Monday, November 14, 2011

What a pretty butterfly...

Well, I have one more story that I though I'd tell you. You already knows everything about me eating disorder. I have told you about my dad and his depression, I have told you about Maiken and me & Nicolaj's relationship. But I have another story. This one goes way back, back to before I even fell in love with Nicolaj, and eating disorders were something belonging only to the Hollywood-supermodels.
This is the story about me and cutting.

I can still remember the first time I cut. Me and my (at that time) best friend Katrine had skipped out on class, without been given permision by our parrents. We were soooo cool for that. We were in 5th grade, both 11 years old. We were alone at my house, talking and laughing like we always did. At my small table was a knife. I was a very small one that I had made myself on a course with scouts. I picked it up and began playing with it, drawing on my skin with those white little lines that comes when something sharp is drawned against your skin. I noticed how it didn't hurt at all. That was funny. So I started to scratch in the same place. Didn't hurt. Funny. I showed Katrine the very small wound that I hade made, told her it didn't hurt a thing, and she was like "cool enough, but I won't do it". That day, I scratched maybe 5 or 6 wounds into my left hand. I even showed it to some of my classmates. They were soooo cool, and I was totally milking the attention I was given.
Then, I don't remember how long went by without me cutting. The next time I remember isn't until 7th grade, but I know that I did it a couple of times in those two years. You see, I was a wannabe emo. I really really really wanteed to be emo soooo bad. My dad was so pissed. I wore dark clothes, safety pins and badges all over me clothes, fingerless gloves with skulls on them, fishnet gloves and stockings. I was so bad ass. And of course I'd goggled emo a thousand times. I knew that, in order to be real emo, you had to cut (I was very young girls...), so of course I did it.
Well, about that time in 7th grade. It's an important one.
I remember that it had something to do with my dad, probably another argument or so. I was 13, which is also at the age that I first started to go onto online pro ana sites, skipping both breakfast and lunch, then binging massivly every second day or so. I had cut two fine lines on the side of my wrist, and I hid them by wearing fishnet-gloves that day. But of course, I just had to get some attention, so I told my (at that time) best friend Adda, who was this really innocent and really really sweet girl. But then she told some of our common friends, and soon, 5 or 6 persons knew. 2 of them decided to go to our main teacher with it. She pulled me out that same day to talk about it with me...

After that, it really took of. I went from cutting once or twice a month, to doing it several times a week. I made sure that I always had at least one wound that wasn't all healed. In 7th and 8th grade, there wasn't any system in it. I would just cut whenever I felt like it, and I'd make one or several deep red cuts at some random place on my left arm. Never on the wrist. It was always on the upperside of my arm. Still is.
In 9th grade, I realized that it wasn't going to go away any time soon, so I started organizing my scars. Now, I have a huge bunch in a long even row, on top of the old ones. There's a pretty even row, and then out of no where, 5 or 6 scars cuts in and break the symmetry.

I have gotten more creative over the years. The last couple of years, if I haven't been adding to my now two evern rowes (on on the top of my arm, one on the side) I have written, or even made motives.
I have a huge scar saying "FAT" on my left leg. I've got a big hard on my left heart, the actual hand. And now, just below that heart, I have a butterfly. 

Whenever I see this scar, I will always be reminded of you girls...

Took some quick pictures. They are in very poor quality, but's so dark here, I can't do any better today. Sorry :/

 Very bad light. Can you see the heart? :/
 My left arm. And this is in bad light. On a good pictures, there's 3 times a many scars...
The new one...

Bought myself a Ben & Jerry's today. Saving it fow Wednesday, after my weigh-in. Since it's not an official day, I can't tell you why I've bought it. I will point it out for you Wednesday, when my weekly weigh-in post comes up.

Today, I've eaten a sandwhich with egg and mayo - I don't want to think about the calories. But I didn't purge! I've also eaten 7 rice cakes with cheese. Purged not even half of that 'cause I remembered in the middle of it that I wasn't supposed to purge today.

Today has been a bad day.
I'll write you agian tomorrow.

I love you. My butterflies.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥


  1. *hugs you*

    Is it bad that I miss my scars when I cannot see them anymore?

    I haven't cut in ages, but I miss it dearly.

    Please be careful, darling. I was always highly careful with myself. I had/have alcohol wipes to clean off my skin and the tool and I have band-aids/gauze ready with antibiotic suave..,That way I know I'm safe.

    I enjoyed you're story..I may do one of my own soon...

    Until next time

  2. Same for me, Sasha.. I miss my scars and scratches when I can't see them.

    And Bella, I just recently started following your blog. I don't mean to say "Oh I'm new to anorexia" but I'm more new to the pro-ana community. I'm working very hard towards my goals and I hope I can support you darling <3 Stay strong!

    And might I say, by your profile picture, you are absolutely beautiful! Your eyes are so pretty, and I LOVE your hair! Keep up the good work!