Monday, October 31, 2011

Day 2 - 500 or less...

So, I totally fucked up Friday and Saturday. I was doing so well Friday, and then when I came home from work, my parrents had ordered pizza for dinner. My fucking favorit pizza!!! And there was, like, 1 whole pizza left over. I am so weak. I ate the fucking whole thing. I don't even want to think about the calories in that thing. And I didn't purge. Why didn't I purge?!?!?!?!
Then yesterday, I was so depressed about me being a pig, I just kept going. I didn't even have the time to purge, 'cause I was fucking eating all the time. From the time I stood up, on work even, and until I feel asleep. Fuck me...

So, I'm just going to pretend it never happend. Today is day two of ABC, and I'm allowed 500 calories. I will not eat them, though. I need to make up for the weight I've put on, so I'm fasting until I see that number again. And longer than that. I'm aiming to beat my record (which is not very big). I want to fast until Friday, at least, meaning that Friday is not part of my fast. That way, I won't break the ABC either. I'll stay beneath my limit, I swear. My only calories will come from juice, to make sure I don't pass out. And not too much of that either.
Going to the gym today. Will go to the gym tomorrow and Thursday. Scouts Tuesday, no food this time.
It's alright. I'll make up for this, and I'll do it in record time. I will not have gained when I weigh in Wednesday. I will not!

Spend all of yesterday fasting, and it was so very easy. I even told my mom that I wanted to have my dinner in my room, because I had some homework to do. And what does my stupid parrents do? Forget it, then forces me to have dinner with everyone else because Nicolaj is there, and apparently it's too much if we both go into the room.
Seriously, what could I say to avoid it? I have run out of excuses, I'm using the same agian and again, more half-hearted for everytime I use them. I have been looking for more online, but it is so rare that I find something I don't already have tried, or know doesn't work. You see, my parrents aren't that easy getting around. I learned form when I was you that if they say I have to do something, I have to do it. If I can't win them over in the first 5 minuts, I will not be able to win them over at all. And if I make a big scene and deny to eat anything, they are gonna kill me.
If you girls can help me, please do it. Just write whatever works the best for you, I'll be so greatfull for every bit of help I can get!

Damn, why does it always have to be so freaking cold on this school? Like, seriously! I'm wearing my beloved Roskilde Festival-pull-over, and I'm still shudering. I'm shudering girls, inside! With no snow outside too.
Heard that northern US has gotten a huge amount of snow. Any of you guys from there? I you are, I hope everything is right! I still do, of course. I'm not a bad person.
I Denmark, it's pretty normal that the first snow falls in November, then disapears, then comes back from December. The last snow melts in late March or early April as the rule. So we have almost half a year with snow. Can you say SCANDINAVIA? And of coruse, as if it wasn't enough that I have to live in the cold Scandinavia, I also have to live in the only flat Scandinavian country. Norway, Sweden and Finland have got wonderfull hills. But Denmark, ooooh no. No skiing for me, no sir. I can get so mad about that. If we must have snow, at least let me ski!

So, gotta go. English class begings in 3 minuts, and I have to perform a play from a story we are reading, along with two others persons. One of them isn't here, so maybe we'll get off? Cross your fingers for me girls!
I love you all. Sorry about my messing up.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥

Update: Also, I've reached 100 followers!!!!!
Holy crap girls, how the hell did that happen?
I can't believe so many people are willing to read this crap...
Seriously, you guys means so much to me.
I love you, I really do, despite the fact that I have never even met you.
You have become so important to me girls.
I can't imagine life without you (now I just sounds cheesy)
Seriously girls. Thank you so much!
I love you! <3

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Day 1 - 500 or less...

B - 0
L - 200g vanilla 0,1% yogurt (70) w. 19g All Bran (62)
D - 1 Cup o' Soup Minestrone (75)w. 1 piece og whole-wheat bread (90)
S - 1 piece of candy (18), 1 piece of whole-wheat bread (90) w. 1 slice of ham (34)
Total - 439

Exercise bike -
Treadmil - 50
Weights - 50
Total - 300

Net-total - 139

So, first day of ABC. Again. I'm feeling so much more up to it today girls.
Didn't fast yesterday as I'd planned. Fasted for, like, half a day, then went home and ate 800+ in one sitting. Purged, because I had to. (I've made a rule for myself; I'm only allowed to purge when eating 800+, and only if eaten in one sitting. Unless I go over the daily limit). Went to the gym after that, burned 200 doing cardio, and not enough on the weights for it to count. I was feeling a bit bad after purging. Of course, I just had to purge less than 5 minuts before leaving, while both my mom and Amanda were waiting for me outside the door, getting more and more irritated at me being so slow in the bathroom (if only they knew what I was doing in there...)
Ate 2 small buns before going to bed, because I'm on my period and craaaving food all the time. I'm weak, I know it. That's why I'll try and "spread" my ABC calories as much as posible. And to make sure I don't binge, I will use up all/most of my calories, which will be counted as my intake only. No cheating and eat more than I should, just because I've worked out a bit. No way I get to ruin that.

So, today I've had some yogurt for lunch, a piece of bread for snack, and a cup soup with a piece of bread for dinner. With me, it's like this: the mornings are easy. I never get hungry until 9am or so, and when I do, it's the kind of hunger that makes you not want to eat any more. The good kind, the kind that makes you want to keep embracing it. Then around 11am-12am, the hunger sets in. I have a lunch break at 11:30am, so I can reach eating before it gets to bad. Sadly, I get hungry again around 1. When I can, I eat an apple there. If I can't, I don't eat. I'm of either 1:40pm or 3:25pm. If I go to the gym, the hunger will disapear when I work out. But if I'm going to work, down to the hut, or just to be with Nicolaj, it remains. That's my biggest binging-time, when I get home. In half an hour, in can ingest 1000 of calories if I have the means. About 6pm, the hunger goes away again. So basicly, the only time I'm really hungry, the only time I always binge, is between 1 and 6, in this 5-hour streach.

