Tuesday, August 30, 2011

My last serenade

Don't be surprised
These last words
My last hour of my last day
I've taken all the sorrow
I can bear, yo
And now I think I'll turn
Turn and walk away
As I wipe cause the tears are filling up my eyes
Feel like I got nothing left to love in my life
20 years of age and its time to say goodbye
Cause I don't even want to try
To make it through night
Tell them to forget the show tonight
And I don't wanna sing
Tell them I've given up alright
And it don't even mean a thing
Make sure the headlines say
I did it for love

Dearly beloved butterflies out there
You guys all mean so, so much to me
You have all been there for me when I needed it the most
To support me
To give me advise
You guys have shown med how big a diffrence love and support can make
You are so very dear to me
My lovelies

I can't do this any more. I'm so sorry.
I can't ruin myself, and my life, like this.
I still want to lose weight so, so bad.
But not like this. This is not right.
So I'm going to do this the right way.
The hard, slow, healthy way.
I just can't do this any more.

I want to be normal.
At this point, I think I want it more than being thin.
I've lost sight of my goal.
Whatever I had in mind when I started all this,
I don't recal.
So I'm going to try and do this right.
Eat 3 meals a day, exercising.
No fasting. No restraining.
A healthy, balanced diet.

I can't be a butterfly
When I was never a caterpillar...


I will still be updating my blog.
But it'll be about my trying to lose weight, the healthy way.

I hope, some day, I can be an inspiration to all of you girls out there.
That I can show you how it is posible to lose weight without starving.
Eating doesn't have to suck. You don't have to hate food. You don't have to feel guilty all the time.
The thing is, with Ana, you can never win. You will never be good enough for her. She's like a godess. And no matter how hard you try, you'll never be more than human.
So this is my godbye to Ana. 
Hopefully, forever.
I'll never forget all the things she thought me. I'll never forget how strong I am. How much I can push myself.
But I'll use it right this time. I'll do this right.

Dear lovelies
I hope you all find happiness in your life
One day, it's going to happen
And you're gonna be beautiful
And happy
And good enough
I love you all
So, so much
- Bella ♥

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I can't believe I'm doing this again...

I'm starting ABC again tomorrow. Boyfriend talked me into doing it, can you believe that?Well, I decided that if he says I can do it, I can. He's never lied to me before <3

I apologize for being so little on Blogger recently. It's all just fucked. I can't believe how stressed I am. Apparently, it is forbidden to have a social life while being in the gymnasium. How I hate those stupid teachers.
I should really get back to my homework, you know?
Lucky for me, the next assignment is something I' actually looking forward to doing. I'm supposed to write a short horror story for my next english class. Just a horror story. No specific demands. I love it when the teachers thinks you're retarded, and need easy assignments! :D

So, for the ABC.
I know how easily I can fail this.
It takes so little to push myself into binging.
So I thought I should make some genuin rules for me to follow, so I'll be able to make it through easier.
1) Always bring a water bottle to school.
2) Never go to the supermarket. If you need diet coke, buy it before school.
3) Make a list with at leas 10 excuses for not eating (for my parrents, at dinner time)
4) Don't be with the boyfriend too much. He eats like crazy, and I know it'll affect me.
5) Whenever I feel like binging, go to the bathroom, undress, look in the mirror - use the scale if necessary. Anything to avoid eating.
6) Reading will be my way of handling stress. I can't afford to be stressed while doing this, so if the homeworks to hard, switch of and go read some.

Any other suggestions, lovelies?

I feel so unispirering. I can't figure out how I keep getting new followers, when all I write about is failing, and making new plans who never works out. Seriously you guys, why are you reading this shit? What do you get from it? I can't tell you what To do. I can only tell you what not to do. So why am I so inspirering?
I just don't see it.

Well lovelies, I know this is short, but i really should get back to the homework.
I promise to write every day durring ABC, if nothing else, then at least to update on my calorie intake.

I love you all, you guys!
Stay strong!
- Bella ♥

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I don't care

I should be down by the scouts by now. Right now. I'm not. We're supposed to bring out some magazines for some evening-class-orginasations-shit. I don't care.I should be doing my homework right now. I haven't done 'em once since I started school. I'm already falling behind. But I don't care.
All I care about is my weight. Calories. Food. That's all I can think about, all I can manage to care for.

