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Thursday, September 15, 2011

Look at me, I'm so stupid I decide to fast

Even though I know how wrong it can go.

*WARNING. LONG AND JEALOUSY-ANGER-FILLED-POST*

Before I can explain why I'm fasting, you guys need to hear about something that happend last year through September and the very start of October.
Nicolaj (my boyfriend) had for a loooong time been very clear about how little he liked me hanging out with other guys. I accepted that, as he told me that he wouldn't forbit me to see them, but just wanted me to know that it made him real asd and umcomftable.
So, in September last year started to get real addicted to this online chat for The Dreams fans. He would spend hours there durring the day, and though I knew he used it, I never realized how much. Then a girl from the chat asked for his number, and they started texting. I didn't find out until after a few days, and that pissed me of a bit, that he kept it secret. But no big deal. After a week or so, they actually started to write more those two than me and him. and we write a lot! This made me so mad I went totally crazy on him. I am a very jealous type, but I excuse myself because he's too, and I've given up guy friends for him!
Throughout whole September, they kept writing, we kept fighting, and I kept getting worse and worse. More than once, we we're THIS CLOSE >< to breaking up. At that time, we'd been together for 2 years and 3 months. I even caught him writing hearts to her (by accident, he says. Right...)
I kept telling him that she was tearing us apart, that I couldn't stand her, that I hated her and what she did to us! I told him the truth, never prettended to be okay with this. And he kept writing with her. Dear girls, can you even imagine how frustrating and fucking humiliating that is? When your boy ignores your deepest request, no matter how many times you ask him?
He just told me that it made him so happy, that for once he had a real friend, one he could just write with about everything, one that made him laugh. He said she made him happy...
In the very beginnig of October, I decided to go on to the chat anonymously. I told myself I'd just try and see what she was like, I trully wanted to just give her a chance.
We chatted the entire evening, and I really don't remember too much. Of course, I had to test her. And guess what? Surprise, surprise, she admitted to be totally in love with Nicolaj. Or, what she said was that she had a huuuuge crush on a guy from the chat, who's name started with N. But sadly, he'd been together with his girlfriend (who she called a fat ugly whore, who should just go to hell) for more than 2 years, so it'd be soooo hard to break them up. Big chance it wasn't us, right?
I called Nicolaj, made him come home to me emidiatly. I showed him everything whe'd written. I wrote her and told her never to contact any of us again, that she wouldn't get an answer anyway, and to have a good life. Nicolaj deleted her number, blocked her on Facebook and MSN, and when she texted me to try me, he never answered.
They talked again March this year, for a very short while. It was on the same chat, but I was pressent and Nicolaj knew. She didn't. I told Nicolaj that I'd felt just as terrible that evening, and he promised never to contact her again. And he hasn't, as far as I know.

 Then in August or something, I'm watching a music video that the latest danish x-factor winner has put up, AND WHO'S FUCKING UGLY FACE SHOWS UP?!?
Turns out she won a contest, and got to meet this artist, who I just happend to love. I don't anymore...
Today, I was sitting here, watching a video from the same artist, some backstage clips and so, and a whole video with the stinking winners of the contest shows up... She's just incredibly ugly, you guys wouldn't believe it! But, I realized as I watched the video, her voice is more natural than mine (mine can become really high-pitched, and it sounds kinds childish) and she's thinner. She's not skinny, not at all. it's just that I'm real fat, so it doesn't atke a lot to be thinner.

I need to loose weight. I need to be thinner than her, thinner than any girl.
Once, only a feew weeks after we got together, he told a girl from his class that she was really hot. He was drunk, but it still hurts to remember, 3 years later! Because she was (is) incredibly hot. He told me himself that his friend had had to drag him away from her when he said it...
And I know that he has never thought of me that way. i know that he can't truthfully use that word about me. 'Cause maybe my face is okay, but no one can think of a fat girl as hot. No one...


The girl on the right. She's the one he was so happy about. Maiken...

And this one... This is a picture from the exact same evening. She's the one he thoight was so hot...

After thinking about all this stuff all day, I was so depressed.
My day started by being waked up waaay to early - I'm off school today and tomorrow.
So I ate a whole bag of cheetos, and a whole BIG bag of M&M's peanuts...
Right now, most of all, I want to kill myself.
I'll never be beautiful. I'll never be hot. I'll never be pretty, and sweet, and good enough for Nicolaj. Because I'm just huge fat pig who can't even get herself together and lose just a little bit weight. A fat pig who's just given up...

I decided that I never want to eat again.
Okay, I know that's not going to happen.
But I decided that I will go as long as posible without eating.
Liquids only.
A couple of days, at least...
I will be counting every fucking hour.
I'm writting it on my wrist.
One line for every hour that goes by.
I'm only at six right now.
I hate myself.
I'm so horibly fat.
Disgusting.
I'll never be beautiful.

---

Sorry for this very depressing post girl.
I didn't mean to bring anyone down.
I just needed to get it all out, so I wouldn't break down in front of my parrents.
And, I'm selfish enough that I hope for support and comfort in you.
I'm a pig.


I'll write again tomorrow, update you on the fast.
Hopefully, I'll be in a better mood.
I love you all so much.
You're so much more than I deserve.
I don't know what I've done to be so lucky.
Thank you girls.
Thnaks for everything.

Stay strong girls!
You're all so beautiful...
- Bella

5 comments:

  1. This is healthy. This is how we all feel. You NEED to know that you are not alone. Ever.

    Feel free to text me (6145845190) if you ever want/need to vent.

    Stay Strong, love.

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  2. good on your for getting it our of your system. i'm starting a fast on monday. dammit. i had something else to say but it's gone. anyway, i hope you're feeling refreshed after writing all that out. stay strong, doll.
    xoxo
    zette

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  3. <3 I love your stories. Life can suck ass sometimes. Your story made me cry. SO the blonde short haired girl was the one he was talking to and sais shit about you? Damn people have balls sometimes..

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  4. Fuck her! I still think those competitions are for people that aren't talented enough to be discovered the real world. At the end of the day though, you won over that stupid girl. And N loves you. Thanks for the post. I'm starting a liquid fast today too. :)

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  5. I think we all had been there. My ex. also N. same name different coutnry. Cheated on me with this russian whore of a model. In a ltter explaining it all he said that he wanted to sleep with someone who was hot. Yeah..that gave me a kick to loose 16 pounds. I look at it now and I know that I lost weigh because of all of it. What doesent kill us makes us stronger.

    ReplyDelete