Thursday, October 27, 2011

Day 1 - 500 or less...

B - 0
L - 200g vanilla 0,1% yogurt (70) w. 19g All Bran (62)
D - 1 Cup o' Soup Minestrone (75)w. 1 piece og whole-wheat bread (90)
S - 1 piece of candy (18), 1 piece of whole-wheat bread (90) w. 1 slice of ham (34)
Total - 439

Exercise bike -
Treadmil - 50
Weights - 50
Total - 300

Net-total - 139

So, first day of ABC. Again. I'm feeling so much more up to it today girls.
Didn't fast yesterday as I'd planned. Fasted for, like, half a day, then went home and ate 800+ in one sitting. Purged, because I had to. (I've made a rule for myself; I'm only allowed to purge when eating 800+, and only if eaten in one sitting. Unless I go over the daily limit). Went to the gym after that, burned 200 doing cardio, and not enough on the weights for it to count. I was feeling a bit bad after purging. Of course, I just had to purge less than 5 minuts before leaving, while both my mom and Amanda were waiting for me outside the door, getting more and more irritated at me being so slow in the bathroom (if only they knew what I was doing in there...)
Ate 2 small buns before going to bed, because I'm on my period and craaaving food all the time. I'm weak, I know it. That's why I'll try and "spread" my ABC calories as much as posible. And to make sure I don't binge, I will use up all/most of my calories, which will be counted as my intake only. No cheating and eat more than I should, just because I've worked out a bit. No way I get to ruin that.

So, today I've had some yogurt for lunch, a piece of bread for snack, and a cup soup with a piece of bread for dinner. With me, it's like this: the mornings are easy. I never get hungry until 9am or so, and when I do, it's the kind of hunger that makes you not want to eat any more. The good kind, the kind that makes you want to keep embracing it. Then around 11am-12am, the hunger sets in. I have a lunch break at 11:30am, so I can reach eating before it gets to bad. Sadly, I get hungry again around 1. When I can, I eat an apple there. If I can't, I don't eat. I'm of either 1:40pm or 3:25pm. If I go to the gym, the hunger will disapear when I work out. But if I'm going to work, down to the hut, or just to be with Nicolaj, it remains. That's my biggest binging-time, when I get home. In half an hour, in can ingest 1000 of calories if I have the means. About 6pm, the hunger goes away again. So basicly, the only time I'm really hungry, the only time I always binge, is between 1 and 6, in this 5-hour streach.

 Durring the ABC, I'll try and work on that 5-hour-thing. It's only because I haven't eaten breakfast regularly since I was 13, and also skipped dinner after eating like a pig when getting home (before my ED really took over, and I just ate like that, even if I wasn't starving). My body has gotten so used to eating tons and tons of shit food in this short setting, and then cutting it of. Damn.

Oh my. Girls, my sister (Amanda) just came in here in the living room. She is 12, turns 13 in December. She's currently been on this kind of fat camp (I believe I've mentioned it before?), and she lost a huge amount of weight, and is now normal weighing. She'd like to lose 1 or 2 kg/2,2 or 4,4 lbs more.
She's soing to Zumba today, with my mom. That's why she was in the living room with me; she was waiting for my mom. She told me that she really really needs to lose 1 kg/2,2 lbs before Monday, because then my parrents will buy her this jacket she really wants. She told me that, in order to get that, she has pretty much stopped eating. She had som müsli for breakfast and a piece of the whole-wheat bread today, and that she really didn't want any dinner. If that happend, she's have eaten just underneath 500 calories today. She also told me that tis was not just today, but pretty much just lately. She actually said, and I quote: "I exercise a lot, and I don't really eat, and dad wants me to lose 1 kg before next week, and I'm so hungry!" in huge dispear.
Girls, this is totally like hearing me? The thing with exercising, the amount of food, our dad pressing us to lose weight! Girls, I'm so scared for her!
So, because I after all am a good, concerned sister who doesn't want her to stop eating, I made her a low-cal snack that she could eat quick before Zumba. Half a piece of whole-wheat bread (45) w. some ketchup (10), a piece of ham (34) and a little pizza topping (25). Totally tastes like pizza, and "only" 114 calories. She loved it! I told her a normal person should have 2000 calories a day, and that she'd had beneath 500, so it would all be okay. She even talked herself into eating a bit dinner, because she was sooo far from having eaten what a normal person should (so, she's a bit you yet, so it's actually 1500. But as long as it gets her to eat it's alright, right? I mean, it's for her own best!)

I hate knowing others have this disease. The girl from my class, you girls, my mom, and now my sister is starting this shit too? I hate it! I mean, on one side, it's lovely to know I'm not alone. But it's just so shitty, I hate for other people to go through this. I just want to cure all of you girls, take all your disease and stuff it inside me so you girls don't have to!

I'm sorry lovelies. The mood in this post kinda turned after I had that talk wit my sister :/
So, now I'll go make that soup and that bread that I wrote as dinner, and then I'll have used up my calories for today.
I love you all so so much girls!
Until next time,
stay strong, think thin and be beautiful!
- Bella


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  2. Ugh :/ Sorry, Bella. My comments have been so off today. This diet is ruining my ability to think..I swear. Anyways, that little pizza thing does sound delicious. And it sounds like you did wonderful. Remember when you talked about that exercise bike thing and being able to read..? I'm getting one! So excited!

  3. Beautiful Bella. Loved your pics!! Glad to see you are on the ABC. Me and the other girls on it are on Day 26. It doesnt seem like I have made it that far already, but of course, I have the most complicated life POSSIBLE, so everything flies by for me.

    Missed you and Love you!

  4. awesome job, sweetheart! <3
    all-bran cereal. how does it taste like? hmm...?
    purging. i wish i can purge out all foods. but only specific foods. [carrots?! why the hell would i care if i can purge out a full 25-calorie carrot?! *sigh*]
    i'm glad you recognised that out!
    i also realise i am so much into a binge mode, unless i exercise. and i used to exercise three different times when i was fasting just so the hunger wouldn't settle in so bad that i might break it. it was the day that i couldn't exercise that i did break it. though now, i'm trying to get back into the habit of exercising. just do it.
    horrid! i always fear something happening to my sisters but i'm like "no, they love food too much..."
    sometimes i want to as well. it is a silent suffering that i do not enjoy all of the time. it feels like something's just missing i won't feel right ever again until that number settles in.

    fly, fly, little butterfly <3
    Sam Lupin

  5. I wish i could purge like that, just whenever. but i can purge only when i eat small amounts of food or a lot of liquid (both which is stupid to purge).
    i hope your sister will stop with this when she loses that 1kg she wants to take off. i hate seeing people i know and care about starting to talk like that about food and exercising. i just fear for them as i know how painful, or well hard sometimes this is.
    glad your first day went well.
    take care and good luck xoxo