Hello darlings, sorry for the long wait. I just... I think I have a writer's block, you know? It's hard for me, getting my thoughts out there. Here. I never felt that way before, ever! What is this eating disorder doing to me?
Monday 19th until Saturday 24th, me and my class will be in Spain. It's a trip every 2.g (the term for my year at the Gymnasium) goes to. Since we're a Spanish class, we're going to Granada, to see the Alhambra, the Cathedral, and a lot of other exciting things.
This means no posts next week :/
I don't know what I'll do about food, though.
I keep trying, I keep trying to hold back, to restrict. But I can't. I fail every time. And then I end up binging and purging. Or worse, just binging. Sometimes, there's just no way for me to purge. Because the people around me, my friend, they know, and they'll get hurt if I do it while with them. I don't want to lose the few friends I have. So I don't.
I know that strawberries are very cheap in Spain. They cost, like, a fourth of what they cost in Denmark. So I'm looking very much forward to eat a ton of strawberries every day! I hope that'll be enough for me...
I guess my plan is to just NOT buy all my food at restaurants, but go grocery-shopping, and make sure it's all fairly healthy. I don't think there's anything I can do to come around gaining while in Spain. I just don't have the self-control. I lost it all. I have no idea why.
I barely live disordered anymore. I eat like a normal person, and I hardly purge. I remember purging 8 times at some days, and I know that's horrible. But it's better than this.
I have gained so much. I'm so ashamed. I don't even want to tell you girls. Not yet. I can't.
I need to get back into restricting. I can't fast, not yet. It's been so long. I long for it. I long for the empty feeling. But I can't do it. I'm too weak.
No more girls. No more. No more binging. No more purging. No more gaining. No more failing.
Only loosing. Restricting. Starving. Winning.
I will not eat today. I will not. No matter what anyone tells me, I will not eat today.
I might regret it. I might look for excuses. I might give up.
But there's no "might"s in my life anymore. I refuse to be a loser one more day of my life. I can't.
I want to cut. I want it so bad.
I want the pain, the blood, the tears, the silence.
I want this numbness to end.
My arm still hurts from yesterday. Yet, I just long for more pain. I want to feel the razor slicing up my skins, leaving behind the proof that I will never be whole again.
I have started to bring a razor everywhere. Because I always get the urge to cut while in school, but never have the means. I'm gonna bring one to Spain.
You knew I was fucked. But do you really know how bad it is?
I'm never gonna be the same again.
I'll never get myself back.
I'm so depressed today.
Yet another day.
But I'm hopeful.
Because I know that I will be thin.
And when I do,
I will be happy.
I love you. Really.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