So, todays intake goes like this:

B - Cult Raw Energy(230)
L - Ice berg lettuce (3), chicken fillet pieces (34), pasta (185), dressing (42)
D - Ice berg lettuce (3), chicken fillet squares (34), cucumber (4), egg (78), dressing (42)
S - Special K red berries (168), some pieces of beef (28)

Brings my total to 852.
No outtake. Been to lazy. As I always am.
I know this is not at all bad. But it's past 800.
Anything past 800 just makes me feel so sick.
I know I shouldn't feel quilty, but I do.
I know that this is half what I'm supposed to eat.
I know that this is a good intake.
I know.

The weight said 87 kg/191,8 lbs. Don't know if I'm happy about that.
It's less than yesterday. But just 2 weeks ago, I was 5 kg/11 lbs lighter. My first goal, actually.
I guess I have to make some new ones, since the last I made... The rewards has run out, if you can say it like that. Like the tickets to a concert,  finding place in March. And dying my hair black. To late for that.
I'm going to put this in the bar out on the side, instead of that cross-list I have, that never get's crossed anyway.

All I want to do is just snuggle under my blanket with my book in my hand. Maybe watch some True Blood on the computer. Or download something else I can use my entire night on.
Got like 7 hours a sleep last night. Way too much. Think about what I could have spend that time on.
And after sleeping so much, I've been so tired the hole day. It fucking sucks.
If only I could exercise in all those hours I spend sleeping.
But how the fuck can you exercise for hours, in the middle of the night, when all you have is this mini-step thing? And I wouldn't be able to explain to my parrents why I'm going out to run at 3am. I can't do sit-ups and stepping for hours! That would just be fucking shitty. Boring.
Any sugestions? I'm not great on all those stretches and pull-ups and leg lifts and whatever. I can't do that stuff. I need real exercise.

Actually, I would never run or ride around on my bike or just jog at night. I'm so terrified of the dark. I can't even go to the bathroom at night without panicking, so how the fuck should I handle running around on an empty street in the pitch black night? And I know that there really isn't anything to be afraid of. No, no one is standing in my living room, running up to kill me in the 5 steps to the bathroom. And no one is standing in my room when I get back, waiting for me to fall asleep. No one is out on the streets at that time, not I'm my dumb little town. Seriously, we're only 500 people, who would be outside 3am?

And I keep telling myself all this. I know it's not the darkness I'm afraid of, it's the unknow that might be in the darkness. I always tell myself to calm down, take it easy, why should today be any diffrent from the other 6296 days of my life? (Just calculated that on my phone - I really have no life ._.)
But I just can't seem to understand it. My fear lies so much deeper than my sense.

I'm scared of a lot of things.
Scared of the darkness.
Scared of needles.
Scared of food.
Scared of having put on weight.
Scared of not being good enough.
Scared that someday, I'll do something real stupid, and it'll cost me my life.
Scared that all this weight-diet-obsession-thing will change me. That I will no longer love Nicolaj.
Scared that I'll be kicked out of school.
Scared that I'll never get a good life.
Scared I won't get a baby.
So fucking scared, all the time.

Oh, and I'm scared Charlaine Harris is going to kill Bill, while saving Sookie's life. Though I am definetly still at Team Eric (yum!), Bill still makes me all "aaaaw!" all the time. Haha :)
At first, I was scared she'd kill Eric. I really, really believed she'd kill Eric, and the Sookie would go back to Bill, after getting over him (though, of course, she'd always love him.) But Charlaine promised that she wouldn't kill Eric, or make Sookie a vampire. So now I'm just scared she'll break them up. I'm pretty sure she will. Their relationship is just not described the same as the one she had with Bill. i don't know what the difference is, but it just doesn't give me the same vibe.
Oh sorry, I went into a geeky kind of state.
If I ever make a list of my top addictions - non food - the Sookie Stachhouse novels will definetly be my number one! I've read those books, all of them, more times than I can keep track of. 20, at least, in a year. And there's 11 novels, and one book filled with short stories happening between the novels, so that's a lot of reading.
Actually, the book I said I was going to read somewhere above this shit? It's Dead as a Doornail. Number 5. I'm going to start it now. Might not sleep 'til I'm done. That would be better than just... Sleeping ._.
I did it again.
Don't ever get me started on this, or I will go on for hours!

