Monday, May 14, 2012

Gym date, new hair and abstinence

So, to start of in a totally eating disordered way:
Yesterday I ate: 1 bowl of cornflakes with sugar (purged), 2 toasts with ham, cheese and ketchup (purged), 1 pita döner kebab (purged), 1 cup chocolate pudding (purged), 1 roll of Oreo-wannabe cookies (purged) and 1 bag of pop-corn (purged). So yeah. That sucks.
I was at the gym yesterday - my first gym date. I don't know how much I burned. About 400 would be my guess.
They gym was actually a lot nicer than I remember. I mean, my muscles have gotten very, very weak since I last went, so my body is aching all over, but I was with friends, and we actually had fun. Of course, I was by myself around half the time, since I'm training with guys - there were 4 of them, and I'd only expected 2! They nearly killed me... - and they don't care much about cardio or leg muscles. But when I was with them, we had fun. We laughed of the weakest one, the youngest one, the most feminine one. And no, that wasn't even me, lol.

I must admit, I have been on the scale for the past two days. I had to. And I was somewhat pleased with the number. Let's say it like this: if I weigh the same or less by tomorrow, for my weekly-weigh in, that will be a fantastic process made in one week! Even thinking about last week's weigh-in was made on the first day of my period (bloatbloatbloat).
I actually didn't even put on from yesterday, despite all the crap I ate. And I must admit, the 5th time and more than you purge on a day, you do it half-heartedly, thinking "every single calorie count". It must be the way I ruined my body yesterday I can thank for not having put on.

I don't know if you've mentioned it, but so far, my abstinence this year have been 0,00%. Well, no more. Damn it to hell if I didn't wake up late because my phone had fucked me up when setting the alarm Sunday evening. I seriously broke down crying, thinking about my 0,00% abstinence gone. Crying. My doctor told me it's and OCD, so maybe it's a good thing I got confronted with it, seeing that I didn't die from getting a bit abstinence. But I was so hoping I could make it the last 2 weeks of school. Dammit!

And then for the last mysterious part of my post title. My new hair!
Sunday, I got a haircut, changing my bangs especially. And yesterday, since I had all day at home anyway, I decided to dye it. I had to for my sisters confirmation - a tradition in the Scandinavian Lutheran protestant church. I don't know if Lutherans in the U.S. or anywhere else in the world has them. I juts know we do. It's pretty much like a Bar Mitzvah. It takes place in a church, where you say the Lord's Prayer and the Creed. That way, they confirm what has been giving them in the baptism, and get confirmed by the priest in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy spirit. Amen. After that, there's normally a huge party, where the person holding the confirmation is given tons of expensive gifts and lots of money. We don't celebrate sweet 16 here either, so you get the best gifts of your life at your confirmation.
Anyway. I needed to dye my hair because the dress I'm wearing for the party is the color of smoked salmon, and my dad would freak if I showed up with that and red hair. He's even forcing me to take out my nose ring that day, saying it wasn't part of our original deal, but when had I ever cared about that, and yadda-yadda-yadda. And since I'm still beneath 18 by then (Turning 18 on the 27th of May, my sisters confirmation being the 17th of May - Thursday) I have to do as he says, according to the law.
I don't have a good picture of my hair, so I'm gonna wait and upload one from the confirmation or so. I also got some new extensions (my old ones being 31 year old and black), but I have to dye them the same color as my hair. I ordered them blond, so I could dye them any color I wanted to.

I'm also invited to a 21th birthday Friday. We're going to play paint ball! Awesomeness!
Seriously, I can't wait! I've never tried it before, but it always looks like so much fun!
It begins at 11am, so I have to leave by 10am in order to make it with the public transport. This means I have to get up around 9am. The day after my sisters confirmation. Where there will be drinking, and dancing, and joking until 2am or so. So, 7 hours of sleep, hangover, playing paint ball, drinking again after that. Plus I'm invited to a party Saturday too.
Normally, I'm never invited to parties. But this weekend, with my sisters confirmation, I'm invited to 4! I have to turn one down for fuck's sake! My head is gonna be done by the time I have to get up for the last party. I'm gonna be plain dead. I don't have the money for that much alcohol? I need to buy more cigarettes soon, and I don't even have enough to pay for that!
I hate not having a job. I hate hate hate hate hate it! Please, someone, hire me! Anyone?

I swear girls, my butt is killing me! It's crazily sore!

And now the conversation has turned to me rear. I think I better end this thing, before I say something deeply disturbing. Seriously. Plus, I think it's time for my break! Cigarette <3

I love you girls. So, so, so, so, so much!
Thanks for all the wonderful comments you left me.
But honestly, I don't deserve them.
I suck so much at giving them myself.
Don't waste your time on a girl who isn't going to return it.
You're better than that.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. Guys don't care about leg muscles coz deep down they know that a girl's strength is all in the lower body (for walking around carrying babies) and that she's got the advantage there the way guys do with benchpress (Evolved to kill things with sticks) ;)

    Congratulations to your sister! We don't do Sweet Sixteens here in NZ either. It's a bit of a piss-up on your 18th and an even bigger one on your 21st, since 21 used to be the drinking/voting age 0.0; We're a society of booze hounds here.

    Seriously smart move with those extensions! :D Way to think ahead!

    Sometimes in order to get a job you have to lower your standards a bit until you get enough "transferable skills" to make the other employers look at your CV a bit longer. I worked at KFC long enough to get my food handling certificate&some cash handling+customer service skills then hightailed it to a stupormarket that has pretty nice pay rates. It was the worst 8 months of my life, though. Fast food franchises don't give enough hours to buy rent and food in the same week :/

    Lol, classy ass talk. Donkeys in Dame Edna glasses anyone?

    Tough shit, hun. I'm going to comment whenever I have something to say. Even when I feel like I'm not making sense or talking out my ass. You're kinds stuck with it now :p

    Take care and stay awesome <3

  2. Psh, you did better than I did.
    Binge, anyone?
    I need to get to grips with this.
    I cannot keep doing this to myself if I want to be thin, beautiful, and perfect.
    Ah, the gym.
    If only I was not so phobic about exercising in front of other people.
    Maybe someday I can conquer that.
    Congratulations to your sister on her confirmation!
    Sounds like you are going to have fun this weekend, eh? ;)
    Oooh, new hair.
    Experimenting with my hair is always so much fun.
    And as for the whole job thing, I do not have one, either.
    It will come, for both of us.
    The pain means something good happened at the gym, and that is always a plus!
    I will always comment, never fear! :)
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

  3. fuck fuck fuck fuck this comment box
    i have to write what i wrote again
    anyway, in summary:
    YOU CAN PURGE SUGAR AND HAM AND CHEESE AND TOAST? God, you are amazing. I don't know about ham but I always feel like it's be gross and weird coming out.
    also, babe, i've got my period.
    i always thought i had OCD for some reason. ohhh.
    i am such a spazz.
    i can massage that aching ass for you.
    i also love commenting. ^_^ as to with my Kurt up there! Princess Perfection, aka the Kurt to my BLAINEEE.
    -Sam Lupin