Friday, November 11, 2011

Gaining power every hour, one more pound, I know I can win.

So, yesterday was a disaster. I had an apple and 3 rice crackers for lunch, then 3 ricecrackers more as a snack. One sausage roll that I purged. The 3 that I almost didn't purge. I tried, but I was at work. How fucked up am I? I actually purge up by the counter when there wasn't any costumers. If my work knew this, they would fire me!
Anyway, then had some duck, potatoes, potato chips and some sauce for dinner - my dad's birthdaydinner. Purged the dinner. Then ate a Corny bar because I got stressed when my grandparrents called and asked my parrents to come over because they'd had a break-in while at our house to celebrate my dad. Tried purging, but almost didn't get anything out. After that, my throat was burning so bad. I think some of my stomac acid came up and decided to stay in my throat. It was so bad.
When I got up and on the scales, I had gained. And that's it. Purging is okay, as long as I still lose weight. But now that I am gaining, I need to do some serious restricting. So I'm fasting today. And there's no way I'll break it. Binging and purging will not be tolerated. There is no other option. Starving, it is.

Random memory: I remember in 5th grade, we were having a project week. The main topic was "this is wrong", and my subtopic was suicide- which also gave me a lot of dark thoughts, but that's not what this memory is about. No, I remember that 3 other girls had chosen eating disorders as their subtopic. One day, one of them read out to me something from a book she had, that was a collection of food diaries from anorexics. It was like, morning, 1 bun. Lunch, 1 pear. Dinner, 1 beer. Fasting the next day. And I was like "oh, I could totally do that too!". She didn't believe me. Then durring her presentation, she showed us all this picture of an anorexic model, and we were all, including me, like "oh eeeew! That is so ugly!".
Just found the picture on google, and I can't see anything but beauty. But it's the same picture, and I know that I once believe that that was so fucking ugly, and that I couldn't even begin to imagine what drove women to do that! Am I the only one who has ever experienced something like this? I am so puzzled at this realization.

This picture! It was this picture!

Ever since I first got eating disordered, I have had this dream.
You see, in my eyes, anorexics are glamorous. They are untouchable to be. I can never reach them. They're like movie stars. I know they exist, but I'll never be able to see them in real life. I'll never be able to talk to them, touch them, be them. So of course, I have always wanted to be one myself. But now that I have discovered purging, I am getting more and more bulimic. I have never even thought about bulimics like that, and I have never ever dreamt of being one myself. They have always been second to anorexics. Anorexics have self-controle, they can go for days without eating, weeks and months without gaining. Bulimics... They're out of controle. That's why they have to purge. Because they can't controle themselfs. They eat and eat, and then try to undo the damage after it has been done. Anorexics doesn't have to. They wont do the damage from the begining. Can you understand why anorexic sounds more atracting than bulimic to me?
Now, what do I do with all theese thoughts? What's my conclusion, since I just spend loads of time on writing all that crap here? I don't know. I just felt like sharing. I guess the truth is just that I really really wish to be anorexic, but I'm a weak one, so instead I'm mostly either bulimic or just binging without purging. Forever second, third, fourth, 1000 miles from what I really want, what I'm striving to be. Forever failure.

Thanks for all the advice on my last post girls. I really appreciate it, and be sure that I will try them all! I can't believe I have 107 followers, all willing to read all this meaningless crap that I post, give me advice, give me comfort. Someone who will never judge me, no matter how wrong I do. I have never though of myself as an inspirering person, and specially not in the eating disorder community, because of my huge weight and fat procent. I never thought I'd be one of those popular bloggers with a three-digit number of followers. I never expected just one, to be honest. I will never give you up girls. Never! I promise!

Fighting for the smallest goal to, gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom nor dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes? 
Lots of love.
- Bella


  1. I too always saw bulimics as second to anorexics. Mentally I am (or lately 'was' seems more correct) anorexic, but not physically, that's what I'm aiming at, what to me is beauty. But I started throwing up and am afraid too of being a bulimic. Just as you described them. I know I am weak and that's why I'm bulimic, and not anorexic. I'm a failure.But I share your opinion and thoughts completely. That's exactly what's going through my mind lately, a lot.
    You have our complete support on what ever you do. We'll always be here.
    Take care, dear xoxo