I guess you girls have more than enough to read by now, so I'll just leave you with this.
Love you with all my heart girls!
Stay strong!
- Bella ♥

Monday, August 22, 2011

I can do this. I can I can I can

I just told my boyfriend. About my biggest wish, my biggest hope.I told him that I can do this! That I want, in 10 years, to be able to get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and see a woman who is happy. She is happy because she has the most beautiful little girl in the world, and the cutest little boy. She's got a husband who loves her more than anything in the world. She's maybe not bone thin, but she is happy, nonetheless. Happy, because she is able to look in the mirror and not feel disgusted. She is happy because she knows that she is the luckiest woman in the world. She is happy, just because she is happy.
This can be me.
I can do this!

I know I haven't been on for a while. A week, exactly.
I'm watching Supersize vs. Superskinny Kids, and they've got those stories on anorexics and anorexia recovers. I am not saying I wish to be anorexic. But I admire their self control so much. I've always believe that eating disordered are some of the strongest people in the world, just being able to get through life with all the shit going on for them, and still maintaining a - almost - normal life.
I just wish it was as easy as they make it look.
It's not easy.
it's not easy at all...

For the past 2 nights, I've gotten a total of 6½ hours of sleep. So I am very tired.
But I'm finding, I don't want to sleep. Think about all the hours I'm loosing in doing so.
Think about all the calories I could burn.
Think about all the blogs and websites I could find online.
Think about how many episodes of True Blood, Supersize vs. Superskinny, Friends, Bones and so on, that I could watch. All the great movies. Homework. I could spend all those hours so much better than sleeping. I know it's a stupid thought, I know that I need sleep to keep going, but I just find sleep so... Boring.
Don't misunderstand me. I love sleeping. There's nothing better than a wonderful night of sleep. But... If I could just do that once or twice a week, I'd be happy.

I'm wondering. About the days the come, weeks, months.
I'm going to loose weight. I have no idea how.
I know it's a bad idea, not making a plan. 
But if I make a plan, I find it so much harder to stick to it.
Improvisation is bad.
Rules are bad.
Plans are bad.
When you've got those problems, what do you do?
Answer: Nothing. I drink my energy drinks and my fruit juice.
I eat some salad.
I've made one rule. At least one of my meals every day has to be a salad. Lettuce, cucumber, cheese, egg, chicken. Those are the things I'll use. Not all at once. I'll have two different. One with lettuce, cucumber and chicken, and one with lettuce, cucumber, cheese and egg. At least one meal a day. And if it could be lunch, that would be the best.
That's when I cheat the most. In school, in the recess, I go to the supermarket across the street. Crisps, diet sodas, candy, cake, cookies, cereal. I buy so much of it, and I do it almost every day. That's why I'm always so broke.
But I want to be able to go over there and buy my diet soda, and nothing else.
To come in there like a normal person, not feeling like I might eat every single thing in the store. Not wondering how many calories in it all. Not that I mind, mostly. Then I buy something fatty and sweet, and halfway into it, I start feeling bad. And I throw the rest away, sometimes, or save it for later.
I can't live my life like this. This is not normal. This is no way to live.

Darlings, can you give me any advice on how to make it easier, to just eat 2 or 3 times a day, no meals in between. And without feeling so hungry I start binging.
Right now, I just stay away from the store. But I do miss my diet sodas. They really help me get through the day. But I'm scared that if I go over there, I'll do something stupid.
Today, I bough a whole box of cereal. Haven't even eaten half of it. Can't get myself to throw it out, 'cause it was really expensive. But it's so unhealthy, crunchy müsli with chocolate. I don't know what to do.
Last week, I bought muffins, crisps (several packs) and mini cookies. All in one week. I'm so disgusted.
Don't get me started on my weight.
I've put out a goal for myself. Loose 5 kg/11 lbs. And I want to have done it by the 3rd of September. And it's not a choice, not an option. It's just something I have to do. Something I will do.

These are all girls from my class. People I spend hours watching every fucking day!
This is me, and the girls I hang with. Do you see what I mean?
Now, I would show you our group foto, as a class.
But I don't remember my log-in to the site. So I'll do it tomorrow.
Everytime I write a post like this, I always end up failing miserably the next day. And then not writing for a while. This time, I will not.
When I write you tomorrow night, it'll be with good news. I swear. I swear to God, and I never take the Lords name in vain. I will do it.
I will leave you now girls.
I find that I have no wise words for you.
No inspiration.
I've got nothing for you.
Believe it or not girls, but I have missed you so much for the past week.
I've checked Blogger twice a day, at least, to check on all of your blogs and so on.
I'm sorry I'm so bad at inspirering, sorry I'm so bad at writing.
I am trying to change. I really am.
I love you girls!
Stay fucking strong, you hear me?
- Bella