I stepped on the scale this morning... And I wanted to kill myself. So that's it. No more weigh-ins 'till I lose some weight! Once that weight's lost, I'll tell you the weight from tomorrow, and the other Wednesdays. But I'm not ready yet. For now, I just need support in getting back to my old habits. I'm a selfish bastard for asking for you support, knowing that I have not been giving anything lately. But I just need it real badly. Everything is so fucked up lately loves, and I have no control. I can't control what I eat, I can't control my fat ass in the gym, I can't control my cutting, my purging, my weight, my life... I have no control in any aspect of my life currently. And I hate every second of it. I really, honestly hate my life at the moment.
Okay, enough with the sour me. Being honest, my life has actually become better lately. I've been spending some time with my best friend, and I've worked things out with Nicolaj, so I have no reason to be miserable. But I am. I feel so sad and ill all the time. Really, honest to God, ill. I've been feeling nauseous, and light-headed and dizzy, I get headaches, and I've been trembling. I daily fear that I'll pass out in the middle of school or something! I drink enough, and I more than eat enough. I hardly ever purge anymore either. It's not the cigarettes, I'm sure. And it's not when I've gone long enough without eating or something. It just appears, out of the blue and chokingly bad sometimes.
Does anyone know this feeling? What's causing it? HOW DO I MAKE IT GO AWAY? *frustrated*
I'm getting my period today, and my stomach is killing me! My cramps got a lot better after I started using the pill. But the last couple of times, they've gotten pretty bad again, and I have no idea why. It's making me moody, and it gives me another excuse for eating more. Bad. I carve all sorts of stuff. Ben&Jerry's despite the cold, Cult, pizza, chocolate, candy... All these delicious things that I've been eating so much of lately. All the things I crave all the time. And when I give myself the excuse that I'm on my period... It ends up badly. I hate it. I hate myself for taking every excuse I can, use it, eat, eat, eat, eat, EAT.
I hate eating. I hate doing it. I hate how much I love it. Why can't I just shut my fat mouth and think, think, THINK?!
I'm so confused girls. Nicolaj thinks he's on the way into a new depression, and I agree. The last one had, I think it's almost two years ago, almost broke us up. I tried to break up with him several times. I stopped loving him. I was a bad girlfriend, admitted, but he made it so hard. It was so bad, and because he was only 16, no one listened to him when he told them he needed help. Not the doctors, his parents, no one. No one believed he was depressed. I was the only one there for him, and I was the one causing most of the trouble. It made it so hard.
If he gets one now, when I have all these problems myself... I don't know if we'll make it through. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through. I'm so afraid I'll break down, that I'll end up doing something really, really bad, like killing myself, or get in some sort of alcohol or drug abuse, or... Just something, something bad.
He never tells me anything. He never talks about his feelings until he just breaks down and cry it all out for hours while talking about how nothing is ever gonna work out for him.
I don't want this to break us. I don't want to lose my feelings for him. I don't want to lose him. He's all I care for. All that matters. I'd give my life for him. So why can't he just be happy? Why does he have to feel so bad? Sometimes, I have a hard time believing in God. This makes me bad Christian, if one at all. But it's true...
I'm sorry that I turned this into one another depression post. It just seems like that's all I can produce these days :/
Happy/Crappy valentine to you all, my loves. I have taken the courtesy to call you all my valentines, and if you don't like, too freaking bad!
I love you valentines.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