 Durring the ABC, I'll try and work on that 5-hour-thing. It's only because I haven't eaten breakfast regularly since I was 13, and also skipped dinner after eating like a pig when getting home (before my ED really took over, and I just ate like that, even if I wasn't starving). My body has gotten so used to eating tons and tons of shit food in this short setting, and then cutting it of. Damn.

Oh my. Girls, my sister (Amanda) just came in here in the living room. She is 12, turns 13 in December. She's currently been on this kind of fat camp (I believe I've mentioned it before?), and she lost a huge amount of weight, and is now normal weighing. She'd like to lose 1 or 2 kg/2,2 or 4,4 lbs more.
She's soing to Zumba today, with my mom. That's why she was in the living room with me; she was waiting for my mom. She told me that she really really needs to lose 1 kg/2,2 lbs before Monday, because then my parrents will buy her this jacket she really wants. She told me that, in order to get that, she has pretty much stopped eating. She had som müsli for breakfast and a piece of the whole-wheat bread today, and that she really didn't want any dinner. If that happend, she's have eaten just underneath 500 calories today. She also told me that tis was not just today, but pretty much just lately. She actually said, and I quote: "I exercise a lot, and I don't really eat, and dad wants me to lose 1 kg before next week, and I'm so hungry!" in huge dispear.
Girls, this is totally like hearing me? The thing with exercising, the amount of food, our dad pressing us to lose weight! Girls, I'm so scared for her!
So, because I after all am a good, concerned sister who doesn't want her to stop eating, I made her a low-cal snack that she could eat quick before Zumba. Half a piece of whole-wheat bread (45) w. some ketchup (10), a piece of ham (34) and a little pizza topping (25). Totally tastes like pizza, and "only" 114 calories. She loved it! I told her a normal person should have 2000 calories a day, and that she'd had beneath 500, so it would all be okay. She even talked herself into eating a bit dinner, because she was sooo far from having eaten what a normal person should (so, she's a bit you yet, so it's actually 1500. But as long as it gets her to eat it's alright, right? I mean, it's for her own best!)

I hate knowing others have this disease. The girl from my class, you girls, my mom, and now my sister is starting this shit too? I hate it! I mean, on one side, it's lovely to know I'm not alone. But it's just so shitty, I hate for other people to go through this. I just want to cure all of you girls, take all your disease and stuff it inside me so you girls don't have to!

I'm sorry lovelies. The mood in this post kinda turned after I had that talk wit my sister :/
So, now I'll go make that soup and that bread that I wrote as dinner, and then I'll have used up my calories for today.
I love you all so so much girls!
Until next time,
stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!
- Bella

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Weekly weigh in + ABC news

Last week's:
CW: 89,5 kg/197,3 lbs (BMI 32,1)
Loss: + 3,2 kg/7,1 lbs
GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
This week's:
CW: 86,4 kg/190,5 lbs (BMI 31,0)
Loss: 3,1, kg/6,8 lbs
GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
So, I'm starting the ABC over. Failed pretty hugely yesterday, when made to eat all that shit down by the scouts.
Today is a fast, to rid myself of all that before-mentioned shit. Then tomorrow, I will start ABC again. I'm so sorry for being such a failure girls, but it's better that you know the truth. I could have told you that I made it, but I don't believe lying is the way to go. Plus, it wouldn't make any diffrence to me. I'd still have gained since yesterday, and I'd still have failed on day 1 and 2.
Restarting it tomorrow, and I've decided that I will count my intake as my total, not my net-total. That's just cheating, and I'm glad I got the chance to solve that one with myself before starting it again.

Also, I've gotten my period. I never binge more than when I'm on my peiod. Not because me body need it. But because of the cramps, and my hormones going off. I'm just totally like "fuck this shit", then I eat tons and get even more mad. But honestly, even though I said I'm fasting today, believe me, what I really want to do is just order afamily-sized pizza and eat that for lunch, and dinner, and breakfast. If I leave that much. Thank God I don't have the money.

Girls, I'm hungryyy. I don't want to eat, it's not that. But my stomac is hurting. Do you guys have any advice? How can I stop my stomac from hurting, or maybe prevent it before it begins? And how do you supress the hunger? What makes you move away your focus? Please help :(

My head is hurting. I'm dizzy. I feel dehydrated, but too full to drink anything. I feel warm, yet cold.
So, shortly, I feel like shit. but I've got another lecture (1:35) before I can go. And it's danish. A boring subject with a bad, borring, old, shitty teacher. I cannot take it! I'll drop dead before the end of class, I'm so sure. I can so much feel it! If it wasn't for 0% absensce, I'd skip it. Sadly, I haven't had any absence at all this year, and I'm trying not to ruin that. Gotta save it for some time when I have some good reason for not coming to school, right?
Getting my essay back as well. I am not looking forward to that one. I hate getting graded, 'cause I always produce such crap, 'cause I always do my homework in the last minut posible. Hey, it's better than not doing it, okay?

