I know, I know, I swear too much. But seriously girls, this week has been hell on earth. It's crazy. Every single night have I gotten too little sleep, and every single day, I have been working my butt of in school. Biology report, preparations for exams, and worst of all, this years common study preparation years test (to translate directly. I don't know what the fuck it's called in English). We have to write a whole report about a specific subject - new themes each time - using two subjects. We do this 5 times a year, and the last time every year, it's also a test/trial exam. So both last year and this year, I actually have to work my butt of and worry about this thing, in the middle of my exam period, in order to go in, get a grade, and then that's it. It doesn't mean anything. If a get a shitty grade, it won't affect anything. Why we do this? So we can be prepared for the real exam on our third year. Bullshit.
Sorry, I just needed to get some of my frustrations from school out.
I haven't weighed in since Wednesday. I'm actually kind of proud.
All I had yesterday were a salad for lunch, a motherfucking huge apple, two wheat buns, and a quarter pack of Digestive. I shouldn't have eaten the Digestive, but I was just so hungry for something gross and sugar-filled. Believe it or not, but they were the healthy choice. And I didn't eat that many. Writing it like this, it seems like a lot. But usually, I eat way more than that. Like, that would be what I ate just while in school. Then more would be waiting for me at home. So not bad at all.
Today, I've had 406 calories (35 g. cereal - 121, 2 dl 0,1% milk - 76, one motherfucker apple - 77, toast bread - 92, butter on that -29, ham on top of that - 11) . Me! And I don't feel hungry at all. It's 5 p.m. in Denmark as I write these words, I've had 406 calories, and I'm not hungry. At all. In fact, I'll even try and see if I can get out of dinner too. *Break for 5 minutes*. Just told my mom. She's fine with it. Or, not fine. But she doesn't give me any crap for it.
I don't know if I'll make it through the weekend without weighing. But at the same time, I think it's causing me to eat less, not knowing what I weigh. Cause the fear of putting on is just so big, and I really, really don't want that.
Weekends are my bad days. That's why I put the official weigh-in on Wednesday. So I can get a fair result. Everyone's got bad weekends, but for most of you girls, a bad weekend means a day of 800 and a day of 900 calories or so. To me, a bad weekend means 3000+ calories both days. How can I even have an eating disorder when eating so much? I'm so disgusted by saying this out loud. Or... Writing it down. Potato tomato. But seriously, how gross is that?
At times like this, I get the feeling like I never want to eat, ever again. I have been doing a tiny bit better on restricting recently, and I'm really hoping it'll stick with me. So much.
Tomorrow, I'm going to have a friend of mine over. I actually talked about her once, a very long time ago. She suffered from anorexia for two years, but recovered 4 years ago. At her lowest, she weighed only 27 kg/59,2 lbs. At age 14. I didn't really believe her when she told me, but I've seen some pictures of her, read some stuff on the Internet about girls getting to ridiculously low weights, and I actually think it's true. Whenever I'm around her, I try to find excuses to talk about it. I'm obsessed with it. I always ask her how the fuck she managed to get that far, how she'd hide it, what excuses she'd use. I feel like a small pro-ana teen around her. We've all done it, I know it. God how pathetic I was, searching for tips on how to get an eating disorder back then. But that's the thing with Ana. Once she's in, she'll never really go away. Though with me, it's more like she's wrestling Mia, and Mia is winning right now. Anyway, back to my friend.
So, she'd praticaly fast for 2 weeks, and purge if she ate anything, even the slightest, keeping herself going on the sugar from regular soda. Then every second weekend, she'd have a massive binge, purge, and then repeat.
There'll probably be crisps, and sweets, and chocolate tomorrow night. She's almost fully recovered, hardly thinking about Ana anymore, and never letting her take over again. So she will be eating this stuff, and I'm so scared I'll be weak, oh so weak, and eat along with her. What do I do lovelies? :(
Sorry the post got so long. Again. I was just taken over by thoughts all of a sudden.
I really should rather just post more often, but smaller posts each time, don't you think?
I don't know...
Anyways.
I'm going to end it now.
Until next time loves,
Stay strong, thin think, be beautiful!
- Bella ♥
Oh dear, school can be so overwhelming sometimes. I can relate. Right now I have exam after exam and I don't know what to do first. I'm pretty much stressed out, but this crazy period is going to pass soon.
ReplyDeleteI personally have noticed that I feel much better if I don't weigh myself too often. Hope you can keep it up.
And, well, I think you should eat a little with your friend so you are less likely to binge. Just try a little bit of this and that and you will not want to binge afterwards.
Let us know how it all went.
Love
~ Meg
Hopefully you can relax at least a bit today and tomorrow. You seem to be stressed maybe also due the visit of your friend.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could tell her that you don't feel well and drink some tea instead..? I wish the best for you.
Oh and, I really hope you will keep your long posts!
Your weekends are like mine, and there are more types of EDs than simply restrictive ones. I'd probably come under EDNoS or atypically purging bulimia or something weird if I qualified for a DX.
ReplyDeleteCase in point: COE is a recognised eating disorder.
Take care
<3
hey, I've just started reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteI find that when I weigh myself one of two things happen. If the number is up I spiral into depression, if the number is down I become euphoric so I try and not weigh everyday.
I also find weekends difficult, I think it's because of the lack of structure and I end up binging and purging.
Love your blogxxx
Swear too much? Babe, have you been on my blog once?
ReplyDeleteHELL ON EARTH. Thank you for summing up my week as well. FUCK. EW. I’m preparing for my Bio exam and DYING whilst doing it. Yesterday was a 6 hour studying period. SIX HOURS OF MIND BOGGLING UP INFORMATION ABOUT DAMN CELLULAR RESPIRATON, PHOTOSYNTHESIS AND GENETICS. I don’t like genetics. I am very sure that anything named “Photosystem I” and “Photosystem II” can go to HELL.
I haven’t weighed in for two days but I weighed in toady. Hmm. Sigh.
^_^ I’m glad to hear that! For me, that is impossible to do right now. I’m just eating everything. Le sigh. And purging it up. Le double sigh.
Yay! Oh my God! Amazing! and not hungry at all?! you’re stunning, my princess. YES. you are amazing. Gosh I know whatcha mean. But today I was gonna skip my workout but now seeing a bit of a lower number has motivated me to power through and not become hopelessly fat.
Yes. thank you. that’s my weekends as well. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. DAMMIT I HAVE THE ABILITY TO PURGE FOR A REASON
I hope so too. ^_^
Oh my God. That is…amazing. am I sick for thinking it’s amazing? Probably not around you, chickas. I’m glad that she’s almost recovered – I don’t know, dollie. If you think you can purge *I probably shouldn’t say that but it’s what I’d do* - besides, you’re gaining so much strength, sweetie. I don’t think it’ll be that much of a problem. <3
-Sam Lupin
Ew, school.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I am done with it for the summer!
I hope that everything here at the end goes splendidly for you!
I can empathize with the weekends being my worst days.
And, like you, they can be 3000+ calories on both days.
It is so messed up.
And then I will restrict like no one's business during the week.
Oy.
Sad as it sounds, I kind of wish I had a real-life anorexic friend to talk to all of this about.
One who would understand.
No one seems to.
It is so depressing.
That is why I have all of you.
You are my strength.
We can do this.
Hang in there.
*hugs*
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3