Sunday, February 27, 2011

A new tomorrow

So, we had the Danish Melody-Festival yesterday, it's like, the biggest songcontest of the year. The headline is the tittle of the song which won. I don't really know if I like it. It has this annoying, yet very catchy melody. And the lyrics. Very, very beautiful.

Come on boys, come on girls
In this crazy, crazy world
You're the dimonds, you're the pearls
Let's make a new tomorrow
Come on girls, come on boys
It's your future, it's your choise
And your weapon is your voice
Let's make a new tomorrow

I don't know. It just touches me, somehow. Makes me think of you guys :)

So. My life sucks right now. I weighed myself this morning, though it's not monday. Just a bad habbit. And it was wrong. Very wrong. I have put on sooo much weight!
At least, I'm starting the SGD tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it. I 100% believe that I can do it without cheating, not even once. If I just stay as hap, and super motivated. And that's what I've got my Blogger-account for. Inspiration. Motivation. You girls always heps me out. I can so do this.
I'm aiming for loosing at least 7-8 kg/15,4-17,6 lbs. I can do that. I've lost more before, in less than 30 days. I've also gained half of it back, of course. But that was due to a, a bit too merry christmas. Christmas's far away now. So I'll do better this time. I have to. I will.

I'm reaaally not looking forward to going back to school. 2 years and 4 months, and it'll all be over. Then I can go out and study some more. But at least, as an education. I don't need all those stinking classes that I really can't figure out! Bye to maths, physics, chemistry, geogreaphy and so on. Goood, please let time go by just a liiittle faster, please?

Well girls. I'm gonna go feel sorry for myself some more.
Think thin, pretty ladies.
- Bella

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I'm bad

I keep talking to you girls about all my failures. Then I go make some more. I'm so smart, right?
Well, the good news is that it's stopping now. I'm going to do the SGD from monday, and I have to load up to it theese last two days. I'm really looking forward to it, actually :)

To be honest, I'm actually using the boyfriends computer. It's 9am and he's still sleeping. I love him and all, but seriously, he sleeps to much!
And he makes me eat sooo much. Not intended of course, but I just can't help it. When I'm with him, I just don't bother to think about food, calories, and all the other things that makes my life suck so hard. Of course, I do anyway, and then I just feel guilty.
Does this ever happen to you? Do you have that person, that you just can't be with without eating, and just thinking "fuck it anyway" when you're around?
Well, he's mine. But I love him too much for giving up. I'm sure I can work it out.

Every time I hear "Fucking Perfect" by P!nk, I keep thinking about you girls. About all the ana-girls around the world. How you're all so strong, while I'm sitting here, dreaming of being like you. Them. All.
I don't know. I'm just so dissapointed in how much I've put on lately. Like, 1,5-2 kg/ 3,3-4,4 lbs. And I have such a hard time loosing. I hate it. I hate the way my body work. Thanks a hell of a lot to my parrents, for making it for me. Yippie..? ._.

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated misplaced
Miss knowin' it's all good
It didnt slow me down.

Always second guessin'
Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fuckin' perfect
Stay strong, all you beautiful girls out there!
Don't ever feel like you're not perfection.
To me, you're everything I could ever wish for.
- Bella 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Fuck me. It's okay.

Put on weight since yesterday, even though I barely ate. I know it's stupid, but that totally ruined my day. Ended up eating more than 1500 cals. Fuck me. It's allright, I can make it up in no time. Gosh, this is so gonna get me down later, when I see the result of all that eating. Still in a great mode, and nothing is about to get me down!

Feel so cool. I've learned to play the Harry Potter Intro-Theme-thingy (the slow one) on guitar. Though I suck at it. But! I can remember it now, all by myself. I've also named my guitar. I've called it Hayley, after Hayley Williams. Because she's the coolest female to ever walk this planet! Yes, I'm a huge Paramore-fan.
And she's so beautiful. She's not like, tinny. But like all famous people, she's so pretty. And it's not like she's big, not at all! She's pretty thin, but not skinny. She's standing out in her absolutely own way, and no one thinks of her as a loser, just 'cause she's diffrent. I wish I was more like her. Waaay more :(

Guess I better start some diet by monday, as the vacation's over. One that I have not made myself! It's just too easy to get away with being bad, when you make the diets yourself. Better go with the SGD. I've never been able to make it a whole ABC. But 30 days? I can do that, no doubt! Maybe I can convince my friend Mie to do it with me. She tried ABC with me, and we both failed hugely. So we'll both have some motivation, right? Though it's proberbly not the case, if anyone want's to join, you're more than welcome! The more the merrier, right?

