Thursday, March 1, 2012

I don't want to do this any more

I'm not ready. I do not want to get better. I do not want to see a doctor. I do not want to talk about my problems, and I do not want get over it! I can't. I just can't.

My life is such a mess right now girls. I'm sorry I'm so lousy, not commenting or updating for weeks, then come crawling back to you when I feel like complaining. I'm just a mess. Nothing is ever working out for me. I can't starve myself, even though it's just not eating. I can't purge all my food, even though it's just about keeping going. I can't cut deep enough, even though it's just about pressing harder. I can't get good grades, I can't be a good friend, a good girlfriend, I can't do nothing. I can hardly make 'til the next day. Every day I go to sleep, hoping I'll never wake up again. And every morning I get up, not knowing wether or not I'll make it through, wether or not this will be the day it all ends. And I'm starting to hope. To believe. Because it seems like the only way out.
And still, I do not want this to end. I don't want to get better. I want to be this miserable every single day for the rest of my life. Because I don't deserve nothing else.

Every day I wake up, and I put on my mask before I even leave the room. I keep it up all day, and it's so fucking hard. But I manage to hide the pain from them all, somehow. At night, it crumbles. Sometimes when I'm with Nicolaj, but mostly, it's when I'm alone. 'Cause that's when all these things hit. How much of a failure I am (we all know that feeling), how I don't deserve anything I have, how I'm just not worth it. I've been given so much throughout my life, but I throw it all away, and I go ahead and play sick. I am sick. A sick fuck, who doesn't really want to live, but doesn't want to die. Who doesn't want to go through all of this, but still cling to the feelings.