Wednesday, September 28, 2011

SGD news + Weekly weigh-in

CW: 86,9 kg/191,5 lbs (BMI 31,2)
GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

I'm going to need to wait until next week to do SGD. I'll start next Monday instead. I've got reason, girls. I just don't want to share them. Yeah, they're that personal :/
Sorry! But I will do it, believe me.

So, my darlings. I've put on a little since Monday. 0,4 kg/0,9 lbs. But also, I got my period Monday evening, so I'm  not too worried.
I have, in unision with my boyfriend, made goal weight sounding 78 kg/171,9 lbs by 23th of November (his 18th birthday). It's part of my present to him, so theres just no way to not be it. Besides, it's a pretty small number for such a long time. So I'm positive.
Liquid fasting today. Water, juice, diet coke. 
Zumba later today. I'll try to get my mom to stay with me afterwards, doing some extra. I've really fallen in love with the exercise bikes, because I can read at the same time. I love reading! Problem is, my parrents have already bought me 2 exercise bikes when I was younger, and I didn't use them. So now they're gone, and my parrents don't want to buy any more. I'm already working for my studying trip, I'll never get them to buy me one. Maybe I could wish for one for christmas? Try to get that one under the tree! Haha :)

Life sucks. I just lost in Tetris Battle. Again.
You can hear how seriously I'm taking my studies, right? Lol.

It's just hard, you know? I'm sure you all know.
When you're head is just filled with thoughts about your weight, and your body, calories, measurements, exercise, being a lazy fat fuck who can't do anything right... There's not much room left for anything, really. And whatever power you can gather, you spend at the things that really count, don't you? I mean, friends and family, people you love, things that make you happy.
The worst is that no one know. So they all just think you're a lazy fucker, who just doesn't want an education. And that is not true. I really want to be something. To have a good job, one that I like and make money on. I'd hate to drop out, or being graded so low I can't continue. It's not on purpose that I can't manage thinking about all this shit, it's not my fault that my head is already cramed with thoughts, that I can't managa to put any more into it! They just don't get it! And they never will...
Fuck it. Fuck them. They're not worth the hate.

Just finished of my juice. Too poor to buy a new one. And they cost, like, nothing. Fuck my life...

Girls, I'm fucked here.
Just found out I have a spanish assignment for next class, and I haven't done it.
A pretty big one.
Fuck my life...

'Til next girls, stay strong!
I love you all so much!
- Bella

Monday, September 26, 2011

SGD day 1

Starting officially on the SGD today.
I'm just going to make a couple of rules for myself, so I'll have an easier time staying on the diet.

1) Take multi-vitamin every day! 'Cause there's no way I'm going to get enough of anything while doing this.
2) Never eat anything that contains more than 100 calories. Eat a little every 2-3 hours, instead of eating all of it at once.
3) Never eat past 7 pm. Your metabolism drops already after you've been awak for, like, 10 hours or so, I've read.
4) I'll only make official weigh-ins wednesdays. Like, it only counts if it's on a wednesday. So if I share my weight on any other day, don't accept it as official!
5) I must reach at least the 2 next goal weights while on this diet.
6) I will take a picture of me in my underwear everyday, so at the end, I can compare beefore and after SGD pics.

I weighed in this morning so that I'd have a start weight, since I didn't reach weighing this past wednesday (The day I decided to make it my official weigh-in day of course ._.)

It was 86,4. Lower than it has been for more than a month. I'm so happy girls! I'm so focused on doing this thing. I have gained back control. i feel like I can fucking do this thing!
I haven't felt in control for a long while. I'm finally losing weight girls! I almost forgot how satisfying it is to step up on the scales, and see a number lower than the last time. I mean, I knew it was good, but this great? I never want to put on again, ever , in my life! I'm gonna be fucking skinny in a year! Just wait and see girls :)

I've been watching the 2 first seasons of Skins this weekend. I don't want to watch the rest (though I probably will, some day). Cassie - or, Hannah Murray - is so wonderfully beautiful. I'm so in love with her. And Maxxie - Mitch Hewer - is so freaking hot! I loved it, I loved all of them! Why couldn't they have made all the seasons about them? I want more of them! I can't accept the fact that it's over, that I'll never see them in that show again. Or, they're talking about making a movie about the first two generations, but still. I can't be over!
But what a lovely thinspirering show, I must say. All the girls are so thin, and you do see a lot of their bodies, slim and flat and wonderful. I wish I could be like that.
I can, some day. Some day, I will be...

Also, I was watching the video to Wasted by Carrie Underwood this weekend (again) and something caught my eyes. I realized how fucking skinny she has gotten! I mean, I know she put on durring the show, and lost the weight again. But she's lost even more since then! Her shoulders and arms were just... Sticks. She was so gorgeous in the video. It totally turned a new flame for her music in me. It's been a while since I've listened to her.

 At the top is lovely Hannah Murray, in a very bad quality picture from the series. At the bottom is the skinny Carrie Underwood in a picture from the video. How I love these women <3

It's almost 10am and I've had a pear (54) and a small glass of skimmed milk (71) so far. I've got an apple for the lunch break (52), I've got a cup soup for dinner (70) and then I still have 153 calories left for if I feel tempted when I get home, as I usually do. If I do, I will have either an apple and half a piece of rye bread (71), or a piece og whole-grain bread (90). So I should be good.

