Saturday, September 3, 2011

Dressed up and pissed off

Going to a partaaay tonight. Nothing unussual there. I get drunk, eat all the snacks, and my voice goes up, like, ten octaves. Wake up feeling bad, spend an hour in the bathroom, drink some orange juice in replacement of breakfast. Spend all day reading, sleeping, watching TV.
Am I the only one who can always predict exactly how every party is going to end up? How the morning after is going to look? Well, I certainly can.

Was in Tivoli with the boyfriend an dhis family yesterday. He went home with his sisters fiancee (the sister was with their parrents), and they stayed up until well past 5am playing xbox. He's going to another party tonight, one with the sisters fiancee. And I swear to god, neither of theese things upset me.
What does upset me is, we almost haven't had any time together this week, so knowing I wasn't going to be sleeping next to him all weekend got me really down yesterday. While in Tivoli, he was so sweet, and gave me all his attention. So when we said goodbye, it was the typical "miss you" "miss you more" thing. Turns out he obviously didn't miss me as much.
I wrote goodnight about 1 am. Nomally, he calls, and we talk for 5-30 minuts before going to bed. Well, not this time. He answered 1½ hour later. In 1½ hour, he hadn't found the time to fucking pause his xbox, and write me back! I'd fallen asleep before he even saw the message! He'd also promised to write every hour he was awake after I'd gone to bed. I'd gotten 2 messages. After more than 4 hours... I know this shouldn't bother me. But I was missing him so much I was crying, and he couldn't even use 5 minuts to say goodnight to me? And now, he can't fingure out why I'm mad at him. He knows something's wrong, but as the coward he is, he choses to ignore it.


Okay, that totally rid my bad mood :)

I've been eating normal for the entire past week (as in 3 meals a day, and only fruit to snack on). I've yoy'ed a lot, but I actually haven't really put on from a week ago and 'till today. I haven't been exercising, but then, I never did before either. I know that sometime, when I have learned to eat more normal, I'll have to start exercising a lot more. After all, I want to loose weight while eating healthy.
Words can't describe how hard it's been. Not to eat, that's not the problem. But my thoughts... Every time I looked in the mirror and saw my huge belly, every time I stepped on the scale to see the huge number, every time someone commented on something about me... It's so hard to convince myself that no, fasting will not help me, and that I have to make this a long and slow process if I want it to last. All I ever see in the mirror is fat, fat, fat. All my scales says is whale, whale, whale. Not to speek of when someone comments on me. Liar, liar, liar. But I'm managing. Not without struggle, but I do.

I actually started a binge today. I'd layed in bed for an hour, feeling so hungry, and at the same time misserable and good. I didn't want to eat, but at the end, my brain convinced me it was the right thing to do. A few hours later, I got up, made a grilled cheese sandwich and drank a low-fat milkshake (180 calories for one. I remember feeling like a child on christmas eve when I found them!). Then I ate a cookie. And then 4 creepes (like, the french - and danish - version of a pancake? Much thinner than the American). Now I'm so full, I doubt I'll be able to eat dinner. Which will be at the party. Buffet. Always dangerous. I just hope there's a plain pastasalad or something, with like, lettuce, cucumber and pasta. A piece of bred. A coke. The end. I hope.

Seriously. If I wanted to, I could drink a whole case in an evening. I'm Scandinavian, remember?
Well lovelies. I'm leaving for my friends house for a warm-up session in half an hours, and I still haven't got any make-up on, and I still haven't done my hair. So I'm gonna leave you with this lovely Black Eyes Peas song, which totally descripes my mood right now :)

You girls are all so wonderful!
I hope that one day, you'll see the beauty in yourselfs.
- Bella

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