Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Weekly weigh-in + Those days where I really hate myself...

CW: 79,0 kg/174,1 lbs (BMI 28,3)
Loss: 1,1 kg/2,5 l
GW2: 78 kg/171,9 lbs (BMI 28)
I know I should be pleased by that. But I was so hoping it would be lower. It was yesterday. I'm so disappointed in myself. I ate badbadbad yesterday, even though I knew today was weigh-in! I always do that! I hate it! I hate myself. I'm such a big fat pig. Stupid. Stupidstupidstupid!
And of course I continued today. I ate 735 calories just for breakfast, and I didn't - fucking - purge. Argh! Why didn't I purge?! So what if I had class. I don't give shit about that. I could have said I needed to go to the toilet. Desperately. I could have ignored my teacher. I could have fucking not stuffed my face like a starving African child, when in reality, I'm a fat, stupid, lame Dane.
I cannot eat another bite for the rest of the day. My sisters confirmation is tomorrow, so I will eat lame. There's both breakfast with the grandparents, and the family dinner/party at night. Birthday parties Friday and Saturday. There will be snacks. And alcohol. Both is bad, and somehow, the snacks always seems to come down along with the alcohol. Fatfatfatfatfat. I need to do good today. I must be as light as possible by tomorrow. What if the dress wont fit? What if my ever non-shrinking body has decided to hate me, and feels like being bloated and acting like crap all day tomorrow? I just know it will. It always does. I hate my body. And I hate myself. Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat.
Doctor appointment later on today. Today, I'll finally get told whether we can start some treatment of my depression while waiting for the psychiatric appointment or not. My doctor called them, the psychiatries, the experts. If they say go, I'll get put on some pills, and I'll be watched very carefully, both by my doctor and my family, so I wont end up killing myself during the first month (side effects). If they said no, I'll just have to wait 4-5 months, until they have resources for me at the psychiatric, and I'll have to live with the weekly doctor visits.
I'm so nervous. So very, very, very nervous. What if I don't get any help? I'll break down. Put what I have to take those stupid pills? I'll break down too. Seems like nothing is really going to help. I'll be crying tonight no matter what, I can guarantee you that. And if Nicolaj and I don't work something out, and I'll be alone, I'll cut my every piece of skin to pieces. I sure would like to do that just now. But I'm in school. And Mie, my best friend, will be there when I get home...
How can I be so massive, and still feel so fragile?
How can I be so strong, and still feel so weak?
How can I be so fat, and still feel so... Well. Fat. I ran out of words.

I just want to... I don't know. Cry. Cut. Lose weight. Starve. Eat. Drink. Smoke. Be happy. Break down. Run away. Give up. Disappear. Die...

I can't even face tomorrow any more. I can't even face the current day. I live day by day, not running, not walking, but crawling across the events of my life. When I go to bed, I close my eyes and pray that I never wake up. All I seem to care about is hurting myself. I cut, I starve, I binge and purge, I smoke, I thirst. All just ways to slowly kill yourself. It's like a suicide they'll never know about.
I keep thinking about it. Dieing. What would it be like? How would I do it? Would it hurt? Would it burn me up from the inside out? Would I, with my last breath, remember all the reasons to live, and regret in the same second as I pass? Or would it be peaceful? Finally, I can sleep. Forever.
This sounds so serious. Does it help if I say that it's only during my breakdowns I feel like this?

I want to start crying. Sobbing. But I don't seem to remember how any more. The tears never really come. Besides, I'm sitting in the middle of a classroom full of students. And two teachers. What wouldn't they think?

I don't deserve shit. I don't deserve tears, I don't deserve feelings, I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love. I don't deserve my few friends, I don't deserve Nicolaj, and I most certainly do not deserve you.
This is all way too good for me. You're way too good for me.
Dump me. Leave me. Get the fuck out of here, before I fuck you up too badly.
I am shit.
No. Not even that.
I'm less that shit.

