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Thursday, October 13, 2011

The story of my dad

I still remember the day.
It was not long time after I'd switched school, and I hated the new one. So I'd skipped classes, and had instead gone to my old school, to hang out with Nicolaj and my best friend Ditte, who both went there. We were planning on going to K√łge, the nearst shopping-place we have where I live.
My dad had gone to work, as always. But he must have come home only minuts, if not seconds, after I'd left for the old school at 11am.
We went to my place, Nicolaj, Ditte and I. The door was unlocked. But when I went in, no one was there.
I went straight to the living-room. On the dinningtable sat 3 empty bottles of wine. The 3rd was laying down, as if knocked over. The wine was everywhere.
There were letters on the table, from him to my mom. And a picture of her.
The chair was knocked over.
There was an epty bottle of pain-killers, pills. The kind that's dangerous if you take more than 8 or so.
I was 14. I knew what had happend. I just knew it, the moment I saw the empty bottle.
I tried calling my mom, but she didn't answer. I kept trying for 15 minuts, before I finally broke down. Nicolaj and Ditte took me to my room. They held me, and comforted me.

After 15 more minuts, when I'd calmed down, I tried calling my mom again. She answered. I asked her, right away: "What happend? Did he take them? Did he take them?". She told me yes, he'd taken them, all of them. But he'd regretted just afterwards, and called her. She'd called an ambulance. He was going to survive, it was all going to be allright.
I spend the night at Ditte's place. My brother and sister, unaware of what had happend, stayed with my grandparrents.
I will never forget that day...


When I was young, I had a great relationenship with my dad. When I'd gotten overweight, and had gone to a fat-camp for 10 weeks to lose weight and gotten home real pretty and all normal, we'd walk together a couple of times a week. We'd just walk, and I'd tell him about everything, all my problems. And he'd comfort me, and try to find ways to solve them. He carred for me. And I loved him very much.
But as time went by, the walks started to feel more and more akward. I wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't tell him about my life anymore. I was gaining weight, and I was doing it fast. When I was 13, we stopped.
I was a very sad kid. Hopelessly in love with my best boy friend, I was starting to wear only dark clothes. I would put safety pins in my pants, badges on my shirts. I started to wear heavy black make-up, eyeliner on my whole eyelid. Never used black lipstick, though. I would if I'd had it.
My dad hated it. He kept telling my how ugly it was. I kept getting darker and darker, kept gaining weight. He kept telling me how ugly I was.
It came to a point where we never spoke to each other. And when we did, we would fight. Over me, my looks, my weight, everything.
It was when I was 13 that I first went only and found a Pro-Ana side. She's been with me ever since, though I've never really listened to her. Not like now.
Then, at the age of 14, he got a depression and tried to kill himself. After his suicide-attempt, everything just went to hell. He would break down and cry, or he would throw around with the table and the glasses, yelling about how miserable his life was. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life.

After he started taking his medication, as he got happier and the breakdowns stopped comming all the time, we got better. But only for a little while, and only in a superficial way. When he'd tried to kill himself, I'd been so broken. I'd cried for days, being affraid of losing him. Now, I often wonder how my life would have been if he really had died. Not wishing for it, but not quiet not. I'm a terrible person.

From when I was 15, he started to accept the way I looked. I dyed my hair black, then red, the platinum blond. Black and blue. Black. Blond. Black and pink. Every time I dye it a new colour, he tells me how awful it makes me look.
My make-up developed too. From all black, to lots of colours, back to black, light make-up, then a mix of all of them.
I kept gaining.

As time went by, we started fighting again. Now, everytime we fight, it's about how I'm just using them, not carring about anything but myself. About me being fat...
I have mentioned what he's said before. He keep hurting me, calling me fat and a failure.
Everytime we ever agued, Ana's voice became stronger and stronger in my head. At this point, she's so strong that I'm not even sure it's me living my life. She's in everything I do. She's always with me. I never think of anything but her. And my dad is to blame for that.



I figured all that out yesterday, when we had yet another argument.
He closed my phone because I hadn't cleaned my room. Truth is, I was dyeing my hair as he told me, so I couldn't clean at that moment. It made me curse him, and wish he was he. He knows Nicolaj is in Budapest, that the only contact I have with him is my phone. He knows, and that's exactly why he did it!!! I hate the stupid bastard.
I really do. It's not just when I'm mad at him. I can admit it to myself, even when I'm truly happy and all.

At least he helped me into this. He helped me find you guys. And I love you all so much!
And, I've figured out the reason to my eating disorder. I want him to see me. Care for me, worry about me. I want some of his attention. I want him to realize what he fucking did to me!

Dear dad.
I hope you're proud.
You've killed your first born.
You killed her soul!
Turned her into...
Nothing.
I am nothing anymore.
I hope, when you're lying on your dead bed, seeing I'm not there, that you realize just how much of an ass you've been your entire life.
I hate you...

