Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Weekly weigh-in + Doctor's news

CW: 79,9 kg/176,1 lbs (BMI 28,6)
Loss: +0,4 kg/0,9 lb (over 3 weeks!)
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
I was at the doctors today. I told him about my self harm, eating disorder and depression. He made this test on me, and concluded that i definitely have a depression. I was hoping for some anti depressing pills or something like that. Like the ones Nicolaj will get, even though his is way less serious than mine. But no. He did that thing, that you are just not supposed to do with me. He sent me on. He fucking send me on in the system! Now I'm supposed to come back there in a week, and he'll tell me how much of a waiting list there is. He's subscribing me to the youth psychiatric department, with a priority mark. And I'm supposed to just wait for that, check in with the doctors now and then, to see if I'm getting worse.
No pills. No help. No hope. Nothing.
I just wanna cut, cut, cut until I bleed to death. Please let me die, let him see that I need some fucking help RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
I feel so... Let down. I have no hope left in me for ever getting better. Ever. I will have to live with this until the day I fucking die. Really. I will.
They all just keep sending me on. They don't want to deal with this fucked up wreck. Let someone else do it, that's fine. I'm fine. I don't fucking need your help

My mom just came in and talked to me. Asking what the doctor said. I broke down. Totally. I cried, and I told her every thing I just wrote above this, about how disappointed I am, about how little faith I have in this, and all that. And she just held me, and told me that she was so happy that finally, finally, I was gonna get better. She apologized for never having been able to do anything about it herself, for having been such a bad mother in that way. And I just cried, and let her hold me, let her tell me that everything is going to be fine. I just sat in her arms, and felt safe, and loved, and finally, I started to believe her when she said that I was probably gonna get the pills later, that these conversations and the psychiatric was gonna be good. And now she's gone, and I'm already back to the "no hope" point again. I love her so much, but why does she have to make such bad choices all the time? She makes me feel safe, like home...

My weight has been going down for the past couple of days, and I really don't want to jinx my just haven gotten under 80 kg/176,4 lbs, so I have been very careful today. Unless I break it in the 3 hours or so I have until bedtime, I should have lost again for tomorrow, and if I can keep this up until the end of the weekend, maybe this time I'll be able to stay under 80, finally. I just have stay focused. It's only a few days. Sure I can make it... Maybe.

I'm not sure how much longer I can make it. My body is starting to show signs of my fucked up eating habits. My heart is starting to beat real fast, so fast I get dizzy, every single morning. My legs are starting to give away under me, like I'm going to trip, all the time. And I'm sure that the bad sleeping isn't the only reason for my being so fucking tired all the time.
I know I should just eat a little and go to the gym.
I know that would be a lot healthier, that I would lose way more that way.
I know this, don't think I'm stupid. It's just not that easy, it's not that simple. It's not a "just". It's so fucking hard. I hate when people tell me to do this. They don't fucking know how I feel, okay? Just because you're able to starve yourself for days and work out 2 hours every fucking day, doesn't mean I can do the same, okay? I don't have the same strength, the same self control! I'm just a pathetic, weak piece of shit. I'm nothing. I'm not even worth all your "good" suggestions, so why don't you just piss off, please?
Sorry. I went a bit nuts over a friend of mine, thinking she knows my body better than me, thinking I can just follow her diet. Well, I can't. It's just not that easy. Sorry.

 Music is gonna be my anti depressant for now. I've gone into my very own music therapy.

Good luck with all of your plans lovelies. I hope you're doing better than me, and least psychic, if nothing else.
I love you. You girls keep me alive (I even told my doctor that).
You really do. I love you girls, with every single piece of my heart. Or what's left of it, at least.
And I still hate this new Blogger design ._.
Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. i can understand that you are disappointed that the doctor haven't "done" something..

    but it has it good sides! the anti depressing pills will make you gain weight and there is a high probability that of getting pysical and psychic addicted to the anti depressing pills..

    i hope you find your way out of depression without the pills...
    i hope this will end soon for you..

  2. I just thought you might like to know that I've been failed by the psychiatric facilities but it does get better. It just takes time. A lot of time, but it's definitely worth it when you finally start feeling better. It might never be perfect, and I felt the exact same way you did, but it does stop feeling so unbearable.
    Just hold on sweetie

  3. Hang in there, Bella.
    Things will get better, my love.
    There is a light at the end of this tunnel.
    We are all here to help you get through this.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3