  2. i Googled up rice crackers. if i purge that, all i can is: OUCH. i would never eat something like that because it looks damn painful coming up!
    i tried to purge in the THEATRE in a CUP. how sick is that?? ahahahaha. purge, purge, everywhere!
    damn, damn, damn. i think potatoes are easy to come up if they're mashed but normal ones are like...hell. and most people say meat is SO DAMN HARD to purge up.
    *Googles up corny bar* i just purged something similar to that today! was fine going out - then again, i had yoghurt with it because i know that with that type of food i'd need it. dammit. if people read this comment, they'd be all like "YOU ARE SO MIA SAM".
    I SEE THAT PICTURE A LOT. i love that picture!
    that's honestly something i've never thought of myself. for me, i've always wanted to be called a bulimic, because for me, it sounds more severe. i like the fact that they get high off purging. i have this constant visuals in my head of thin bulimics. i know bulimia doesn't really mean thinness to every bulimic but i still picture it that way. i honestly can't b/p. i ate loads the day before yesterday, purged, and purged and went on and i like to purge until the stomach acid in my body is sliding down the sink. i woke up at 7AM and purged even more because in my dream, there was this disgusting-like feeling that dawned upon me. right now, if i can't purge, i won't eat. this is why it's killing me this piece of fucking TOAST is in me and i can't purge it out. bread is damn hard for me to get out. once it's in, it's in for good. i think i'm more centered around purging right now. i can see the development of me towards that, but in the end, i can't b/p for very long like most bulimics can. i fasted yesterday because i can't look at food after that one b/p. you know? when you push yourself to get out food that WON'T get out. that's painful. it's really painful. it gets to the point where my stomach feels like exploding, i'm nauseous and i can't look at food. i'm not bulimic. but i still think them superior to anorexics. i'm right in the middle. i eat, purge and be merry but overall, right now, my intake is around 353 calories and it's 6:35PM. and i'm sick of myself because i can't purge out this damn toast.
    i love how when i comment on your blog i always get loads out of me, you know, babe? i'm sorry for ranting. <3
    ME AND MIA. <3 I FUCKING LOVE THAT SONG SO DAMN MUCH. did you listen to Marianas Trench?

    "i locked the door, turn all the water on, to bury that sound so no-one hears anything anymore..." <3 i'll link. <--first ED song i ever worshipped. very special to me.
    and PICTURE ME BROKEN. totally not a known band. ahaha. i actually knew them way before and then realised they have a song about ED!

    getting too damn long and a 3/4th of that is about me.
    -Sam Lupin♥

  3. Dearest Bella,
    This is a long one, but I want to help.

    I feel your pain, I spent 2 years on the Mia side, and I think I have officially become more ana (as I now rarely eat at all, and I'm completely happy about it)
    But anyways, I know that it is very hard to stop, So I will just say once that I know that you have the power to throw away Mia and gain the wonderful self control of Ana, I love it. Please try love.
    AND NOW, because I know that it's not that easy... here are some things that you muuuuust do to at least attempt to protect your teeth, throat, and entire body...


    1) have a glass of very concentrated baking soda in water ready for after! Swish this around in your mouth right after you vomit. Then spit. Do this at LEAST 3 times for 20 seconds. This will help to neutralize and wash away the stomach acid.

    2) After Baking soda, swish with mouthwash to freshen your breath. DO NOT BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!! When you vomit, the acid that comes up with your food IMMEDIATELY softens the enamel of your teeth, so if you brush you will also be brushing away enamel. (this is the hard substance that protects your teeth so you need it!)

    3) Have a huge bottle of water (at least 500ml) Ready to CHUG after you purge to renew your body fluids! Even better would be G2(gatorade with only 20 calories, or Powerade Zero with zero calories) These are good because they have potassium and other electrolytes. Bulimics tend to have electrolyte imbalances which can cause things like Heart Failure. So renew those electrolytes & take a multivitamin ( but do not take more then the daily recommended dose)

    4) lastly, if you are planning/ know that you are going to binge and purge, weigh yourself before you eat. Then after you eat. Then try to purge up the difference (taking in account a bit of weight to stomach acid) Then do my other steps 1-3. This way you wont weigh yourself after you have drank a tone of fluid and think that this is actual weight gain.

    Please try to stop, but these will help. It will not stop all the damage, NOT EVEN CLOSE, but at least you will be doing everything you possibly can.


  4. ps.
    add to my comment:
    I think it better to reverse steps 2 and 3. DO 3 first! Drinking a large volume of fluid will also help to rinse the acid from your throat and hopefully decrease your throat irritation.

  5. hey try to take better care of yourself. its mostly just food portion control and purging is not good. i dont want you to burn a hole in your stomach