So, I haven't been myself this past week. Actually, I haven't been myself for a very long time.
The past month, I have been making shit decisions. I have been a bad person, a bad girlfriend, a bad employe, and a bad Christian. The last thing, I will leave up to God to deal with. He knows how sincere I am when I say I'm sorry. He know just how sorry, and He only will be the one the judge me for that.
The first 3 things though, I'll have to deal with myself.
Firstly, a bad employe, done. Since I got firred, I'm not an employe anymore. Ergo, I can't be a bad one either. I swear that once I do find a job again, I will be the best, hardest working, mostly friendly and engaged employe ever. I will never do anything like that again.
Second, a bad girlfriend. I need to work on that real bad. Nicolaj deserves better, and thinking about how much I love him, it shouldn't be too hard to do. I want to be a good girlfriend. I hate getting mad over every small little thing, hate getting jealous just because he plays a game of Guitar Hero with my best friend instead of me. I want to be able to be happy just because he's happy. He's supposed to come first, not me.
Third, a bad person. How can you change who you are? This is going to be the hardest one. It is going to take a long, long time. But I want to do it. I will be thinking about this every day, trying my hardest to be as good as I can. In the end, I want to just be able to be a good person without having to try. I want it to be my nature. I know I can be good. I used to be...
I have no idea about my weight. I haven't weighed since last Wednesday. I know I have gained a ton though, 'cause I've been eating a lot, and purging way too little compared to that. Plus, I can see it. I had finally lost enough that people were noticing, and now I have ruined it all just days before the party I'm going too. Which is tomorrow. Nicolaj's 18th birthday party.
I'm fasting today. And again tomorrow. I only have a bunch of alcoholic sodapops, so even though I don't eat, I won't be getting too drunk for it to be fun for others. I will be drunk though. Dammit I'm going to have fun. I need to. My life has been so hard the past month or so. I have wondered several times if it's worth it. I have even been standing with the pills in my hand. I have them if I need them. If it gets too bad.
Nicolaj is the only thing keeping me alive right now...
I have started thinking about Ana and Mia in weird ways. Yesterday, they were both sitting on my shoulders, one on each side, like the devils and angels you always see in cartoons. Ana was the angel, telling me that I was strong, that I should choose the light and food-less path. On the other side, the devil in Mia's form kept wispering in my ear that it would be okay if I ate all of it, 'cause I could just purge it anyway.
I have thought about writing down some of the stories my mind makes up about Ana and Mia. I seriously think in stories sometimes. Real "he said, she said" stories. It is so weird. But sometimes, something beautiful comes out of it. I would like to share with you, but only if you want to read it?
My psycology teacher is talking about how illnesses and diseases easily can become a fashion. She started out with crisis, then stress. Anorexia. Cutting.
I'm sitting next to my ED friend. I swear, I couldn't even get myself to look at her. Instead, I looked around. I wanted to see people's reaction. I though that maybe I could read something from that. Think if someone in this room right now if suffering from some sort of eating disorder? We all know how alone you feel all the time. Think if we were both sitting here, thinking the same thoughts, feeling the same panic at the teacher's even mentioning it. And we will never even know.
Somehow, I always have the ability to make every situation much worse than it is. It's an amazing talent, how easily and fast I can make myself depressed...
I can't deny that I have become rather bulimic lately.
I can't help it.
I someone asked you to stop fasting, restricting, smoking, what-do-I-know, told you about how unhealthy it is. Would it make a difference?
I don't think so...
I love you girls. I really do. And I am very sorry for having been so abscent and weird lately. Everything has just gone to hell here.
I hope you girls are doing better.
I hope that next time you hear from me, it'll have gone better.
I love you all.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