigh-in tomorrow. I can't gain. I need to lose so little to earn my Ben & Jerry's, and I'll be so devasteted if I don't make it! Not because of the ice cream. Because I set a total realistic goal, and I am now so close that I can fucking taste it. If I don't make it, it'll break my heart.
Wow. This will so cause me to purge if I eat anything to bring me over 500. Plus the scouts-meeting (for the little ones, the "beavers" we call them) has been moved forward. This means I can't make it, which is sad, but it also means that I don't have to be at the hut until 7pm. Can you say G - Y - M?


I'm having social sience again, sitting here looking at this tall, thin bohemian chick from my calss. The natural type, the one who wears loose cardigans, eart colours, and has her natural blond-ish hair on top of her head.
She has the most wonderful collarbones I've ever seen. As she sits back in ther chair, leaning back with her head held a bit forward, they stick out practicly from shoulder to shoulder. They're beautiful. I want them...

Sometimes, I feel like a bad girlfriend. I chose to go to the gym in order to see Nicolaj 3 hours earlier, I don't really text him unless he text me first. When we're toether, my mind is elsewhere. Sometimes, I have a hard time loving him. Recently, I have more and more often found no satisfaction in seeing him, being with him. I haver never enjoyed our sex. I've never enjoyed sex at all, it's not just him. I just can't.
I can't be losing  my love for him. Girls, he is THE ONE. Every cell in my body was made for him, him only. I was made for being with him forever, having his children, making his life easier. Better. Just the very thought of leaving him makes something deep inside my ache. So why is it that I can't find these feelings when I'm with him? When he text me, why can't I seem to care what he has to say?
I love him, I know I do. Somewhere deep inside, there is a love like no other. I just can't seem to pull it out anymore. I can't seem to think past gym, food, calories, skinny.
I can't believe he's sticking with me. He is worth so much more, he could have so much better.
He doesn't want to admit it. I'm just scarred someday he'll realize I'm wrong.
I can't function without him.
I just can't feel anything right now.

I have gone numb.
I am never happy anymore
I am never sad either.
I don't care about my friends. My family. Not even my boyfriend...
Sometimes I cry, in the hope that I will feel something.
I cut.
I binge and I purge. I enjoy purging. For a short time, I feel like I can so something right.
I have tried starving. But all that makes me feel is hunger. I don't like hunger.
I like feeling empty though.

I feel Mia calling me. And though I have only known her for a short time, I already adore her.
But Ana has been with me so much longer. She has always spoken to me. My love for her is so deep. I don't know if I'm ready to give her up. Though I never belonged to her anyway.

This picture reminds me of Ana and Mia. I imagine Ana as the blond one, Mia as the dark-haired one.
See, they can exist happily together?

I have gone mad.
And I can't even seem to care about that anymore.

I truly am sorry for this confusing ramble girls. My mood went from in the skies to the bottom at the ocean while writing this post. Shit happens.

I would say I love you.
But I don't know if you'll believe me after my long rambling about not feeling anything, anymore.
I do care about you. You are part of my ED related thoughts.
You are the only ones I seem to be able to care about at the moment.
I love you girls.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Monday, November 14, 2011

What a pretty butterfly...

Well, I have one more story that I though I'd tell you. You already knows everything about me eating disorder. I have told you about my dad and his depression, I have told you about Maiken and me & Nicolaj's relationship. But I have another story. This one goes way back, back to before I even fell in love with Nicolaj, and eating disorders were something belonging only to the Hollywood-supermodels.
This is the story about me and cutting.