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. Look it isn't necessary to be thin to be happy.I have some friends girls in my class which are very fat ,but they are happy!
    You may feel depressed right now, and when you think you are fat it gets you down , but don't let youself fall. You ARE strong. You have dreams. Life is too short to be wasted with sadness. There are so many reasons for staying alive and live your life. Life can bring many surprises. If you are optimistic you'll see the good aspects of life. Just don't give up. The worst thing. Fight for it as hard as you can.

    With all my heart,

  2. LOUISELLA (yes, i combined them).
    so close to the 160's. so close.
    sweetie, if you call yourself a fat pig, or bitch, i will slap you senseless.
    and babe, about the purging thing - it makes sense if the food doesn't come up fairly easily or quickly. see. as you're eating, it goes down your oesophagus, which is a long muscular tube. the food goes as bolus down and only through the contraction of the muscular wall through peristalsis -- see how your food goes down? of course for me it comes up in clumps, each one pushing up and up. and stupidly, because amylase doesn't digest them into very small macromolecules designed to be purged. so for me, i end up choking a lot on stupid macromolecules.
    you're my MAIN DANE.
    babe, you are not fat.
    "How can I be so massive, and still feel so fragile?" <--this thought. in my head. all the fucking time.
    babe, i just feel so sad. i notice your posts are a lot darker when you're not having good restriction days. *hugs* i love you.
    i lost my will of tears so long ago. sometimes i just want to cry just to remember that i USED TO. i used to cry all the time. it was so beautiful - the hotness of them sinking down my face. it's the closest thing one can possibly feel to human.
    my beautiful. you're so much to me. you know how much i LOVE your blog? how i long to hold that hair of yours that keeps on changing colour and how if i was with you, i'd dye my hair just as frequent so we can pretend to be different people all of the time? <3
    -Sam Lupin x
    PS. here for you, Louisella. <3 always.

  3. Louise, eh?
    You are totally a Bella, NOT a Louise.
    What were your parents THINKING when they stuck you with that moniker?!
    Your posts are so dark, my love.
    I really feel for you.
    I do.
    Everything happens for a reason, babe.
    The valleys have to happen for the peaks to occur.
    We are all here for you.
    Hang in there.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

  4. Lame Dane? Never heard of such a thing. Are you sure it's not an oxymoron? I've only ever heard of Danes being GREAT! You are a Dane and therefore you are great. Simple as that.

    Feeling like that during breakdowns means it passes with the emotion storm. From experience I can say I've yet to find a peaceful, painless way of dying. Nearest I came was numb and incredibly sick after mixing prescription sleeping pills with strong whiskey and a whole lot of panadol. Never as fun as you think when you start swallowing. Being strangled isn't fun either, very violent and desperate. Suffocation is the same.

    The first few months can be rough until the bad side effects go away. Look at the lists and hope for hood ones, like suppressed appetite/spontaneous orgasms. (I kid you not, 17% of the people on my antidepressant get spontaneous orgasms. I was in the 30% that have increased appetitie and weight gain, le sigh. But we can adapt, right?)

    If they put you on meds remember you SHOULD NEVER PURGE YOUR MEDS. That's the same as not taking them, and you'll get all the wonderful withdrawing and resumption side effects all over again to make you feel even crappier :(

    You don't deserve shit things. You don't deserve tears, unless you're laughing so hard you're crying or you're watching a sad movie. You DO deserve good feelings, You MOST DEFINITELY deserve happiness, You ESPECIALLY deserve love. You deserve GOOD friends, the kind that make bad jokes when your Mum rings you, You deserve Nicolaj only if he deserves you :p Lol, nobody deserves to be burdened with my shit, but I'm here pestering you anyway. Gotta have some bad in the good, right?

    You can't fuck up what's already broken, hun. We're all severely foxed in this house of cards.

    Take care and remember that you are awesome. YOU ARE. COZ I SAID SO. SO THERE.


  5. Beautiful, Bella. What to do with such a beautiful girl who hates her self. I just want you to know that I love you.

  6. Bella love, you deserve so much more than what you give yourself. Be safe