I stepped on the scale this morning... And I wanted to kill myself. So that's it. No more weigh-ins 'till I lose some weight! Once that weight's lost, I'll tell you the weight from tomorrow, and the other Wednesdays. But I'm not ready yet. For now, I just need support in getting back to my old habits. I'm a selfish bastard for asking for you support, knowing that I have not been giving anything lately. But I just need it real badly. Everything is so fucked up lately loves, and I have no control. I can't control what I eat, I can't control my fat ass in the gym, I can't control my cutting, my purging, my weight, my life... I have no control in any aspect of my life currently. And I hate every second of it. I really, honestly hate my life at the moment.
Okay, enough with the sour me. Being honest, my life has actually become better lately. I've been spending some time with my best friend, and I've worked things out with Nicolaj, so I have no reason to be miserable. But I am. I feel so sad and ill all the time. Really, honest to God, ill. I've been feeling nauseous, and light-headed and dizzy, I get headaches, and I've been trembling. I daily fear that I'll pass out in the middle of school or something! I drink enough, and I more than eat enough. I hardly ever purge anymore either. It's not the cigarettes, I'm sure. And it's not when I've gone long enough without eating or something. It just appears, out of the blue and chokingly bad sometimes.
Does anyone know this feeling? What's causing it? HOW DO I MAKE IT GO AWAY? *frustrated*
*Cigarette break*
Better.
I'm getting my period today, and my stomach is killing me! My cramps got a lot better after I started using the pill. But the last couple of times, they've gotten pretty bad again, and I have no idea why. It's making me moody, and it gives me another excuse for eating more. Bad. I carve all sorts of stuff. Ben&Jerry's despite the cold, Cult, pizza, chocolate, candy... All these delicious things that I've been eating so much of lately. All the things I crave all the time. And when I give myself the excuse that I'm on my period... It ends up badly. I hate it. I hate myself for taking every excuse I can, use it, eat, eat, eat, eat, EAT.
I hate eating. I hate doing it. I hate how much I love it. Why can't I just shut my fat mouth and think, think, THINK?!
*Break again*
I'm so confused girls. Nicolaj thinks he's on the way into a new depression, and I agree. The last one had, I think it's almost two years ago, almost broke us up. I tried to break up with him several times. I stopped loving him. I was a bad girlfriend, admitted, but he made it so hard. It was so bad, and because he was only 16, no one listened to him when he told them he needed help. Not the doctors, his parents, no one. No one believed he was depressed. I was the only one there for him, and I was the one causing most of the trouble. It made it so hard.
If he gets one now, when I have all these problems myself... I don't know if we'll make it through. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through. I'm so afraid I'll break down, that I'll end up doing something really, really bad, like killing myself, or get in some sort of alcohol or drug abuse, or... Just something, something bad.
He never tells me anything. He never talks about his feelings until he just breaks down and cry it all out for hours while talking about how nothing is ever gonna work out for him.
I don't want this to break us. I don't want to lose my feelings for him. I don't want to lose him. He's all I care for. All that matters. I'd give my life for him. So why can't he just be happy? Why does he have to feel so bad? Sometimes, I have a hard time believing in God. This makes me bad Christian, if one at all. But it's true...
I'm sorry that I turned this into one another depression post. It just seems like that's all I can produce these days :/
Happy/Crappy valentine to you all, my loves. I have taken the courtesy to call you all my valentines, and if you don't like, too freaking bad!
I love you valentines.
So much!
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥
Happy V-day to you too! I'm sure that you'll be able to make it through this tough time with him. Even if something terrible does happen and it results in a break up... maybe a little time apart will end up bringing you closer together. Let me know if you end up changing the URL. <3
ReplyDeletedo your best to think of food as fuel. you really have to take a step back when that painful craving comes and think to yourself if what you are about to do will make you feel better. i am sure i've told you this like a billion times, but i purged every day for a few years, and ended up having 8 of my teeth completely rot out.... not that it will necessarily happen to you, but it's just something to keep in mind.
ReplyDelete"roses are red,
ReplyDeleteviolets are blue,
Bella, you make me grin
and dammit, do i love you."
i refuse to step on the scale. and i refuse to kill myself. xD. and that's alright, love. we'll support you through and through! :*3 plus, you're my valentine. or so you've claimed us all. and me. especially me. i'm also sick. i'm concluding it's (lovesickness) but i'm unsure. but all in all, i'm seriously sick from the flu :(. nauseous, light-headed and dizzy? babe. i'm thinking it's the food. here me out. my hypoglycemia wouldn't go away until i had massive amounts of sugar. massive amounts. think 6 bars of Snickers and it's still there.
*breathes out* when i get my period, it's....oh my God. when i binge, i use the period excuse, so now, whenever i binge during my period, my Mother just offers to buy me the pizza. gah. she thinks i'm thin enough to handle all those calories. no human being can though!
i truly hope not, girlie. i hope Nicholaj feels better. i truly do.
awe, babe. we just are so sad to hear such things. it's your blog. swing it anyway you want to.
also, don't say a word: (skip to the end of my post if you don't want to read it :D) http://glassimagination.blogspot.com/2012/02/as-long-as-i-continue-to-consume-peanut.html <--i made an entire dedication to you and what you said to me. because that really made me grin (even though in that post i said it scared the shit out of me) because <333. it did. somehow. xD.
-Sam Lupin
You can live someone so much that if they asked even the most outrageous things you'd probably do them to see them smile. But just being hopelessly in love doesn't stop you feeling down, the despair caused by depression can be so mind consuming that it becomes hard to function and empathy is all but non existent. But if you try as hard to tough it out things can get better. I know, I fucked up three relationships with my depression, but this time I think that I might actually make it with him. I can't say for certain, but even when you feel like breaking up might be a good option, if only to save yourself the pain, try to understand what he feels is just a different form of what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if that will help, but I hope what I'm trying to say comes through.
Happy valentines
Xx
You just need to talk it out as much as you can.
ReplyDeleteHave faith you can make it through this.
It isn't his fault that this depression hits him, and surely you know that. He just needs you to be there for him, regardless of what you are going through, no matter how hard that may seem.
And if breaking up with him is what it takes to keep your sanity...than you may have too.
Other than that, I know you can do this. You are a great girlfriend and we can tell you love him very much. :)
Keep up the faith and I am always here if you need to talk, darling.