Sunday, September 11, 2011

So hard...

I can't do it.
I can't eat normal.
The last week of my life have just been one big binge.
I need to count. To take controle.
I need to loose weight.
But I also need to do this right.
I've got to start counting calories again.
And I need to stay at a reasonable amount.
I can't just eat like this. I have to count!
Else, it'll get all out off hands...

Tomorrow is monday. A new day, in a new week. A new start.
Monday is the day for new chances, for changes and all sort of stuff.
As of tomorrow, I need to start counting calories, exercising, eating normal.
Like, 1200-1500 a day? I know that's pretty normal when on a diet.
My gym brand also changed, so now I can use both the machines and the teams. No reason not to exercise, right? And 3 meals a day, fruit for snack still. I've just got to be a bit more carefull.
I know counting calories can go so wrong. But I can do it.
I've counted and lived healthy at the same time before.
A long time ago.
Before all this shit.

It's just so hard.
I woke up this morning, and the fist thing I thought about was how my body had looked in the mirror last night. How fat I am. How much I need to loose weight.
Then I looked over at the boyfriend. He was stretching, his beautiful ribcage showing.
He's so skinny. So beautiful. He doesn't deserve a fat bitch like me.
So I ate my emotions away. I ate and ate for breakfast, and then again when I came home. I ate and ate and ate. And now I feel sick. And I won't be able to eat dinner, 'cause I'm so full. That much for my 3-meals-a-day rule.
It's not easy, staying posititve.

I'm so sorry that I'm not posting more.
Right now, my life is just caos.
Half the time, I'm so happy. Not with myself, my looks and stuff. But because I believe that it can get better.
The other half... I'm so depressed, and I just want to cry, and I want to tear all the fat of my body. That's the kind of mood I'm in now.

Ana is calling me.
Telling me that if I fast tomorrow, I will have lost weight tuesday. And I know it's true.
I don't know what to do.
On one hand, I want to go with her. Become beautifully skinny, show of my bones, and show my willpower.
On the other hand, I know that if I try, I'll fail again. And I'll just step back into the same evil circel as I was in before. Fasting, binging, binging, fasting, binging, binging, binging, fasting, fasting, binging, binging. I hate all this shit. It makes me so crazy. And to be honest, I don't really know what I'm going to do.

I've dyed my hair. What do you thing about it?
It's bright pink. But the light is kinda crappy at this pic, so it looks a bit weak :/
I don't know why I change my hair so often. I guess it's so that I know people aren't looking at my huge ugly body as the first thing when they see me. That they look at my hair, my make-up, my clothes, and thinks "This is a crazy girl, someone living their life and just enjoying it". It's better to know that I'm known as the girl who changes her hair all the time, instead of suspecting I'm known as the superhumanly fat girl. I mean, ook at the picture! First thing you notice? My hair! Second thing you notice? How much fat I've got beneath my armpits. So disgusting...

I should really be doing my homework. I'm done with the spanish, but I need to make a religious analysis for my religion class. I've got the one another girls from my class made, a real smart girl, and I'm pretty much just gonna copy that one and make it sound like me.
Then I really really need to clean my room.
And then there's  laundry.
Bettter leave now.

Until nex time,
take care, lovelies.
You are so precious to me.
- Bella


  1. i use i've been using it for a little over three years and i'm basically addicted to it lol
    i applaud you for trying so hard, the binge/starve cycle is ridiculously hard to get out of, but as long as you never stop trying, then you're never going to fail :)

  2. Love the pink :)
    Do what your heart says. Your head is a spur of the moment crazy ideas. Your heart knows whats best for you. Follow your heart, in every aspect of life.

  3. haha Your posts are great! and so fucking REAL! I like that... It's amusing because you remind me of me!!

    if you get bored, text me sometime. 6145845190

    my name is Beth. :)

    stay strong girly!!