Friday, November 4, 2011


Feeling a bit Rebecca Black today...

Of course, I know I'm going to fail again some time. Of course, I know that I can't change just like that. I was just so sick and tired of being so weak last time I wrote you girls.
I am so much more greatful for all your wonderful comments than I would ever be able to tell you. Really, they mean the world to me. The first time I logged onto Blogger after the last post, and saw all the support, the kind words, the assurance that I can still be a good person... That I'm only human... You girls really made me cry. And Ell even mae me chuggle a bit, which I did not think I was capabel to at that time. Thank you so much lovelies! You are all so wonderful!

So, the two last days have both been good and bad. Both Wednesday and Thursday, I binged an purged. But the only thing I ate both those days were those binges, and since I got most of it out, I have managed to lose a bit weight, despite the binging.
Next week, I'll be doing Russian Gymnast Diet with the girl from my class I told you about. It'll only be 7 days, so I'm pretty sure I'll be able to stick to it. Fruit and I are best friends, so that shouldn't be very hard. (If anyone care to join, feel welcome, though I know that most of you don't like/believe in that diet.)
After that... Who knows? I will not try SGD or ABC until I have gotten better at restricting. The next month or more will be all about cutting down on the food, and doing so without binging all the time the way I do now.

I didn't go to the gym yesterday, as I had planned. There's really no excuse, I was just too lazy. So of course, today I feel like shit. I'm eating fruit while in school today, and then at work, I hope I'll be able to find some sort of müslibar or so that I can have for dinner. If not, then it's Cola Zero only, and then some soup when I get home. Honestly girls, I'm in a dangerous mood. In the I-don't-give-a-shit-I-don't-want-to-think-about-this-mood. I need to keep focused all the time, 'cause if I don't, I eat. I just can't be bothered with all this shit. I have no spare-time what-so ever at the moment, with school, gym, work and scouts, and the bit I do have, I spend with Nicolaj, either fighting or making up (which includes being all cuddly and stuff, and having sex). After I found out I can purge, I have just been like "well, if I do binge, at least I can just purge". I don't believe I'm turning bulimic, but the though of resticting is just very unappealing when this stressed.

Oh, and a girl in my class is having birthday, so of course, she's brought cake. Seriously, I don't believe I'll be able to say no to a piece. She has planned that we all eat it in the last class today. Friday, last class, right before work. How the fuck am I to say no to that? I'm just to fat and weak right now.
No, I am not. I will not eat the damn cake! I am not weak. I will not be.
The end.

Dearest girls,
I always suck at ending my posts.
So today, I'm gonna do it like this.
More sucking.

I love you girls.
So, so much!
Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. I'm glad things are looking up slightly for you :). But DON'T YOU FUCKING EAT THAT cake. (see what I did there?) Honestly, you are so much better than that. Refuse politely, and if they try to make you, tell them you feel sick, and if you eat it you'll probably throw up, and that wouldn't be nice for anyone. I pride myself in my willpower. At lunch, my friends buy nachos and cake and chips, and I buy coke zero. Because I am superior. And so are you. <3

  2. DO NOT EAT THE cake ( I did it too lol nice!) Seriously! You are stronger then that Bella! You know that it is coming, so you should be able to say no! Like Ell says, say you are sick, or pretend that you don;t like that flavour of cake. whatever you have to do, but just don't eat it, please! You will so proud of yourself when you are able to say no, and that will make you feel in control and then you will be better able to say no to the next thing! Try it! I swear it works!!! Im now down 12.5lbs in 2 weeks and I never thought I had the control! Now I feel like I can control everything! It's honestly such an amazing mental transformation for me!!!! I am so thankful for it!!! And maybe you will read my plan on my blog and want to join me lol


  3. <3 baby. I've missed you so badly when I disappeared away from the world.
    ahhh. binges suck! and half the stuff i binge on i can't purge. i'm not the type to be able to binge on pasta and purge it out. or pizza. i can only purge out liquids or semi-liquids and eat/spite for solid food.
    i have a major fight with food. the only fruit i allow in my system is apples and only because I KNOW i won't ever binge on them. other fruits = ahaha. me and fructose. <3 ABC for me is much easier than that, considering i've got a very weird thing going on with food where giving me a number is easy, cause i can fit in my cravings. i don't do well with food restrictions.
    gah. i can easily refuse cake. except during a binge. then i don't refuse anything. cake is an 'okay' food in my opinion. it looks appealing but when i take the first bite, i can easily throw it out because i don't like its taste - i just like how it looks like. ahaha. this thursday, my IB coordinator gave us all loads of cake, and i couldn't get away with saying no. i said it at least four times and still was forced to eat the piece. *sigh*

    and damn it. ain't purging addicting? though i'm shocked. i purge after eating semi-liquids and it's rare that a solid comes out (carrots do, but who binges on carrots?) and i know that crisps do (something i RARELY eat but does) and happily, i can purge chocolate IF i have some sort of base on it (like crisps or porridge). ahaha. i totally know what i can/can't purge. that's sad, no?
    -Sam Lupin