Sometimes it's hard being the only insane person in the family.

So, Patrick a.k.a. littlebrother is holding his birthday-party for the family tonight. What a joy. Now I'll have all the four of my grandparrents, two of those wifes/girlfriends-through-30-years, two aunts, Patrick's friend and Amanda a.k.a. littlesister's friend. And Nicolaj. Wuhu.

The best part? I don't even really like theese people. My family are a skrewed bunch, and most of my family have never been there for me throughout my childhood. Most of them, I only see once or twice a year. Then, I have one uncle and one my-dad's-cousin. They're both sooo cool, the only ones in my family I really really enjoy being with. What do they both do? Move to Jutland as soon as posible - I'm living on Sealand, it's the other end of the freaking country. It's a small country yes, but it still costs big bucks to travel between the islands, and none of those cool bastards have any money. My uncle, I last saw christmas eve. He will not be comming for christmas this year. The my-dad's-cousin, I haven't seen for 1½ year or more. Lovely, right?

And I'm sooo not up for eating a big family dinner. I'm not in the mood for eating anything. It's really rare that I feel like this, and it's the ultimate opporunity to fast. So why, oh why, do we have to have this stinking birthday-party today?!

I kinda have a plan. I'm planning on locking myself up in the bathroom about half an hour before dinner, making vomiting-noises and splashing with a bit with some water. When I get out, I'll stand real still, looking all pale as always, and muble something about me not feeling very well.

If that doesn't work... I'll have to purge. I hate planning those things, but girls, I am almost down to where I was before gaining more than I'll admit right here, right now. I cannot ever affort to gain again! Not when I have an alternative.

This is how I feel right now...

Oh girls, I have some wonderful news!

I've find a new, in real life(!), friend of mine, who's also struggling with Ana. She's put on some weight after her parrents found out last year, and she's really unhappy with that, so now, she's going to try and lose it again. And even though she a STICK already, I cannot help but being glad I have someone to share this burden with, this constant effort to lose some freaking weight. The best thing? She's in my fucking class. I'll see her every single day for the next 1½ year! Soooo excited about that!

Oh, and just because I know she's probably reading this: Yes Sigi, you are a stick, and every bit sa perfect as Louise Roe. You're just trying to be even more stick'ier, and even though I know it's wrong, of course I support you <3

Also, I've been doing so great ever since Wednesday girls. Not one day have a not lost weight, not one day have I gone to bed, knowing I've fucked up. I haven't needed to purge, and I haven't needed to cut. It's so wonderful, I'm finaly gathering a bit hope, a bit belief. Belief in myself, in my being able to lose so much weight, being able to one day, years from now, being able to see my hip bones and my ribs. Thigh gap. A belly button piercing.

The thought alone is so inspirering, I can't wait 'til the next time I get to the gym (hopefully tomorrow, but maybe first Monday. No sooner than that.)

One day, I'm gonna look like that girl. Just wait and see!

So girls, I'm gonna go find something to wear that says "I-know-you're-my-family-but-I-really-don't-like-you-and-I'm-only-doing-this-to-be-polite". Maybe black pants and the new pull-over? Puffy hair and dark make-up? Something emo-ish, just to scare them a bit away? Lol, dunno.

I love you so so much my butterflies!
Seriously, you girls are the world to me!
Without you, every day would be so much more of a living hell...

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

- Bella ♥


Edit: I ate the whole fucking thing. Purged. I hate myself. Fast tomorrow, ABC Monday.