I'm out of energy in Tetris Battle (disaster!!!). Would anyone like to send me some, then add me on Facebook. Just remember to write about where you know me from, 'cause I don't accept strangers <3

So I guess for now I'm just chugging down water. Going, a to the gym with my mom and sister straight after school, so I'll be able to get maybe 1 - 1½ hour to work out, so I'll be able to burn between 400 and 600, depending on how long I stay and how much I give it. I'm always slower on fasting days. But it sure is the best way to burn all the stored fat, instead of just what you've eaten on a specific day.
Sadly, my mom is my ride home, and she doesn't want to work out for longer than that (I'd love to stay for 2 hours at least, but nooo.) Actually, my dad doesn't want her to work out longer than that. He's really controlling her, and I absolutely hate him for that. He's controlling her, just like he's controlling me and my siblings. But we're his children, for Christs sake! She's his wife, she's a free woman! He have no right to controle her. Glmdfgkrml!
... Speak about changing the subject. Darn hormones.

Hey! I have energy enough for 3 battles now!
So I'll go do that, 'cause I've got nothing more to write about.
I love you all, lovely ladies.
You are so wonderful!
Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!
- Bella

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

ABC Day 2 - 500 or less...

Eaten 217 so far. If I do eat any more, it'll be apples only. But I don't think I will. I've decided that to make up for yesterdays mess-up, I'll stay beneath 325 today. That way, I won't have started the ABC with failing. At least, that's what I tell myself. Deep inside me, I know that I failed. I started a new diet, and I failed on the very first day. I am seiously dissapointed in myself, and even though I know the best thing is to keep positive, I can't get my mind to accept that. I'm the the hating-myself kind of mood.
It's funny, I always tell everybody to stay strong an be positive, that no matter how bad it is, it can be undone. That it's just a matter of getting back up on the horse. Not just when commenting, but also to my friends and family. I always seem like such a cheerful, optimistic person. But almost all my posts are made while I'm feeling real depressed, mad or just numb, and even if I don't always seem like it, I'm a ral pessimist. I'm always expecting the worst for myself, and for everyone else, for that matter.
Maybe 10%, if not less, of my posts are positive. Damn I'm a hypocrit. (See, self-loathing pessimistic kind of crap.)

Scouts tonight. We're supposed to make a 3-course meal for ourself, and some tasting for the leader. On a very very low budget, believe me. It's a competition between the diffrent patrols. I'm the leader of Rhe Rams. Used to be a Unicorn. But I was a ram first, so when I had the opportunity, I went back. My love rams.
Seriously, I'm not just saying this, we really are the best patrol down there. I'm probably the best scout, along with me friend Mie who's the leader of The Mooses. And I have some of the better young scouts.
Not sure if we win tonight, though. The other other patrol's leaders, Mie and Mikke (siblings, lol) are both attending a cooking-school. Mikkel is striving to be a chef, while Mie wants to be a nutrition assistant, cooking all sort of healthy food. So they both have some benefits that I don't. It would be so cool to win tonight! Beat the at their own game.
We're making an all vegetarian-meal. Normally, that would give a bonus, 'cause it's harder. But nooo, the stupid leaders want meat. Well, I don't care. As a starter, we're making a sort of omelette with mushrooms found in the nature. Main course is some vegetarian meatballs, with a lot of shit from the nature. Dessert is apples (homegrown) with brown suggar and cinnamon, roasted on coal until tender. Everything is to be prepared over a fire.
I won't eat any of it, of course. But even if I did (which I will NOT! It's only a statement), it doesn't sound too unhealthy, right? :)

I've started listening to this GREAT band called Hey Monday, and the lead singer is just absolutely GORGEUS, even though she's not really that skinny! Apperently, one of their songs have been used in an episode of Glee. Well, I've never seen the show. 
They make amazing songs. Though theyre' mostly a bit quiet, there's still something really rock-ish over them. Like Avril Lavignes quiet songs, you know. You know it's some rock-chick who've made them, even though the song might as well could've been sung by Rihannah or something.
But seriously. Cassadee Pope, as she is called, is just crazy beautiful! I love alternative bands with female lead singers, like Paramore and The Pretty Reckless. And Hey Monday now. And they're all just so beautiful. The best thinspo is always the persons you look up to the most.
Lol, you guys  - girls, lol - do get what I'm saying, right?

Girls, I thought I'd give you a little challenge.
I want you too leave a comment posting the link to a song that decribes you and/or your ED the best, why you chose that song, plus what kind of ED it is.
I'm doing this so that we can all learn a little bit more about each others ED's. It is, after all, the reason why we're all here :)

I'll start. My eating disorder is a mix of anorexia and binge eating-disorder, a really fucked combination. After I've discovered purging though, I feel like I'll might switch the binge eating-disorder with bulimia in the future. Not full-blown bulimia. Only when I binge, where before, I wouldn't have done anything about it.

The song that descirbes my relationship to my ED the best is Geri Karlstrom - Starving for attention.
I chose this because it describes how my ED started more acuratly than I would be able to myself.

Looking forward to hearing your videos, and learn a bit more about you all :)
I love you girls, okay?
I really, truly love you.
So much more than I ever though posible when I first started this blog.
You are my world girls.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Monday, October 24, 2011

ABC Day 1 - 500 or less...

I hate myself.
You remember I was planning on fasting yesterday, right?
Well, to hell with that. Binged on crisps. At my friends house. Tried purging while she took a shower. Couldn't find something I could use. My hands weren't good enough, apparently.
Why did I fucking eat that? I was so motivated, I didn't even want them!
She just made me so sad, 'cause we talked about the time she had anorexia/bulimia. Seriously girls, I've never even heard of someone who had it as bad as her. When she was 15, she weighed 28 kg/61,7 lbs! It's fucking crazy! I mean, how is she still alive?
She'd live om soda only. The sugar just kept her going. Whenever she ate, even just a tiny bit (fruit porriged only) she'd purge it. She's walk around town for hours, pretending to eat at a friends house. 
The worst is, in my ears, all this sounds like my ideal. But the way she told it to me yesterday... There was nothing want-worthy there. It just sounded mad, sad and pathetic.
I think that's why I ate. That, or I have no self controle. Maybe that's more likely.

