Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I'm so sick of being sick...

I have gotten so bulimic lately. And it's working. The weight is droping. I didn't have a weigh-in last Wednesday, but my guess would be that I had gained 1-1,5 kg/2,2-3,3 lbs. Today, it is lower than my weigh-in almost 2 weeks ago, but what does that matter if the method I'm using is killing me so much faster than I'm losing? I know I have always said that method didn't matter, as long as I got there. I always defend myself when people tell my to stop purging. I get angry when some says that all I need to do is stop.
My ED friend did that the other day. I don't know if she's reading this or not, but I don't really want to bitch about her. I guess I'd just expected more support. She should know. What if someone told her, or any of you out there judging me, that you should just eat? Would it be that simple to you? No. And now I have lost the only ED friend I had in real life,  because she couldn't understand that.
Back to topic. I have always done all those things, but truth is, I'm scarred. I'm so, so scarred. I'm scarred that this will make all my teeth rotten, burn a hole in my stomac, will kill me with the use of my own acids. I'm scarred because I never really get addicted to anything. Last time I got addicted to a destructive habbit like this, was when I started cutting at the age of 11. I still haven't stopped that. And it all just went so fast. It only took one week from I met Mia, until I was purging every single day.
Right now, I purge maybe 3 or 4 times a day. Every day. No one really realizes how bad it is, not even Nicolaj. Remember when I told you that I had told my mom about my Bulimia that Friday everything went to hell? She hasn't mentioned a word. She hasn't even given me a hint. She just keeps making me food, and I keep throwing it all up again. Using her toothbrush, since my own is too thick.

I'm sorry that my blog has turned so pro-mia-ish, when most of you come here looking for Ana-stuff.
I really really am trying. But I'm not ready for fasting. Not yet. I have gotten too weak.
I must try to restrict. I eat so much all the time, and I only purge half of it. Still, my weight is going downdowndown. How can that be? Have I already broken my body with the acid so much that I'm losing some of the weight that was my stomac?

Today, I skipped breakfast. I used to hate eating breakfast. It was a habbit that went back to when I was 13 and first started to want to lose weight the unhealthy way. Mia ruined that. I have started bringing it to school, eating it around 9 or 10 every day. Usually, that one stays down, 'cause it's only a 186 calorie yogurt. Ironic, once that was more than I was even allowed to eat in a day. And it wouldn't be only. It would be massive. Then at 11.30 there's lunch. That one gets purged. Then maybe something around 3, if I'm home or have the money to buy it here. Depending on how much it is, I purge that as well. Always purges at home though. Then again around 5 I will maybe eat some more, only on the bad days. Purge. Dinner at 7 or so. Purge. Then sometimes a before-bed-snack. Depending on size, that one gets purged too.
So, I skipped breakfast and left lunch at home.I have no money, so I can't posibly buy anything.
I'm going directly to the scouts hut today, where I know for sure that there is a bit of food. I will have one can of mackerel in tomato-sauce (197 calories pr. hundred gram. Can't remember how much is in one can). Then I will want to eat some more, and I might eat one piece of rye-bread with it (100 calories). If I eat more than that, I know that I will purge, 'cause I can't even stand the thought of having it all inside me at once.

I am so fucked up. How can you guys keep being so amazing, reading this shit, commenting it?
I'm amazed.

Okay, so I fucked up before even having posted this post about me being tired of fucking up.
Ate a sandwich for lunch, which I borrowed money for, and then purged it 'cause it was just too much food at once. So much bread. And eggsalad. So gross.
I apologize for being so bad, so gross. So sick.
Believe, I hate me too.

I love you girls, even if you don't really feel the same.
To me, you are all the most beautiful, strong, wonderful people in the world.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. gaahh. after this-
    wait. you're 5'6?! YOURE TALLER THAN ME. gahhh. i feel short as fuck right now. *scrunches nose* now i'm gonna make it my own personal goal to make myself so tiny that you can pick me up, pretty girlie! <3 whenever i see someone's taller than me, i feel so adorable. i love that feeling. :)
    when i b/p for two days in a row, i get so sick. so i have no idea how you keep on going. you're so good at this it's kind of insane, love. and i'm a little [sorry] envious! <3
    gahh. baby. i used to use a toothbrush. it used to hurt like Hell fire. that's why i loved purging so much - it's like going against your body - it's amazing. it's kind of saying 'hey, i don't give a fuck. i'm going to throw this up whether you like it or not.'
    because i fucking love you. that's why. <3 you're the Collins to my Mischa. the milk in my bitter coffee. the sweetness to my sleepiness. and damn, do i want to sleep.
    loveee....i am SO not strong. </3 i'm just tired and sleepy and my aunt would be here in 3-4 hours so we can work on the oral and then i have some Biology to study (3:30PM currently) so i better get to falling on that lovely pillow that calls for me! Goodnight!

    - Sam ♥ Pound Me Back into Hell Lupin

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  3. I love you no matter what, sweetheart. I even worry about you. When my mom found out I was cutting she handed me a butcher knife...she didn't believe me I think..
    funny how that works out.

    stay safe, hun. i look forward to reading more of your posts :)

  4. Aw, Bella.
    We love you no matter what.
    I do worry about you, of course, but I also realize that it is your life and ultimately your decision how you live it.
    I just pray you remain safe, darling.
    *hugs* Much love.
    Hang in there. <3

  5. We keep reading because we love you, even if you don't love yourself.
    I've been cutting for a little longer than you have and my parents found out last year. They took me to counselling for a little while and then I missed an appointment for some reason. It was never spoken about again. I think they just don't want to acknowledge that there is something wrong with their child, they'd much rather think that everything is ok.

    If you really want help from your mother then go to her again, she can't ignore it if you keep bringing it up.

    Feel better soon sweetheart.