Thursday, April 19, 2012

Important question (And sorry for being so lame)

First of all, I do have the weights for my two missed weekly-weigh in, and I will write it in the box on the right as soon as I finish this post. I don't know why I never posted them, I guess I've just got too much going on right now. My depression has taken over, and the last couple of days have been spend eating, purging, cutting and crying. Plus handling Nicolaj's depression as well.
But really, everything is looking up on that. Nicolaj's got an appointment at the doctor today, and I've got one on Wednesday. I'm going to tell the doctor about my depression, self-harm and bulimia, and hope he can help me get out of it.
I'm not going fully into recovery though. I just want to stop purging, to stop being so addicted to eating and eating and puking and puking. I don't want to ruin my teeth, or my neck, or anything that way.  Instead, I want to learn how to eat less, something the doctor probably will help me with, if I just say that it'll help me to not purge.
I'm hoping to get some antidepressants or some counseling or something for the depression. If they don't help me out, if they just advice me to seek a shrink, I'm gonna give up. I've been trying for so long, I'm so sick of always being sad, of always urging to harm myself, of always feeling like dying. If they wont give me help when I ask for it, I'm gonna make them practically force me to accept help. I'm ready to be happy again.

Now, to the important question, that I'm not asking for myself, but for my ED-friend (remember, I told you about her before?). Anyway. Remember, I'm not a crappy friend for doing this. I don't want her to be ill, but I want to help her reaching her goals. She's the only person I know IRL who really, truly understands how I feel.
She's a very impatient person, she's pretty strong-willed, and she's determinative to become skinny fast. Does anyone know a good diet for very fast weight-loss? It doesn't matter whether it lasts afterwards or not, as long as you lose weight fast.
She's a vegetarian, and she doesn't eat more than a couple hundred calories a day. Can anyone recommend something?

Damn, I really hate the new Blogger design. It's horrible! I can't work it out at all. I hate the way you see the blogs you follow, the way you can edit and add and all that on your own, I hate it all. It sucks. I want the old one back.

So... As I mentioned earlier, I have not been a good girl. I was so close to getting lower than ever, and then I picked back up all the weight again. I'm ashamed. I have been eating really, really bad. My diet is crazy. Take as an example yesterday: 3 pieces of rye bread with dark chocolate = 200, sandwich with egg salad = 400, 1 pack of chocolate chip cookies = 1080, 2 bags of sweets = 1030. Purged the sandwich plus a bit of the rye bread, the cookies, and half the sweets or so. My weight didn't do anything. I neither gained or lost on a day like that.
What have I done to myself, to my body?
This is the reason I want to stop binging/purging, and just eat less. Just 800 a day or so at first, that's shouldn't be so hard. That used to be a dream day for me. Know, I eat minimum 3 times that amount a day.
I can't feel my body any more. I can't ever feel whether I'm full or not. I feel the hunger, and then I eat and eat and eat, and even when I try, I honestly can't feel when I'm full any more. I always just feel like I can eat more, like I need more in order to feel good. Sometimes, I eat until I can't eat no more, until the purging almost happens automatically. I just feel like I need to eat all the time. And I would love to just eat low calories snacks all day, but I'm so fussy with food. I don't like carrots, or celery, or bell peppers, or anything that'll keep my full. I like cucumber, apples, strawberries, pears and melon. And that's about it. The strawberries and melon is expensive, the pears and apples always gets eaten in 2 days when my mom finally buy them, and the cucumber, I got tired of after about 200g.
Can anyone recommend me any sweet, delicious or something like that-snack that I can bring around in a container, so I can eat anytime I want to?

Oh loves, I'm so embarrassed by how I've been treating you. I promise, it'll never happen again. Never ever!
I love you so much. And I'm gonna get better for you, so I can make positive posts and inspire you all. I will be that blogger some day, I promise! For you <3

Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
- Bella


  1. BELLA!
    I am sorry to hear that things have not been going so well for you.
    But remember that everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out in its own time.
    Thinking of you. :)
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

  2. I hate it when I'm so motivated, not eating at all and then something breaks and I'm in the kitchen in the minute eating anything.