I swear girls, I'm not trying to make purging a habbit. I just had to try and get those crisps out! I swear, I'm not going bulimic. I will only purge when binging or breaking a fast before I'm allowed to. I swear I'll be careful, okay?

Starting ABC today. No purging through that, unless I go over limit which I will not do!
I want to make it this time! Only lasted 6 days last time. My best is, like, 15 days of it. And that was with cheating. Damn I'm weak.
Well, not this time girls, I swear! This time, I will make it without cheating! And I might undo those two days back that I switched. I mean, it just would feel too much like cheating.
I've written the daily limits into my calender. That way, I'll be reminded about it all the time.
Haven't eaten anything yet. Wasn't really planning on. (Hey, it does say less, right?) I just don't feel like I should be allowed to eat after binging yesterday.

I'm of school late today, so I'll be at the gym around 4pm. Then I'll work out for like 1½ or 2 hours, shower, wait for the bus home. I'll be home 6:15pm or 7:15pm, depending on what bus I catch. Late enough for me to miss eating with the others, and just make something for myself (that I will throw directly into the garbage can). 
Also, I have an energy drink for gym, if I'll feel like passing out or something. That'll be my calories for the day. If I do drink it.

I don't know what's with me today. I'm just in a bad mood.
At some point, I miss Nicolaj sooo much it hurts. But every time he writes, I'm just like "yeah yeah, whatever": Like, I miss him, but I really want to be alone anyway.
And at some point I want to eat, eat until my belle bursts. But then I realize that I wouldn't be satisfied even if I could eat the whole fucking store.
I don't know why this happens, but mostly, it happens while I'm in school, feeling lonely and bored. I just sit there, looking out the window. Dreaming of just laying in bed, warm and comfy, with a good book or a good movio going. A huge ice cold diet coke. And a numb stomac I don't want to feel either full or hungry. I don't want to feel the pain of having eaten too much, nor too little.
Just numb.
That's just about how I feel right now. I don't know what I feel, but I'm starting to not feel at all.

I'm just looking forward to go to the gym.
I want to feel the warm air in my lungs, the sweat tickle down my face, the pain of fat dissapering from my body.

I don't knwo what to write you girls.
I feel like I should give you so much more,
but my brain is absolute mush.
I'm sorry...

I love you girls, alright?
I love you all so much!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Update: Ate around 500. Drank 250. Burned 375 at the gym. Have I gone over, or is it just my net-total that has to be beneath 500? 

Update on  my update: Okay, calculated it, and turns out I didn't go over 500, even with the 250 from the Cult. But still, please answer my question? What do you think about it, does it have to be your intake or you net-total that's beneath the limit?

Update on my updates update: Calculated again, and I did go over by 175 or so. Fuck me. New diet, and I can't even manage the first day? And it's too late to purge. Damn.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Sometimes it's hard being the only insane person in the family.

So, Patrick a.k.a. littlebrother is holding his birthday-party for the family tonight. What a joy. Now I'll have all the four of my grandparrents, two of those wifes/girlfriends-through-30-years, two aunts, Patrick's friend and Amanda a.k.a. littlesister's friend. And Nicolaj. Wuhu.

The best part? I don't even really like theese people. My family are a skrewed bunch, and most of my family have never been there for me throughout my childhood. Most of them, I only see once or twice a year. Then, I have one uncle and one my-dad's-cousin. They're both sooo cool, the only ones in my family I really really enjoy being with. What do they both do? Move to Jutland as soon as posible - I'm living on Sealand, it's the other end of the freaking country. It's a small country yes, but it still costs big bucks to travel between the islands, and none of those cool bastards have any money. My uncle, I last saw christmas eve. He will not be comming for christmas this year. The my-dad's-cousin, I haven't seen for 1½ year or more. Lovely, right?
And I'm sooo not up for eating a big family dinner. I'm not in the mood for eating anything. It's really rare that I feel like this, and it's the ultimate opporunity to fast. So why, oh why, do we have to have this stinking birthday-party today?!

I kinda have a plan. I'm planning on locking myself up in the bathroom about half an hour before dinner, making vomiting-noises and splashing with a bit with some water. When I get out, I'll stand real still, looking all pale as always, and muble something about me not feeling very well.
If that doesn't work... I'll have to purge. I hate planning those things, but girls, I am almost down to where I was before gaining more than I'll admit right here, right now. I cannot ever affort to gain again! Not when I have an alternative.

This is how I feel right now...

Oh girls, I have some wonderful news!
I've find a new, in real life(!), friend of mine, who's also struggling with Ana. She's put on some weight after her parrents found out last year, and she's really unhappy with that, so now, she's going to try and lose it again. And even though she a STICK already, I cannot help but being glad I have someone to share this burden with, this constant effort to lose some freaking weight. The best thing? She's in my fucking class. I'll see her every single day for the next 1½ year! Soooo excited about that!
Oh, and just because I know she's probably reading this: Yes Sigi, you are a stick, and every bit sa perfect as Louise Roe. You're just trying to be even more stick'ier, and even though I know it's wrong, of course I support you <3

Also, I've been doing so great ever since Wednesday girls. Not one day have a not lost weight, not one day have I gone to bed, knowing I've fucked up. I haven't needed to purge, and I haven't needed to cut. It's so wonderful, I'm finaly gathering a bit hope, a bit belief. Belief in myself, in my being able to lose so much weight, being able to one day, years from now, being able to see my hip bones and my ribs. Thigh gap. A belly button piercing.
The thought alone is so inspirering, I can't wait 'til the next time I get to the gym (hopefully tomorrow, but maybe first Monday. No sooner than that.)

