Feeling a bit Rebecca Black today...
Of course, I know I'm going to fail again some time. Of course, I know that I can't change just like that. I was just so sick and tired of being so weak last time I wrote you girls.
I am so much more greatful for all your wonderful comments than I would ever be able to tell you. Really, they mean the world to me. The first time I logged onto Blogger after the last post, and saw all the support, the kind words, the assurance that I can still be a good person... That I'm only human... You girls really made me cry. And Ell even mae me chuggle a bit, which I did not think I was capabel to at that time. Thank you so much lovelies! You are all so wonderful!
So, the two last days have both been good and bad. Both Wednesday and Thursday, I binged an purged. But the only thing I ate both those days were those binges, and since I got most of it out, I have managed to lose a bit weight, despite the binging.
Next week, I'll be doing Russian Gymnast Diet with the girl from my class I told you about. It'll only be 7 days, so I'm pretty sure I'll be able to stick to it. Fruit and I are best friends, so that shouldn't be very hard. (If anyone care to join, feel welcome, though I know that most of you don't like/believe in that diet.)
After that... Who knows? I will not try SGD or ABC until I have gotten better at restricting. The next month or more will be all about cutting down on the food, and doing so without binging all the time the way I do now.
I didn't go to the gym yesterday, as I had planned. There's really no excuse, I was just too lazy. So of course, today I feel like shit. I'm eating fruit while in school today, and then at work, I hope I'll be able to find some sort of müslibar or so that I can have for dinner. If not, then it's Cola Zero only, and then some soup when I get home. Honestly girls, I'm in a dangerous mood. In the I-don't-give-a-shit-I-don't-want-to-think-about-this-mood. I need to keep focused all the time, 'cause if I don't, I eat. I just can't be bothered with all this shit. I have no spare-time what-so ever at the moment, with school, gym, work and scouts, and the bit I do have, I spend with Nicolaj, either fighting or making up (which includes being all cuddly and stuff, and having sex). After I found out I can purge, I have just been like "well, if I do binge, at least I can just purge". I don't believe I'm turning bulimic, but the though of resticting is just very unappealing when this stressed.
Oh, and a girl in my class is having birthday, so of course, she's brought cake. Seriously, I don't believe I'll be able to say no to a piece. She has planned that we all eat it in the last class today. Friday, last class, right before work. How the fuck am I to say no to that? I'm just to fat and weak right now.
No, I am not. I will not eat the damn cake! I am not weak. I will not be.
I always suck at ending my posts.
So today, I'm gonna do it like this.
I love you girls.
So, so much!
Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!
- Bella ♥