Weekly weigh-in and purging.

Here should be my weekly weigh-in. But girls, it's so bad, I can't share it with you. Seriously, even if you paid me too, I woulnd't. It's really, erally bad. Like the "Oh my God, did she eat an entire city?"-bad. Like, it-shouldn't-be-posible-to-gain-that-much! kind of bad. But I know it, and I will share it with you next week, I promise, no matter if I have improved or not. I just can't bring myself to do it right now.

Firstly, news about the party I went to last Saturday. Did I ever mention I was going to a party? Well, I was. I ate beneath 50 calories before the party, so my stomac was pretty much just empty. Now, from when I arrived at the party, and until the next day

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|
|
|
|
|
|

THIS MUCH vodka had dissapeared from my bottle!

When I woke up, I was like "holy crap, no wonder I feel bad!".

Oh well, back tot he party.

I drank - a lot - danced, played drinking games with the others, laughed, walked up the stairs in my stiletoes a milion times! And, I purged.

I PURGED!

I went down on my knees, bent over the toilet, stuck my fingers down in the throat, and up came the tortilla chips I'd aten because I'd gotten too drunk. Along with quite a bit of vodka and sugarfree soda.

You girls have no idea what this means to me! It's the first time I've purged, ever! Do you remember your first time? Even though I was totally wasted, I felt the rush of power, of selfcontrole!

Oh, and even though McDonalds were like, THIS close, I didn't even go. Both the times the others did! I'd totally planned on going, but I was just too drunk to bother getting up there.

My hangover spoiled that the next day when it ordered pizza, chocolate, endless amounts of white bread and garlic creme-cheese. And I was too afraid to purge. I'd only done it once. And by then, I'd been too drunk to notice how bad it felt actually doing it. So I didn't. I had a 4 days binge. And now it's Wednesday, and my weight is completely out of controle.

It's my brothers birthday today. He turns 16, but it's not a big deal. 18 is the big deal in DK.

So, the family went together for breakfast. I never eat breakfast!

I had 1½ wheat buns with creme-cheese.

I felt like such a failure when I stepped on the scale after that (didn't have the time to do it before). I took a shower, thinkg about the low weight I'd been at Sunday morning, after purging. I thought about how I purged that night, wished I could do it again. But I was so afraid, afraid it would hurt, that I wouldn't be able to do it, afraid that the others would hear me. Ana stepped in and saved the day.

She made me do it, right there in the shower. First with the fingers, but when that didn't work out, and blood started comming up because I'd scrapped my throat with my nails, she got me go get a tooth-brush. It worked. It was very very little (wheat-buns are HARD, huh?), but for me it was a giant step. You know what this means girls?
I HAVE CONTROLE!

Even when I mess up, I can controle it.

Next time (believe me, there'll be a next time), I'll keep going until I'm sure no more can come up. I know lot's could have come up today, but just that small part that did... It meant so much more to me than I'd ever though vomit could. My throat hurts a bit, though, 'cause of the scrappes and the toothbrush.

Oh wow. This post turned pretty gross, didn't it?

So girls, as you can hear, I think I'm pretty much back.

My parrents have planned today. First, I'm going to the dentist (I've brushed my teeth so thoroughly after purging - I know what those acids can do, and even though it's only second time, it's better to be prepared, right?). Well, the dentist doesn't have anything to do with my brothers birthday. But, at noon we'll all be going to the cinema. No problems there, I'll just order a diet coke. After that, we're going out for dinner. HELP! I'm so so bad at eating out! I always plan on ordering a salad, then look at all the lovely stuff on the menu, and order something fat and gross.

I have no idea what the menu is like at the place. I guess I'll just skip looking at the card, get my mom to look for a ceasar salad, and order that. That way, I won't be tempted. I've made a deal with my mom earlier. She wants to help me pick something healthy, so I think I can get her to order a ceasar salad without dressing for me. Don't you?

Oh my, I just realized something! My jar have been hurting since Sunday morning, and I have not been able to understand why. I though it was because my retainer (it's not the whole brace, okay? Just on the inside of the teeth, to make sure they don't get out of place) halfway broke Saturday. But now they started hurting even more, and at the same time I looked up the consecueses of Bulimia. It says that your cheeks will swollow and be sore. Could that be the reason? Because I purged Saturday night? I was too drunk to even notice pain, I know 'cause I cut myself pretty much, and I couldn't even feel that). What do you think, could that be why?

Well girls, I'm up for the dentist soon, so I've got to leave you.

I love you all. Thanks for all the wonderful comments you always leaves me! It means so much more to me than you will ever understand, even if it's just some short thing 'cause you didn't know what to write. I means that you're there, that you read this shit and care for me. And that, I will never be able to thank you enough for!

You're all so beautiful.

I'm striving for being one of you some day.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