One day, I'm gonna look like that girl. Just wait and see!

So girls, I'm gonna go find something to wear that says "I-know-you're-my-family-but-I-really-don't-like-you-and-I'm-only-doing-this-to-be-polite". Maybe black pants and the new pull-over? Puffy hair and dark make-up? Something emo-ish, just to scare them a bit away? Lol, dunno.

I love you so so much my butterflies!
Seriously, you girls are the world to me!
Without you, every day would be so much more of a living hell...

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Edit: I ate the whole fucking thing. Purged. I hate myself. Fast tomorrow, ABC Monday.

Friday, October 21, 2011

I've now spent 20 minuts trying to figure out what to call this post. I've got nothing.

Yeah. I have no imagination what-so-ever today. Sorry about that, but it's hopefully not like you read my blog for the titles, right?

First of all girls, I'd like to assure everyone that I am not going Mia. It's nice to know that I have the opporunity to change if I mess up, but I know just what a bitch she is. I'll take care of myself, I'll be real careful, I promise.

So. I went to Copenhagen with Nicoalj yesterday. Got 3 new t-shirts and a new pull-over. It's very light though, so it's not really good for anything but it's looks
I've also gotten a hair-cut. At first I didn't really like it. But I do now. So it's all cool :)
I've also lost some weight the last two days. Once I'm down to an acceptable number, I'll tell you just how bad it was.

 Excuse me for my fatness. Just thought I'd show you what I bought :)

 And, the new haircut. Do you like it?

Generally, it's all going pretty well at the moment. I'm generally happy. I know I have control, even if I fuck up. But I don't, not at the moment. I even went to McDonalds yesterday, when in Copenhagen. I did have some fun in there, though. Check this out:
*Me and Nicolaj comes into McDonalds*
Clerk: What can I help you with?
Louise: I'd like a chicken ceasar salad, please.
Clerk: What would you like to drink?
Louise: Nothing, he's buying it for me *point's at Nicolaj*
Clerk: Alright, so what can I help you with? *Turns to Nicolaj*
Nicolaj: I'd like a Big Mac Menu with Fanta and extra kethup, 3 cheese-burgers and a diet Coke.
Clerk: ... o_O

Seriously, it was sooo funny to watch!
But really, he is pretty disgusting. I mean, how can he eat so much junk? And he's so freaking thin! Like, he's skin and bones. That's what drives me the most. When I'm lying against his naked body, and I can see his ribs, feel his hip-bones against me. I want that. I want to be thinner than him. The girl can't be the fattest in a relationship, right? So, I've got to get skinny. Like, real skinny. You can see 4 of his ribs or so. So I need to be real skinny.

And that's why I've decided to give ABC another go.
I know it's stupid, and I'll proberbly never finish it. But I will proberbly not stop trying until I've finnished it either. So yeah, I'll give it another go, starting this Monday.
I'll change one thing! November 2th, Nicolaj is having his 18th birthday party. So I'll make that a 500 day, and then have the 250 I should have had on day 9 instead.
Also, if I do mess up a day, purging or no purging, I'll go on as I as supposed to, and then re-do it after the 50 days have ended. That way, I'm sure I'll get all the days, even if it'll take some extra time.

I've got work today. Ask me if I feel up to it? No. I do not. Not at all. But then again, I like money. And I really like the idea of having a drievrs license. So I need to do it. Oh sigh.
And, because I've got the evening-shift, I'm the one who has to throw away all the Danish pastry. Seriously, I hate doing it. I will do it, but i really hate the feeling of throwing all that food away when nothings wrong with it. I hate it! I wish I was allowed to take it all with me to some shelter of something, so someone at least could get something out of it. Someone homesless, or someone with 10 kids and no job. Something like that. Someone less fortunate than me.
We're not allowed to. The policy is that if you take anything out of the store and don't pay for it, it's stealling. It's not the boss that descides that, it's a general thing in Denmark.

Oh, now I'm at the topic, did you know that Danish pastry is not from Denmark? Like, we didn't invent it.
Back in time, like 1800 or 1900, the bakeries had big troubles 'cause all the bakers decided to strike. Don't even remember why. So we imported some bakers from Vienna, and they came along with all these sweet bread that we were not used to. We had something called Rundstykker. Don't know if you guys have something like it, but Goggle translate just calls is rolls? Anyway, the Danes liked it so much, they brought it out to the rest of the world. And that's why it's called Danish pastry. In Denmark, we call it "wienerbrød" (Vienne-bread).
Lol, just thought I'd tell you, 'cause I think about everytime I write about it in here!

Okay, focus on again.

So, I better go get ready for work.
I love you girls. I love how you always worry about me, think about me, comfort me when I'm down and all that shit. You think more about me and my feelings than anyone else I know. And I don't even "known"-know you. You guys are amazing!
I love you all, so much.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Weekly weigh-in and purging.

Here should be my weekly weigh-in. But girls, it's so bad, I can't share it with you. Seriously, even if you paid me too, I woulnd't. It's really, erally bad. Like the "Oh my God, did she eat an entire city?"-bad. Like, it-shouldn't-be-posible-to-gain-that-much! kind of bad. But I know it, and I will share it with you next week, I promise, no matter if I have improved or not. I just can't bring myself to do it right now.