As soon as this cold time is over, I'm going to start jogging. I absolutely hate it, but it's easy, it's free, and it can actually become real nice once you get used to it. So spring, will you pleeease hurry up a bit? Thanks.

Sitting here listening to that new Avril Lavigne song. I've always loved her! And I like the new song. But it's just... Not her! She's changed so much. Why does that happens to all good artists?
I really like the lyrics, anyway. I totally know how she feels.

All my life I've been good, but now?
I am thinking what the hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about

If you love me, if you hate me
You can save me baby, baby
All my life I've been good, but now?
What the hell

So true...

To all of you out there
Who actually takes some of your time, to read all this shit
I cannot describe how glad it makes me
I'm so gratefull for your comments
And thanks for the great advise on my last post!
I love you all
Stay strong!
- Bella

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Sorry Sorry Sorry!

I'm so, so sorry girls! My network broke down, and I didn't have it fixed until this morning. So sorry about not warning you guys or anything... But I'm back now :)

I had my first official weght-in since last monday, yesterday morning. It sucked, I'd put on a bit of weight, but not enough to let i bother me. I'm in a great moode today.
I'm enjoying my winterbreak from school, really needed that. Just spending time with my boyfriend, doing nothing at all. I love it!
Sadly, it's times like these, when I'm with my boyfriend, that I eat the most. But after eating tons and tons again today, I decided to change that, starting now! He's of to work now, and when he comes back, it'll all be diffrent. Because I said so!

I'm going to buy a guitar tomorrow. I've never really tried playing it, so I'm gonna start from absolutely nothing. But it'll be all right, I hope. I'm buying it used, very cheap, so even if I never learns how to play, the money will not be too wasted. I hope. God, I'm saying that too much! :o

So girls, I'm in some kind of trouble. Despite my high weight, my parrents have decided to watch my eating habbits very carefully, since I'm so bad at making up excuses for not eating. I really need some new ones, something that sounds good and realistic.
My parrents don't care if I feel sick, I still have to eat. Mostly, I'm using "I ate sooo much earlier, I don't feel like eating more", but I can't do that everyday day, since they've told me to stop eating all that junk. You have no idea daddy...

Is it just me, or is it like the world keeps contradicting itself? People wants us to loose weight, but they wants us to eat with them. They keep complaining about how you're not doing enough, but when you're off to go, they complain about how you're never at home. The whole world keeps telling us to do something, be something, anything. But you can never do it in the right way. Why do we bother to try so hard? To be what society expects us to, or our boyfriends, or our parrents. When truth is, we all just wants to be happy, to be able to decisefor ourself, to make our own life.

Okay, enough with the philosophy.

So girls, I hope you're all enjoying life out there.
Stay strong, pretties!
- Bella

Monday, February 14, 2011

Scared as sh*t

I had to break my fast today, though I wasn't planning on 'till tomorrow. Why?
I think I found out what it's like almost passing out. No, I'm sure that's what it was, actually.

So, I took the bus as usual to school. And just about midway, I have to switch the bus.
Because so many people ride with the bus, there's never room for me to sit, which usually is good. But not today.
From the mornig I'd started getting that feeling you get, when you are dehydrated while fasting, so I drank 2 glasses of water and felt okay again soon.
But just as we're about to reach that point where I have to switch the bus, I started getting that feeling again. I got spots in front of my eyes, my heart started beating very very fast, and soon, I couldn't see a thing. I'd say about 10% of my sight was okay. The noises also started going away. I hardly couldn't hear anything, but my own heavy breating. My fingers started to get numb. My nose started to just... Spit out snot like a fountain, to be honest. I couldn't control it!
When finaly of the bus, I walked as fast as I could into the 7-Eleven store there. I grabbed a coke and felt my way to the desk, but honestly, I couldn't even see where the line were!
When finaly in line, there were so many peple, and felt so dizzy I was sure I'd pass out before reaching the desk. But I didn't. I had to ask the woman what the cost twice, and then I just gave her some coins. I have no idea how much, and I don't really care.
Avout 30 seconds after taking the first sip, the sugar started to work. My sight came back, my hearing, my feeling (in the fingers), and I could stop sobbing.

