Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Weekly weigh-in + This is clearly not working out...

CW: 86,6 kg/190,9 lbs (BMI 31,0)
Loss: +0,2 kg/0,4 lbs
GW1: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

Yeah, so I pretty much dumped the ABC. And my fast monday and yestday went down the drain when I Monday chose to eat 2 pieces of rye-bread and 1 piece of whole-wheat toast with some creme cheese, some normal cheese, and some chocolate on it. Then half a tenderloin marrinated in BBQ. Tuesday, it was nachos and a donner-kebab (beside my lunch - 2 pieces of rye-bread - but that was hours earlier). Purged both days. Fuck me
Went to the gym Monday, scouts yesterday. Gym today, before going to work. I'm planning on buying a salad for lunch, consisting of chicken, salad, a tiny bit of pasta, and some curry dressing. And that'll be it for today.
I've given myself a mission. One week without binging (and therefore, no purging either). I can have one meal a day - a healthy meal, of course, like salad - and I can choose for myself what meal that will be. That way, I will make sure that I stay beneath 800 every day, since there's no way I can eat that much in one meal.

I am really really pissed that I have gained since last weigh-in. This is the last time I have ever done that. From now on i will only lose. In one year, I will be only a shadow of what I am now. I will be, alright not skinny, but thinner. Normal. Better.
I have a plan. From now on, whenever I binge, no matter where I am, always always purging until I'm sure I can't get any more up. Where I am doesn't matter. And no eating. I don't really care if my family finds out any more. I just want to stop eating so fucking much, I want to stop making excuses. It's time I recognize my eating disorder. I'm so sick of being EDNOS, not knowing what I'll do tomorrow, today, in one hour even! I want to stop eating, so I can be a true Ana girl, along with so many of you other beautiful girls. I have made my choice. It is too late for me to get out now, so I might as well put a term on what I am and what I'm not.
I am not addicted to my food. I am not weak. I am not a failure. I am an eating disordered, weight-obsessed, non-carring bitch. From now on, girls. Never again will I tell you about my failures. 'Cause there will be non.
I embrace the hunger, the pain, the emptiness. Death. If I can't be beautiful, I don't want to live.

Now, onto something completely else.
How many of you girls smoke?
Is it true that smoking surpresses your appetite? Take away some of the hunger?
I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm currious what it is like, but at the same time, I'm terrified to ruin my being able to say" I've never smoked" forever. It's like sex. Once you've done it, you can never go back.

Girls, did I ever tell you about my summer 2009?
I had been together with Nicolaj for a year, and I loved him very much. At that point, I was sure he was the one I was going to be with forever. We had both lost our viginity to each other half a year before the summer. At that point, I was about 85 kg/187,4 lbs. I'd gained almost 10 kg/22 lbs since we'd become a couple, so I was pretty depressed at that point, and already then, I was trying to avoid eating as much as posible. I never got compliments, I was never told anything by Nicolaj to cheer me up and give me a bit more confidence.
Well, me and my family were on holiday in Tyrkey for 2 weeks, just like I was i Bulgaria this year. Nicolaj wasn't with us or course, since we'd only been together for 1 year.
We lived in bungalows, in a family area. There was a small pool, and a bar with only one bartender. There was a bigger pool and bar by the real hotel, but we stayed in family area. There were at least 5 or 6 kids my age, and I was talking to all of them, plus their siblings, who all loved me. Seriously, it was the best vacation I've ever been on. I enjoyed every minut of being there.
On the third day or so, the bartender at the bar, Ata, came over and splashed water at me while I was tanning. Of course, that led to a huge water-fight between all the kids by the pool at the time, and we were all having great fun. Every day, he would play with all us children, the teens as well as the kids. Everyone loved him, including me. Why wouldn't I, he was fun?
After being there a week, we started talking. I'd sit in the bar to get out of the sun, just listening to the radio, and he'd some over and talk to me. He asked me about me, about home, about Nicolaj, my siblings, my parrents. We'd talk about music and movies, cultures and languages. After a couple of more days, he started to tell me, in a kidding kind of way, that I should just forget about Nicolaj, 'cause he was at home and didn't know what I was doing there. He kept telling me that I wasa beautiful, that he wanted me to kiss him.
One evening, we were alone in the bar, sitting and just talking as always, and suddenly, he leaned over and just kissed me, wihtout a warning. I didn't kiss him back, but I didn't push him away either. After that, he apologized, got on his motor-cycle and left. I was left alone, stunned and confused.
The next day, I wasn't at the hotel at all, but on a jeep-trip. When we got back, it was back to water fight and pretending that nothing happend. But that night, I was at the bar with my dad and some of the other teens, and my dad bought me 3 beers, all 0,5l. So I got a bit drunk, and when Ata started to hit on me again, I just accepted it and flirted back.
The rest of the time went like that, we kissed a lot, touched a bit. He kept telling me how beauiful I was, how much he wanted me. Then the last night, he seemed distant, like he didn't want to talk to me. I asked him what was wrong, and he said that I didn't want him. I was only 15, and didn't quite get what he was saying. I yold him that I did want him, because I was thinking about how bad I wanted on last kiss. But he misunderstood.
He took me to the back of the bar, in a room that can lock. He pulled down my pants imideatly, turned me around, and... The rest, you can guess. I didn't struggle. I was so scared. He was 23, way stronger than me, and I got the feeling that if I said no, he would just rape me. So I didn't say anything. I was so, so painful, and I cried durring the sex, soundless.
We said goodbye the same evening, and I never saw him again.