I can still remember the first time I cut. Me and my (at that time) best friend Katrine had skipped out on class, without been given permision by our parrents. We were soooo cool for that. We were in 5th grade, both 11 years old. We were alone at my house, talking and laughing like we always did. At my small table was a knife. I was a very small one that I had made myself on a course with scouts. I picked it up and began playing with it, drawing on my skin with those white little lines that comes when something sharp is drawned against your skin. I noticed how it didn't hurt at all. That was funny. So I started to scratch in the same place. Didn't hurt. Funny. I showed Katrine the very small wound that I hade made, told her it didn't hurt a thing, and she was like "cool enough, but I won't do it". That day, I scratched maybe 5 or 6 wounds into my left hand. I even showed it to some of my classmates. They were soooo cool, and I was totally milking the attention I was given.
Then, I don't remember how long went by without me cutting. The next time I remember isn't until 7th grade, but I know that I did it a couple of times in those two years. You see, I was a wannabe emo. I really really really wanteed to be emo soooo bad. My dad was so pissed. I wore dark clothes, safety pins and badges all over me clothes, fingerless gloves with skulls on them, fishnet gloves and stockings. I was so bad ass. And of course I'd goggled emo a thousand times. I knew that, in order to be real emo, you had to cut (I was very young girls...), so of course I did it.
Well, about that time in 7th grade. It's an important one.
I remember that it had something to do with my dad, probably another argument or so. I was 13, which is also at the age that I first started to go onto online pro ana sites, skipping both breakfast and lunch, then binging massivly every second day or so. I had cut two fine lines on the side of my wrist, and I hid them by wearing fishnet-gloves that day. But of course, I just had to get some attention, so I told my (at that time) best friend Adda, who was this really innocent and really really sweet girl. But then she told some of our common friends, and soon, 5 or 6 persons knew. 2 of them decided to go to our main teacher with it. She pulled me out that same day to talk about it with me...

After that, it really took of. I went from cutting once or twice a month, to doing it several times a week. I made sure that I always had at least one wound that wasn't all healed. In 7th and 8th grade, there wasn't any system in it. I would just cut whenever I felt like it, and I'd make one or several deep red cuts at some random place on my left arm. Never on the wrist. It was always on the upperside of my arm. Still is.
In 9th grade, I realized that it wasn't going to go away any time soon, so I started organizing my scars. Now, I have a huge bunch in a long even row, on top of the old ones. There's a pretty even row, and then out of no where, 5 or 6 scars cuts in and break the symmetry.

I have gotten more creative over the years. The last couple of years, if I haven't been adding to my now two evern rowes (on on the top of my arm, one on the side) I have written, or even made motives.
I have a huge scar saying "FAT" on my left leg. I've got a big hard on my left heart, the actual hand. And now, just below that heart, I have a butterfly. 

Whenever I see this scar, I will always be reminded of you girls...


Took some quick pictures. They are in very poor quality, but's so dark here, I can't do any better today. Sorry :/

 Very bad light. Can you see the heart? :/
 My left arm. And this is in bad light. On a good pictures, there's 3 times a many scars...
 Leg...
The new one...


-------------------------------------------
Bought myself a Ben & Jerry's today. Saving it fow Wednesday, after my weigh-in. Since it's not an official day, I can't tell you why I've bought it. I will point it out for you Wednesday, when my weekly weigh-in post comes up.

Today, I've eaten a sandwhich with egg and mayo - I don't want to think about the calories. But I didn't purge! I've also eaten 7 rice cakes with cheese. Purged not even half of that 'cause I remembered in the middle of it that I wasn't supposed to purge today.

Today has been a bad day.
I'll write you agian tomorrow.

I love you. My butterflies.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Binging and purging-mode

On.

Yeah, yesterday was a binging day. Almost without purging, since I never stopped eating long enough to purge. So. Fucking. Fat!
So I went on the scales this morning, in an attempt to scare myself to stop. And it was very much lower than I had even dreamed. This is good, right? No. No, 'cause today I have been eating like a pig, purging after everything I eat of course. Seriously, I have already ourged 4 times today, and I still have 2 pieces of pizza and a lot of candy bars left. I purge every half hour, 'cause longer, I won't make myself walk around with food in my stomac. I'm scarred it'll be too late if I wait any more. Plus, if I eat something I haven't tried purging before, I go do it as well. I need to know what I can purge and what I can't. I though crisps would be really, really easy, right? No. Crisps and chocolate are very hard to get up if it's something that I've eaten alone. Fluids and firm foods. So I'm eating pizza and chocolate, purging, eating more pizza and chocolate, purging some more. I know it's bad, and I promise, I'll try to not purge as much. But as long as I'm in this binging mode, I need to be able to purge. I will gain all that weight back! That's why I discovered purging from the beginnig.