---

Dear girls, I'm sorry to have bored you with this.
I just really needed to get it all out.
To share it with you guys.

I love you all.
I love you so, so much!
I'm sorry about this depressing post.
I really am!
I just... Yeah :/

Stay strong girls!
- Bella

6 comments:

  1. Oh my god, Bella. I am literally crying so hard right now reading this! And after everything you just said to me.

    You don't deserve that at all. I am so sorry, babe. I wish I could take all of your pain away.

    I just.. I don't even really know what to say, I am so broken and speechless because of what you are going through.

    You are such a beautiful person inside and out and it is so very sad that you can't see that because of how you are treated, what you are told every single day of your life.

    I know how you feel because my father was the same way, he made me a very good writer, I wrote poems to him when I was only 7 years old and they were/are REALLY good!

    I want to share one with you:

    Daddy

    I wonder what you were thinking
    on the day that I was born.
    Was there disappointment in your heart,
    no son for your name to carry on.

    Did you ever stop and wonder
    what I'd grow up to be.
    Did you ever stop to think,
    how much of the world I'd see.

    Did you ever stop to think
    about my days growing up at home.
    I wonder if you realize,
    what I felt most, was alone.

    Did you know that all I wanted
    was your approval and your love.
    A smiling face, a shoulder to cry on,
    a daddies great big hug.

    What I wanted was not difficult
    it was really just your time.
    Your heart was held by something else,
    your affection was not mine.

    I wonder if you were ever proud of me
    you see, I do not know.
    I suppose I knew you loved me,
    but you never told me so.

    I wonder what you'll be thinking
    on your last day to live.
    Will you be afraid, will you be at peace,
    is it me you'll ask to forgive?




    I really hope that helps. I'm here for you too.
    Forever.

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  2. You are one of the most wonderful people I know (aside from my best friend) and you literally do not deserve this. It brought tears to my eyes! I am so sorry. Pinpointing the reason behind your eating disorder is a crucial point in getting over it. One day. I understand how you feel, though. How horrible that must be.
    How can you be so strong after all of that?
    No person should ever be treated like that, especially by their own parents.

    Never apologize for 'boring' us with that story. You needed to get it out and I'm sure all of us are happy to hear it and respond.
    I'm always here for you.

    Stay Strong & Never Give Up Hope

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  3. This is very sad, but I guess in some way adversity makes you stronger in the end. It's important to never lose sight of yourself and your own happiness, even when people around you act like idiots.


    / Avy
    http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com



    ReplyDelete
  4. :(
    oh my.
    i myself cannot fathom problems people get with their fathers, even though my relationship with my own father was never perfect. i used to wait around every weekend to see him come in and i would be the happiest thing ever. he used to be my shoulder, my comfort, my everything. i told him so much. and i never ever got that close to my mother and then, this shattered image of him being perfect just...disappeared. i don't know what happened. but i drifted away from him. he tried to desperately hold on, but that never worked.
    he expects much of me, of course. i am not good enough for him and every little thing he does, like buy me coffee or take me out, just makes me feel like there's some sort of special silvery invisible connection. when he'd grin at me, i'd grin back - almost as if sharing a secret.
    when he'd say something, i would listen and i would know.
    when he used to tell me i was fat and needed to lose weight, it killed me - and now he'd doing the very opposite. he's urging me to eat more. he notices this and calls my eating habits strange. it kills even more when i deny it all, hide it - this bond i've developed not with my father, but with food. i think we can both relate to that. that we needed that comfort again, that kind of loveliness that our fathers and ourselves once shared, and we just turn it on food, which feels like the enemy right then. like it was urging you to fail.
    i don't want him to accuse me. because he's not that man anymore but she...Annabelle [or so, because i don't like saying Ana], is just like that perfect image that i've built up of my Father. she is there, fixed into my mind, and i can only change her. nothing else. i can control her. and she controls me, closer to me, closer to anything else in the world.
    and here's what it is. then this woman comes along, let's just call her J right now. my teacher. and i see every aspect of my father in her. i want to be so fucking thin that she will push me aside and ask me about it. i want to be so made of bones that i will shock them of my intent.
    and i'm sorry of this depressing comment. just hoping to tell you -
    you are not alone. we're all here for some reason. and we will all be as thin as butterflies one day. <3 with our broken, soaring wings.

    -Sam Lupin

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  5. Oh Bella, my story is nothing like yours and yet I can relate so much. I would like to offer something more but I am speechless- I only wish I knew you so that I might hug you :( xx

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  6. We are little girls with daddy problems. My relationship with my dad is allot different and allot the same and it is one of the main causes of my ed also. Hugs. Everything gets better eventually.

    ReplyDelete