I told Nicolaj as soon as we got home. And he didn't dump me. He hated me and cursed me far away. But he stayed with me that night, and the next day, I told me the whole story. He realized, slowly, that I really hadn't wanted to do it. He accepted it. I can't believe how lucky I was, every other guy in the world would have dumped me imideatly! But he stayed with me, and in the end, our relationship just got so much stronger. We have been through so much, we can pretty much overcome every obsticle by now. But I will never ever forget myself for what I did to him. I will never forget, and I will never think about it in a good way.
People say that cheaters aren't sorry they did it, or they wouldn't have. But I truly regret it, with every particle in my huge body. There is nothing I'm more sorry about than that time.

Wow, that was so unplanned...
So, now you know another of my deepest secrets.
You know what a cheating kind of pig I am.
I understand if you're disgusted with me.
I am.

I love you all.
And I won't blame any of you if you leave me now.
But know that you all mean so much to me, in a way I never thought posible.
So much love...
Stay strong, think thin and be beautiful.
- Bella


  1. You made a mistake...that was all, and it happens to everyone, mistakes and it doesn't matter how big or how little. They were mistakes, and they will be forgiven. I wouldn't call you a cheating pig, Bella. You are wonderful and you made a mistake.

    He however, the bartender or whatever, deserves to die a painful death... :/

  2. I've made so many mistakes that I think I've repressed most of them. Don't you dare hate yourself for that.
    Now, I love that line about not having to confess anymore failures. We'll do that together. We'll get there eventually, honey. All we have to remember is that it won't happen overnight. Although I wish SO much that it could at least happen a bit faster.
    Stay strong, you beautiful beautiful girl. <3

  3. And I agree with Sasha. That bartender is a fucking bastard. Your story makes me so angry at him. Guys like that deserve to get ass-raped with something hard and sandpapery.

  4. You aren't a cheater; he took advantage of you and that's completely different. Please don't see it as cheating because it isn't. <3

    As for smoking... I wouldn't call myself a smoker but more a social smoker- I never found it did anything for my appetite. If anything it always made me hungrier.

  5. its really okay love. im sure it felt good to tell someone. i know i love telling my secrets to blogger. makes me feel better. you can tell us anything, and we will accept and support you, i promise.

    when Dom and I were together, towards the end. tyler was so flirty all the time to me and im a flirter, harmless just because it makes me feel good to think someone could like me like that and say nice things to me. selfish i suppose. whatever. but one night tyler came to my house, and we played wii and hung out (hes five years older than me), and he kept trying to kiss me. and i would pull away and remind him how much i loved Dom. and by the end of the night, he got me. we made out. like, passionate hard core. i cheated on Dom. i know its not quite the same as your situation. but god did i feel bad. so bad. i never told Dom though, so i admire you for telling your boy friend.

    tyler does still have a girl friend. and things elasticated over these months that i have been gone. once Dom and i broke up, i pretty much became a homewrecker. i am not proud. but its the truth. tyler has been with his girl for two years and some months... just the other day he invited me over. we drank a lot of beer, and we had the best most loving passionate sex i have ever had, ever. same for him is what he sincerely told me. i dunno. i dont know if i feel bad. or should feel bad. i dunno.

    and now, i am super sorry for leaving this huge ass comment. haha :)

    much love, annie.

  6. You made a mistake Bella. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. Just be sorry for what you did, never do it again and move on in your wonderful relationship.

    About your dieting stuff:
    Don't say that you will never mess up or be imperfect again. That is just setting yourself up for a bigger failure. we are all human and we give into our weaknesses from time to time. But if you say that you will never screw up, then when you do you will beat yourself up and maybe not continue on. Or maybe when you make a mistake and eat something, you will just say "Screw it" and eat even more. Give your humanity a tiny break here and there and just keep pushing forward and staying strong!!!! Celebrate your successes and share your faults and little failures with us, we are here to support you and we all understand.

    Also, if you are looking for a really restricted dieting regime with flexible family time, since you are not doing abc, join me! I plan to loose another 16ish lbs by Christmas and I will do it!! I'm sure I'll mess up here and there(I don't plan on it), but we will help eachother :)

  7. Bella, You are beautiful and I love you. Never let anyone make you feel less than you are. Please stay strong.