So, the upcoming week, I will try and go on a resticted diet, with no purging allowed. I really need to lose this habbit, 'cause I seriously purge 2-3 times a day. A month after purging first time. It is highly addicting to me. Being able to eat if I get hungry, and whatever I want... I honestly don't think I'll be able to give it up again. I have already lost so much weight just by purging every time I eat more than I should! And there is nothing I want more than losing weight...


Lately I have noticed hwo everything in my life is centering around my eating disorder. At first, I was capeable of ignoring it when I knew I had to. I could think of other things in school, and I could hide it away inside me. The only time I would ever notice it was when it was eating time. But now, I can't focus in school because I spend all day on Blogger, searching thinspo, or something else ED-related. Every book I read, every movie I see automaticly because 10 times better if I find out there's an eating disordered character in it. I even watch series and movies just because som bi-role in it has an eating disorder. And music...
Music used to be my whole world. I would listen to it all the time. It was my way of coping. There was a song for every mood, every single emotion. Now, the only music I listen to is ED-related music. Songs about anorexia, bulimia, SI (I SI too, so that one goes anyway), about not being good enough, about fighting an endless fight. I don't go by genre any more. I go by how ED it is. My - fucking - music!
This eating disorder had totally taken over my life. But no matter how much I hate that fact, no matter how much I miss how much easier life once were... I can't give up my eating disorder. Never. It will really be with my until I die, and that even if it isn't the eating disorder that kills me.
I don't want to die. But I can't be fat any more. I must be thin. Skinny. Bony.

Just purged the last pizza. I'm thinking about eating a candy bar without purging it. They're 235 each, and filled with sugar and other deliciousness. I though that I'd eat that and skip dinner, just so that I have something to go on, you know? I don't know. It's chocolate...

I really need to stop purging. My throat is burning.
Okay, so tomorrow, fruit and chocolate only. i don't know why the chocolate, but of course, I won't eat more than 500 worth of chocolate. I will not be counting the calories in the fruit. That'll just stress me out. And then I'll just end up purging. And that's exacly what I'm trying not to do...


 Okay, I'm pretty much just repeating myself by now, so I'll just go play some Monster World on Facebook instead.
Until next time, take care lovelies!
I love you all so much!
Even if I don't comment all that much. I really am sorry about that. I just find it hard to find the time, so sometimes I choose to update instead of commenting. But I do read, I promise! Never doubt that!
I love you...
Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!
- Bella

Friday, November 11, 2011

Gaining power every hour, one more pound, I know I can win.

So, yesterday was a disaster. I had an apple and 3 rice crackers for lunch, then 3 ricecrackers more as a snack. One sausage roll that I purged. The 3 that I almost didn't purge. I tried, but I was at work. How fucked up am I? I actually purge up by the counter when there wasn't any costumers. If my work knew this, they would fire me!
Anyway, then had some duck, potatoes, potato chips and some sauce for dinner - my dad's birthdaydinner. Purged the dinner. Then ate a Corny bar because I got stressed when my grandparrents called and asked my parrents to come over because they'd had a break-in while at our house to celebrate my dad. Tried purging, but almost didn't get anything out. After that, my throat was burning so bad. I think some of my stomac acid came up and decided to stay in my throat. It was so bad.
When I got up and on the scales, I had gained. And that's it. Purging is okay, as long as I still lose weight. But now that I am gaining, I need to do some serious restricting. So I'm fasting today. And there's no way I'll break it. Binging and purging will not be tolerated. There is no other option. Starving, it is.

Random memory: I remember in 5th grade, we were having a project week. The main topic was "this is wrong", and my subtopic was suicide- which also gave me a lot of dark thoughts, but that's not what this memory is about. No, I remember that 3 other girls had chosen eating disorders as their subtopic. One day, one of them read out to me something from a book she had, that was a collection of food diaries from anorexics. It was like, morning, 1 bun. Lunch, 1 pear. Dinner, 1 beer. Fasting the next day. And I was like "oh, I could totally do that too!". She didn't believe me. Then durring her presentation, she showed us all this picture of an anorexic model, and we were all, including me, like "oh eeeew! That is so ugly!".
Just found the picture on google, and I can't see anything but beauty. But it's the same picture, and I know that I once believe that that was so fucking ugly, and that I couldn't even begin to imagine what drove women to do that! Am I the only one who has ever experienced something like this? I am so puzzled at this realization.

