Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Weekly weigh-in + Psychiatric department news

CW: 80,1 kg/176,6 lbs (BMI 28,7)
Loss: +0,2 kg/0,5 lb (in 3 weeks)
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)

So. Not pleased about the weight. I was sort of hoping for it to stay below 80 kg/176,4 lbs, but then again, it's so little it's over, and it's possibly just a period gain.
The downside to having my period is, that I tend to eat a lot. Not because I'm craving more than I regularly do, but because I feel so bad if my stomach is empty and I have cramps at the same time. Therefore, I'm not pleased about today either. It's been pretty bad. I only purge twice. And I didn't get any of the fries up I ate. Those are gigantic fat and calorie bombs. So I will for sure have gained by tomorrow.
I have decided I'm going to try and not step on the scale more than once a week. I've tried it before, but I just kept putting on, because I didn't see the number go up when it was starting to go bad. By now though, I know my body so well, I can tell without a scale if I have gained or not with a, like, 98% accuracy. So maybe this time, it'll work out for me? I don't know. We'll see about that.

When I got home from scouts yesterday, there was a letter waiting for me from the youth psychiatric department. I've been called in for an interview on 25th of June. Great, you think. Wrong. At that time, I will be over 18, and therefore, I will no longer belong in the youth department. They therefore have to send me on the regular one after the interview, which has about 3 months additional waiting list. So basically, I'm screwed. 4½ months of waiting, I can't do that. I'll chicken out before it even gets to that point. I'll regret it, and I'll have enough time that I can just pull myself right back out of it.
The doctor says he'll call the psychiatric department and ask if he can start some treatment for me depression. Medication, of course. If they say go, which I'll find out in a week exactly, I'll get put on the anti-depressants, and we'll watch out how that works real good. The side effects are pretty serious, so they want me to call in twice a week, on top of the weekly meeting with them, to track how it's going.
I don't know.
Yes, I want to pills.
No, I don't want any more than that.
I guess I just wish to stay miserable, and at the same time, I want to stop being so damn sad all the time.
I deserve it, though.
Maybe that's why.

Receiving that letter, addressed to both me and my parents, meant I had to tell me dad though.
He took it very well. Too well. He barely responded to the fact that I suffer from an eating disorder, and a depression bad enough to be medicated. He knew I was cutting though. My mom told him that when he found the letter.
He just talked about as if I had told him I was suffering from a fever, or constipation or something. Something simple. Something that would go away again soon. Like it wasn't a real problem. Like it wasn't something important...
I don't know. We had a nice talk, thinking about who it was with. No one got mad, no one cried, no one yelled. That's what I put into a nice talk with my dad. He just told me hopped I wouldn't get medicated, since he's tried it himself. And then he told me he wish I'd stop smoking. It's a bad habit. And throwing up your food and breaking open your own skin isn't...

On a whole 'nother page. A friend of mine is starting at my gym, and he's asked if I want to start going with him. I told him yes, very much! I actually talked to my parents about gym last night, and we decided I used it too little for it to be worth it. But I told them to hold off for a month, so I can see if I'll go more with my friend. I'm thinking if we make a deal about going together, I'm going to have to hold it. So hopefully, I'll see some changes in my body soon. I always get really toned the first month, and then it stops. The minute I cut the exercise, the tone goes. Well, then I'll just have to keep it up this time!
I used to enjoy going to the gym. Very much, actually. It was a productive break from the hell I was - am - living in. But then a holiday came in the way, and I never really returned since then. I hope I'll enjoy it just as much with my friend as I used to. That would sure get me going.

Loves, I'm afraid that's all I've got for today. My creativity just doesn't go that far.
I'm trying to get back into my old blogging habits, when it was almost hard for me not to blog too much.
So watch out, 'cause there'll probably be a new post real soon :)

I love you girls. Really. You keep me alive.
You are the wind beneath my broken wings <3

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
 - Bella

1 comment:

  1. It is so good that you got some psychiatric news!
    I hope that you can stick the wait out if there ends up being one, because it seems like this could really help you.
    Have fun with the gym!
    I have never really been keen on exercising in front of other people, but you do what works for you. :)
    I wish you best of luck on all fronts, my dear!
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3