Firstly, news about the party I went to last Saturday. Did I ever mention I was going to a party? Well, I was. I ate beneath 50 calories before the party, so my stomac was pretty much just empty. Now, from when I arrived at the party, and until the next day
THIS MUCH vodka had dissapeared from my bottle!
When I woke up, I was like "holy crap, no wonder I feel bad!".
Oh well, back tot he party.
I drank - a lot - danced, played drinking games with the others, laughed, walked up the stairs in my stiletoes a milion times! And, I purged.
I went down on my knees, bent over the toilet, stuck my fingers down in the throat, and up came the tortilla chips I'd aten because I'd gotten too drunk. Along with quite a bit of vodka and sugarfree soda.
You girls have no idea what this means to me! It's the first time I've purged, ever! Do you remember your first time? Even though I was totally wasted, I felt the rush of power, of selfcontrole!
Oh, and even though McDonalds were like, THIS close, I didn't even go. Both the times the others did! I'd totally planned on going, but I was just too drunk to bother getting up there.
My hangover spoiled that the next day when it ordered pizza, chocolate, endless amounts of white bread and garlic creme-cheese. And I was too afraid to purge. I'd only done it once. And by then, I'd been too drunk to notice how bad it felt actually doing it. So I didn't. I had a 4 days binge. And now it's Wednesday, and my weight is completely out of controle.

It's my brothers birthday today. He turns 16, but it's not a big deal. 18 is the big deal in DK.
So, the family went together for breakfast. I never eat breakfast!
I had 1½ wheat buns with creme-cheese.
I felt like such a failure when I stepped on the scale after that (didn't have the time to do it before). I took a shower, thinkg about the low weight I'd been at Sunday morning, after purging. I thought about how I purged that night, wished I could do it again. But I was so afraid, afraid it would hurt, that I wouldn't be able to do it, afraid that the others would hear me. Ana stepped in and saved the day.
She made me do it, right there in the shower. First with the fingers, but when that didn't work out, and blood started comming up because I'd scrapped my throat with my nails, she got me go get a tooth-brush. It worked. It was very very little (wheat-buns are HARD, huh?), but for me it was a giant step. You know what this means girls?
Even when I mess up, I can controle it.
Next time (believe me, there'll be a next time), I'll keep going until I'm sure no more can come up. I know lot's could have come up today, but just that small part that did... It meant so much more to me than I'd ever though vomit could. My throat hurts a bit, though, 'cause of the scrappes and the toothbrush.

Oh wow. This post turned pretty gross, didn't it?

So girls, as you can hear, I think I'm pretty much back.
My parrents have planned today. First, I'm going to the dentist (I've brushed my teeth so thoroughly after purging - I know what those acids can do, and even though it's only second time, it's better to be prepared, right?). Well, the dentist doesn't have anything to do with my brothers birthday. But, at noon we'll all be going to the cinema. No problems there, I'll just order a diet coke. After that, we're going out for dinner. HELP! I'm so so bad at eating out! I always plan on ordering a salad, then look at all the lovely stuff on the menu, and order something fat and gross.
I have no idea what the menu is like at the place. I guess I'll just skip looking at the card, get my mom to look for a ceasar salad, and order that. That way, I won't be tempted. I've made a deal with my mom earlier. She wants to help me pick something healthy, so I think I can get her to order a ceasar salad without dressing for me. Don't you?

Oh my, I just realized something! My jar have been hurting since Sunday morning, and I have not been able to understand why. I though it was because my retainer (it's not the whole brace, okay? Just on the inside of the teeth, to make sure they don't get out of place) halfway broke Saturday. But now they started hurting even more, and at the same time I looked up the consecueses of Bulimia. It says that your cheeks will swollow and be sore. Could that be the reason? Because I purged Saturday night? I was too drunk to even notice pain, I know 'cause I cut myself pretty much, and I couldn't even feel that). What do you think, could that be why?

Well girls, I'm up for the dentist soon, so I've got to leave you.
I love you all. Thanks for all the wonderful comments you always leaves me! It means so much more to me than you will ever understand, even if it's just some short thing 'cause you didn't know what to write. I means that you're there, that you read this shit and care for me. And that, I will never be able to thank you enough for!
You're all so beautiful.
I'm striving for being one of you some day.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Friday, October 14, 2011

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone. But I hold on to our secrets {3

Thank you girls. It means so much to me that you're always there for me. That we're all always there for each other. This only community is just amazing! I mean, we all have each other, and no one is ever really alone. We all listen to each other, help each other, laugh at each other, comfort each other. We're never alone here girls.
You all means the world to me <3

Nicolaj got home yesterday girls!
Of course, that means that we had dinner together, along with his family. But it's okay, it was just some soup with potatoes, carrots and parsnip. And then some potato-boats for me besides (they had meat as well, but since I say I'm a vegetarian, they never think twice about me eating half meals).
Then two of his mothers home-made wheat buns. A small piece of cake. And a pear.

I haven't been eating good girls. I never got the chance to tell you yesterday, but I binged Wednesday (just as predicted; maybe I am psycic? ö). Yesterday I didn't have anything but what I ate at Nicolaj's. But that's a lot, so I count it as a binge. That's two in two days. That's bad girls.
Today, I have to go to work. And in the evening, just before we close, I'm all alone with the danish pastry, supposed to throw it all out. But we're allowed to eat it. And it just seems like such a waste, throwing all those nasty sticky delicious things out, when I know people somewhere are starving to death, unintendedly. Gah!

And now, as I promised Beth (and a couple of others :) )
25 random things about me that you'd never know if you hadn't read it here.

