I'm not ready. I do not want to get better. I do not want to see a doctor. I do not want to talk about my problems, and I do not want get over it! I can't. I just can't.
My life is such a mess right now girls. I'm sorry I'm so lousy, not commenting or updating for weeks, then come crawling back to you when I feel like complaining. I'm just a mess. Nothing is ever working out for me. I can't starve myself, even though it's just not eating. I can't purge all my food, even though it's just about keeping going. I can't cut deep enough, even though it's just about pressing harder. I can't get good grades, I can't be a good friend, a good girlfriend, I can't do nothing. I can hardly make 'til the next day. Every day I go to sleep, hoping I'll never wake up again. And every morning I get up, not knowing wether or not I'll make it through, wether or not this will be the day it all ends. And I'm starting to hope. To believe. Because it seems like the only way out.
And still, I do not want this to end. I don't want to get better. I want to be this miserable every single day for the rest of my life. Because I don't deserve nothing else.
Every day I wake up, and I put on my mask before I even leave the room. I keep it up all day, and it's so fucking hard. But I manage to hide the pain from them all, somehow. At night, it crumbles. Sometimes when I'm with Nicolaj, but mostly, it's when I'm alone. 'Cause that's when all these things hit. How much of a failure I am (we all know that feeling), how I don't deserve anything I have, how I'm just not worth it. I've been given so much throughout my life, but I throw it all away, and I go ahead and play sick. I am sick. A sick fuck, who doesn't really want to live, but doesn't want to die. Who doesn't want to go through all of this, but still cling to the feelings.
I don't remember if I ever told you about Lena, my... Well, how do I describe her... She's my friend. She's 40, mother of two, and she's the most generous and loving woman I have ever met. She might even be reading these words. She earned my trust, so I told her about it all. Even the blog.
I tell her everything. She's wonderful to talk to. She never ever judges you. She's had a very rough life herself, which just makes her so much more amazing for making it through every day with all this, and still have the energy to help fucked people like me.
She's so super supportive. She really wishes for me to get better. And it breaks my heart so much, seeing all this, and still not being able to accept it. I wish I could do this for her. But I just can't. I feel like the most terrible person in the world. I care about her so much. It's a huge change in my life, having someone older, wiser, tougher to talk to, and not being judged. Everything that I should have in my parents, but never had...
Weight-wise, I'm fucking. 81,8 kg/180,3 this morning, positively gone up by tomorrow. I saw 77 kg/169,8... And I can feel it only body. My belt. I can see it in the mirror. My dad even told me he could see it too. He doesn't get it. Doesn't get how much those innocent words hurts. He just meant to warn me in a nice sort of way. Instead, he made me cry.
I just hate myself. I hate myself so, so much. I feel like cutting up all my skin, making my body as ugly as can be. I don't deserve nothing else. I'm pretty sure God had this figured before I turned 5.
I don't... I don't know how to end this post...
I don't deserve you all. I don't want to make any more promises to you, I don't want you to care for me and support me, when I never supported you, never made you feel better when you needed it.
You have been my everything for so long by now. You keep me fighting, help me through the day. I hate myself for letting you down. You deserve better than this. Than me.
I love you girls. So, so, so, so, so much, it hurts!
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥
hey, baby. i got your comment and went on Blogger and was all like 'why is there no post from Bella? :(' and then went to your page and was all like: oh my God, poor baby posted yesterday but had no response. awe. (or so it tells me you posted it yesterday) <333
ReplyDeleteahahaha. if i have tomato soup babe, and purge it out, i'd feel like i was purging my own blood! at least oatmeal's beige, so if i do purge blood, it would be pretty obvious.
i hope i can. back to the weight i always balloon from (150.7lbs/68,5kg). God help me get lower than this. i want to see the 140's. i want to break in and hit my low weight of 142.5. i will do it!
and even lower. <3
now. for your post. which i haven't read yet. i'm such a spazz.
oh, babe. don't we know how you feel? gah. i always wanted to get better, but not when i'm this fucking fat! i refuse!
babe. believe me, some foods just aren't possible to purge! and depending on how sick you are, you might not be able to purge some foods at all! (i had a clogged throat and nose yesterday and couldn't purge for shit. it was like trying to purge at the beginning all over again.)
please hope. because hope is the most beautiful thing in the world and you deserve all of mine as well, sunshine. <3
i have this thing, that when i get depressed, i find something that will make me happy and i'll snap back again and for the longest time, i thought to myself: fuck this. i don't deserve to snap out of depression. i don't deserve how happy i am when some people are struggling to feel happy all of the time. then i realised that it's a GIFT that i can't stay sad for long, that i feel the glory of the sunshine, and the colour of the clouds. that i'm so happy go luck i might as well shoot rainbows out of my ass. it's such a beautiful feeling to wake up every day and just EMBRACE everything, as if i own the world. i wish i can give you all the same. every single one of you. i'd be drained out of happiness by then, but it won't matter, as long as you're happy, i'd be happy too.
oh babe. that's the thought that's in my head all the time. "you're not thin enough for recovery." all in my head. and then again, i'm so reluctant to let it go. because it would tear me apart.
that bastard. i hate him. i hate him so much.
if you were the most perfect person in the world, then i wouldn't want you as much as i want YOU...this Bella, because you're you. that's what i want. it's what we deserve. we love you. all of you. every pound, every strand of hair, every piece of you.
everything.
and it hurts us seeing you like this. seeing you so broken.
you're my beautiful butterfly, alright? always will be. and keep on fighting, babe. because nothing stays fucked forever. and everything sort of unfucks itself. and the world will look so much brighter when that happens. <333
-Sam Lupin
Beautiful, Bella. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and make all of your pain away. I love you so much. Please stay strong.
ReplyDeleteBella, thank you so much for your comment and for following! This means so much to me!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I know how you feel...but it isn't "just not eating".
Starving seems easy and it sometimes IS but most of the time we're suffering (but of course we tell everyone,that we don't).
And it's the same with the other things... it's not that easy.
I feel for you as I feel bad right now,too. It's so hard to get up every morning! But we can do it.
We just gotta believe and feel that there are people that support us!!
Our dads seem very common as my dad said such words to me,too. But he DOES know that I have an ED. I don't know if he doesn't get what he's saying or that he doesn't care ( but I guess the first one).
It's always sad to see that parent's aren't what they should be...
Although I don't know you and just read your blog for a few days I wanna tell you that I support you and feel with you.
Stay strong and I just wanna offer you the oppotunity to contact me in any case!
-A.