No weekly-weigh in last Wednesday. i was too fucking scared to see that number.
I've been eating like shit
the past couple of weeks lately. And my weight is not happy. I can see it. I can feel it on my clothes. My belt is not happy about being buckled in the third hole, instead of the second. I just can't face reality any more. I have started ruining my body in every possible way I can. Anything to get away from this hell.
I've started smoking girls. I know how unhealthy it is, both of my parents smoke, and have since before they were even together. And I like it. I mean, it tastes like hell, but I like the high I get from the nicotine. I know that won't last forever. But for now, it's wonderful.
Nicolaj doesn't know. I told him when I started, and he freaked. So I decided to tell him I'd quit it immediately. That's part of the reason I haven't been writing in here. I'm so scared he'll see it. I don't want to go through hell again. i think I'll just tell him to stay away from the blog from now on. He'd respect that, I think. And if he doesn't, I'll change the URL to something he doesn't know, and I'll just post it as a comment on all of you lovelies' blogs so you can find it. I'd make it one of those you can't see in the menu, but can only find if you know the URL. Yeah, that's my plan, I think.
I'm sorry I haven't been a good blogger or follower lately. I've been stressing myself out by eating and eating and eating. The smoking lessens my appetite, but I have stopped eating because I'm hungry. Now, I just eat whenever I can.
Fat fat fat fat fat. I've got to change that. I'm tired of eating, and gaining, and purging, and cutting, and crying. I'm sick of it, actually.
A wonderful example is today. I was out shopping with my parents, and I told them I was hungry. Now, we were only in supermarkets and stuff, and of course, they didn't want to buy my junk food.So instead, they bought me this 8-pack of müesli-bars and a packet of strawberries. I was supposed to eat only two bars, and then all the strawberries. But I just kept on eating, and even though I was full after the third, very full after the fourth, I continued. I actually managed to stop myself, but by that time, I'd already eating sex. They're 108 calories each. Plus the 250g of strawberries. That's 102,5 for the strawberries and 648 just for the fraking müesli-bars!
Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! 750,5 calories for today already. I was only able to purge the strawberries and maybe 1/4 of the bars. They just wouldn't come up.
And I'm having dinner tonight. My parents have planned this big thing, so there's no way of avoiding it. I hate my life...
Well, about that psychologist: I went to her, I talked to her for 45 minutes, and then we made another appointment 4 WEEKS FROM THE FIRST. Like, wtf? Do you really think that I can go for 4 weeks without all this getting worser than it already is?
She told me that my cutting and my eating disorder probably had something to do with my family relationship (no shit Sherlock), that I should try and change my view of both of my parents - be nicer om my father, harsher on my mother - and that I should seek some help from the psychological department at the nearest hospital. And that's it.
I mean, I could see her point. But really, I already knew everything she told me. Everything, from the envy I give my little sister, to the part where she told me simple psychologist probably isn't enough. She was so oblivious to the depression that
So, when I came home, I told my mom, as I'd been asked to. She told me they already knew. Asked me if I thought it was inaudibly when I went out to purge... I was so choked. They knew all along, and they never even talked to me about it, let alone tried to help me?! I cried so bad that night. She came in after I went to bed, crawled under the sheets with me and just held me. Told me how hard it is for her, how much it hurts her that I hurt this much. That she didn't know how to react, that chock was the first reaction to take over. That she didn't mean all that shit.
She then set me up. Wednesday, I'm supposed to go to my doctor and tell him/her about all this. Then we'll see what they say. I just know they'll try and send me to that psychological department, I just know. And until then, I can keep cutting, binging, purging,
I'm not starving yet. I want to starve. I want the pain. Please...
So, dear lovelies, now I have in a very short time summoned up what has happened in my life for the past 1½ week. That just sucks.
I promise, I'll be writing more. Now, I don't have the excuse that Nicolaj'll see it. If you do baby, know that I love you, but I need, need, NEED to be able to make my own choices and decisions, to live like I want to live. Not like anyone else wants me to.
I love you girls. You light up my world, you really do.
I'm sorry for being such a pessimist all the time.
Never doubt me. I'll never stop loving you.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful.