Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Has it really been that long? Time flies!

I swear lovelies, I had no idea it had been so long since I last updated. I totally forgot about it, about everything. So much is going on right now, and it's driving me crazy. Insane! More than I were before, yes.
I even missed a weekly weigh-in! I didn't even think about that, I swear!

First of, I saw my doctor again last Wednesday. They hadn't gotten an answer from the psychiatric youth department yet, but law permits them only 2 weeks, so by Thursday, I should get an answer, since it has then been 2 weeks since my doctor sent the request.
I told him I found the place where my mother hides our dangerous pain killers, those you die from taking too many off. He told me I should probably tell her that, so she could hide them from me somewhere else. I promised I would, but I didn't. I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to do that. It's reassuring, knowing they're there. They're available.
Anyway. He also told me that there might be a waiting list, and that if it were too long, we'd start treatment with the doctor instead. He'd prefer to have the experts decide what to do, but as he says, I can't wait for months, feeling as bad as I do. I almost told him it's been like this for a year, that a few more months probably wouldn't hurt me. But then again, I really, really want those pills, so I can stop feeling so damn sad all the time. I don't care if I get addicted to them. It's better than being addicted to this sadness, to this pain. It's better than this.

I have to go again tomorrow. I'll go, and he'll tell me they haven't answered, and we'll talk about my cutting, depression and eating disorder for the past week. And then I'll get an appointment next week, and by then, they should have the answer, according to the law. Yippee.

Weighed in positive this morning, but I'm getting my period today, so I don't think it'll last for tomorrow. Just remember, whatever I weigh in at tomorrow, you probably have to count in at least 1 kg/2,2 lbs as bloating-gain.
Eaten 375 calories so far (2 cookies - I hate when my classmates have birthdays, and 1 chicken-and-bacon burger on rough bread). I don't think I'll be able to keep it at that, but I have a dentist appointment today, and scouts tonight, so I can't get too much more in. The burger was very small, but after the cookies, I needed something, or I'd go of in a sugar craving and binge on 2000+ calories.
Cross your fingers for me that I'll finally make a day without having to purge loves. It would be so huge to me.

Currently, I'm in school, having religion. We're having about Islam at them moment, and that always makes me think about my Sammywhammy. About her life, and family. About the rules, the norms. How can you be so different, and yet so perfectly like all of us?
And then I go on to all of you. Where are you? What are you doing at the minute? How was you day? How do you keep motivated, strong, beautiful, when I cannot?
Are you listening?
Are you thinking about me...?

When did the world lose it's colors? When did the stars stop shinning, when did the food turn to poison, friends to snakes, happiness to hopelessness? When did the world die, leaving us with nothing but ash, and cold, and broken dreams? Where did the world I grew up in go?
When did the world become so fucking depressed...

I can't remember the last time I cried girls.
I almost did it this morning, but after two tears and three sobs, it went away.
No matter how sad I get, I can't seem to cry any more. Finally. I have waited for this. I know what's coming next. The numbness. The I-don't-care/don't-mind-ness. The point where everything else will just disappear, and the only thing in my head will be my goals.
Maybe then, I'll be able to get somewhere.
If I don't lose 5 kg/11 lbs before summer, I will have broken my strike. I will not be able to say I dropped 10 kg/22 lbs since last summer, like I could this year. I can't chock people with my ongoing success (Hmpf. What success?). I will be a failure once more. I will die of shame, and not come out the entire summer...

I really need to lose this weight. I have no plan what-so-ever as to how, 'cause at this point, each day is so different, and a struggle of it's own. Some days, I have the strength to resist, and even under beneath 1500 calories a day (sounds like so much, but think about how much of it I purge then). Some days I just don't give a fuck, and I binge and I purge, and binge, and purge, and binge... And then there are these very rare days, where I'm able to stand of and not binge a single time. And there's no pattern as to how these days come.

I promise, I didn't forget you girls.
I'm just so busy.
I'll make time to do my weekly weigh-in tomorrow, and I'll tell you what the doctor said-

I love you girls. So much.
You keep me going.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella

1 comment:

  1. You take Islam, too?
    I just completed a course on that at university.
    Very interesting, Islam is.
    I hope that you are feeling more positive, my love.
    I hate to see you in such despair like this.
    Hang in there.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3