This picture! It was this picture!

Ever since I first got eating disordered, I have had this dream.
You see, in my eyes, anorexics are glamorous. They are untouchable to be. I can never reach them. They're like movie stars. I know they exist, but I'll never be able to see them in real life. I'll never be able to talk to them, touch them, be them. So of course, I have always wanted to be one myself. But now that I have discovered purging, I am getting more and more bulimic. I have never even thought about bulimics like that, and I have never ever dreamt of being one myself. They have always been second to anorexics. Anorexics have self-controle, they can go for days without eating, weeks and months without gaining. Bulimics... They're out of controle. That's why they have to purge. Because they can't controle themselfs. They eat and eat, and then try to undo the damage after it has been done. Anorexics doesn't have to. They wont do the damage from the begining. Can you understand why anorexic sounds more atracting than bulimic to me?
Now, what do I do with all theese thoughts? What's my conclusion, since I just spend loads of time on writing all that crap here? I don't know. I just felt like sharing. I guess the truth is just that I really really wish to be anorexic, but I'm a weak one, so instead I'm mostly either bulimic or just binging without purging. Forever second, third, fourth, 1000 miles from what I really want, what I'm striving to be. Forever failure.

Thanks for all the advice on my last post girls. I really appreciate it, and be sure that I will try them all! I can't believe I have 107 followers, all willing to read all this meaningless crap that I post, give me advice, give me comfort. Someone who will never judge me, no matter how wrong I do. I have never though of myself as an inspirering person, and specially not in the eating disorder community, because of my huge weight and fat procent. I never thought I'd be one of those popular bloggers with a three-digit number of followers. I never expected just one, to be honest. I will never give you up girls. Never! I promise!


Fighting for the smallest goal to, gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom nor dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes? 
 
Lots of love.
- Bella

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Weekly-weigh in + Busy busy busy

CW: 84,6 kg/186,5 lbs (BMI 30,3)
Loss: 2,0 kg/4,4 lbs
GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
 
So, that ED girl from my class just went craaaaazy when I told her I hadn't even made my blog-entry yet. So I thought I'd better do it. Plus, it's 9.15pm and I haven't told you about my weight-loss yet. 
I am so happy that I have finaly found a way that works. I don't care about how I do it, how dangerous it as and all that crap. Seriously, stop the hypocriting (is that a word?). You girls probably all say that you will do whatever it takes to get skinny too, right? So no judging, ay?

So, Today have been a busy busy busy day. Got up at 8.30am (laaazy), went to work at 10am, got of 4pm, was home 4.30pm, gym 5pm, home again 6.45pm and have been baking cookies until 9.15pm. I teel you girls, baking 90 cookies when you can only have 12 in the oven is REALLY a long process! Like, I have spend 2½ hour baking cookies that I am not going to eat myself?! Luckily, I have some awesome friends, and two of them stopped by to keep me company until 8 :)
Today ahs been a good day. Ate nothing for breakfast, 2 rice-crackers with cheese (38 each) for lunch. Then ate 4 bites of pork roast, some crisps and some hard drops. Purged that in the sink of the lunch-room at my work, then realized that when you purge, the food isn't digested yet. Therefore, I had to stand there and remove my own vomit from the sink and into the trashcan. Yay me for being so smart, huh? Well, had 3 more rice crackers with cheese when I got home (38 each - still) and 1 cookie (200). Then had 2 spring rolls that I purged, simply because it was a whole meal, and I don't like the thought of having eaten a whole meal. So I don't know how bad it is, but it can't be too bad, right?


I have found a new game on Facebook that I am becoming addicted to. Monster World, anybody? Some of the monsters are sooo cute (of course, min had to be the ugliest posible, and it costs real money to change the look ._.), and the plants are sooo cool! It's like, diamond, and candycanes, and lemonade bottle, and magic lamps and stuff! I'm totally feeling at home in that world, lol!