  1. I'm pretty emo-ish/alternative-ish in my style. I hate being called emo, though. But really, my heart beats for country music. It always surprises people, because I just don't look like the country kind of girl.
  2. I'm absolutely obssesed with The Sookie Stackhouse Novels by Charlain Harris. I buy all of them overseas when they come out, because I just can't stand waiting for the translation. I know everything about the stories. I've read those books more times than I can count. I'm always reading one of them. When the series end, it's so long since I read the first, I start over.
  3. I believe Alexander Skarsgård is the hottest thing that ever walked on this earth. Dead or alive. Sorry Nicolaj.
  4. I'm a wannarexic. I don't have anorexia, though I am eating disordered. I'm trying hard as fuck to eat as little as possible, and working out as much a possible. But really, I'm not Ana materiel. I'm still hoping I'll be some day, though. I want anorexia so bad, because what I have now is even worse. I'm sure it is.
  5. I dream of being a natural beauty. Right now, I always dye my hair in crazy colours and wear lots of make-up. But once I'm thin, beautiful, I want my own hair-colour back, I want to wear simple and delicate clothes, and be able to still stand out in them 'cause of my beauty.
  6. I could be one of those girls with straight A's, if I wasn't so lazy. I have a natural talent for learning and understanding, and a high IQ. But School just doesn't mean a thing to me. I'm only doing it because I want a good job sometime later.
  7. When I was a kid, I always wished to be a boy. They can pee standing! I was a tomgirl on the outside. I would always pretend to hate everything girly, but truly, I loved playing with my dolls.
  8. I'm afraid of needels. Like, terrified. Really. Everytime I have to go get at shot, I take my mom with me in the doctors room, so she can hold my hand. I always lay down and get them as well, 'cause I'm afraid I'll get dizzy and faint if I don't.
  9. I'm also afraid of the dark. There's something evil hidden within the darkness, in the air all around us. I'm sure, 'cause else I wouldn't be so afraid. I always run through our house if I have to get up and pee at night, turning on every switch on the way.
  10. I'm really paranoid. It's actually pretty extreme. If I'm walking somewhere, and there's only one other person, even in the daylight, I'm sure he's out to get me. Maybe he wants to rob me, maybe he wants to rape me, I don't know. But I'm sure he wants something evil for me. I have trust issues.
  11. I eat my feelings. I eat when I'm happy, because for a moment, I feel happy. I eat when I'm real sad, because I just can't manage having to think about not eating an dbeing all hungry. My only succesfull fasts are made when I'm neaither happy nor sad.
  12. I would like to be Better. I'd like to be less lazy, so I could make an effort in school and show my teachers my true talent. I'd like to be able to just sit down and do my homework. But I have a weak will.
  13. I am really bad at making new friends. Once you get to know me, I'll talk your ear off. But unless you take the first step, I'll never be more than the quiet emo-girl in the corner.
  14. I think in english. Most of my thoughts are done in english, though my mother tongue is danish.
  15. I have a lousy humor. Seriously girls, it's really bad. I mean, of course I find normal humor funny. I just also find bad humor funny.
  16. I love to sing, and mostly I believe it sounds good. But apparently, it's only when I hear it from inside my head that it's good. If I record it and then play it, I believe it's horrible. I still sing, though. Just not public.
  17. I have never smoked. Like, not even inhaled it once. I've never gotten high. i've never taken any drugs of any kind. I'd love to try it some time, but at the same time, I'm scared. Not because it's unhealthy, but because I love being able to say I haven't done it.
  18. I love drinking though. My boyfriend doesn't approve of me drinking, but it's getting better each day. I love that dizzy feeling you get, and how everything just seems funny all of the sudden. I'm a good drunk. I don't get angry, or sad, or reveal all my deepest secrets. I yell a bit instead of talking, I've been told. But I swear, it's unitendedly.
  19. My voice sucks. It's not deep nor high, but an annoying undescribable in-the-middle. It's an annoying sound though, and it's naturally loud. I always cut right through at gatherings.
  20. I suck at sports. Whitch is a bad thing, 'cause I suck at losing too. I can get real mad, even sad, if I lose something, and the more the winner makes out of it, the more sad I get. I always try to deny it, telling everyone what went wrong and that it wasn't my fault, even when it was and I know it.
  21. I have a natural talent for being a good psycologist. I'm thinking about turning it into a carrier. Seriously girls, I'm not just imagining this. I can go so much deeper than anyone I know, find the reason behind everything, most times get whoever I want to tell me very secret things they never ment to tell. I always thought everyone could do this, until 2 or 3 years ago.
  22. The only hobby I've ever been able to keep interest in, is the scouts. That's kind of embarasing, but then again, I've never been even close to being popular. People think I'm a weirdo anyway, might as well give them a reason. I love my scouts! I love all the friends and good memories it's given me, and I love actually being good at something. I think I'm good at it, at least. Not the best. But better than a lot of the others in my troup.
  23. I tell people I'm a vegetarian, but I still eat meat almost every day. It's mostly chicken, and since some "vegetarians" eat that as well, it does make me feel a bit less guilty. But really, there's no excuse. It's an animal, sweet an innocent, and I'm a crual murderer for eating them, even if it tastes real good and has real low calories. For meat, you know.
  24. I'm hopelessly romantic. The only movies I truly love is romantic comedies, and all my best fantasies about me and Nicolaj includes something incredibly romantic. It's really like, to the point where normal people feel like vommiting. The Disney kind of romance!
  25. I work at a grocerystore for a minimum wage. But it's okay, 'cause I mostly it's a not too stressing job, you meet a lot of friendly people, and in some way, you catch an insight of their lifes through the groceseries they buy. I know all the alcoholics now, I knew those who are fat and not trying to change it, and I even believe we have an eating disordered or two. And it's good money, that's for sure.