Fuck. I've never felt anything like it!
I was so shoked, I turned around and went back home, where I ate a wheat bun and to canola bars. Plus the coke, so around 600 for today. But honestly, I do not regret that!

Okay, now to something completly diffrent.
I've found the grossets site of all, today!
Honestly, if youn need to feel better about yourself, take a look at it!

I can't believe people can be like this! I mean, the do realize they haave big bellies. So how on earth can they post pictures like that, be proud of it, think of it as beautiul?

I've decided that mondays are gonna be my weight-in day, since the weekends are always the hardest on me, and I want an honest answer to my weight.
So today was my first weight in. 82,1 kg/181 lbs.
It's better than yesterday. But still... How did I get so far?
God, I need some motivation today! I think I'll just go over one of your blogs, you know, read all the old posts from the beginging. That always helps.

Thank you girls. For always being so cool and inspirering. I love you :)
And thank you for all your comments. When I made ths blog, I never expected just 1 comment. It means the world to me!


So, all of you girls fasting out there! Remember to drink water all the time, Lol. I'm so stupid for forgetting about it! x)

Stay strong, all you wonderful, beautiful creatures out there!
- Bella

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Just... You know?

I really feel like blogging today. But I have absolutely nothing to talk about.
Do you know that feeling?

Yesterday was bad. Really bad. I'm not going to talk about what I ate.
But somehow, when I weighed in this morning I was 82,8 kg/182,5 lbs. I've lost weight. i have no idea how!

Otherwise, it was very nice :)
We started off watching Klovn! The Movie (danish comedy-masterpiece!), then Friday the 13th, Rambo, and ended up watching Bruce the Almighty. By then, half of the people who started out being there had left, and half the people left were sleeping. But I wasn't able to, with so much sh*t in my stomac.
So my best friend and I stayed up 'till 5:30 am talking about everything and nothing, and then I got, in total, maybe 3 hours of sleep? So I'm kinda tired, though it's only 4 pm.

I've realized that I need to weigh myself much less! Weighing myself several times every day is really bad, since it's never the same, and certainly not good for an over-all picture.
I need a weight-in day. Then I can weight myself that day, and though I've weighed in the rest of the week, it's only that one day that counts! Then maybe, I can slowly get down to not weighing myself everyday. And eventually, maybe it will stop.

I'm reading Gilr sunder presure, by Jacqueline Wilson for the 5th time. I just love that book! It's so inspirering. Do any of you know? Well, I'd certainly recomend it to you all! :)

Well, I guess that's just about got to be it for now.
Gosh, I wish I had something interesting to share with you guys! Instead of just being all boring and... Well, dissapointing.

Always remember girls, you are not alone!
- Bella

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I can do it

This morning was... Well, shitty if you ask me. But thinking about it: it was not good, but it wasn't that bad. 820 calories. Which will more than do for the rest of the day, thank you!

I'm really worried about tonight. Me and some friends (I think we're gonna be 8 in total, including my boyfriend) are having this video night. Everyone is gonna bring snacks and a couple of dvds, and then we're gonna wath them untill the sun rises. Of course Im afraid I'll be the weak one, who falls asleep first again. But my real problem is the snacks. Crisps, chocolate, candys, cake, soda... I must not touch any of that nasty stuff! Especially after eating so much this morning.
Gosh, I hate it! I wish I could just be normal, and eat like a normal person, without fearing to gain weight, or look greedy, or feeling ashamed. I wish everything about me was just... Normal.