Yesterday, I realized something that made me real upset. First, a background story: as you may have noticed, I dye my hair a lot. I have been dyeing - dying (?) it regularly since I was 14. That meaning, for 3 years I have dyed it at least once a month, but the last 2 years, it has more been like, two times a month. Which means that, even with all the hair-care products I use, my hair is pretty worn out. The yesterday, when I was down at the scouts, we were making theese bookmarks (dried flowers in laminate), and the kids kept removing some long black hairs from the cases. One of them stood up and looked me in the heair, and told me that I was getting bald. I am not, but me real haircolor is light blond, so when you dye it black, the out-growing can be spotted pretty quick, and I look almost bald when they get long. I told the kid this, and they were just like, "okay, cool". Then when I got home, I sat in the living room with my parrents. My dad went out into the kitchen to get something to drink, and when he got back, he stood behind me and played with my hair, suddenly exclaiming: "maybe you should take a break from all the hair-dying. You're hair has gotten really really thin!".
I know that for most eating disorder - at least those who are as fucked as me - get this problem because of the lack of nutrition. But seriously girls, I really really don't wanna be bald at the age of 20!!! Do you girls have any advice on what I can do? I already spend tons of hair-care products and expensive shampoos that should make it heal. I was thinking more about, do you know which vitamins and minerals are important for the hair? I believe it's the same as the nails, which would be calcium, right? But I honestly don't know! Advise guys, please! :(


There was something else I wanted to tell you... Something I needed advise on too, I think. But I really, really canøt remember!
Let me gues - it will come to me as soon as I have posted this, right?
Let's try it!

I love you guys so much. But I tell you that every time.
I still mean it, none-the-less.
I really do love you. Like, true love. Deep emotional love, comming all the way from my stomac.
You aer so wonderful :)
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Can you hear me? Fly! Butterfly, say bye-bye.

Don't ask me why, I don't know. I was just thinking about butterflies!

I am doing good at the moment girls. I'm actually losing. I have tried out so many diets, and every time they have worked out the same - small or no loss at all, then gaining afterwards. But now, now girls, it's working! I'm not following a diet. I don't even make plans for the tomorrow, the today, not even for the next meal. I eat when I feel like I can't starve any more, and I puge if I eat something that I know will make me gain. It's so simple. I can't believe I didn't do this from the start. Imagine what I could weigh by now then? What I will weigh in one month, six months, one year? I'm so startled at the thought. I can't wait to see!

I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. Though I better warnn you, my post will be later than usually 'cause it's OD-day. It's this day that is once a year, where every gymnasium-student (it's like the two last years in high-school and first year at college I think?) gets a choice: you can get one day of school without absence, or you can spend 5 hours working and donate the money to a good cause. The cause changes every year, and this year it's Peru. It's like, they have a lot of small, poor villages lying spread in the jungle, the originals in Peru. Their water are poisened 'cause of factories laying near-by, but they are so poor, they have no other opportunity than drinking the poisened water and work for the same factories that poisened their water. It's so surealistic. I can't even start to imagine living like that.
As you may already have concluded from my little speach, I'm working for Peru. Good thing is, I won't be able to eat durring the 6 hours I'm actually due at work. Bad thing is, I will be updating late, since I have no acces to a computer. But I will update!


I'm sooo hungry! But I have promised myself I won't waste my money on food there at the school, when I can be home in a few hours and have something completely for free! I already bought an apple here, and it wasn't even good. Total waste of money. So I guess I'll just have to hang in a bit longer.
Also, I have found myeslf to purge even if I eat beneath the 800 calorie limit I made myself. So now I have decided that, same as all those diets, I just doesn't work good with plans. So I won't plan it. If I feel like purging whatever I just ate, I'll do it. There'll probably be a reason why I want to purge it, right?
It's over with me and rules. From now on, I'll do whatever the fuck I want to. It's clearly working, and has been for over a week (a week is a long time for me to follow same diet/plan), so why not?