Wow girls. I hope you enjoy it, 'cause it took me forever to write! Like, over an hour. I even ate a bit while writing it, I lost that much focus! Damn.

Well girl, I'm absolutely drained now, so I'm just gonna go do some more school-work. I hope. That, or Tetris battle! LOL.

So girls, until next time,
stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
I love you all so much!
- Bella

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The story of my dad

I still remember the day.
It was not long time after I'd switched school, and I hated the new one. So I'd skipped classes, and had instead gone to my old school, to hang out with Nicolaj and my best friend Ditte, who both went there. We were planning on going to Køge, the nearst shopping-place we have where I live.
My dad had gone to work, as always. But he must have come home only minuts, if not seconds, after I'd left for the old school at 11am.
We went to my place, Nicolaj, Ditte and I. The door was unlocked. But when I went in, no one was there.
I went straight to the living-room. On the dinningtable sat 3 empty bottles of wine. The 3rd was laying down, as if knocked over. The wine was everywhere.
There were letters on the table, from him to my mom. And a picture of her.
The chair was knocked over.
There was an epty bottle of pain-killers, pills. The kind that's dangerous if you take more than 8 or so.
I was 14. I knew what had happend. I just knew it, the moment I saw the empty bottle.
I tried calling my mom, but she didn't answer. I kept trying for 15 minuts, before I finally broke down. Nicolaj and Ditte took me to my room. They held me, and comforted me.

After 15 more minuts, when I'd calmed down, I tried calling my mom again. She answered. I asked her, right away: "What happend? Did he take them? Did he take them?". She told me yes, he'd taken them, all of them. But he'd regretted just afterwards, and called her. She'd called an ambulance. He was going to survive, it was all going to be allright.
I spend the night at Ditte's place. My brother and sister, unaware of what had happend, stayed with my grandparrents.
I will never forget that day...

When I was young, I had a great relationenship with my dad. When I'd gotten overweight, and had gone to a fat-camp for 10 weeks to lose weight and gotten home real pretty and all normal, we'd walk together a couple of times a week. We'd just walk, and I'd tell him about everything, all my problems. And he'd comfort me, and try to find ways to solve them. He carred for me. And I loved him very much.
But as time went by, the walks started to feel more and more akward. I wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't tell him about my life anymore. I was gaining weight, and I was doing it fast. When I was 13, we stopped.
I was a very sad kid. Hopelessly in love with my best boy friend, I was starting to wear only dark clothes. I would put safety pins in my pants, badges on my shirts. I started to wear heavy black make-up, eyeliner on my whole eyelid. Never used black lipstick, though. I would if I'd had it.
My dad hated it. He kept telling my how ugly it was. I kept getting darker and darker, kept gaining weight. He kept telling me how ugly I was.
It came to a point where we never spoke to each other. And when we did, we would fight. Over me, my looks, my weight, everything.
It was when I was 13 that I first went only and found a Pro-Ana side. She's been with me ever since, though I've never really listened to her. Not like now.
Then, at the age of 14, he got a depression and tried to kill himself. After his suicide-attempt, everything just went to hell. He would break down and cry, or he would throw around with the table and the glasses, yelling about how miserable his life was. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life.

After he started taking his medication, as he got happier and the breakdowns stopped comming all the time, we got better. But only for a little while, and only in a superficial way. When he'd tried to kill himself, I'd been so broken. I'd cried for days, being affraid of losing him. Now, I often wonder how my life would have been if he really had died. Not wishing for it, but not quiet not. I'm a terrible person.

From when I was 15, he started to accept the way I looked. I dyed my hair black, then red, the platinum blond. Black and blue. Black. Blond. Black and pink. Every time I dye it a new colour, he tells me how awful it makes me look.
My make-up developed too. From all black, to lots of colours, back to black, light make-up, then a mix of all of them.
I kept gaining.

As time went by, we started fighting again. Now, everytime we fight, it's about how I'm just using them, not carring about anything but myself. About me being fat...
I have mentioned what he's said before. He keep hurting me, calling me fat and a failure.
Everytime we ever agued, Ana's voice became stronger and stronger in my head. At this point, she's so strong that I'm not even sure it's me living my life. She's in everything I do. She's always with me. I never think of anything but her. And my dad is to blame for that.

I figured all that out yesterday, when we had yet another argument.
He closed my phone because I hadn't cleaned my room. Truth is, I was dyeing my hair as he told me, so I couldn't clean at that moment. It made me curse him, and wish he was he. He knows Nicolaj is in Budapest, that the only contact I have with him is my phone. He knows, and that's exactly why he did it!!! I hate the stupid bastard.
I really do. It's not just when I'm mad at him. I can admit it to myself, even when I'm truly happy and all.

At least he helped me into this. He helped me find you guys. And I love you all so much!
And, I've figured out the reason to my eating disorder. I want him to see me. Care for me, worry about me. I want some of his attention. I want him to realize what he fucking did to me!

Dear dad.
I hope you're proud.
You've killed your first born.
You killed her soul!
Turned her into...
I am nothing anymore.
I hope, when you're lying on your dead bed, seeing I'm not there, that you realize just how much of an ass you've been your entire life.
I hate you...


Dear girls, I'm sorry to have bored you with this.
I just really needed to get it all out.
To share it with you guys.

I love you all.
I love you so, so much!
I'm sorry about this depressing post.
I really am!
I just... Yeah :/

Stay strong girls!
- Bella