Monday, October 24, 2011

ABC Day 1 - 500 or less...

I hate myself.
You remember I was planning on fasting yesterday, right?
Well, to hell with that. Binged on crisps. At my friends house. Tried purging while she took a shower. Couldn't find something I could use. My hands weren't good enough, apparently.
Why did I fucking eat that? I was so motivated, I didn't even want them!
She just made me so sad, 'cause we talked about the time she had anorexia/bulimia. Seriously girls, I've never even heard of someone who had it as bad as her. When she was 15, she weighed 28 kg/61,7 lbs! It's fucking crazy! I mean, how is she still alive?
She'd live om soda only. The sugar just kept her going. Whenever she ate, even just a tiny bit (fruit porriged only) she'd purge it. She's walk around town for hours, pretending to eat at a friends house. 
The worst is, in my ears, all this sounds like my ideal. But the way she told it to me yesterday... There was nothing want-worthy there. It just sounded mad, sad and pathetic.
I think that's why I ate. That, or I have no self controle. Maybe that's more likely.

I swear girls, I'm not trying to make purging a habbit. I just had to try and get those crisps out! I swear, I'm not going bulimic. I will only purge when binging or breaking a fast before I'm allowed to. I swear I'll be careful, okay?

Starting ABC today. No purging through that, unless I go over limit which I will not do!
I want to make it this time! Only lasted 6 days last time. My best is, like, 15 days of it. And that was with cheating. Damn I'm weak.
Well, not this time girls, I swear! This time, I will make it without cheating! And I might undo those two days back that I switched. I mean, it just would feel too much like cheating.
I've written the daily limits into my calender. That way, I'll be reminded about it all the time.
Haven't eaten anything yet. Wasn't really planning on. (Hey, it does say less, right?) I just don't feel like I should be allowed to eat after binging yesterday.

I'm of school late today, so I'll be at the gym around 4pm. Then I'll work out for like 1½ or 2 hours, shower, wait for the bus home. I'll be home 6:15pm or 7:15pm, depending on what bus I catch. Late enough for me to miss eating with the others, and just make something for myself (that I will throw directly into the garbage can). 
Also, I have an energy drink for gym, if I'll feel like passing out or something. That'll be my calories for the day. If I do drink it.

I don't know what's with me today. I'm just in a bad mood.
At some point, I miss Nicolaj sooo much it hurts. But every time he writes, I'm just like "yeah yeah, whatever": Like, I miss him, but I really want to be alone anyway.
And at some point I want to eat, eat until my belle bursts. But then I realize that I wouldn't be satisfied even if I could eat the whole fucking store.
I don't know why this happens, but mostly, it happens while I'm in school, feeling lonely and bored. I just sit there, looking out the window. Dreaming of just laying in bed, warm and comfy, with a good book or a good movio going. A huge ice cold diet coke. And a numb stomac I don't want to feel either full or hungry. I don't want to feel the pain of having eaten too much, nor too little.
Just numb.
That's just about how I feel right now. I don't know what I feel, but I'm starting to not feel at all.

I'm just looking forward to go to the gym.
I want to feel the warm air in my lungs, the sweat tickle down my face, the pain of fat dissapering from my body.

I don't knwo what to write you girls.
I feel like I should give you so much more,
but my brain is absolute mush.
I'm sorry...

I love you girls, alright?
I love you all so much!

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

Update: Ate around 500. Drank 250. Burned 375 at the gym. Have I gone over, or is it just my net-total that has to be beneath 500? 

Update on  my update: Okay, calculated it, and turns out I didn't go over 500, even with the 250 from the Cult. But still, please answer my question? What do you think about it, does it have to be your intake or you net-total that's beneath the limit?

Update on my updates update: Calculated again, and I did go over by 175 or so. Fuck me. New diet, and I can't even manage the first day? And it's too late to purge. Damn.


  1. Wow, that's crazy about your friend. Don't freak out about the crisps because it could have been much worse than it was. As for the calorie question, I always go with intake as my total number. To me it feels like if I say 'oh i've eaten 500 but I've burned off 200' then what I'm really doing is making up an excuse for myself to justify eating something else that I really don't need or want ya know?

  2. I'm just worried that you will keep purging and not be able to stop :( I don't want to lose my darling Bella! I switched blogs, so this is why things look different....just so you know.

    If you mess up on the ABC don't hate yourself. You shouldn't do that with any diet. Messing up once doesn't make you a failure. Just learn from it.

    I hope things go better tomorrow, babe. Please stay strong and safe.

  3. I always try to keep below my calorie limit but if I've exercised then I can sometimes a little more lenient with how much I eat. Only a little bit though.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. It takes time to ease into an eating routine. So just take your time and try your hardest.

    Tomorrow is a new day and therefore a new start. I hope you feel better tomorrow :)
    We're all here for you.