Went to the gym yesterday, but was feeling real lazy, and at the same time, I was really busy, so I ended up doing 10 minuts on the exercise bike and 10 minuts on the treadmill, then just tonning for the rest. Sigh. Scouts tonigh, gym again tomorrow (after work) and Thursday. Work Friday and Sunday. Oh God, it's only Tuesday, and I feel like I've already spend my whole week. How did I get that busy? And if you notice girls, homework aren't even included in that. That's because I never make them. I'm so never going to graduate. I can't even bother. Can't think of anything but skinny-skinny-skinny-skinny-skinny. Double sigh.


Damn I'm hungry!
Maybe I'll end up spending the money anyway.
I have gotten so weak after starting to purge.
So hungry all the time.
Non-resticting.

Oh, and another birthday in my class = more cake.
But I won't fucking eat that shit.
No thanks.
I don't even feeli like it?
Hmm...

Well, for now, take care of yourself all my lovely butterflies.
I love you all so much!
Love-love-love-love-love-love...
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Sunday, November 6, 2011

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose? Your insecurities try to alter you. You know you're made for more!

Britt Nicole has been taking over every playlist on my computer, Youtube, my Ipod, everywhere! I have fallen in love with how inspering her songs always are, so full of hope. Seriously, it is in every song she has made! Sad, happy, funny, every single one of her songs is about finding hope. Wether it's in God, in yourself or in humanity doesn't matter. It just hits me straight in the heart.
I like the thought that there is always some sort of hope. That no matter how dark things look, somewhere, there's a reason to keep on going, keep believing that life is worth living. I always try to look on the bright side of everything. But as every day goes by, I find that my eating disorder takes over more and more, and pushes everything else out of my head. As each day goes by, I find myself having a little bit harder believing that everything will be alright eventually.
That's why it's so reasuring for me to listen to this kind of music. It gets a tiny bit easier to believe every time I listen to her songs. I want to believe.

My weekend has been weird. Friday and first part of Saturday was very much stressing, but at the same time, that was the best part of my weekend. Went straight to work from school, and then straight down to the scouts hut (there was a sleep-over down by the hut for the small ones that I'm leader for. I had totally forgot!). Got less that 4 hours of sleep that night, and then it was up and start over. Do you guys have any idea how much energy kids have? It's horrible!
Anyway. When I got home Saturday, I took a shower and got ready for the party that I went to the same night. Yesterday night. But honestly, I just didn't feel like it. I had lots of booze, but none of the stuff that I wanted, and I was very drained after the sleep-over, and most of the people at the party, I didn't really like. I went home with Nicolaj when it was 1am, 'cause I seriously was so bored I was falling asleep.
Then, at Nicolaj's place, we just got in the bed and got ready to sleep, and all of the sudden, he totally breaks down. He kept telling me how much he misses the old me, how much I've changed lately. The eating disorder again... After that, we had make up sex. Except he couldn't. This doesn't happen to him a lot, but it happens. And every single time, I can't help but thinking that it's because of me, that he's so bothered with how fat and unatrractive I am that he can't even get it up. (Sorry if this is tmi, I just really needed to get this of my chest).
So today, I just stayed home with my mom. We watched some TV and I made chocolate chip cookies. This is big for me girls, I never ever bake, and when I do, it's the sort of stuff where you just have to add water and bake it. But I made theese from scratch (not that hard), nearly burned the first batch, then made some more. They got so much bigger than I had imagined. Seriously, they're huge! They got pretty good. I did have one that I purged again afterwards though.



Oh, by the way, I didn't eat the cake! I said yes to have it because my friend asked me to, and then I gave her my pieces, though that cake looked sooo good. I mean, there's always a lot of cake going around in my class, but this one looked absolutely amazing. But I gave it away. I think I'm getting better.
Eating wise, my weekend has been alright. I don't know.
I have stopped craving bad things. I don't want crisps, or chocolate, or candy, or cake anymore. But I'm so hungry all the time, I keep eating! I only eat salad, soup and whole lot of bread (salad and soup, good. Bread, bad). And when I go over my allowed limit, I purge. I wouldn't say I'm binging. I'm just eating 4 times a day or so. I have totally lost my willpower! It's so so bad! I can't seem to find it, no matter how hard I try. The last 3 weeks or so have been like that, ever since I realized how to purge. I started eating after finding out, and then when I wanted to go back to resticting, my willpower had dissapeared. In such a short amount of time!
I have no idea what to do. I'm so lost. I have tried fasting every single day for the last week, and every day I have ended up eating so much I had to purge it. WHERE IS MY FUCKING WILLPOWER? I WANT IT BAAACK!!!!!!! :'(

I'm so tired of being weak. I wish I could fast tomorrow, but seriously, I had dinner 1½ hour ago, and I'm already starving again. What the fuck happend?
I just have to slowly fight my way back. I can't make it happen from day to day. I think I'll make a calorie limit for tomorrow sounding 500. It's been too long since I counted my calories. I will tomorrow. And I will write them in here, I will update if I eat after I have already posted, and to make sure I won't go over limit, purging will not be allowed tomorrow. I have to find Ana, and I have to find her soon, 'cause I'm so sick of being stuck in this fat, fat body. I seriously need to lose some weight, and I need to do it fast!

Oh, and gym tomorrow. Haven't been since Wednesday. I'm actually missing it. Me, missing gym?! Now I know for sure that my eating disorder have eveloped! Haha :)




Dearest girls.
I will be leaving you now.
Thank you so much for the wonderful comments you left me Sam, Ell and Thin Thoughts. It means so much to me. I love you all so much :)
I love all of you!
Jeg elsker jer! <3
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
Sending you lots of love!
- Bella

Friday, November 4, 2011

It's FRIDAY, FRIDAY!

Feeling a bit Rebecca Black today...

Of course, I know I'm going to fail again some time. Of course, I know that I can't change just like that. I was just so sick and tired of being so weak last time I wrote you girls.
I am so much more greatful for all your wonderful comments than I would ever be able to tell you. Really, they mean the world to me. The first time I logged onto Blogger after the last post, and saw all the support, the kind words, the assurance that I can still be a good person... That I'm only human... You girls really made me cry. And Ell even mae me chuggle a bit, which I did not think I was capabel to at that time. Thank you so much lovelies! You are all so wonderful!

So, the two last days have both been good and bad. Both Wednesday and Thursday, I binged an purged. But the only thing I ate both those days were those binges, and since I got most of it out, I have managed to lose a bit weight, despite the binging.
Next week, I'll be doing Russian Gymnast Diet with the girl from my class I told you about. It'll only be 7 days, so I'm pretty sure I'll be able to stick to it. Fruit and I are best friends, so that shouldn't be very hard. (If anyone care to join, feel welcome, though I know that most of you don't like/believe in that diet.)
After that... Who knows? I will not try SGD or ABC until I have gotten better at restricting. The next month or more will be all about cutting down on the food, and doing so without binging all the time the way I do now.



I didn't go to the gym yesterday, as I had planned. There's really no excuse, I was just too lazy. So of course, today I feel like shit. I'm eating fruit while in school today, and then at work, I hope I'll be able to find some sort of müslibar or so that I can have for dinner. If not, then it's Cola Zero only, and then some soup when I get home. Honestly girls, I'm in a dangerous mood. In the I-don't-give-a-shit-I-don't-want-to-think-about-this-mood. I need to keep focused all the time, 'cause if I don't, I eat. I just can't be bothered with all this shit. I have no spare-time what-so ever at the moment, with school, gym, work and scouts, and the bit I do have, I spend with Nicolaj, either fighting or making up (which includes being all cuddly and stuff, and having sex). After I found out I can purge, I have just been like "well, if I do binge, at least I can just purge". I don't believe I'm turning bulimic, but the though of resticting is just very unappealing when this stressed.

Oh, and a girl in my class is having birthday, so of course, she's brought cake. Seriously, I don't believe I'll be able to say no to a piece. She has planned that we all eat it in the last class today. Friday, last class, right before work. How the fuck am I to say no to that? I'm just to fat and weak right now.
No, I am not. I will not eat the damn cake! I am not weak. I will not be.
The end.


Dearest girls,
I always suck at ending my posts.
So today, I'm gonna do it like this.
More sucking.

I love you girls.
So, so much!
Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!
- Bella