Friday, October 14, 2011

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone. But I hold on to our secrets {3

Thank you girls. It means so much to me that you're always there for me. That we're all always there for each other. This only community is just amazing! I mean, we all have each other, and no one is ever really alone. We all listen to each other, help each other, laugh at each other, comfort each other. We're never alone here girls.
You all means the world to me <3

Nicolaj got home yesterday girls!
Of course, that means that we had dinner together, along with his family. But it's okay, it was just some soup with potatoes, carrots and parsnip. And then some potato-boats for me besides (they had meat as well, but since I say I'm a vegetarian, they never think twice about me eating half meals).
Then two of his mothers home-made wheat buns. A small piece of cake. And a pear.

I haven't been eating good girls. I never got the chance to tell you yesterday, but I binged Wednesday (just as predicted; maybe I am psycic? ö). Yesterday I didn't have anything but what I ate at Nicolaj's. But that's a lot, so I count it as a binge. That's two in two days. That's bad girls.
Today, I have to go to work. And in the evening, just before we close, I'm all alone with the danish pastry, supposed to throw it all out. But we're allowed to eat it. And it just seems like such a waste, throwing all those nasty sticky delicious things out, when I know people somewhere are starving to death, unintendedly. Gah!

And now, as I promised Beth (and a couple of others :) )
25 random things about me that you'd never know if you hadn't read it here.

  1. I'm pretty emo-ish/alternative-ish in my style. I hate being called emo, though. But really, my heart beats for country music. It always surprises people, because I just don't look like the country kind of girl.
  2. I'm absolutely obssesed with The Sookie Stackhouse Novels by Charlain Harris. I buy all of them overseas when they come out, because I just can't stand waiting for the translation. I know everything about the stories. I've read those books more times than I can count. I'm always reading one of them. When the series end, it's so long since I read the first, I start over.
  3. I believe Alexander Skarsgård is the hottest thing that ever walked on this earth. Dead or alive. Sorry Nicolaj.
  4. I'm a wannarexic. I don't have anorexia, though I am eating disordered. I'm trying hard as fuck to eat as little as possible, and working out as much a possible. But really, I'm not Ana materiel. I'm still hoping I'll be some day, though. I want anorexia so bad, because what I have now is even worse. I'm sure it is.
  5. I dream of being a natural beauty. Right now, I always dye my hair in crazy colours and wear lots of make-up. But once I'm thin, beautiful, I want my own hair-colour back, I want to wear simple and delicate clothes, and be able to still stand out in them 'cause of my beauty.
  6. I could be one of those girls with straight A's, if I wasn't so lazy. I have a natural talent for learning and understanding, and a high IQ. But School just doesn't mean a thing to me. I'm only doing it because I want a good job sometime later.
  7. When I was a kid, I always wished to be a boy. They can pee standing! I was a tomgirl on the outside. I would always pretend to hate everything girly, but truly, I loved playing with my dolls.
  8. I'm afraid of needels. Like, terrified. Really. Everytime I have to go get at shot, I take my mom with me in the doctors room, so she can hold my hand. I always lay down and get them as well, 'cause I'm afraid I'll get dizzy and faint if I don't.
  9. I'm also afraid of the dark. There's something evil hidden within the darkness, in the air all around us. I'm sure, 'cause else I wouldn't be so afraid. I always run through our house if I have to get up and pee at night, turning on every switch on the way.
  10. I'm really paranoid. It's actually pretty extreme. If I'm walking somewhere, and there's only one other person, even in the daylight, I'm sure he's out to get me. Maybe he wants to rob me, maybe he wants to rape me, I don't know. But I'm sure he wants something evil for me. I have trust issues.
  11. I eat my feelings. I eat when I'm happy, because for a moment, I feel happy. I eat when I'm real sad, because I just can't manage having to think about not eating an dbeing all hungry. My only succesfull fasts are made when I'm neaither happy nor sad.
  12. I would like to be Better. I'd like to be less lazy, so I could make an effort in school and show my teachers my true talent. I'd like to be able to just sit down and do my homework. But I have a weak will.
  13. I am really bad at making new friends. Once you get to know me, I'll talk your ear off. But unless you take the first step, I'll never be more than the quiet emo-girl in the corner.
  14. I think in english. Most of my thoughts are done in english, though my mother tongue is danish.
  15. I have a lousy humor. Seriously girls, it's really bad. I mean, of course I find normal humor funny. I just also find bad humor funny.
  16. I love to sing, and mostly I believe it sounds good. But apparently, it's only when I hear it from inside my head that it's good. If I record it and then play it, I believe it's horrible. I still sing, though. Just not public.
  17. I have never smoked. Like, not even inhaled it once. I've never gotten high. i've never taken any drugs of any kind. I'd love to try it some time, but at the same time, I'm scared. Not because it's unhealthy, but because I love being able to say I haven't done it.
  18. I love drinking though. My boyfriend doesn't approve of me drinking, but it's getting better each day. I love that dizzy feeling you get, and how everything just seems funny all of the sudden. I'm a good drunk. I don't get angry, or sad, or reveal all my deepest secrets. I yell a bit instead of talking, I've been told. But I swear, it's unitendedly.
  19. My voice sucks. It's not deep nor high, but an annoying undescribable in-the-middle. It's an annoying sound though, and it's naturally loud. I always cut right through at gatherings.
  20. I suck at sports. Whitch is a bad thing, 'cause I suck at losing too. I can get real mad, even sad, if I lose something, and the more the winner makes out of it, the more sad I get. I always try to deny it, telling everyone what went wrong and that it wasn't my fault, even when it was and I know it.
  21. I have a natural talent for being a good psycologist. I'm thinking about turning it into a carrier. Seriously girls, I'm not just imagining this. I can go so much deeper than anyone I know, find the reason behind everything, most times get whoever I want to tell me very secret things they never ment to tell. I always thought everyone could do this, until 2 or 3 years ago.
  22. The only hobby I've ever been able to keep interest in, is the scouts. That's kind of embarasing, but then again, I've never been even close to being popular. People think I'm a weirdo anyway, might as well give them a reason. I love my scouts! I love all the friends and good memories it's given me, and I love actually being good at something. I think I'm good at it, at least. Not the best. But better than a lot of the others in my troup.
  23. I tell people I'm a vegetarian, but I still eat meat almost every day. It's mostly chicken, and since some "vegetarians" eat that as well, it does make me feel a bit less guilty. But really, there's no excuse. It's an animal, sweet an innocent, and I'm a crual murderer for eating them, even if it tastes real good and has real low calories. For meat, you know.
  24. I'm hopelessly romantic. The only movies I truly love is romantic comedies, and all my best fantasies about me and Nicolaj includes something incredibly romantic. It's really like, to the point where normal people feel like vommiting. The Disney kind of romance!
  25. I work at a grocerystore for a minimum wage. But it's okay, 'cause I mostly it's a not too stressing job, you meet a lot of friendly people, and in some way, you catch an insight of their lifes through the groceseries they buy. I know all the alcoholics now, I knew those who are fat and not trying to change it, and I even believe we have an eating disordered or two. And it's good money, that's for sure.

