I can do this. I can I can I can

I just told my boyfriend. About my biggest wish, my biggest hope.I told him that I can do this! That I want, in 10 years, to be able to get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and see a woman who is happy. She is happy because she has the most beautiful little girl in the world, and the cutest little boy. She's got a husband who loves her more than anything in the world. She's maybe not bone thin, but she is happy, nonetheless. Happy, because she is able to look in the mirror and not feel disgusted. She is happy because she knows that she is the luckiest woman in the world. She is happy, just because she is happy.
This can be me.
I can do this!


I know I haven't been on for a while. A week, exactly.
I'm watching Supersize vs. Superskinny Kids, and they've got those stories on anorexics and anorexia recovers. I am not saying I wish to be anorexic. But I admire their self control so much. I've always believe that eating disordered are some of the strongest people in the world, just being able to get through life with all the shit going on for them, and still maintaining a - almost - normal life.
I just wish it was as easy as they make it look.
It's not easy.
it's not easy at all...


For the past 2 nights, I've gotten a total of 6½ hours of sleep. So I am very tired.
But I'm finding, I don't want to sleep. Think about all the hours I'm loosing in doing so.
Think about all the calories I could burn.
Think about all the blogs and websites I could find online.
Think about how many episodes of True Blood, Supersize vs. Superskinny, Friends, Bones and so on, that I could watch. All the great movies. Homework. I could spend all those hours so much better than sleeping. I know it's a stupid thought, I know that I need sleep to keep going, but I just find sleep so... Boring.
Don't misunderstand me. I love sleeping. There's nothing better than a wonderful night of sleep. But... If I could just do that once or twice a week, I'd be happy.

I'm wondering. About the days the come, weeks, months.

I'm going to loose weight. I have no idea how.

I know it's a bad idea, not making a plan. 

But if I make a plan, I find it so much harder to stick to it.

Improvisation is bad.

Rules are bad.

Plans are bad.

When you've got those problems, what do you do?

Answer: Nothing. I drink my energy drinks and my fruit juice.

I eat some salad.

I've made one rule. At least one of my meals every day has to be a salad. Lettuce, cucumber, cheese, egg, chicken. Those are the things I'll use. Not all at once. I'll have two different. One with lettuce, cucumber and chicken, and one with lettuce, cucumber, cheese and egg. At least one meal a day. And if it could be lunch, that would be the best.

That's when I cheat the most. In school, in the recess, I go to the supermarket across the street. Crisps, diet sodas, candy, cake, cookies, cereal. I buy so much of it, and I do it almost every day. That's why I'm always so broke.

But I want to be able to go over there and buy my diet soda, and nothing else.

To come in there like a normal person, not feeling like I might eat every single thing in the store. Not wondering how many calories in it all. Not that I mind, mostly. Then I buy something fatty and sweet, and halfway into it, I start feeling bad. And I throw the rest away, sometimes, or save it for later.

I can't live my life like this. This is not normal. This is no way to live.

Darlings, can you give me any advice on how to make it easier, to just eat 2 or 3 times a day, no meals in between. And without feeling so hungry I start binging.

Right now, I just stay away from the store. But I do miss my diet sodas. They really help me get through the day. But I'm scared that if I go over there, I'll do something stupid.

Today, I bough a whole box of cereal. Haven't even eaten half of it. Can't get myself to throw it out, 'cause it was really expensive. But it's so unhealthy, crunchy müsli with chocolate. I don't know what to do.

Last week, I bought muffins, crisps (several packs) and mini cookies. All in one week. I'm so disgusted.

Don't get me started on my weight.

I've put out a goal for myself. Loose 5 kg/11 lbs. And I want to have done it by the 3rd of September. And it's not a choice, not an option. It's just something I have to do. Something I will do.

These are all girls from my class. People I spend hours watching every fucking day!

 

 

This is me, and the girls I hang with. Do you see what I mean?

 

Now, I would show you our group foto, as a class.

But I don't remember my log-in to the site. So I'll do it tomorrow.

 

Everytime I write a post like this, I always end up failing miserably the next day. And then not writing for a while. This time, I will not.

When I write you tomorrow night, it'll be with good news. I swear. I swear to God, and I never take the Lords name in vain. I will do it.

 

I will leave you now girls.

I find that I have no wise words for you.

No inspiration.

I've got nothing for you.

Believe it or not girls, but I have missed you so much for the past week.

I've checked Blogger twice a day, at least, to check on all of your blogs and so on.

I'm sorry I'm so bad at inspirering, sorry I'm so bad at writing.

I am trying to change. I really am.

I love you girls!

Stay fucking strong, you hear me?

- Bella ♥