Monday, August 22, 2011

I can do this. I can I can I can

I just told my boyfriend. About my biggest wish, my biggest hope.I told him that I can do this! That I want, in 10 years, to be able to get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and see a woman who is happy. She is happy because she has the most beautiful little girl in the world, and the cutest little boy. She's got a husband who loves her more than anything in the world. She's maybe not bone thin, but she is happy, nonetheless. Happy, because she is able to look in the mirror and not feel disgusted. She is happy because she knows that she is the luckiest woman in the world. She is happy, just because she is happy.
This can be me.
I can do this!

I know I haven't been on for a while. A week, exactly.
I'm watching Supersize vs. Superskinny Kids, and they've got those stories on anorexics and anorexia recovers. I am not saying I wish to be anorexic. But I admire their self control so much. I've always believe that eating disordered are some of the strongest people in the world, just being able to get through life with all the shit going on for them, and still maintaining a - almost - normal life.
I just wish it was as easy as they make it look.
It's not easy.
it's not easy at all...

For the past 2 nights, I've gotten a total of 6½ hours of sleep. So I am very tired.
But I'm finding, I don't want to sleep. Think about all the hours I'm loosing in doing so.
Think about all the calories I could burn.
Think about all the blogs and websites I could find online.
Think about how many episodes of True Blood, Supersize vs. Superskinny, Friends, Bones and so on, that I could watch. All the great movies. Homework. I could spend all those hours so much better than sleeping. I know it's a stupid thought, I know that I need sleep to keep going, but I just find sleep so... Boring.
Don't misunderstand me. I love sleeping. There's nothing better than a wonderful night of sleep. But... If I could just do that once or twice a week, I'd be happy.