Wow girls. I hope you enjoy it, 'cause it took me forever to write! Like, over an hour. I even ate a bit while writing it, I lost that much focus! Damn.

Well girl, I'm absolutely drained now, so I'm just gonna go do some more school-work. I hope. That, or Tetris battle! LOL.

So girls, until next time,
stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
I love you all so much!
- Bella


  1. as you mean the world to use, lovely. :)
    i want cake! :(
    that is not a lot! and definitely not enough to count it as a binge. for me, a binge happens over the course of days and is hard to break D:
    gahhh. i hate pasties! they're so sinfully delicious!
    you honestly don't look like you fit any stereotype, love. <3
    oh! one of my friends gave her Sookie Stackhouse books to me and i'm like "WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME?" ...totally not my kind of thing to be honest.
    :/ we've never seen you as a wannarexic, love! to us, you're very EDNOS.
    and this is why i'm pestering you to go! i stayed up last night doing a 4,000 word essay and today i'm supposed to be studying Bio [got distracted by Blogger only for a moment. i promise i'll also go back to studying! :)
    i love playing with my dolls as well. i still have my teddy and i love the colour purple, but i also love gore and sex and incest-related topics and murder-related poetic art devices!
    i also eat out my feelings! badly. it's like when i feel on the top of the world, i want taste and when i'm depressed, then fuck it all! let's eat.
    in my culture, we mix English with Arabic. so it's pretty cool and funny! xP
    ahahaha! we're opposites. i've never drunk, but i have inhaled. cigarettes, don't worry! no drugs on this chick!
    i want to be a Doctor. get into psychiatry. oh, the irony.
    i hated the scouts! gahh. xD
    *sigh* i have never touched meat since i converted. i'm just...i can't. plus, i can't stand the smell/taste of any type of meat anymore. i get physically sick when i look at it sometimes.
    ahahaha. i just finished eating!
    i love you too!
    and look, first to comment! xD
    -Sam Lupin

  2. I share most of your 25 facts. Terrible fear of needles and such. I also lovelovelovelovelove the Sookie stackhouse novels. My friend watches the show, True Blood.

    Loved the facts hun!

  3. You are my alternate world!! I love you so very severly MUCH!!

    Loved your 25 things, babe. LOVE YOU!

  4. Alexander Skarsgård is the hottest guy. I'm missing True Blood already.