So girls, I'll go read all your lovely blogs now, and try to make some good comments.
I love you all to death!
Stay strong butterflies!
You're all so uniqe, all so beautiful!
- Bella

Friday, September 23, 2011

When will I learn?

Binged yesterday.
Put on lots of weight.
Am now fatter than ever in a year. Again.
When will I learn?

SGD on monday.
Fasting throughout the weekend.

Girls, give me all you best ana tips, won't you?
I'll never be what you are.
I can only try.
I'll never be more than a fucking wannabe.

Ana, can you hear me? Are you even there?
Please come find me.
'Cause I'm so lost...

 (I ruin myself. My life is a never ending quest  to be perfect. I can only live when I'm flawless. I shouldn't have been born)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Weekly weigh-in? Well, why not.

So, I was spending my time as I do best - finding some old blog, and read every entry ever made. In order.
I was reading the old entries of an abandoned blog, and I noticed this bow in the side. I believe everybody on here weighs at least twice a day, possibly more. I know I do. This girl had the same problem, so she decided that instead of posting every time she had weighed, she would only make 1 official weigh-in a month. Like, all the others didn't count, if she'd lost or put on weight I woudln't count. I think I'm going to do the same.
Stepped on the scale this morning. Not as bad as I'd expedted, but still higher than the number I'd sworn I'd never pass again. Fuck my life...
So, I'm gonna make Wednesday my official weigh in, 'cause I always put on in weekends, and I want to be able to work that off again before the weigh in. I don't want to do it just before the weekend though, 'cause then I'd feel like I was cheating - don't know why, I just would.
I'm going to make a box keeping track of it. Even if I don't make a post on Wednesdays, I will always update my weight as soon as I can. Promise!

Oh, and I broke my fast yesterday after 25 hours. The little scouts were having a parrents meeting, so they made soup with flutes. The soup was made from broth, with carrots, leeks, potatoes, dumplings and mini meatballs (since I'm vegetarian I ate around the meetballs). I ate two small bowls and 3 mini flutes. Then I ate a sandwich. I should never break a fast unexpedtedly. I tend to overeat. Luckily, I was down in the hut, so there wasn't anything I could binge on. After the sandwich, there were no food.
The soup wasn't really bad. The sandwich was.
I decided to make a meal plan for this week. One that is low in fat, mainly based on carbs and proteins. Proberbly most carbs, but that's because they say that about 60% of your food should be carbs.
It's very very easy, and very very boring. But it's only for a week, while I work out something better, talk to my parrents about it, get the groceries and all that stuff.

Nothing for breakfast (I hate eating breakfast!)
1 piece of rye-bread for lunch (90 cal)
1 cup soup for dinner (70-85 cal)
And one pear of apple sliced up as snack throughout the day (50-60)

Total = 210-235 calories a day.

Simple. Easy. Doable.

Going to the gym with my mom tonight. My goal is to burn more than I eat today, so my net intake will be negative.
I've ate 1 piece of rye-bread and 1 apple so far. I've decided on a soup with 70 calories tonight, so my total intake should be 210. I can totally burn that off in no time. I'll burn more than that just by half an hour on the exercise bike. I'm hopeing to do that every day except Friday and Tuesday. And I'll make sure the on other days to burn for those two days.

Girls, I've gotten it all figured out.
I've made an idiot-secure plan.
I'm engaged and sooo ready to burn off some calories tonight.
I'm on a roll girls.
I'm serious!
And, I'm again not paying attention to class. Oops.

For now girls, until next time
Stay strong!
I love you all so much girls!
You are my rock. Thank you!
- Bella

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Taking it seriously (Me, serious? LOL!)

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who commented my last post. It means so fucking much, 'cause I was so needing it at the time. It's nice to know you girls are still out there, and that I can always count on you! Thank you so much lovelies! <3

In short terms - I did a succesfull fast, then ate like crazy for 3 days. I'm sure I'm currently at my higest in a year, and I'm avoiding the scales, 'cause I don't want that confirmed.

Last night, I broke down in front of Nicolaj. I couldn't help it. All theese thoughts, they just flooded over, and before I knew it, I was laying in his lap, crying my eyes out.
I told him about my fears. All of them. That I'll only live to be 40, that I'll die from a stroke or diabetes, or some other diseas directly linked to my overweight. That I won't be able to have children...
What I told him was, generally, something like this: "I'm scared that I'm going to die, or not have babies, or become very I'll and in need of help from others. I know all this, and I'm scared to dead. Sp why the fuck is it that I always fuck up? Why can't I fucking think of it until AFTER I've ruined everything? It's like, my mind just shuts down while eating, and I can' think about anything but food. I don't even enjoy being full. I hate it more than I hate being hungry, so why, when I'm hungry, do I always stuff my face until I'm full?"
And he was like: "..."
I don't blame him. What do you say to stuff like that?
He just held me thight, told me he didn't want to lose me, that he was scared too. That he believed I could change things, that everyone has a hard time chanigin habbits, but they do it anyway. I love him so much.

So, I decided that I'm going to take this thing seriously. My overweight. My binge-eating disorder. My life. I'm going to be serious, and do it because I have to. Because I don't want to die aged 40, because I want to have children, and not differ their lifes with diseases of all sorts. I'm going to take this fuck serious! I seriously need to lose weight!
So I'm doing a serious fast. And once that's over, I'm doing a serious month of SGD. Past that, I'll work up something new. I'm serious now. A seriously overweight girl with a serious effort to lose weight.  Seriously.