I've got to get myself together. I've got to believe more in myself, trust myself that I can be around people who eats, without eating their junk mysel. Why shouldn't I? Yes, I've been weak before. But that's the wonderful thing 'bout evolution! We keep envolving!

I've decided not to eat util monday morning. By then, I will have a slice of rye-bread. I'm not sure if yu know what that is, since it's a scandinavian type of bread. It's made from rye, and is very rough. A 50 g. slice only contains 100 calories, and it fills you up very good. Sometimes I hate the taste of it, cause honestly it can get a bit boring, put sometimes I actually enjoys it! Does anyone else feels this way about some kinds of food? Or is it just me being a weirdo?

Rye-bread ^

I guess that's it for now.
Stay strong, all of you beautiful girls out there!
Know that you are never alone.
- Bella

Friday, February 11, 2011

Getting myself together!

My last week has been like this: Fasting-Overeating-Overeating-Fasting-Fasting-Overeating. How great is that?
Today I've eaten, like, 100 g. of ice cream, with, like, 10 g. of cocoa-pops on top. I know it's bad, but it could have been very much worse. I've calculated it out, and I've only eaten 282 kalories. So it's okay.

My boyfriend is killing me! It just keeps getting worse. First, I'm not pretty. Next thing, I'm not even okay! He won't call me ugly, but seriously, what else is left? Then I don't dress right, I'm not good in bed, I'm jealous, everything is just wrong with me, apparrently. Well, thanks for supporting me honey...

All boys are assholes!

We've got the My Chemical Romance concert coming up in 1 month and 4 days. But then, I need to be 75 kg/165,3 lbs. This morning I weighed in at 83,1 kg/183,2 so I have a lot to do. But I'm gonna make it - I've lost more weight in that period of time before. But I'm gonna eat less than 300 kalories a day, for the next month. That's a tough one. At least for me.

The last week I've been in a dangerous mood. Like "I don't care" and "I'll never get thin!" "Why do I even try?". Those kind of things. I hate being alone. And yet, I keep seeking for it myself. I hate feeling alopne, but for some reason I always feel best when I'm miserable. When I think back, the happiest moments were always something where I, at the time, felt like shit.
Why am I so weird?

Guess I better get back to the homework. I'm an awefull lot behinid, and I reaaally don't want to be kicked out of school! Sorry I've been so bad at updating lately, but apparrently, teachers thinks it's illegal to have any sparetime. I'll get better at it, I promise!

Stay strong girls!
You're all so beautiful :)
- Bella

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I did really well yesterday. It was like a comeback for me, and I though I was okay. But then, today...
I can't believe how much i ate! 1000 fucking, stinking calories! If I could, I would go make myself throw up 'till I passed. But I can't my body really doesn't like throwing up, and I haven't done it since I was 7. I have tried, and I have tried a lot. But there's no way I can get off with those calories now.

I want to punish myself. I'm going to cut, that's for sure (Oh yeah, did I ever mention I've been a cutter since I was, like, 11?). I'm also going to fast tomorrow, feel how the emptiness painfully returns to my waaay to big belly. And no diet sodas. That would just be too easy, none of a punishment. And of course, I'll still have to go to the gym. I'm going to work out 'till I can't stand any more. I hate myself! Why can't I do right, just for once?

Enough with the emotional crap!
I'm going to start a diet, from next week. Or maybe before. I sure could use it. But I honestly don't know which one to pick. I'm thinking about doing ABC again, since it worked out so great for me the last time. But I'm afraid that if I eat just a little, I will eat all. If I eat anything, I will eat everything. It's easier just eating nothing (And how is that working out for you Louise?)

I don't really know any others, that will keep me under control for that amount of time. Maybe I should just make my own? "Louise's 2 months diet". Creative, I know, right?
Or maybe I should just go google some more. Or I could ask MY 2 FIRST FOLLOWERS! Like, yay :D
Any ideas? Gosh, I hope you'll comment this. Else, I'll fell very lonely and desperate.

Well, my life sucks at the moment. Hope you guys are doing better than pathetic, weak "little" me.
I love you girls! You rock!
- Bella